Big step backwards

[Net Jedi]

For some background info here's my story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t279283/. So to make a long story short I NC'd her after our last meet up for 3 days when my ex ended up coming over after a heated phone convo where she demanded answers from me to "help her from pushing someone else away in the future". Being that she dumped me and had more than a few opportunities to ask questions I told her that this is something that she needs to figure out in the future. After I hung up on her and didn't answer her calls she came over later that night and apologized for acting the way she did and explained that she was having a bad week. We ended up sleeping together. Obviously this was a fairly big mistake and is mostly my fault. The most damaging parts aren't our physical interaction but some of the things she said and how I reacted. She had told me that I'm her best friend and that she loved me. Those 2 things alone messed with my head more than just about anything else. At the end the one thing that bothered me the most was that she thanked me for making her feel wanted . She has a very important event coming up and I wasn't originally planning on contacting her at all but now I am having a problem with what I should do. I want to NC her but I also have some things I'd like to say to her. I have no clue which way to go from here. I feel fairly used right now but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of letting her know how much this affected me. I still care about her a great deal and even though a part of me still wants to be with her I know that this isn't going to lead to anything productive. If anyone has any advice or similar situation I would love to hear how you handled it or how it turned out. Thanks LS for everything.

[TearyEyedPride]

Ugh. I've never been in this type of situation but I can feel your anguish...

 

Forgive the disgustingness, but you know how sometimes you feel better after you vomit? I think right now... your feelings are like that hot spew you're trying to contain. I'm huge on communication, and it's very essential to effectively communicate. I think since you've opened that door already, you need to go ahead and throw up those feelings, rid yourself of that disgusting feeling, get them out, and go NC with a serious vengeance. You need time to heal...

[Net Jedi]

Thanks for the response! It's been 6 days since that night and I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do. I have already written the email telling her that she basically used me and that I refuse to be her shoulder to cry on anymore. I know that she was feeling pretty good after she left but I don't want to come off as petty since I was culpable in this as well. I'm still trying to decide if staying NC or sending her the email is best. I really feel stupid for putting myself in this position and am basically lost as to what my next step should be.

[wilsonx]

stay nc, if you wrote the email send it to yourself and read it.

 

its going to mean nothing to her, just leave it alone.

[Net Jedi]

You're probably right. It's just so hard thinking how good she must feel right now since she got me build her up again. I know it is probably bad to say but I found it somewhat refreshing to see her realize that I was the only one that actually gave a crap about her and what she was doing. I actually now wish I would have just ignored her text and not contacted her at all. She left me all alone and now I want her to feel the same way I did. I know that I have to get past that but it's been so hard to overcome.

[wilsonx]

if you want her to feel the pain that she caused you listen up... its really simple...

 

Make yourself a better person from the breakup, do something you have always wanted to do that she refused.

 

 

• I want to go skydiving, guess what Im going to do in 3 weeks?
  
• I'm going to finish my CCNA and get a job that pays 50k range compared to the crap salary I have now
  
• I'm going to find someone that is more mature and respects me for me and does not want change who I am and treats me 100xs better then my ex ever did
  
• I am going to show her that I can be more happy without her in my life then when she was in my life (You want to know how I do this, just ignore them for ever). It will eat her alive. You do not believe me, 2 1/2 years after her last ex boyfriend broke up with her, shes still angry that he has moved on with his life and shes not happy because he never came back. I am not going to come back.
  

For the longest time, past 2-3 weeks, I was hoping she would come back but you know what? After a full week of no contact, and my TRUE FRIEND support system that I have that consists of people I have known for longer then her, I realized that she was worthless. She can have her whatever she chooses except me.

 

This is going to be her biggest mistake of her lifetime and guess what? I do not care anymore. Her breaking up with me was the BEST THING that could have ever happened to me

[Net Jedi]

if you want her to feel the pain that she caused you listen up... its really simple...

 

Make yourself a better person from the breakup, do something you have always wanted to do that she refused.

 

 

• I want to go skydiving, guess what Im going to do in 3 weeks?
  
• I'm going to finish my CCNA and get a job that pays 50k range compared to the crap salary I have now
  
• I'm going to find someone that is more mature and respects me for me and does not want change who I am and treats me 100xs better then my ex ever did
  
• I am going to show her that I can be more happy without her in my life then when she was in my life (You want to know how I do this, just ignore them for ever). It will eat her alive. You do not believe me, 2 1/2 years after her last ex boyfriend broke up with her, shes still angry that he has moved on with his life and shes not happy because he never came back. I am not going to come back.
  

For the longest time, past 2-3 weeks, I was hoping she would come back but you know what? After a full week of no contact, and my TRUE FRIEND support system that I have that consists of people I have known for longer then her, I realized that she was worthless. She can have her whatever she chooses except me.

