MissBee Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Great Article! From Baggage Reclaim ------------------ 1. It’s important to remember what cheating actually involves – being dishonest in order to gain an advantage, avoiding something undesirable by luck or skill, to engage in deception and trickery, and to be fraudulent. It involves lies, omission, manipulation, and for ongoing affairs, an element of being a confidence trickster. The advantage – two relationships and much of the trappings that come with each without being committed to either. Avoiding – commitment, intimacy, responsibility – basically everything to do with an available relationship. Which brings me neatly to… 2. There’s no such thing as an honest cheat. Really. Stop thinking that it’s the situation or ‘love’ that’s made them dishonest and that under ordinary circumstances they’re a saint. They’re not being 100% honest with you and just lying to their partner. Bad enough they bull**** you but don’t bull**** yourself. They’re dishonest…even when they shag you well and make promises they have no genuine intention of delivering on. Cheaters lie to themselves – it’s how they can keep going. 3. Just because someone’s married/in a relationship doesn’t mean that they’re capable of commitment. If you’re treating the cheater like they’ve been ‘pre-approved’ and ‘vetted’ via their status, you’re only proving you know shag all about what commitment actually involves and that you like ‘titles’. Cheating = uncommitted = emotionally unavailable. 4. If they don’t have to work very hard to ‘convince’ you into an affair, you can be pretty damn sure that they won’t have to work too hard to convince you to ‘wait’, even with no genuine intention of leaving. Half heartedly saying “Oh we shouldn’t do this!” or “But you’re married!” when you’re in the process of taking their clothes off or making yourself ‘available’ for a chat and giving them a shoulder to whinge on is already communicating you’re up for it. Many people dodge Cheaters every day – they just say NO to Cheating Crack. 5. There doesn’t have to be anything ‘wrong’ with the relationship or the other person for them to cheat. Some cheat because it’s almost too good and they rebel against the relationship and play hooky. The only reason why you would think like this is because you’re likely inclined to believe that when your relationships don’t work out, it’s down to you. 6. Some rebel against the relationship/the commitment/the ‘safeness’ to feel less vulnerable and increase control. If there’s problems or they have unexpressed anger, for example to their current or past partner or parent, cheating is like rebelling and punishment letting them feel in control. If underneath they have low self-esteem and are married to/involved with what they know is a great person that loves them, they’ll be scared of living up to those expectations and will undermine that image of them to lessen the vulnerability. They may privately feel disrespect that they get that love, being irrationally angry with you (if you’re the ‘main partner’) for not seeing that they’re not worthwhile and as a result giving themselves license to cheat because of your ‘stupidity’. In turn, while they’ll initially feel better in the affair, they’ll then lose respect for the Other Woman/Guy wanting them too. 7. Some cheater’s enjoy the risk and believing they’re outwitting everyone. I mean come on now – only the most deluded of people would shag around left, right, and centre, send sextexts, rude pictures etc and actually believe that they’re not going to get caught. 8. But don’t get things twisted and believe that the ‘risk’ a cheat takes is indicative of how deep their feelings run for you and how they can’t resist you. Remember they’re cheating, so they’re managing the risk through deception at both ends and they often think they’re charming enough that should they get caught, they’ll cross that bridge when they come to it. If you’re who they’re cheating with, they think they can keep you in your place and if you’re who they’re cheating on, they think they can talk you around. Just call yourself ‘putty’. 9. You’ll notice that when a cheat says they’re going to leave, they’re never in a position to do it immediately. They’ll say they need more time, the right moment, and to get some stuff organised. They’re stalling. if they really had to leave, the affair would never have started in the first place. 10. You’ll also notice that when you tell them that it’s over, they never say “Oh OK then!” They’ll convince you to hold on, up the ante on pursuing you and Future Faking, or they’ll back off a bit and then try to slink back in when they think you’ve calmed down. 11. Be careful when you hear the magic words “You know where I am if you ever want to start up again.” They think you’re the type of person that keeps going back to the relationship crime scene. That and they’re also telling you that an affair is all that’s on offer. 12. Even though they take the piss and risk their main relationship, they’re very image conscious and so will often be more worried about their peers finding out than they would their partner. They likely think they can talk them around but they’d like to keep their public image intact. Don’t believe me? This is why super injunctions exist. I’ve heard from readers who have been threatened by the Cheater, or they’ve gone around trying to talk around their colleagues/friends/family. 