No Longer the Other Woman but Am I Next

[baffled75]

I been with my BF for over 6 yrs. however, the first three years he was married. He is 15 yrs. older than me and therefore more experienced i think. He has been talking about having a threesome for several years now and at first I played along saying "that'll be my present to you for your 50th birthday" well to be honest I didn't think the relationship would last this long and his birthday has come and gone and we're still together. There have been some major ups and downs with a majority of them dealing with his marriage (the wife is the one who finally pushed forward with the divorce and he'd probably still be married if she wouldn't have found out about me) A threesome, if I ever decide to, is something I will only do with the person I spend the rest of my life with as in married too, and because of all his lies in the past I don't think he is worthy of that gift from me. Plus he will probably never ask me to marry him, therefore.....(whole other issue.....)

Due to the fact that he cheated with me I feel that him wanting a threesome is just his way of cheating on me with my ok. Sometimes it makes me feel like a mistress all over again and I hate that feeling.

He insists that he just wants to see me go over the edge with pleasure and that's it. I've told him many times in the past year that there's no way I could handle it if they were to touch. The thought of him touching another women makes me both sick to myh stomach and angry at the the same time. BUT He continues to talk about it, in great detail at times, and I'm sick of listening to it. We have a great sex life; a lot of "my firsts" have been with him, but this isn't going to be one of them.

He has now starting talking about me with him and another guy at the same time and that could be my fantasy but he wants his fulfilled first. I've told him I have no desire to do that but he doesn't seem to understand or hear me. He seems to think that because I like a vibrator and him at the same time that I would like 2 guys or another woman there but to me it's two different things. I feel that if I don't agree and go through with one he will just cheat behind my back because in reality he likes variety and once a cheater always a cheater.

He did tell me that he did have one before he got married when he was in his 20's but it wasn’t that fun because they were more into each other and not him and that's why he wants to try it again. I think he is contradicting himself when he says he wants to try it with me but it's all for my pleasure. Isn't that just history repeating itself?

I'm starting to get angry with him talking about it after we have sex...all the time. He also gets very detailed in how he pictures it and he gets very turned on by talking about it and ready for round 2 or 3. How do I get it across to him that it's never going to happen and to stop talking about it, without him getting all pouty about it? I've asked him if he is bored with our sex life and he says no. I would love to ask the ex-wife if he did the same thing to her and that's how he ended up with me but she hates me...He's played it over in his head so many times that he would probably be disappointed anyway....

Edited June 20, 2011 by baffled75

[TigerCub]

I been with my BF for over 6 yrs. however, the first three years he was married. He is 15 yrs. older than me and therefore more experienced i think. He has been talking about having a threesome for several years now and at first I played along saying "that'll be my present to you for your 50th birthday" well to be honest I didn't think the relationship would last this long and his birthday has come and gone and we're still together. There have been some major ups and downs with a majority of them dealing with his marriage (the wife is the one who finally pushed forward with the divorce and he'd probably still be married if she wouldn't have found out about me) A threesome, if I ever decide to, is something I will only do with the person I spend the rest of my life with as in married too, and because of all his lies in the past I don't think he is worthy of that gift from me. Plus he will probably never ask me to marry him, therefore.....(whole other issue.....)

I don't get that.

I would never want a threesome with someone I actually cared about - because seeing them with the other person isn't exactly something I would consider hot - but that's just me.

 

 

Due to the fact that he cheated with me I feel that him wanting a threesome is just his way of cheating on me with my ok. Sometimes it makes me feel like a mistress all over again and I hate that feeling.

He insists that he just wants to see me go over the edge with pleasure and that's it.

I would tell him - "awww that's great - so do something I WOULD ENJOY - and a threesome isn't it"

 

 

 

I've told him many times in the past year that there's no way I could handle it if they were to touch. The thought of him touching another women makes me both sick to myh stomach and angry at the the same time. BUT He continues to talk about it, in great detail at times, and I'm sick of listening to it. We have a great sex life; a lot of "my firsts" have been with him, but this isn't going to be one of them.

