Moose Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 Ok, I have another question for you guys that I need some opinions on. As most of you know, we have 5 kids, all with their own chores to share around the house. When the chores are actualy done, the place doesn't look too bad at all. Of course the wife helps out, Laundry, Dishes, etc....But on the weekends it seems that it all goes to you know where in a hand basket. First, all the kids are home from school and yes it's hard to keep anything clean....but in my mind, if she would crack down on them and insist they clean after themselves, and be consistant with it...then our house should be clean all the time. I know that when I grew up.....also with a large family mind you, if we left anything on the floor or a mess from getting a drink on the counter, we'd get our butts kicked, so to avoid that we'd keep things clean and our house was spotless 98% of the time. I know you 're gonna ask where I am on the weekends.....most of the time I'm out on an extra job or outside doing yardwork, which she never helps out there either, as a matter of fact, she came outside, with the house totally trashed and sat there watching me bust my behind getting things done. I even asked her why she wasn't helping and she says, " I am, I'm supervising", then later that evening there were kool aid stains on the bar and the living room was trashed....I asked what the deal was and she says, "That's your kids for ya!". Again that kinda upset me. I guess I don't understand how anyone can watch someone bust their behind and sit in a trashed house and not lift a finger or at least tell the kids to do their chores.....I can't stand a trashed house and I don't mind doing the outside chores myself, unless she's doing nothing at all but standing there watching when she could be helping....I did say something to her about it and she came back with, " If you expect the house to be spotless 24/7 with 7 people living here, you're crazy!!" I of course came back with, "As long as you sit there and do nothing about it without helping out once in a while, you're right!!" Again, in my mind, We have 7 people living there, right? That to me just means that there are plenty of people to keep the place spotless 24/7....and of course she threw, "do you clean up all of your messes?" so I asked her to find a mess anywhere in the house that I left and I'll agree with you. She couldn't....I have been trained as a child, you make a mess, you clean it up..... So am I wrong to insist that the house be kept up 24/7? That if she's not busy and I'm outside doing yardwork, should she stand there and watch or help? Let me know what you think!!!!
CurlyIam Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 You forgot to mention the age of your children.... Just to help us be impartial before all those women see your thread and start "kicking" your a$$ for being unreasonable.
Author Moose Posted April 19, 2004 Author Posted April 19, 2004 Curly, Whew!!! You're right!!!! The oldest and the laziest is 16, the youngest and the most eager to help is 6. The in between are usually pretty good especially the 14 year old when it comes to outside work....Thank Curly......That is a very good point!!! Dennis
Arabess Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 I'm a neat freak Moose. If I was married to a woman who didn't clean up the house while I was at work all day....I'd hire a maid and only give her whatever was left over. She could either do her portion of the work as a family or she would be without funds. My kids make a mess too. I have Thursday night inspection of their rooms. I make a list of anything they've overlooked and they have until Friday to correct it or they are on retriction all weekend. I do tell them in advance if I'm just looking in the door or if I will also look under beds or in closets. They are also required to keep their own hall and bathroom clean. If they find they are having a hard time keeping up with any particular area....we discuss what can be done to make it easier. I installed extra shelves in my son's closet because of that. I'll work WITH them, but they are going to do their part. I expect a person I support to respect what I purchase enough for them to take care of it. If they don't, they don't get anything. I have to work too hard for my money.
