garyjev Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 We are both 28 and have been married nearly four years. Just over two years my wife suggested us trying out a swingers club. Now, my wife is gorgeous and had done topless modelling when she was younger, and has always had a high sex drive, but i was very uneasy with it and told her so. She explained that she felt it could spice things up between us and was harmless fun. Naively i went along with it and we went to a swingers party in March 2009. The experience was different, and although my wife visibly enjoyed it more than i did, i figured it would be a one off event. However it wasn't, and she wanted us to go on a regular basis. During these visits she began to 'swing' with regular guys, and over this period of time i noticed a big change in how she dressed and acted. Then in Febraury of last year she had a boob job, which is something that she would never have done and was something she kept pretty secret from me up until the last minute. I have asked her to stop going, and over the past 6 months i havent been to any but she has continued to go, regularily seeing the same guys. I have heard from her sister that the boob job, and the size she went up to, was done soley for her swingers benefits (which she has denied). I feel extremely worried about all of this, and although i know some replies will criticise me for accepting to her orginal request, your replies will be greatfully recieved by me. Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 You lost her already. It sucks, but the sooner you face it, the better you'll be off in the long term. Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Bolt before your peepee rots off. Link to post Share on other sites
jerrym Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 The moment she tasted the world of swinging was the moment you lost her unfortunately. The boob job was probably what she felt she needed to make her even more desirable to the regular guys she was having, giving her objects on her body that they wanted her to have. All in all it does appear the woman you knew has changed forever, and whether you remain with he is very much dependant on whether you want this type of life, because she clearly is not giving it up. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I don't buy that idea of open relationships being stronger and more stable. There is always someone out there who will outdo you, and when she finds him, why would she want you? Link to post Share on other sites
TheCoolest Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Honestly you have two choices here. A. Since you are obviously unhappy go out and bone whoever you want (including her sister) B. Tell her straight up she needs to choose between having sex with random men and her husband. If she still loves you the choice should be obvious. Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 The moment she tasted the world of swinging was the moment you lost her unfortunately. The moment she even suggested it was the moment you lost her unfortunately. Should've never went down the drain with her buddy. Divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
TheCoolest Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I don't buy that idea of open relationships being stronger and more stable. There is always someone out there who will outdo you, and when she finds him, why would she want you? I agree about open relationships being quite stupid. I disagree with the second part though. I mean just because a guy is better in bed doesn't mean he is a better partner. Sex is definitely not everything. Link to post Share on other sites
youngskywalker Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 How long were you two dating/engaged before marriage? How was the sex before marriage vs. after? You only pointed out she wanted to spice things up. Which means she either wanted more or you two were actually having sex problems. Did you stop banging her? Just wondering these things. [sex is definitely not everything] To you no, but to her it is. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I mean just because a guy is better in bed doesn't mean he is a better partner. Sex is definitely not everything. I'm not saying it is. I'm saying if it's good enough with another man, her judgement about husband will most likely get VERY clouded and attachment will diminish. Link to post Share on other sites
jerrym Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 How long were you two dating/engaged before marriage? How was the sex before marriage vs. after? You only pointed out she wanted to spice things up. Which means she either wanted more or you two were actually having sex problems. Did you stop banging her? Just wondering these things. [sex is definitely not everything] To you no, but to her it is. We dated for four years before getting married. The sex life between us was always good, it was very regular. Certainly over the last six months the amount we are having has slowed down (She doesnt feel like it as often anymore). I spoke to her sister only recently, that's when the subject of the boob job was brought up. She used to be very close to my wife, and it was her belief that the reason the sex is not as regular anymore is because my wife is saving her body for her regular guys, and is splitting the sexual time she has with me with the time she has other guys. I broached the subject with my wife, and just like the boob job issue, she denied it. Link to post Share on other sites
