denise_xo Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 OP, from what you are outlining these children would probably be better off without this father. This is in any case all his responsibility and not yours. Is there a women's shelter where you live that you can go to? Link to post Share on other sites
AmEricanWomann Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I don't want to call the police on him because with his 2 strikes he will go to jail/prison for a long time and he does have 3 children. Last time I threatened to call the police he said that I would be the reason why his kids would grow up with no father. Then the threats on my safety started, and the safety of those around me. I'm scared and don't want him or any one he knows to hurt me or my family. If he goes to jail, the only one responsible for his children growing up without a father will be him. He has no right to take your stuff and you are allowing him to manipulate you. Grow a back bone and call the damn police! The consequences he suffers will be a result of his actions, not of yours. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I don't want to call the police on him because with his 2 strikes he will go to jail/prison for a long time and he does have 3 children. You're kidding, right? You want HIM there for his KIDS? You'd be doing THEM a favor. If they grow up around him, THEY will become abusers. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 OP, I just paid attention to your choice of user name and I'd like to point out that you are NOT voice less. You have voice, you have strength, you have power. You just have to find a way to mobilise it so you can get yourself out of this situation. Hugs and strength to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Breezy Trousers Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 (edited) You're not stupid. You're involved in traumatic bonding. It's very difficult situation. You need support for this. Don't you dare try to do this alone (go to a shelter/call a hotline/support group). And please don't wait. Stop focusing on him, his kids, etc. Abusers lack empathy, so he doesn't care about you (no matter how charming he was in the fairytale beginning -- and it always is a fairytale beginning). Quit trying to go back to the fairytale. It was a fairytale! Abusers can't love, but they need to experience power/control, and they need a partner to experience that. That would be you. The charm mask is how you get lured into the relationship (would you, a strong woman, have signed up for it otherwise?). Abusers never change, but they will keep you addicted to hope. It's a game of control. You will increasingly seek validation from someone not at all interested in validating you -- only interested in invalidating you -- and your self esteem will increasingly die, even if you are lucky & don't. Your concern about him is how he gets you to stay plugged in. The focus is always on the abuser, never you, which is precisely how they like it. Cut ties, go into NO CONTACT and focus on you, not him. His children are not your responsibility. Your safety is. Denise raises a good point, too. Read Sandra Brown's "Women Who Love Psychopaths" and listen to Melanie Tonia Evans' free podcasts on surviving abuse. It will explain a lot of things Lundy Bancroft's wonderful book doesn't address. It will help you understand why it's so hard for you to let go. It will make you aware of how your wonderful qualities -- empathy, loyalty -- are turned against you by an abuser and can set you up for another abusive relationship if you aren't conscious of how it happens. Take back control. You were a strong, no nonsense woman at one time. You will be that way again, only stronger. But you have to get away & stay away first. Edited September 9, 2011 by Breezy Trousers Link to post Share on other sites
Heart On Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 If you can answer "yes" to any of these questions,then BT is right,you are Trama Bonded to an abuser.You do have choices and a voice and while he has tried to keep you under his control by damaging your self esteem,you can rise from this ordeal all the stronger if you understand WHY you do this to yourself by staying,forgiving the unforgiveable and allowing him to continue to abuse you and blame you for all. He is a SICK man and you can NOT save him.Obviously no one can.He HAS already proven that he is anti-social and the only thing YOU have any control over is your reaction to him.It's been unhealthy thus far,but you can change that by changing your reaction! http://www.sexhelp.com/betrayal_bond.cfm If this site sounds familiar.....go find yourself a GOOD therapist so you can try and break your codependant reactions to this man. I speak from experience when I say,THEY never change,but we can. You OWE him NOTHING! Least of all a free pass from paying consequences for his actions against you! http://www.amazon.com/Betrayal-Bond-Breaking-Exploitive-Relationships/dp/1558745262 This book woke me up to the reality that my chooser was WAY broken and my ability to Betrayal bond stemmed from my own abusive childhood. Please be wise and LEAVE RIGHT NOW and don't look back! Hugs........Heart on Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I don't want to call the police on him because with his 2 strikes he will go to jail/prison for a long time and he does have 3 children. Last time I threatened to call the police he said that I would be the reason why his kids would grow up with no father. Then the threats on my safety started, and the safety of those around me. I'm scared and don't want him or any one he knows to hurt me or my family. You want someone that chokes and punches defenseless people around children? Those are the kind of kids that will benefit from not having this pathetic piece of scum around. You realise that he will not only do this to anoter woman, but more than likely his children as well right? And you're ok with that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author voiceless Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 Thank you so much for all of your suggestions and resources, I will check them out today... I am still gone, and am not going back, but Lord knows it is hard, not matter how bad the hurt of staying was. I am focused on myself, and it seems that since we broke up, things in my life have started to move in a positive direction, like my life energy is shifting... I still have major anxiety which I am trying to cope with, and I am not turning to drinking to help ease the pain. I am doing this fully conscious. Wish me luck out there that I have the strength to stay gone, cause when he starts in on me it is very hard to say no. I hope all of your suggestions for readings and what not can help me to see deeper as to why I would ever stay with someone who hurts me in such ways... Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Thanks for letting us know. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author voiceless Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 Thanks Turnera Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Oh, btw, look up organizations in your area for women who have suffered abuse. You will find IMMENSE strength and support there, and likely make some fabulous friends. Link to post Share on other sites
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