yes Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 Keep in mind that people have different mess-tolerance levels. I prefer things to be neat, too, but i don't care abt keeping it spotless 98% of the time - I slack during the week, then clean up on Sunday (so all in all, spotlessness only lasts 2-3 days a week!). Could there be a compromise? You accept a lil more mess, she cleans up a bit more? -yes
Fedup&givingup Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 Wow! I can see why you would be frustrated. Being the neat and clean freak that I am, I couldn't stand that either. I am CONSTANTLY picking battles with my 9 year old. He's got a playroom, and I'm even picky about that. Reason being, is I was raised and taught to take care of my things, plain and simple. I had to LAUGH though when you said your wife was supervising..I too feel that way here as well, especially when my husband does the yard. OK, I'm going to rant about that for a bit. True, he works his a$$ off...works LOTS of hours, and he is in the process of starting his own business, BUT he will try to laze out of doing the yard to my "liking". I like it edged and manicured, BUT he has a nice, clean home that he comes home to, and I make nice home cooked meals. So, what you are griping about Moose is totally understandable and justifiable. It has to do with compatibility and communication. TALK to your wife and tell her how upsetting it is, and that you feel that she needs to enforce the kids...you are DEAD on with making sure there is consistency with them. P.S. I have been cleaning my plantation blinds in between posts today
Fedup&givingup Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 Ok, I've just thought of something else.... Up until recently, my husband said he's never seen anyone clean the way I do...well, who else has he been around, but his mother. One time while at her house (yes, this is a MIL rant!), my husband was complimenting me, saying how hard I work all day, but then I come home, and I cook great meals, and I keep the house spotless. My MIL then looks at me, and she says, "You have a problem, Dear, you need a pill." Boy, did that chap my ass! I didn't say anything, but I felt like saying, "Which pill would that be? The one you take that makes you lazy and ignorant?" Anyway, now my husband has learned to really appreciate the home I've made for him...too bad for him when I leave!
HokeyReligions Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 Does she do any work during the day when you are at your job? Does she work at a job outside of the home? Are the kids both of yours - or are they yours? (I don't remember) If they are her step-children it could be problematic for her to direct them. Do the kids have plenty of time for their own sports and social activities? Does she drive them around? Do the marketing? Has she cleaned up the house once during the day, but by the time you get home its trashed again? Is your definition of trashed the same as hers? My husband does not see a room the same way I see it. He thinks it will look just perfect and I think it is filthy. As long as the dust on the surfaces is even he doesn't see that its an inch thick! He only sees it if someone ran a finger through it, and then he ignores it. He is blind to spider webs, ceiling fan dirt, and rolling balls of dog hair! He will clean the outside surfaces in the kitchen, but he never opens the microwave door to clean inside, etc. Have you discussed what your views of clean/trashed are with your wife and with your kids? It is not right for one person to sit around and do nothing all the time when the other person is working. But before you start a fight about it, talk about it and find some common ground and make a plan. I used to be a clean freak and spent most of my weekend and evenings doing housework. Now, I don't care anymore. I dust once or twice a month and I may vacuum the same way. I haven't washed down the shower stall in a couple of months, but I do clean the commode. Dirt doesn't bother me anymore. It used to, but not now. I didn't do the housework this weekend because we decided to go out to a home show and when we got back I just didn't feel like it. I like a clean house too, but it's secondary to me now. I keep saran wrap on the top of my fridge so I don't have to always wash it - I can just lift the saran wrap and throw it out and put down another sheet of it and I haven't done that in nearly a year! That saran wrap is pretty dusty up there now!
Author Moose Posted April 19, 2004 Author Posted April 19, 2004 Fedup, Dang it g/f, the more posts I read of yours......well, you know.....I can't see how anyone could drive you to give up....what an idiot!! Any ways, Arabass, I could easily hire a maid, but since my wife doesn't work, I see no reason whatsoever why she couldn't keep things clean and organized. I have cleaned the entire house on numerous occasions to just suprise her.....It's a fairly big house, but even just taking my time and a couple breaks here and there I can clean the ENTIRE house in about 3 hours, dishes and all, ( I'm banned from the laundry room, another story for another time ), so why should I hire someone when i can do it that easily? I don't know what you mean by , "I would hire a maid and only give her whatever was left over"......I don't give her an allowance or anything like that...if that's what you mean. If she wants something, I buy it for her.
Author Moose Posted April 19, 2004 Author Posted April 19, 2004 Hokey, All five children are ours, the activities they have are usually so far and between that my wife isn't driving them all over creation. She doesn't work outside of the home at all, ( Hasn't since we married 16 years ago ). She does the marketing and is scheduled to do so twice a week, ( That's how I have it budgeted ), and yes, she cleans the house once and by the time I get home it is trashed again. It is obvious that our definition of trashed differ, she is to me as your husband is to you.