 

He has now starting talking about me with him and another guy at the same time and that could be my fantasy but he wants his fulfilled first. I've told him I have no desire to do that but he doesn't seem to understand or hear me. He seems to think that because I like a vibrator and him at the same time that I would like 2 guys or another woman there but to me it's two different things. I feel that if I don't agree and go through with one he will just cheat behind my back because in reality he likes variety and once a cheater always a cheater.

 

He did tell me that he did have one before he got married when he was in his 20's but it wasn’t that fun because they were more into each other and not him and that's why he wants to try it again. I think he is contradicting himself when he says he wants to try it with me but it's all for my pleasure. Isn't that just history repeating itself?

 

I'm starting to get angry with him talking about it after we have sex...all the time. He also gets very detailed in how he pictures it and he gets very turned on by talking about it and ready for round 2 or 3. How do I get it across to him that it's never going to happen and to stop talking about it, without him getting all pouty about it? I've asked him if he is bored with our sex life and he says no. I would love to ask the ex-wife if he did the same thing to her and that's how he ended up with me but she hates me...He's played it over in his head so many times that he would probably be disappointed anyway....

 

The rest of the story, well, I'm not going to lecture you, but honestly, this has got to be said.

 

You made choices and you ended up with a person that you KNOW is a cheater, and now you're busting out with "once a cheater always a cheater" ?!! then why the hell are you with him??!

 

That's YOUR Choice!

 

And yeah he's trying to butter you up with the 2 guy threesome so he can get his 2 girl threesome - that's crap, he's playing you, he's trying to "trick" you as if you were a stupid little child.

 

Its up to you if you want to stay with him, but you have to decide if you want to live the rest of your life with him doing everything he wants you to do for fear that he will leave you if you don't.

[bentnotbroken]

Seems like you caught the fish you were angling for. What's the problem. His character was evident before you got to this point.

[awkward]

How do I get it across to him that it's never going to happen and to stop talking about it, without him getting all pouty about it? I've asked him if he is bored with our sex life and he says no. I would love to ask the ex-wife if he did the same thing to her and that's how he ended up with me but she hates me...He's played it over in his head so many times that he would probably be disappointed anyway....

 

Be honest with him. Just tell him it's not going to happen with you. It isn't about you not being good enough, your sex life being boring, how much he loves you, etc. It's about him. If he chooses to cheat, it won't be because you aren't good enough. You can't control his response or his actions.

 

There is no point in talking to the ex-wife. It was never about her either.

[BB07]

I read your other post and after reading it considering the games that you both have played with each other to get to this point, it seems that it's going to be very difficult to have an open honest relationship with him now.

 

After all........if I read it right, you at first told him that you'd go for a 3some and now you are backtracking. You saw it as a way to appease him, now he is calling you on your bluff.

 

I don't see how you can have a healthy happy relationship with this man unless you both clean up your act.

[OldOnTheInside]

Seems like you caught the fish you were angling for. What's the problem. His character was evident before you got to this point.

 

Yes. Cause and effect. Your choices alone have lead you here.

 

So you probably shouldn't expect much sympathy.

[MissBee]

Girlll....this sounds like a remake of a situation I was in with my ex. I would love to talk to you one to one because I can relate.

 

Asking for 3somes and all...I was uncomfortable but subverted my true opinions and desires and bended to whatever he wanted to keep him. THANKFULLY I did not end up doing the 3some but in general, I pretended to be way more open to certain things and didn't speak up or even convinced myself that yess I indeed wanted them, when I did not!

 

Your relationship is not a happy or healthy one. I don't think that is a shock to you. You think this man would still be married, he is still trying to get his rocks off with other people despite your feelings, he is old and immature and you're overall insecure about the relationship and yourself (based on everything you're saying and I know having been there too).