youngskywalker Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I'd be willing to bet she dabbled in those kind of events before you guys hooked up. The topless photo is the first clue, second is the fact she had no reservations going into it. It was familiar to her. I agree with the other men here that you've lost her. If there is a bright side to any of this it's that she didn't go behind your back and cheat. That would have hurt worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Enchanted Girl Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 She is lying and not even well. You need to get a divorce and use the fact that she's regularly sleeping with other men (many men) against her trying to take all your money. Because at this point, if you don't leave her, she's going to leave YOU. The moment I lost my ex of five years (even though we dated a long time) was when he told me he wanted an open relationship. And when I said it was between me and them, he got angry with me and said I couldn't tell him what to do and punished me emotionally for months. He said I was being selfish (when he was the one being selfish) and our relationship would be better that way. His sex drive disappeared as well . . . . slowly. I was literally begging for sex at the end, ripping off my clothes for him, and he'd scream at me and call me a bitch for it, saying I was "forcing" myself on him and that it was nasty and what was wrong with me? He was so good at insulting me that I was apologizing. So leave her. You've already lost her and you are better off without her. There are wonderful women out there who won't do this to you, so stop wasting your time with someone so selfish. I know it will hurt, but it will be for the best in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Pasttense Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I think you are in the wrong forum; this is the dating forum. There are others more appropriate, such as the Infidelity Forum: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/f35/ If you had asked elsewhere, I think the one of the first questions would have been: Do you have any children? If so, get counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Sanman Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I think you are in the wrong forum; this is the dating forum. There are others more appropriate, such as the Infidelity Forum: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/f35/ If you had asked elsewhere, I think the one of the first questions would have been: Do you have any children? If so, get counseling. Counseling only works if both parties are interested. Honestly, she does not seem at all concerned about his well being or their relationship from the OP's posts. Link to post Share on other sites
youngskywalker Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Counseling only works if both parties are interested. Honestly, she does not seem at all concerned about his well being or their relationship from the OP's posts. Saying this won't help the situation but, I agree. It's just who she is and you can't change that. The "swinger girl" is the type she was loooooong before he met her. Best thing to do is take this situation with a molecule of reality. My personal conviction is, I would never date a girl who did topless photos. O.K. I might date her but I'd never trust her enough to marry her. Way too much baggage for me that goes along with that industry. It says a lot about what kind of person she is. Yeah people do change but it's few and far in between. The proof is always in the pudding. A persons past is the best way to determine the future as the cliche goes. Let's learn from this. OP I wish the best for you in this difficult situation. Next time, choose more wisely. Not everything that is sexy with a pretty face will make you happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Isn't swinging supposed to involve BOTH partners participating at the same time? I would say this seems more like infedelity then swinging. While I am not a huge fan of ultimatums, I would say that you may want to tell her your concerns and say that she either discontinues the swinging or you are going to end the marriage. I'm sorry to say though that I suspect she will chose the latter, but if she does, then she isn't the kind of woman that deserves to be married to you. Link to post Share on other sites
alethean Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 We are both 28 and have been married nearly four years. Just over two years my wife suggested us trying out a swingers club. The moment she tasted the world of swinging was the moment you lost her unfortunately. The boob job was probably what she felt she needed to make her even more desirable to the regular guys she was having, giving her objects on her body that they wanted her to have. All in all it does appear the woman you knew has changed forever, and whether you remain with he is very much dependant on whether you want this type of life, because she clearly is not giving it up. We dated for four years before getting married. The sex life between us was always good, it was very regular. Certainly over the last six months the amount we are having has slowed down (She doesnt feel like it as often anymore). I spoke to her sister only recently, that's when the subject of the boob job was brought up. She used to be very close to my wife, and it was her belief that the reason the sex is not as regular anymore is because my wife is saving her body for her regular guys, and is splitting the sexual time she has with me with the time she has other guys. I broached the subject with my wife, and just like the boob job issue, she denied it. Jerry, are you and OP the same person? Because I was about to suggest that he read your thread. Lol. Link to post Share on other sites
steviek2000 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 You could just move out and see if she eventually divorces you. I think lots comes down to you having a strategy to get out of this thing with the least amount of financial pain. There is small chance that if you move out she will come back to you and give up swinging. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 What happens next is really up to you. If you're comfortable with this lifestyle (which I doubt since you're here in the first place) than let it go on. But really, if you aren't, you need to decide what you want to do next. It does sound like she has moved on without you though. IMO it would be unfair to both of you (not that you need to care about her feelings since she clearly doesn't care about your's very much) if you restricted her activities. She'll end up resenting you for controlling her actions, and you'll end up resenting her for her disrespectful actions in the first place. I don't see things ending well when two people have diametrically opposed views about such a large issue. Link to post Share on other sites
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