Author Moose Posted April 19, 2004 Author Posted April 19, 2004 I meant she does the grocery shopping twice a month.....sorry...hehe
Fedup&givingup Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 Originally posted by HokeyReligions My husband does not see a room the same way I see it. He thinks it will look just perfect and I think it is filthy. As long as the dust on the surfaces is even he doesn't see that its an inch thick! He only sees it if someone ran a finger through it, and then he ignores it. He is blind to spider webs, ceiling fan dirt, and rolling balls of dog hair! He will clean the outside surfaces in the kitchen, but he never opens the microwave door to clean inside, etc. Have you discussed what your views of clean/trashed are with your wife and with your kids? THIS is a very good point, Hokey. At one point, my husband said (when he was NOT complimenting me, rather he was putting me down) that the only thing he felt that needed to be cleaned were the floors...well, guess what I handed over to him? The MOP and BUCKET! When I was working, I had him do the floors every week. Yes, he did the yard work too, but everything else that I did (plus work outside the home) still outweighed him by a long shot. Kept everything tidy, dusted, cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms, LAUNDRY, ironing, did all the shopping (including running errands that were his and his alone), and did ALL the cooking, plus made sure all the bills were paid. Moose, you said your wife doesn't work outside the home. Neither do I now. I've had to work around my husband's non conventional work schedule, but I've accomodated for him, for the sake of his sleep. I don't know if "lazy" is the word for your wife, but I certainly see where she can be more on top of things. Getting organized is the first thing. Seriously, have a talk with her, and try your best not to say anything that will offend or insult her. Once you put her on the defensive, it's all over!
lostforwords Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 hmmmm a married couple im good friends with have the same problem... however he usually gets pissed off at her cuz when he is cleaning he feels she needs to be as well... nevermind the fact she spent all frikking day on her days off doing laundry and washing the floor vaccuuming and catching up on the house work that needs to be done cuz she works all week etc...... just so the kids can come home at 3:30 and mess it up again.when he gets home he starts to bark at everyone cuz hes having to clean up and he has even gone as far as creating work for he rto do just so hes not the only one doing work.... yeh... hes an ass...
fredrolin Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 My wife is a slob and I like things neat and orderly. I was raised to clean up my mess; my wife was not. I was grounded if I left a light on in an empty room. While raising her son, my wife didn't care if her son left his mess or would leave every light and TV on in an empty house (he still does this at age 23) I don't fault him for it; he doesn't know any better. He doesn't know what it's like to pay a utility bill, he never has. The other night he left an almost full gallon a milk on the counter overnight to spoil; he doesn't care, he didn't pay for it. I still try to keep things orderly even if it's a losing battle. I have to live there too. I have tried the boycott cleaning routine but it had little affect on my wife and stepson. My wife and I have an 8 year old who is turning out the same way, it's a losing battle for me.
echocrush Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 I think most men feel this way, I know my husband does... and my ex husband, and just about every man I've ever talked to. I think a lot of men want their homes to be a museum, it's always clean but no one actually lives there. I'll do what I can, but I've had to learn to overlook a lot of things for the sheer fact that I don't want to be a b***h all the time, pick this up, don't do that... I didn't become a mommy to be a warden, It's so frustrating to work so hard to get the house clean and then watch it all go to hell in a matter of a day... that's all it takes. I know it frustrates them, but the only way I can keep from being frustrated is to just let it go... I've been in homes where the wife gets up to do the dishes and the husband follows, or he takes her plate into the kitchen, they do everything together... as a team. I watch these couples and I feel the air in their home, it's different than mine. There's no blame, no "if he would just..." or "if she wouldn't" just a family taking responsibility for their life together... You say the house looks good during the week, just not on the weekends? Maybe you need to take a break during the weekend too and just focus on your family, take your wife and kids out to do things, to the park or something. If you keep them out of the house it's less likely to get trashed, maybe Saturday could be chore day where everyone workd at the same time, and sunday could just be family day... It would make me happy... I don't know about your wife, but it might work for her too.
