How Long 'No Contact' ?

[JohnDoe1234]

It has been 5 weeks since my relationship with my gf ended. The relationship only lasted 3 months, but it was intense, passionate and close, both emotionally and physically. I have been going through "No Contact' with her for a week now and It's been hard, since we basically kept contact before that and even chatted every now and then.

However, it became more painful for me to let go. Anything she said or did would affect me greatly, for example, if I saw her chatting and flirting (she's an affectionate person) with our mutual friends (We have many), I'd be crushed. So I've decided on a 'No Contact' policy.

 

The breakup has already caused me great depression and has made me become isolated from our mutual friends, a lot of whom were my close friends before we hooked up. I feel I've lost their trust and confidence. I also feel that I will have to avoid them as well to maintain the 'No Contact' policy. Hobbies I used to share with my ex I've also avoided.

 

Am I doing anything wrong? How long should the 'No Contact' last? I've already convinced myself that she'll never come back, so why do I still have feelings for her? When will all the pain end? Can I ever get my friends and life back?

[Arabess]

Depending on how intense the relationship was......healing can take quite awhile. It doesn't mean it hurts as bad as those first couple of months though.

 

No contact can help you get over someone. At the same time, having to avoid your mutual friends can have a negative impact and make you feel more isolated. When you feel you are ready, you should get in touch with your friends. If seeing her still upsets you, then perhaps it would be best to find a new place to hang out with your friends so she won't be there. If that isn't possible, you'll have to make the call depending on how strong you feel your heart is now.

 

You ARE in a tough situation. If I had to run into my ex and see him with someone else....I too would have problems with it and it's been over a year.

 

Test the waters carefully and if you see it's causing a great deal of stress on your heart...be prepared to leave immediately. You've come too far to have to start from the beginning.

 

Good Luck!!!!

[JohnDoe1234]

Thanks Arabess for the encouragement.

 

Yes, it was a very intense relationship for the first two months (She's 19 and I'm 24). She was the one who initiated it and she was always all over me at the start, even in public and in front of our mutual friends. She practicaly worshipped me at the start, when I was still a 'challenge' to her. Then, toward the end I could see her interest waning, perhaps also because that 'challenge' had disappeared.

 

I made the mistake of confessing that I loved her and upon hearing that, she left me, saying that she perhaps never loved me at all, that it was all just a crush. I trust her completely and have decided to accept that. This hurt me a lot because she was the one who started it, and also because I was happy being single before she came into my life, but I have had to accept that, too.

 

However, It has been so difficult to cope since the breakup. I have not been sleeping properly these past 5 weeks and everything in my room, especially my bed, reminds me of her. I'd only be able to get 1-2 hours of sleep on my bed every night, as I'd be awoken by strange voices or I'd suddenly imagine her lying beside me, like before, only to wake up sweating and realising that it was all a dream.

 

I've had many relapses since then and now it's all come back again. 5 weeks later and I still cannot sleep properly and I again woke up in a sweat last night imagining her beside me. My thoughts are still constantly on her and all the 'what if's of our relationship. No Contact has been hard, but I know that she will respond to this by not contacting me either, which I'm prepared to face. I just hope she understands my reason for No Contact. How do I cure myself of such an obsession over her?

 

My studies have also been adversely affected as exams are approaching. I've tried talking to many people, but I realise that it all boils down to my own will power. I've set myself a blind date in two weeks' time but am concerned that it may be all too soon. Is it too soon? My heart aches still, and so deeply too. I just need some advice on how to cope and how to move on. Thanks everyone.

[Arabess]

5 weeks isn't very long to get over a breakup. Dating someone else may cause you to miss her more or it may bring you a great diversion. You won't know until you try and see how your feel during and afterwards.

 

Breakups DO disrupt your whole life and screw you up emotionally for awhile. Each person has their own needed time frame to get on with their lives. Usually the people where it seems to take forever are the ones who are still believing or wanting their ex to come back to them.

 

I CAN promise you it gets better. Just one day you will wake up and feel normal again.

[JohnDoe1234]

Yes, that's true. I must get the hope of her ever coming back to me out of my head. But even though my mind tells me not to think of her anymore, my heart still aches. I can't help but think of the good times we had together. But I feel that dating someone else may provide the distraction which I need to forget about the past.

My studies aren't providing the distraction that I had hoped they would, and a lack of concentration is becoming very evident and harmful toward my studies.

 

I know I must keep this 'no contact' policy going as long as possible, but at the back of my head I fear that she will totally forget about me and may not even remember me the next time we meet up, which may be months or years from now. Am I being paranoid?

[tom_gbr]

i know eaxactly what your going through mate.....im approaching two months of being apart from my first love..we were together six months....she finished it with me two weeks after i took her to disneyland paris for valentines day weekend.

 

i was the same as you for the first month.....i couldnt sleep and the little sleep i would get i would wake up expecting her to be lying beside me...i fell behind in my work and became ill....i managed to talk to my lecturers and get extensions on all my projects.

 

i would be constantly thinking about her and what she was up to and what she was thinking.

 

i am now on the second month of being apart from her and contact over the last couple of weeks has been next to nothing...i am going to phone her wednesday to find out how she is and how her easter was.

 

i am still constantly thinking about her and of how much i love and miss her but im trying to put her to the back of my mind....i know i can find someone who loves me as much...and even more than she did but i really dont want someone else right now.

 

try and take every day at a time...dont think about tommorow just think about the day that you are living. get some exercise....im lifting weights for an hour a day.....i may not always feel great afterwards but atleast im looking better than i ever have before.

 

get a new job or something...try something new...i got a bar job so thats cool

 

mate i know what your going through believe me....my ex was so amazingly gorgeous and funny and clever...it was like i didnt want to live when she finished it.....i never want to feel pain like i did when it happened...i just wanted to die.

 

now i feel like im improving....i know there is someone else out there for me...as i said before just take one day at a time...dont think ahead

 

hope this helps.....this is the first time that ive tried to give advice on here so i hope it helped

[JohnDoe1234]

Thanks tom_gbr, it helped a lot. It helps to know that other people have gone through what I'm going through.

 

I, too, felt that my ex was gorgeous, attractive, sexy, smart, radiant and confident. And I literally felt like dying when she ended it (In fact I did some pretty dumb things which I shan't go into detail here). I must convince myself that there is someone better out there, after all I wouldn't want to waste my love on someone who doesn't love me. That in itself can be more hurtful than a breakup.

 

I must say that since I was the dumper in my previous relationship I can understand what she's going through, but yet it's extremely hard to accept as it always is for the dumpee. Toward the end I could even tell that her love for me had gone. Currently I just cannot bear to have any contact with her at all - it's just too painful when I still have feelings for her.

 

I shall take up your advice and take every hour at a time and maybe do some exercising even. I don't think I have the time to take up something new currently but will try when an opportunity comes up.

Unfortunately I've had so many relapses lately that it's been bothering me a lot. I'm currently hovering between depressed and extremely depressed states with no end in sight. Hopefully all of this will end soon.

 

Thank you everyone for your kind comments, empathy and encouragement. I appreciate it a lot.