13. The Cheater that slags off their partner will slag you off too. Nobody gets ‘driven’ to cheat and ‘driven’ to be a disrespectful twit. 14. If you’re who they have an affair with, you have a pretty good window into how they manage problems and intimacy – by shagging around and having an affair. There are many ways to solve problems in relationships – cheating isn’t one of them. If you’re who they’re cheating with, keep in mind that if you experience issues, you’re g 15. If you stay with a cheater, they privately and sometimes openly lose respect for you. Even though they may be like in a dog in a manger trying to stop you from being with someone else so that you remain an option, most cheaters will have your cards marked because people who know their value don’t tie themselves up with someone that’s unavailable and cheating. 16. Cheaters are scared of leaving their relationship and of letting go of the affair for fear of making a mistake. They want some guarantees, so they do neither, not realising that this is still a mistake although in their mind it’s not as great a mistake as the others that they’re avoiding. The deception is their way of minimising the opportunity for the mistake which gives them the best of both worlds. Cheaters being as lazy as they are decide even if it’s subconsciously that if the Other Woman/Guy is that great, they’ll leave and if their main partner is so fabulous, they’ll stop. As usual they dodge responsibility. 17. Sometimes people cheat as an exit strategy. They either hope they’ll get caught and if they don’t, they ‘allow’ the guilt to overwhelm them so that it gives them the excuse to end things in a big dramatic confession – sabotage! And lazy! 18. Cheaters put the Other Woman/Guy on layaway. On paper they possibly recognise that you’re a great person so by getting involved with you (and probably blowing smoke up your arse with some Future Faking and Fast Forwarding), they take you off the market and put you behind the ‘counter’ with an option to buy, which they may never exercise. Unlike TK Maxx, affairs often have no time limit, so you can languish away on the shelf while they go about their merry way, sometimes throwing a few crumbs in to top up the layaway. You catch my drift… Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Awesome Miss Bee! Love that site! Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 But I am pretty sure this was written by a woman who lost her H to an OW !! And you know this how? I would guess it's written by a woman who has wisdom and maybe has learned her lessons the hard way but of course like you it's a guess. Although not likely some happy endings do happen. Current example: Alicia Keys and Swiss Beats She got so much slack but in the end she got the happy ending that she wanted and deserved.. (how could you go against that ?) Do you know Alicia personally? You visit their house to know the ins and outs of their marriage? Also........I don't know anything as fact but Alicia denied there was any affair relationship. BTW.........sure there are happy endings but we don't read about many of them, do we? I read about a lot of heartache and pain and long lasting damage to the children and hey I should know as I'm the daughter of a father who was a serial cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Thanks for the post MissBee! Melissa: Actually I'm not a former BS and I found a LOT of truth in that article. I was at one point the OW - and NO, before you start speculating, I was never thrown under the bus, I never had sex with him, I didn't wait for him (I dated others while participating in this whole mess), and I chose to walk away. Probably because I saw a lot of the truths that were mentioned in here. Everyone has a right to their opinion and I'm totally not trying to pick on you, but do you really applaud Alicia Keys for what she did, and do you really think that she "deserved" her "happy ending" when she was cheating with a guy while his gf/wife whatever, was pregnant? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 But I am pretty sure this was written by a woman who lost her H to an OW !! Although not likely some happy endings do happen. Current example: Alicia Keys and Swiss Beats She got so much slack but in the end she got the happy ending that she wanted and deserved.. (how could you go against that ?) She got what she deserved alright a cheater who she watches like a hawk because the next young thing is around the corner. He left his wife with a new baby. Doesn't Alicia have a new baby? Better sleep with one eye open. Since you have evidence that this was written by a BS could you give me the information you got that from? Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 But I am pretty sure this was written by a woman who lost her H to an OW !! Although not likely some happy endings do happen. Current example: Alicia Keys and Swiss Beats She got so much slack but in the end she got the happy ending that she wanted and deserved.. (how could you go against that ?) Are they both dead and burried? So where is really the "happy ending" there? Why, cause they got married and had a kid? LMAO! He's done that before. Let's check back in uumm.... 2045. For now we can call it "for the time being". The "end" is not yet written. That goes for all of us. We haven't expired to call it "done deal" until then anything is possible. Nothing in life is guaranteed.Just saying... Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Do you know Alicia personally? You visit their house to know the ins and outs of their marriage? Also........I don't know anything as fact but Alicia denied there was any affair relationship. BTW.........sure there are happy endings but we don't read about many of them, do we? I read about a lot of heartache and pain and long lasting damage to the children and hey I should know as I'm the daughter of a father who was a serial cheater. Actually, she didn't have to admit it, she was exposed. His ex went on an interview and dished out how her and Alicia were buddies and she went behind her back and started sleeping with Swizz... Dramz. For some reason the whole world forgot about it, not because it was as "nothing" happened, they are more of a buzz in a certain genre & fan base. Was not going to come out on the cover of Times Mag either. If you want to talk about celebs with this so-called "Happy ending". There is always JLO & Marc Anthony. Their marriage came about from having an A. He cheated on his xW for years with JLo and she cheated on her many men with Marc. They are now "Happily" married. If walls could talk... Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Miss gorgeous Keys did admit it was a affair and if you listen to her music it is also obvious. In the end Alicia knew that Swiss Beats was meant for her and they are living a happy ending with a new baby. A lot of people did not like Alicia for this and talked a lot of crap about her. It made me like her even more than before, she is a real woman who went though a real situation and lucky for her she got what she wanted.. Remember she does have an S on her chest !! Stupid also starts with "S".... :lmao: oh and Skeletor too. Swizz sure looks like a martian. Not even for all the money in the world... Anyway, are you her conscience that you know exactly how "happy" she is? Do you know what she feels when she calls his phone and goes straight to VM? Ummm... one has to wonder. There are many things that make a person happy though. She has a successful career, is really talented, now is experiencing the joys of motherhood. For all we know, there are other factors in her life that is not all about what her "husband" does. We don't live with them to know. It could have been worse... he could have bounced with the nanny. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Actually, she didn't have to admit it, she was exposed. His ex went on an interview and dished out how her and Alicia were buddies and she went behind her back and started sleeping with Swizz... Dramz. For some reason the whole world forgot about it, not because it was as "nothing" happened, they are more of a buzz in a certain genre & fan base. Was not going to come out on the cover of Times Mag either. If you want to talk about celebs with this so-called "Happy ending". There is always JLO & Marc Anthony. Their marriage came about from having an A. He cheated on his xW for years with JLo and she cheated on her many men with Marc. They are now "Happily" married. If walls could talk... I stand corrected......lol. I remembered reading something where she denied it but well that is the normal cover up thing, isn't it? I used to think she was quite classy, now my vision is clouded. And really........no one knows if they are truly happy or not. No one really knows about anyone unless they are living it, I suppose. Jlo does have quite a history with men, she has said so herself although I don't remember her admitting the more dark pieces of the story. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 And honest cheat is like a sober drug user or a peaceful terorist. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 You are right the end is not written but Alicia seems to be the happiest she has ever been and I hope she stays this way and stays with Swiss Beats.. Her chances are probably even less then the average OW considering she is a celeb. But like I am optimistic for Alicia I am optimistic for many OW. Men get divorced every day. Divorce rates are the same as flipping a coin so with that being said if a man's chances of divorce are already heads or tails from the get go why wouldn't a attentive OW give him that extra push to end it. If I was in an unsatisfactory marriage and I honestly didn't think it would work I would leave and it would be just a tad bit easier if I had an cute OM waiting for me !! Really? Of course, sounds ideal but the crash & burn effect once in the turmoil... Does it really take "glossy" to see what is "gross". This is kid in a candy store approach. They go from the Jolly Rancher size candy to the huge lollipop in 2 nanoseconds. Pick and drop, to feel like at the end, anyway. I hear what you are saying. You see celebs (especially) doing this all the time. They drop one person and they are already on to the next... (oh that is a Swizz song too, LMAO!) I mean, who has the time to dwell on bad romance when your G5 is at the hangar taxing slowly for take off to Capri, anyway??? Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Back to the subject- There is such a thing as someone honestly cheating though... Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 You are right the end is not written but Alicia seems to be the happiest she has ever been and I hope she stays this way and stays with Swiss Beats.. Her chances are probably even less then the average OW considering she is a celeb. But like I am optimistic for Alicia I am optimistic for many OW. Men get divorced every day. Divorce rates are the same as flipping a coin so with that being said if a man's chances of divorce are already heads or tails from the get go why wouldn't a attentive OW give him that extra push to end it. If I was in an unsatisfactory marriage and I honestly didn't think it would work I would leave and it would be just a tad bit easier if I had an cute OM waiting for me !! You appear to projecting or wishing this was your life. Celebrities are just in the spot life...they live crappy lives like everyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 She got what she deserved alright a cheater who she watches like a hawk because the next young thing is around the corner. He left his wife with a new baby. Doesn't Alicia have a new baby? Better sleep with one eye open. Since you have evidence that this was written by a BS could you give me the information you got that from? Maybe someone is just a disgruntled AP who can't get their WS to commit. I see a lot in the OP that most likely rings true from what I've read here on LS. Thanks for posting! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 And honest cheat is like a sober drug user or a peaceful terorist. Amen. Amen. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 If it is honest and a couple has an open relationship then it is not cheating as far as I am concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 But I am pretty sure this was written by a woman who lost her H to an OW !! Although not likely some happy endings do happen. Current example: Alicia Keys and Swiss Beats She got so much slack but in the end she got the happy ending that she wanted and deserved.. (how could you go against that ?) Actually, I was a married man who had an affair. And I could have written it! Link to post Share on other sites
RepairMinded Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Miss gorgeous Keys did admit it was a affair and if you listen to her music it is also obvious. In the end Alicia knew that Swiss Beats was meant for her and they are living a happy ending with a new baby. A lot of people did not like Alicia for this and talked a lot of crap about her. It made me like her even more than before, she is a real woman who went though a real situation and lucky for her she got what she wanted.. Remember she does have an S on her chest !! Guess it just goes to show, sometimes you can take the girl out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the girl. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Interesting Post. LEGALLY SEPARATED - As far as news reports... he was legally separated. Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Never mind. Not worth it LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Guess it just goes to show, sometimes you can take the girl out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the girl. I take offense to this statement. What makes you think she is from the ghetto? The color of her skin? You know what never mind.....&(O*U03e. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Alicia Keys was not and is not ghetto... Alicia may have not grew up with a ton of money but she did grow up in Manhattan and that takes a lot more $$ and strength then most people have. Alicia also attended performing arts school where she graduated top of her class receiving a scholarship from Columbia University before her career blew up.. Hardly a ghetto girl !! Alicia Keys is one of the only classic trained artist that has been out for a long time ! What are you? President of her fan club? You sound like her publicist or a relative. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 What are you? President of her fan club? You sound like her publicist or a relative. Anyone with access to Google can find that type of info... Hell's Kitchen-Eh! kinda ghetto, especially back when she was born. I don't think her color of skin is the matter. She is a hip-hop/ R&B artist, not a "classical" music artist, btw. The genre is mostly "hood". And in case ya' care... http://www.rap-up.com/2009/09/26/mashondas-open-letter-to-alicia-keys/ Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I do love and admire Alicia Keys she is not my favorite celeb but very high on my list. I think she is inspirational and inspiring Ok so stick to her talent and butt out the personal life. She is not a "role model" in that dept. I wouldn't want my daughter who plays a piano just like her, go around wrecking a home for someone else and have little girls looking up to that. She is a talented artist but as a human, she has her flaws... don't we all. Praise Mother Teresa or something more truly saintly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissBee Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) But I am pretty sure this was written by a woman who lost her H to an OW !! Although not likely some happy endings do happen. Current example: Alicia Keys and Swiss Beats She got so much slack but in the end she got the happy ending that she wanted and deserved.. (how could you go against that ?) The woman who wrote it has been the OW... she's never "lost" her husband to an OW. According to a magazine interview I read with Alicia (Essence Magazine, April 2011 Issue I believe) she cleared up all that mess to say it was lies and media bullshyt and she was not having an affair with him while he was married or behind his wife's back. If your glorious affair works our for you, kudos, but my post was just a matter of info geared towards the most likely outcome and predominant scenarios versus the anomalous happy endings. Edited June 21, 2011 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
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