HokeyReligions Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 Originally posted by Moose Hokey, All five children are ours, the activities they have are usually so far and between that my wife isn't driving them all over creation. She doesn't work outside of the home at all, ( Hasn't since we married 16 years ago ). She does the marketing and is scheduled to do so twice a week, ( That's how I have it budgeted ), and yes, she cleans the house once and by the time I get home it is trashed again. It is obvious that our definition of trashed differ, she is to me as your husband is to you. Hmm.... could she be bored or depressed? Maybe she needs to get out of the house more often to be stimulated and energized to want to do more around the house. I know that doesn't always make sense, but if you have ever worked in a job where you do the same things all the time, over and over again, and never finish a project then you know how easy it is to be hypnotised by its very dullness and that can (and often does) lead to procrastination and then to just not caring. If you work in a job where you have the satisfaction of seeing a project completed and being able to move on to something new you know how much more stimulating it is. Maybe your wife needs some changes in her own life to get motivated, and then doing the routine things each day become easier. Sometimes boredom and depression will sour further and turn to anger and resentment and the person will never really even know why. Maybe if your wife works part-time or does some volunteer work or something, it will help stimulate her mentally and emotionally. Also, maybe she should see a doctor and be checked for depression. I have thrown up my hands in despair on numerous occasions when I've cleaned and cleaned only to have someone come through the room like a tornado and mess it up again. (I've also been known to dump a bucket of mud on one of the kids that tracked mud in and was in too big a hurry to stop and clean up after themselves and I'm talking about the kid I married and walking up behind him while he was watching TV and dumping the mud all over him! [thank goodness for leather sofas] and then walking out the front door to do something for myself!) Sometimes the battle with the spouse is more envigorating than the battle with the dirt and we all have to choose our battles! ------------------------ If that doesn't work, I say lets introduce her to my husband and I'll come clean your house and take care of your kids and whatever else you want, just so I don't have to worry about working anymore! LOL! I'll even leave my mother with my husband and your wife!
fredrolin Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 yes, I go alittle nuts if I spend too much time in the house. I can actually feel the stress leave my body as I drive away!! Yes the fact that your wife is stuck home all day could be part of the problem. Cleaning has become a losing battle for her and hey to her, if she doesn't clean today she will do it next week, who cares.
echocrush Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 Too much time in the house! Yes! I've noticed that more stay at home moms seem to have a hard time keeping the house clean than moms who work outside the home... I noticed from the other posts that my slob is showing through. So yes I admit it, I am a slob... But that's just it, whether the house is clean or dirty to me, it's the same... It's the same house, the same walls I stare at every day, the same dishes to d over and over, the same laundry that piles up... The only time I really see it in another light is when someone comes over and I see that look on their face... It's awful, and then I am inspired to make a change... but being stuck in the house has me so desensitized that I guess i don't always notice it as much until someone else does...
tac719 Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 She may have become resentful of what she feels are things you require her to do. Kinda like you are giving orders to her. This is where communication comes in. A sit down where both of you can explain how things make each of feel without any blame. I could be wrong, but from her response to you about supervising it makes me think she has become resentful for some reason. I am a neat freak too, but have learned not to push things to much, since everybodies standards are a little different. Then again she may prefer you to feed her in bed. LAZY Fedup, I like your style. Take no bull.
NotNeat Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 Just because YOU want it clean, and YOU bust your butt, and YOU were raised to be neat, doesn't mean that the whole world has to conform to what YOU want! My husband nags me to death if I leave a glass on the coffee table! I get so irritated; I lived with my mom nagging me to clean up for 20 years, and now that I'm an adult, IF I WANT TO LEAVE A MESS, I WILL!!! If he doesn't like it, then HE should clean it up. It might not have occured to you, but raising kids is a 24/7 job...whereas your job is only 9-5. It is not fair to expect her to make her kids clean up 24/7...kids need to be messy sometimes, and wives need to relax once in a while. Wouldn't you be agrivated if you were tired and didn't feel like cleaning up, and she was nagging you to death to make the place "spotless"? Just because YOU want to do yard work, doesn't mean that she does...she wants to tan on the front porch. Give her a break! She's an adult mother of 5 kids! She keeps the home neat through the week, can she not at least have weekends off????? P.S. You are an ADULT. If you don't like the way something looks in your house, CHANGE IT....meaning if you don't like kook aid on the kitchen couter CLEAN IT UP. Don't be a control freak!