 

I would really begin to assess this situation and ultimately run like hell! It saddens me for my old self and for women I see enduring some frigged up situations and clinging for dear life as though it were a bed of roses. Life is not easy and relationships aren't easy, but a loving, healthy relationship doesn't look like that and every woman can and should get a loving and healthy relationship. Fortunately and unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, it is up to you. A healthy relationship starts with yourself and your relationship with yourself, your desires, what you will and won't deal with and all that influences who you ultimately attract. You can wish and pray for a great man and relationship and ignore working on yourself and you will get something alright....something that reflects exactly where you are!

 

I think you have lots of stuff you need to work through. Maybe you guys should go to relationship counseling together which can help you to work out if this relationship can be salvaged and if it is worth your while or just a hot mess based on poor judgment that needs to be thrown away (which sounds more like the case IMO).

[MissBee]

I read your other post and after reading it considering the games that you both have played with each other to get to this point, it seems that it's going to be very difficult to have an open honest relationship with him now.

 

After all........if I read it right, you at first told him that you'd go for a 3some and now you are backtracking. You saw it as a way to appease him, now he is calling you on your bluff.

I don't see how you can have a healthy happy relationship with this man unless you both clean up your act.

 

Ditto....

 

If a relationship started on a very messed up foundation, it is near impossible to steer it on to the right course, especially if both people are doing and thinking some messy stuff themselves. It is like lying to get someone to be with you....why??? Because the relationship you are building is based on something that does not exist and never existed and they are in fact inlove with an illusion and not you. Then you have to pretend all the days of your life or be truthful and lose it anyway.

 

To work on your relationship....you gotta work on yourself...BOTH of you. You have to have a genuine desire to be together and then have to work on yourselves and check again after that, if that desire is even still there (as sometimes it's only when you're in some crazy fog of messed-up-ness do you even desire certain things and people). When you're both operating from an honest, healthy mind frame and still want each other and find each other to be compatible, THEN you can begin to try to have a relationship together. Otherwise it is a whole bunch of mess.

[fooled once]

He is SHOWING you he has no respect for you.

 

Yet you claim to love him and he is your BFF.

 

I know my BFF loves me and respects me.

 

I know my H would never ever KEEP bringing up a situation if I told him no. He respects me too much to do that.

 

You will eventually give in; or he will arrange it and you will feel like you MUST do it.

 

If you have to be so fearful of telling him NO and to knock it off, that shows to me that you really don't love him. You want to, but you don't.

 

Why you CHOOSE to stay with someone who has no respect for you, who doesn't listen to you, who you are scared to tell the truth to and who, as you said, never would have divorced had his WIFE not done it..... you need therapy to help you.

 

He doesn't love you. You don't love him. You are needy and need him and you refuse to want happiness for yourself. 6 years you have invested into someone you don't trust and who doesn't respect you. I would tell you to run and run far and fast, but you won't. For some reason, you think this old, aging pervert is the best you can do.

 

And I agree with Tiger, no way would I ever want a 3 some with my spouse. Sorry, but I don't share Guess your boyfriend can't say the same thing and for some reason you accept that and tolerate it.

[MissBee]

He is SHOWING you he has no respect for you.

 

Yet you claim to love him and he is your BFF.

 

I know my BFF loves me and respects me.

 

I know my H would never ever KEEP bringing up a situation if I told him no. He respects me too much to do that.

 

You will eventually give in; or he will arrange it and you will feel like you MUST do it.

 

If you have to be so fearful of telling him NO and to knock it off, that shows to me that you really don't love him. You want to, but you don't.

 

Why you CHOOSE to stay with someone who has no respect for you, who doesn't listen to you, who you are scared to tell the truth to and who, as you said, never would have divorced had his WIFE not done it..... you need therapy to help you.

