I learned that I'm abusive too late

[Badaboom]

My gf left me 3 weeks ago because she said I'm manipulative, and that I was causing her emotional stress. I never realized it but I am. She said she doesn't want anything to do with me.

 

I honestly would have made every effort to correct my behavior if I had knew earlier. For some reason, abusers don't understand how harmful their actions are unless someone show it to them or when it's too late. I feel terrible about what I've did. I have heard stories of abuser, but I never knew that I was one of them.

 

Basically, I threatened her that I would suicide whenever things went south. I have no idea why I did it. Something inside me just takes over. I know it's not an excuse, it's my fault. I am to blame. I am so ashamed of what I did whenever I think back on it. I know I sound evil. You guys are probably thinking that I deserve this. I don't disagree.

 

On top of that, the following two weeks after the break up. I'm guilty of spamming her with non-sense emails and texts. She ignores everything of course.

 

Now I have fully examined myself, I want to apologize to her, but I know she probably already screened all of my communication methods. I really screwed up. I just lost the love of my life, and I can't even explain myself.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty every time I think about it, it pains me so much that I hurt her. Sometimes I think I am losing my sanity. I'm living in deep regrets. My heart is constantly aching. I can barely sleep nor eat. Did I ruin whatever chance I have with making things right with her? Or even just a chance to make amends.

 

I have been seeing a therapist regularly since then to deal with my abusive behavior. I have also been looking around for resources online on how to rid of abusiveness, but 99% of the available resources pertain to helping the victim rather the perpetrator. Does anyone know where I can get adequate information? I am so scared of myself.

 

I feel like abusiveness is an inherited behavior from childhood. I must be consistently fighting, not just at therapy, in order to reverse it. I just can't find many information about it other than the basics.

Edited June 20, 2011 by Badaboom
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