Author Moose Posted April 19, 2004 Author Posted April 19, 2004 Not Neat, Wow!!! I love constructive critizism!!! Only, it sounded like to me you were chewin' me out!!. If my wife were like you I'd throw her out on her arse!! No offense....but it sounds to me that you seem to wear the pants in your family and I feel for your husband!! Yes I am an adult, who works hard and has never had anything handed to him. All my life my parents said I'd never amount to anything and now I have my own business, house, cars, boats and I expect the people that I share that with to take care of it as if they earned it themselves!!! When you have a family, everyone contributes to it's failure or success. Let me ask you this, if you had a cabin on the lake and you let your friends stay in it over the weekend and you come back a month later to find it in shambles, how would you react? As far as raising the kids, being a 24/7 job, this may be true, but, she's not doing it herself......hello!!!! Who am I??? Anyone on this Forum can tell you that I treat my wife and kids with the upmost respect and if she feels she needs a break and even wants to get out for the entire weekend, I wouldn't only let her, I'd give her a few dead presidents, pat her on her butt, and insist that she has fun....PLUS she WILL come home to CLEAN HOUSE!! I definitley am not a lazy person, when I see a mess and I'm nearby, I will clean it up, I just don't think it's too much to ask for the house to be clean, not only when I come home, but all the time. As for you, go ahead and live in a mess, my family WILL NOT!!
Fedup&givingup Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 Originally posted by NotNeat Just because YOU want it clean, and YOU bust your butt, and YOU were raised to be neat, doesn't mean that the whole world has to conform to what YOU want! My husband nags me to death if I leave a glass on the coffee table! I get so irritated; I lived with my mom nagging me to clean up for 20 years, and now that I'm an adult, IF I WANT TO LEAVE A MESS, I WILL!!! If he doesn't like it, then HE should clean it up. It might not have occured to you, but raising kids is a 24/7 job...whereas your job is only 9-5. It is not fair to expect her to make her kids clean up 24/7...kids need to be messy sometimes, and wives need to relax once in a while. Wouldn't you be agrivated if you were tired and didn't feel like cleaning up, and she was nagging you to death to make the place "spotless"? Just because YOU want to do yard work, doesn't mean that she does...she wants to tan on the front porch. Give her a break! She's an adult mother of 5 kids! She keeps the home neat through the week, can she not at least have weekends off????? P.S. You are an ADULT. If you don't like the way something looks in your house, CHANGE IT....meaning if you don't like kook aid on the kitchen couter CLEAN IT UP. Don't be a control freak! Whoa!!!! About a 10 on the tension scale there!
moimeme Posted April 20, 2004 Posted April 20, 2004 Something about priorities here. I always told my SO that I didn't just want 'she kept a tidy home' on my grave marker. For any less-than-neatnicks out there, try http://www.flylady.net They do sell some tools, but the main focus is the free emailer that reminds people to set up a painless cleaning system. It's headed for 200,000 members now so it's pretty darn successful.
NotNeat Posted April 20, 2004 Posted April 20, 2004 My husband is a control freak, who always downs me with comments like, "look at this pig pen," etc. I can work my butt off cleaning on my only day off during the week, and he comes home and complains that it's a mess. The only thing he does on his day off is laundry. I like a neat house, but he's such a friggin nag, that it irritates me to the point of I don't want to do anything! If I stayed home full time, then I'd keep the house spotless, but when my husband is home, it's harder to work for some reason. My mom had this problem too. She could have us kids up at 8 a.m. working and cleaning (outside and inside) but when Dad finally got home from work, suddenly she was helpless. On some of those hot summer days, we PRAYED for Dad to come home. You mentioned that your wife keeps it spotless through the week. Are you off on weekends? She may have the common woman problem of "Not being able to work when the man is around". Also, I don't work when my husband is around, because he is a nag. If I'm vaccuming, he'll tell me I missed a spot, if I'm sweeping, he'll tell me I'm not doing it right. If I'm dusting, he'll get right in my way. I'll be cleaning, and he'll come to "help" and end up bellowing orders, and I HATE THAT. There are a million reasons why your wife doesn't clean house on the weekends. How can you call her lazy if she does it during the week? I'm sorry, but your post still hits a nerve with me. Why do you assume that she should clean house every day? Are you still in the 50s?
Fedup&givingup Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by echocrush Too much time in the house! Yes! I've noticed that more stay at home moms seem to have a hard time keeping the house clean than moms who work outside the home... I've been on both ends of the spectrum. I used to work, and now I'm a stay at home Goddess (s'kiddin'!), and here's what I've noticed. When I'm at home during the day or whatever, things seem to look fine. When I've been out shopping or running errands, and I come home, you "see" things differently. So, when I worked, I knew what I wanted to walk into the following evening when I got home. That's my theory, and I'm sticking to it
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