 

He doesn't love you. You don't love him. You are needy and need him and you refuse to want happiness for yourself. 6 years you have invested into someone you don't trust and who doesn't respect you. I would tell you to run and run far and fast, but you won't. For some reason, you think this old, aging pervert is the best you can do.

 

And I agree with Tiger, no way would I ever want a 3 some with my spouse. Sorry, but I don't share Guess your boyfriend can't say the same thing and for some reason you accept that and tolerate it.

 

It's kind of ironic though, since being in an affair IS in fact "sharing"...so I suppose if you shared knowingly before, I guess sharing, just at the same time, is not that big of a leap

[waytogo]

I been with my BF for over 6 yrs. however, the first three years he was married. He is 15 yrs. older than me and therefore more experienced i think. He has been talking about having a threesome for several years now and at first I played along saying "that'll be my present to you for your 50th birthday" well to be honest I didn't think the relationship would last this long and his birthday has come and gone and we're still together. There have been some major ups and downs with a majority of them dealing with his marriage (the wife is the one who finally pushed forward with the divorce and he'd probably still be married if she wouldn't have found out about me) A threesome, if I ever decide to, is something I will only do with the person I spend the rest of my life with as in married too, and because of all his lies in the past I don't think he is worthy of that gift from me. Plus he will probably never ask me to marry him, therefore.....(whole other issue.....)

Due to the fact that he cheated with me I feel that him wanting a threesome is just his way of cheating on me with my ok. Sometimes it makes me feel like a mistress all over again and I hate that feeling.

He insists that he just wants to see me go over the edge with pleasure and that's it. I've told him many times in the past year that there's no way I could handle it if they were to touch. The thought of him touching another women makes me both sick to myh stomach and angry at the the same time. BUT He continues to talk about it, in great detail at times, and I'm sick of listening to it. We have a great sex life; a lot of "my firsts" have been with him, but this isn't going to be one of them.

He has now starting talking about me with him and another guy at the same time and that could be my fantasy but he wants his fulfilled first. I've told him I have no desire to do that but he doesn't seem to understand or hear me. He seems to think that because I like a vibrator and him at the same time that I would like 2 guys or another woman there but to me it's two different things. I feel that if I don't agree and go through with one he will just cheat behind my back because in reality he likes variety and once a cheater always a cheater.

He did tell me that he did have one before he got married when he was in his 20's but it wasn’t that fun because they were more into each other and not him and that's why he wants to try it again. I think he is contradicting himself when he says he wants to try it with me but it's all for my pleasure. Isn't that just history repeating itself?

I'm starting to get angry with him talking about it after we have sex...all the time. He also gets very detailed in how he pictures it and he gets very turned on by talking about it and ready for round 2 or 3. How do I get it across to him that it's never going to happen and to stop talking about it, without him getting all pouty about it? I've asked him if he is bored with our sex life and he says no. I would love to ask the ex-wife if he did the same thing to her and that's how he ended up with me but she hates me...He's played it over in his head so many times that he would probably be disappointed anyway....

 

Baffled, don't degrade yourself by submitting to things that make you feel even less connected if you did them, than when he speaks of them. I promise you, if he's staying with you, he's staying without a 3 way. If he's staying with you, you don't have to eat his pooh or anything next he'd come up with. If he respects and wants you, any silly fantacy that most people in a commited R don't get anyway, would just remain a fantacy, and probably a faded fantacy at that if it is a person that can truly appreciate the reality you bring.

 

If he can't appreciate you as a real human with her own needs of for her R, let him take his chances in the world. Finding an actual devoted partner who will not share such personal intamacy with outside partners is not near as available as a magazine that features such. Look at the mags yourself. There's not an article about how the great wife did the laundry, cooked a great dinner and 'did an OW until I had to jump in and do them both'.

 

He gets you to do this first, then he will...? Never going to happen on his part. Since it doesn't sit with you, hope it's never going to happen on your part.