 

This is going to be her biggest mistake of her lifetime and guess what? I do not care anymore. Her breaking up with me was the BEST THING that could have ever happened to me

 

I know that you're so right on and I have been trying to get out there and do those things. It's funny you mention the skydiving thing. I went skydiving the day she left town. It was an amazing experience but to be honest I'm a little worried. I was totally energized but when it wore off I just felt like I was right back to square one. It was almost like eating a candy bar. You feel good for a little bit but it really didn't fulfill you. I just hope that doing these things don't become candy bars that only make me feel good for the moment.

[Net Jedi]

Today was a rough day. Seriously contemplated breaking NC. My ex's mom called yesterday but didn't leave a message. I didn't call back but I was seriously tempted to call back to see what was going on. I know that I have to stay strong but it's been 8 days NC and I'm really struggling. Thanks Wilsonx for the advice. I know that you're right about all of this, I know that if I just keep pushing forward I'm going to be better off in the long run. I'm just going to have to take this one day at a time.

[Rory12345]

Net Jedi,

 

I had things to say to my ex, said them and then that left me with more things to say. You'll just keep thinking of things to say, so just don't say anything at all. Keep NC and you'll be good. Every day you are in it makes it that little easier!

 

I know it's difficult but you have LS here to post all you want. Do what you want to. Get a new hobbie.

 

Look after yourself.

 

Regards,

 

Rory

[Net Jedi]

Rory, You're totally right. Every time I I've broken NC or she has it's just led to more questions and more that I have to say. I know that I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I don't try to get ahold of her but I just hope that I have what it takes if she decides to contact me. I'm definitely feeling alot better today but I don't see it getting much easier anytime soon. LS is definately a great resource that I'm going to use to get me through such a trying time. Thanks again for the reply's and support.

[Net Jedi]

Day 9 is in the books. Today wasn't as good as I was hoping to be. I'm really tired and a little beat up. I went back and forth on missing and resenting my ex. Not contacting her was easy but I really had to fight the urge to check my phone constantly looking to see if texted or called. I've just been feeling so alone lately and isolated at work. I agreed to take on a full weeks worth of work to try and stay distracted. I'm kinda regretting that since I know that when I'm tired I make some bad decisions. This week isn't really looking too good but I'm definitely going to make the best of it. Wish me luck LS.

[Net Jedi]

Another day of NC down a lifetime to go. I'm pretty confused right now. I haven't been sleeping very well but my dreams haven't been about my ex. I wake up randomly but don't really know why. Of course she is the first thing I think of when I wake up but I've been having very vivid dreams about things that have nothing to do with her. I'm still feeling pretty lonely but I don't know what I can do to make myself feel better. I'm thinking of taking advantage of some counseling services that my job offers but I have to wait a couple of weeks before that's available. I really can't wait till I don't have to actively think of something other than her or what she's doing. I wish that I could stop jumping at my phone thinking it's her calling or sending that text. I know that I have to stay strong and keep on working on myself but I'm feeling somewhat beaten down at the moment but I know the sun will rise tomorrow and I will rise as well.

[Rory12345]

Netjedi,

 

When I broke up, I was the same as you. Kept looking at my phone, hoping it was my ex but you will realise that they won't be coming back. It maybe hard to take but this is how you need to look at it.

 

I still feel lonely from time to time but when I do, I say to myself "Rory, you are being silly. You are just not used to being single." After saying that, I go on a run or I watch a tv program I like or I just come on here. All I am saying is when you feel lonely do something to distract yourself, this feeling will start to go with time!

 

Regards,

 

Rory

[Net Jedi]

I'm struggling pretty bad right now. I'm having trouble sleeping and I have to admit I'm not feeling all that confident right now. Even though I'm doing everything to put her aside I'm having a serious relapse. It's been 2 weeks and I just miss her so much. I unfriended her in FB, deleted her number but I know exactly where to find her. Even though I did all that I still looked at her account and saw some of her pics. I also checked her youtube page and was a little upset. A few days after the last time I saw her she put up a new video of her training and there was some guy filming it. I didn't get a good look at him but at the end she had this huge smile on her face. I know I shouldn't care but I can't stop thinking about how stupid I feel right now. The last time I saw her I let her use me and I can't help but think how if I had just ignored her or said something the last time I saw her I could have just helped myself not be put through this. I feel so used and abused right now. Here I am struggling just to get by and she can smile and feel so great after using me to get through this. I just wish that there was some way to keep NC and still tell her how I feel right now. I've been on the brink of just showing up at her house and telling her exactly what's been going on with me but I guess I have to keep NC for my own sanity. Pleas LS help me out I'm really hurting.