Jealous of ex

[christinaIUP]

Ok, I supposed that I need some advice. I am thinking that I should either suck it up and accept this, or leave the relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. The first year was really rocky, with some major issues on both of our parts. We are both over that, and have been quite happy for the last year or so. He is divorced, and has a daughter. I am 31 he is 38. Now, here is my issue. When he married his wife, he only knew her for 9 months before they got married. They weren’t married long, about 3.5 years, they had problems and he cheated on her and they divorced. The cheating was an issue to me for a while but it is something that I have talk to him about and have I have accepted this part of his past after much consideration, on my part of course. I want to say he is the nicest, caring, wonderful man that I have ever met. We get along so very well and we have a great relationship. But what I can’t get past is that we are two years in and he hasn’t mentioned anything concrete about marriage. I am jealous of his ex. I’m not jealous of who she is as a person, or anything like that. I am jealous that he was so sure about her after 9 months that he married her. I have asked him why he married her so quickly and he just tells me that “it was how he felt at the time” and that I can’t compare the two relationships and that I shouldn’t compare us to his past or my past. That he loves me and wants his future with me, and he wants kids with me, and all of that. Ok, well I am 31. I tell him that I do not want him to string me along if he has no intention of marrying me. He says that he is not. But I just can’t seem to get past this stupid jealousy. I know I am a much better person than her all around. And honestly I do know the reason he married her so early, it was because he got her pregnant 6 months in and married her 3 months later. (This was told to me by his family) he will NOT admit this. I am assuming to protect his daughter? I am being stupid here? Should I just suck it up and wait for him to decide when he is going to ask me? We do live together, I pushed him to go back to school, I cosigned on a car loan for him and I am doing whatever it takes to plan for our future together. I feel that time is just passing me by, while his ex must have been so great (yes, that’s my jealousy) that he married her right away. Am I nuts?

[OhMittens]

If he is all that you say he is, then I wouldn't worry too much. He knows he made a mistake in the past and is being cautious now and taking his time. I don't blame him, if I got married and divorced so quickly I would want to make sure before making that kind of commitment.

[PegNosePete]

what I can’t get past is that we are two years in and he hasn’t mentioned anything concrete about marriage

Did he get screwed over in the divorce (financially)?

 

I can tell you right now, as a divorced man myself, I am not planning to ever get married again. It's a mug's game. There is absolutely no reason to get married if you're a bread-winning man.

 

I am jealous that he was so sure about her after 9 months that he married her.

Well, maybe he learned from his mistake? I don't mean that you are a mistake, I mean that he learned not to get married so soon. Like you said, he only married her because she was pregnant.

(And before you even think it, NO, don't get pregnant to get him to marry you!!!)

 

Should I just suck it up and wait for him to decide when he is going to ask me?

He doesn't want to get married. That's not to say that he doesn't love you or won't commit to you; it's just that he doesn't want to be legally tied. Being divorced does make you a little jaded to the whole concept of marriage. To a divorcee it's not romantic or impulsive; it is a legal bond which may be extremely costly if it breaks down. What is the benefit of being married? I'll tell you from experience: none!

 

However if you want to have kids, I would insist that he marries you. Having kids out of wedlock doesn't have the social stigma that it used to of course, but it does have legal implications. I don't know where in the world you are but I'll give you an example form the UK. Let's say the man has a good job and owns the house (he bought it before he met the woman). The woman stays at home with 3 kids, aged 1, 3 and 4. If they split up then the man keeps the house (in his name), kicks her out and only has to pay child support. If they were married however, the likelihood is that the woman would get the house (even though it's in his name), she would get child support and spousal maintenance.

 

So I would say, if you want to stay with him then yeah, suck it up. He doesn't not want to marry you... he doesn't want to marry at all. But, if you are going to have kids, then DO insist on getting married for your protection as well as the kids..

[oldguy]

On a weekend, when you have no where else to be. Go for a long drive in the country where there is little traffic to district either of you, preferably with you driving. Then tell him about your concerns and ask him direct questions. You may even end with plans to do it again, (the drive or a date). It's just a suggestion, it might help.

[christinaIUP]

he didnt get screwed over at all. they had no assets together so there really wasnt much to seperate. I basically support him while he is going to school and working part time, sad as that sounds. But, I am happy to do it because its an investment in our future. He does talk about marrying me one day, but I just cant seem to get past this jealousy. its always a thought in the back of my mind. I cant talk to him about this anymore. He wont talk about it. He claims he is sick of hearing me talk about it, as it usually comes up during arguments. So ultimately i have to accept it and move on, which is hard.

[Finch]

You don't mention how old he was when he married the first time. If he was a lot younger he might now view that marriage as a mistake of youth and is hesitant about making the same mistake again.

I really don't see you as having a sound reason to be envious of his ex. Your relationship is not the same as his previous one, and you need to stop comparing the two. If I had been married and someone brought up that previous marriage during every argument I'd get fed up pretty fast.

If you want to get married now but he doesn't then this may not be the right relationship for you. You pushed him to go back to school, you co-signed a car loan for him. You seem to be doing an awful lot of one-sided planning. It sounds like you're anxious to tie him to you in marriage because you're feeling insecure. Not a good reason to hurry marriage along in my book. You might do better to think about how you can be happy in your own right instead of seeing marriage as the recipe for a great relationship and wonderful life.

[PegNosePete]

I'm still not really sure what you're jealous of. That she got pregnant and married him, the marriage broke down and she is now a single mum? I wouldn't be jealous of that.

 

Even if he didn't get screwed over, it probably opened his eyes to what could happen. Once you're divorced you view marriage very differently to before. You view it as romantic and a commitment and a pledge that you will stay together forever. We view it as a piece of paper with legal writing on it. Try to see it from his point of view... if you've promised you'll stay with someone til the day you die, and you didn't, would you really want to promise it again to someone else?

[christinaIUP]

Thank you Finch for the advice, this is what i needed. He was 30 when he married so he wasnt young.

 

I guess I am stupid in that I am jealous of the surety he had in her, in that he married her so quickly. He doesnt admit to me that he got married because she got pregnant. I am insecure, although I do not know why... I guess I just need to grow up and accept things how they are.

[April72]

I've been in your boat and I get what your saying. It's like even if ask you now at two years... it's going to mean less cause he asked her in 9 months. Thing is he has a kid to consider now. And I doubt he wants to put her through the pain of another divorce. Or have another child and the marriage fail. There's alot more to think about now then then. I'm not sure how men judge when it's right. But if he doesn't want it and you push it and he does it, he will resent it. And that will cause issues.

 

But for me, when I was here, I made it very plain that I wanted to get married. Why I wanted to get married. And why I thought he was the right one. And then I told him I hoped that he got around to wanting it to before I gave up. I told him I didn't want it if he didn't truly want it. I told him I would not settle for being his or any other man's life time girlfriend because no matter how much I loved him or great it was marriage and commitment are something I want and will not settle to not get. I set a time limit in my head that I felt was a reasonable amount of time and vowed to never bring it up again. I gave it three years. At the end of the three years I said I feel we are different paths and I moved on to find someone on the same path I was.

 

Of course I never lived with him because I wouldn't make that leap without a ring. So it was easier for me. I know how you feel. But maybe decide what you want and how long your willing to wait and make up your mind to give it your all and eventually if he can't get on the same page with you and you are unhappy move on.

 

As far as being jealous it's not of his ex.... it's of what he had with her in the time frame he had it. Just remember there are more factors now and you decide what time frame you can live with.