 

I don't care if you joked along previously. If it's not what you want to do, don't do it. There is no doubt to me if you went along to 'keep' him, you'll loose him anyway. Then you'll have to look back with further regret and humiliation for having given him something that made you feel sh*tty just to start over anyway.

 

Look out for you on this one.

[MissBee]

Baffled, don't degrade yourself by submitting to things that make you feel even less connected if you did them, than when he speaks of them. I promise you, if he's staying with you, he's staying without a 3 way. If he's staying with you, you don't have to eat his pooh or anything next he'd come up with. If he respects and wants you, any silly fantacy that most people in a commited R don't get anyway, would just remain a fantacy, and probably a faded fantacy at that if it is a person that can truly appreciate the reality you bring.

 

If he can't appreciate you as a real human with her own needs of for her R, let him take his chances in the world. Finding an actual devoted partner who will not share such personal intamacy with outside partners is not near as available as a magazine that features such. Look at the mags yourself. There's not an article about how the great wife did the laundry, cooked a great dinner and 'did an OW until I had to jump in and do them both'.

 

He gets you to do this first, then he will...? Never going to happen on his part. Since it doesn't sit with you, hope it's never going to happen on your part.

 

I don't care if you joked along previously. If it's not what you want to do, don't do it. There is no doubt to me if you went along to 'keep' him, you'll loose him anyway. Then you'll have to look back with further regret and humiliation for having given him something that made you feel sh*tty just to start over anyway.

 

Look out for you on this one.

 

Isn't this the truth!

 

Everyday I thank my lucky stars I never did a 3some for my ex (and even more embarrassing was that he asked me AFTER we broke up/went on a break and I was so vulnerable and wanted him back that I agreed). He would have broken up with me anyway and I would have felt like shyt for doing something I didn't really want to do, thinking it would allow me to get him back and that he would love me all the more for being so open and giving, when really, he would have left me anyway and I would have felt humiliated. I wouldn't have been able to live that down...smh. So I thank the Universe sooooooo much for me dodging that bullet!

 

You have to make your own choices that YOU can live with and not bend and sway with every whim of someone who is just trying to get what THEY want. The hardest lesson I have learned and am still mastering is boundaries....as my nature was to be very compromising, very giving and very sacrificing to a fault. I thought being nice meant to be a free for all and that I had to love people more than I loved myself and put everyone else's wants in front of mine and even jeopardize myself for them...but it doesn't! I'd rather be respected than "liked" for allowing people to do whatever...because in reality they don't like or love me for me, they like me for the fact that I allow them to do whatever they want. It's like parents who try to be their kids' friend...they think their kids think they're cool and it's so great not realizing their kids don't respect them and the minute they try to discipline them they see exactly what the kids REALLY think! Try it...the minute you stop doing everything he wants and start saying No, you'll see how he acts. He seems to love you for what you allow him to do and get away with and not because he respects you and love you as a strong person within your own right.

Edited June 21, 2011 by MissBee

[TinaniT]

I had a threesome that I didn't really want before to keep my partner happy (not with my husband now, of course, he wouldn't want one regardless and he certainly wouldn't want to push me where I didn't want to go.) and I just have to say don't do it.

 

If you feel threatened by having your own needs or desires then you should NOT be with this person. No one who loves you will ask that of you.

 

(Though I do not think it's fair to say once a cheat always a cheat when you were and are with him.)

 

Good luck

[TinaniT]

Between this post and your other post I do have to agree that both of you need to work on yourselves to healthfully interact together and actually move forward. This all seems very toxic. It's going to keep hurting you if the lies and the forcing and manipulation continue.

[TigerCub]

It's kind of ironic though, since being in an affair IS in fact "sharing"...so I suppose if you shared knowingly before, I guess sharing, just at the same time, is not that big of a leap

 

I see what you're saying MB, but its pretty different IMO.

When I was "sharing" xmm with his gf, I didnt see it. I didn't see him kiss her, go down on her, have intercourse with her.

