Got dumped twice for the same thing...

[dear]

Hello everyone, I'm new.

 

I came to these forums because I needed some help in order to become a better person. I'm currently stuck in a deep abyss of confusion and hate towards my persona. I'm in my early 20's and have only had 2 serious relationships that ended because of my verbal/emotional abuse. I've dated a lot but I guess my abusive side only came out with the relationships because of the length of the time spent with that person.

 

My first relationship had it's ups and downs and only lasted 6 months and we just stopped talking to each other. I never reflected on it because I really just stopped caring about that person. The last relationship stopped after 6 months because of my verbal abuse but we got back together and we broke up again 2 months later. After that we took our time and did not talk for about 6 months and just recently started talking again and rekindled our feelings but again it just ended because of my emotional abuse.

 

The problem is that I really do care deeply for this girl and no matter how long or how apart we may seem, I always think about her and I sincerely do miss being with her, talking to her and having her in my life everyday. You may think, "If you loved her so much, you wouldn't have treated her the way you did." right? The fact of the matter is, I didn't know what was wrong with me until I read an article on emotional abuse today which opened my eyes and made me feel very sad and hurt that I was doing this to the person I loved the most.

 

As the article portrays it to be, it's a sickness, a disease, and I admit that I have it. I wouldn't have considered myself an abuser at all because for some reason it just seemed like an automatic response trying to manipulate friends, family, and girlfriends and verbally abusing them without even knowing the damage it was causing.

 

I don't know what to do, this girl I feel is the one for me, I truly fell in love with her but after so many chances I don't know if she would take me back this time. I snapped after I asked her if she could drive an hour to come see at like 12am and she said no( I felt like she didnt care about me as much as I did about her). I just always expected her to be there for me but by yelling abusive words and telling her to F*** off and that I could do better than her was in no way a response I should have muttered.

 

I wasn't aware of this sickness I had until I sat down calmly and examined our entire relationship and my past relationship and my home situation with my siblings (which I emotionally abuse as well). All that information in the article hit me, hit me really hard and I'm scared more than anything that my actions have caused me to lose the people that I love the most.

 

The girl said that she is really done and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I had crossed the line she said. I've been trying to call her and apologize but she just picks up and hangs up. I don't know what to do. I was thinking of trying to talk to her in person (I don't know if she will come out and see me because she's so hurt and angry) by going to her house but then again that would mean I'm not respecting her boundaries and once again I will be abusive. The problem is I love this girl so much and that's a feeling i think will never change, and I still believe that she feels the same way but she is just really angry and hurt right now.

 

I want to change, now that I know what has been affecting my life I really do. I don't know why I am how I am or what happened to me in my earlier childhood that got me this way but I really want to change for myself and for everyone around me especially her.

 

Advice please! Thank you!

Edited June 21, 2011 by dear

[oldguy]

Get help, learn why and STOP it! It's a learned behavior, maybe dad was a jerk to mom, maybe it's a defense mechanism, it doesn't matter, get help now & change it for your sake and everyone else's. This is a personality quirk & you aren't going to change it by reading a self help book or a few suggestions on a forum, get help.

[Downtown]

I've dated a lot but I guess my abusive side only came out with the relationships because of the length of the time spent with that person.

Most likely, the reason your abusive side appears several months into the relationship is not only the "length of time" but also your great fear of abandonment and engulfment. Strangers, casual friends, and business associates pose no threat to you, no matter how long you know them. They cannot trigger your abandonment fear (there is no relationship to be abandoned) or your engulfment fear (there is no intimacy to cause engulfment and suffocation).

 

Even with a GF, the abuse typically will not start for several months. During your honeymoon period, those two great fears will be held at bay by your infatuation with the woman, making you feel she is perfect and poses no threat whatsoever. That can last as long as six months. Then, as the infatuation evaporates, your two fears will return. At that point, any minor infraction or comment can trigger either of those fears because -- by that time -- you have established a close relationship that can be abandoned and are experiencing intimacy that makes you feel controlled and engulfed.

[TheVSilent]

I am dealing with this same problem as we speak. I was in a relationship for 5 years and was emotionally abusive toward the only person that I viewed as "the one". I didn't realize as well what I was doing until after she packed it all in, told me it is over, she is done, blocked me from everything, and hasn't talked to me in over a month. I am seeking counceling this coming up week, the hardest part is letting go, after trying to establish communication with her, my brain started to cumble. With every non response I started to think how can she just turn me off like a light, but then it dawned on me, because of what I did to her. Girls hold this in them, and it can cause serious damage, and the only way for them to cope is to shut you off, they fear if they talk to you again it will open up the same behavior and that is exactly what they are trying to escape from.

 

I love her with all my heart, this pain is still fresh and it kills me the guilt, but we did this to ourseleves, and we have to get out of our own hole. My problem is I am seeking forgivness that I may never get, and I also won't allow forgiving myself which has me stuck in depression. This is why I am seeking counceling, maybe someone can help me before I start going down a dark road of sleeping pills everyday just to try and forget.