 

I didn't even want to think or her as a person (I know that this sounds terrible), but I mean, that since I didn't know what she even looked like, I kept her as an "abstract" in my mind. I still felt bad and guilty most of the time, but I'm sure I would have felt much much worse if I had actually known her, and I'm sure my heart would have broken if I had seen him WITH her (in a relationship or sexual context)

 

so while I see what you're getting at, I still think there is a HUGE difference between knowing that you're sharing someone and actually seeing it.

[Heart On]

I assume you expected this leopard to change his spots once

you "landed" him?

 

That was your first mistake.

 

Due to the fact that he cheated with me I feel that him wanting a threesome is just his way of cheating on me with my ok.

I feel that if I don't agree and go through with one he will just cheat behind my back because in reality he likes variety and once a cheater always a cheater.I've told him I have no desire to do that but he doesn't seem to understand or hear me. I'm starting to get angry with him talking about it after we have sex...all the time.

 

Staying with him knowing all this is your second.

 

I am sure you feel like you have sacrificed and compromised yourself for a long time for this guy and this is all just icing on the cake,but you could always cut your losses and get away from this mess of a man before you expend even more of yourself,let alone time on him.You know he won't ask you to marry him and if that's a goal,not to mention if you want children,you can choose to find someone who respects you,even at this late date.

 

(the wife is the one who finally pushed forward with the divorce and he'd probably still be married if she wouldn't have found out about me)

 

Don't feel like you HAVE to stay with him under these circumstances even if his wife left him because of you.If he can't respect you or your boundaries,why do you owe him anything?

 

I would love to ask the ex-wife if he did the same thing to her and that's how he ended up with me but she hates me.

 

You were part of a Threesome in his marriage.Of course he did the same thing to her.And if she should hate someone,it should be him.

 

He sounds very selfish to me.And you sound as though you don't

feel like you have the right to walk away at this point.

 

How do I get it across to him that it's never going to happen and to stop talking about it, without him getting all pouty about it?

 

Tell him that if he mentions it again...you are leaving him.And mean it.

You are not just his sex toy to pose and manipulate as he choose like he did when you were his OW.

 

Men don't respect women who don't respect themselves.

[sexywifey]

There have been some major ups and downs with a majority of them dealing with his marriage (the wife is the one who finally pushed forward with the divorce and he'd probably still be married if she wouldn't have found out about me)

 

Due to the fact that he cheated with me I feel that him wanting a threesome is just his way of cheating on me with my ok. Sometimes it makes me feel like a mistress all over again and I hate that feeling.

 

 

I feel that if I don't agree and go through with one he will just cheat behind my back because in reality he likes variety and once a cheater always a cheater.

 

How do I get it across to him that it's never going to happen and to stop talking about it, without him getting all pouty about it?.

 

So now they are divorced but only because she wanted the divorce and she left his ass. Doesn't that make you feel like crap? He didn't leave her to be with you, she left him and he stayed with you. I think thats a tough pill to swallow.

 

Once a cheater always a cheater is not necessarily true, but if he is pushing this hard for a 3some I think it is only a matter of time before he is cheating on you. I do think in this case a 3some is his way to cheat on you, but with your "ok" so to speak.

 

Honestly, I know you probably won't do this or want to hear it but you NEED to move on . Why were you attracted to this person, did you have some bad relationships or upbringing, divorced parents, parents who stuck together but were miserable in their marriage? A woman doesn't get w. a married man without some baggage of her own so I am just curious. Not judging you, just asking why.

 

You can find a nice, dedicated, loving man who only wants you no one else. They do exist really. You deserve better than a guy who wants a 3some and pushes for it even after knowing you do not. He needs a different girl who is into that stuff, and it is not you. Good luck to you.

[MissBee]

I see what you're saying MB, but its pretty different IMO.

When I was "sharing" xmm with his gf, I didnt see it. I didn't see him kiss her, go down on her, have intercourse with her.

 

I didn't even want to think or her as a person (I know that this sounds terrible), but I mean, that since I didn't know what she even looked like, I kept her as an "abstract" in my mind. I still felt bad and guilty most of the time, but I'm sure I would have felt much much worse if I had actually known her, and I'm sure my heart would have broken if I had seen him WITH her (in a relationship or sexual context)

 

so while I see what you're getting at, I still think there is a HUGE difference between knowing that you're sharing someone and actually seeing it.

 

I was completely kidding Tiger...I was just saying that it's ironic how one can prance aorund in an affair which is essentially sharing but get indignant about sharing, together lol But if I were being serious, it is a different thing or different mechanisms allow you to be okay with one and not the other.

[Silly_Girl]

I see what you're saying MB, but its pretty different IMO.

When I was "sharing" xmm with his gf, I didnt see it. I didn't see him kiss her, go down on her, have intercourse with her.

 

I didn't even want to think or her as a person (I know that this sounds terrible), but I mean, that since I didn't know what she even looked like, I kept her as an "abstract" in my mind. I still felt bad and guilty most of the time, but I'm sure I would have felt much much worse if I had actually known her, and I'm sure my heart would have broken if I had seen him WITH her (in a relationship or sexual context)

 

so while I see what you're getting at, I still think there is a HUGE difference between knowing that you're sharing someone and actually seeing it.

 

There's absolutely no doubt in my mind that the 3some would be the lesser of two evils for me. A shared sexual experience with the man I love, that is for us and about us, versus him kissing and touching a woman who he once cared enough about to marry, perhaps forging bonds or triggering emotions, and I can't see the impact or know how intimate it was...

 

To be honest I doubt I could deal with either

[baffled75]

So now they are divorced but only because she wanted the divorce and she left his ass. Doesn't that make you feel like crap? He didn't leave her to be with you, she left him and he stayed with you. I think thats a tough pill to swallow.

 

Still trying to choke it down...

 

Once a cheater always a cheater is not necessarily true, but if he is pushing this hard for a 3some I think it is only a matter of time before he is cheating on you. I do think in this case a 3some is his way to cheat on you, but with your "ok" so to speak.

 

 

Honestly, I know you probably won't do this or want to hear it but you NEED to move on . Why were you attracted to this person, did you have some bad relationships or upbringing, divorced parents, parents who stuck together but were miserable in their marriage? A woman doesn't get w. a married man without some baggage of her own so I am just curious. Not judging you, just asking why.

 

You can find a nice, dedicated, loving man who only wants you no one else. They do exist really. You deserve better than a guy who wants a 3some and pushes for it even after knowing you do not. He needs a different girl who is into that stuff, and it is not you. Good luck to you.

 

- 1 serious relationship (3 yrs.) prior to MM. Ironically, I was able to realize that it was time to move on and did because the relationship wasn't fulfilling my needs.

-Baggage...I’m not sure if i do or not. I've never looked back at my upbringing and saw it as baggage. I've never really knew what was meant by ‘baggage’. I just assumed it was things in your life that you weren't exactly proud of. So, I Goggled it and in answer to your question, yes but I don't think it played a role. I didn't know he was married at first and there was nothing for me to even think he was married. I know it sounds corny but I really do believe it was love at first sight for the both of us. When I found out he was married I did believe him when he said that since the kids are out of the house they are basically roommates. I asked if there is going to be a divorce and i still to this day remember exactly what he said to me, "Actually it’s been on the horizon for some time now but now I have motivation" We worked together (how i met him actually) and I wasn't the only one that didn't know he was married.

I have no idea why I continued with the relationship but after looking up "Baggage" i realized that our relationship has been nothing but baggage and the pile is just getting bigger. I've tried to get out but he has a way of worming his way back in. I wanted to live together after his divorce and he didn't but I needed something to prove to me he was serious about us. I get the ring I wanted...1 ct princess cut ring. I'm looking at it one day, of course after showing my friends, and out of nowhere I got the gut feeling that "something isn't right here." And because those gut feelings were usually right, I brought it in. It's too embarrassing to ellobarate and thinking about it just makes me mad to think I am still with him.

My mind has been non-stop since I made the post. I’ve love the man with all my heart and he's my best friend but he does things that make me feel like I'm still the other woman. I've told him it's over because I just can't deal with it anymore. So, now what does he do...he wants to talk about getting married! All I’ve been able to do is continue to shake my and continue going over in my head what I said to him. I instantly stopped crying and without even thinking about it, turned and looked at him and asked, while sarcastically laughing, "WOW, seriously?" And had to refrain myself from saying "why so this can somehow or another turn out like the fake ring thing." I got up and left. Since then he keeps asking "what can I do" and the only thing I want is to talk to his ex-wife. I want to know her side of things; their relationship prior to me and after me, what was she told. I've confronted him in the past and he tells me I'm wrong. His excuses are so plausible that sometimes i think maybe I’m being paranoid. I think I'm right on the money about everything. I know, I know, I know, and yes, I am blind, naive, it is what it is, etc.

I tried emailing her last year and but she never replied. I know she hates me, and she has every right too, but i think it will benefit the both of us in the long road. I want to move on without having any what ifs in my head.

[Tayla]

Baffled75, A wise person said "An unexamined life is not worth Living". Start living by doing the examination , a healthy well adjusted individual with appeal ,education and a stable life is less likely to be placed in the other women role (unless your into "open" relations).

 

Secondly where do you get off thinking that this is a high school group session of comparing notes?? You fell off the tracks when you think it would do anyone any good to compare his truths to the reality. You already know the answers anyway....I think you just want to hear it from the horses mouth.

I can assure you as a Lady who had her significant cheat, I no more cared to compare notes with the mistress then I would to see videos of their antics together...Your regard for the EX wife should be to never step foot on her doorstep, you are just dredging up more pain then she deserves. Just send her flowers with a nice hallmark card saying "wish you were here instead of me"

 

Oddly I think once the divorce was final so was the Excitement of the tryst. So common.

[MissBee]

Baffled75, A wise person said "An unexamined life is not worth Living". Start living by doing the examination , a healthy well adjusted individual with appeal ,education and a stable life is less likely to be placed in the other women role (unless your into "open" relations).

 

Secondly where do you get off thinking that this is a high school group session of comparing notes?? You fell off the tracks when you think it would do anyone any good to compare his truths to the reality. You already know the answers anyway....I think you just want to hear it from the horses mouth.

I can assure you as a Lady who had her significant cheat, I no more cared to compare notes with the mistress then I would to see videos of their antics together...Your regard for the EX wife should be to never step foot on her doorstep, you are just dredging up more pain then she deserves. Just send her flowers with a nice hallmark card saying "wish you were here instead of me"

 

Oddly I think once the divorce was final so was the Excitement of the tryst. So common.

 

One of my favorite quotes of all time I definitely live by it as well.

 

LMAO @ "Just send her flowers with a nice hallmark card saying "wish you were here instead of me"

[Minnie09]

This man sounds utterly insensitive, selfish and immature. He lies, cheats, buys you fake diamonds, and makes demands constantly (threesome and whatnot). Holy crap! He wouldn't even be divorced, if his xW would have put up with his **** some more. You are his default choice, and he even treats you that way. Love at first sight? Really? This thread proves that it either doesn't exist, or that it's just a worthless emotion. I'm sorry, but you deserve better.

[baffled75]

Is there a any guidelines on which flowers to send?

[baffled75]

Yes. Cause and effect. Your choices alone have lead you here.

 

So you probably shouldn't expect much sympathy.

 

 

Not expecting any sympathy at all. Only verification I'm not going crazy or "reading to much into it"!