wife wants to leave me and the kids, emotional affair

[wth]

Hi all, I've been reading the forums and decided I needed some different opinions and the benefit of an outside perspective on what I'm dealing with. All help is VERY appreciated!

 

My wife and I have been married 13 years in Ky. We have 3 children, 2 girls ages 5 and 10 and a son who is 7. My son is a special needs child and is significantly disabled. He is non verbal, very violent and aggressive at times, and requires adult supervision at all times. It is very challenging but also very rewarding to care for him.

 

For the last 3 yrs I have been the stay at home parent. My wife graduated nursing school almost 4 years ago and works night shift. I had started back to school during her last year of nursing school with the intention of becoming a teacher due to the schedule and the fact it would allow one of us to always have the same schedule as our son. Due to his severe autism it is not possible to find affordable child care in our area for him, nor do we have friends or family who are willing/capable of watching him.

 

My wife and I had agreed that after she graduated she would work OT while I finished up my last year and a half of school. She was not able to do this, complaining that her job was too stressfull. We had a significant budget crunch and I began selling on Amazon and Ebay to help with the budget while scaling back my class schedule. That was two years ago, now I am no longer in school because it is impossible to juggle family, her work schedule, running an at home business, and caring for our son. In the last two years my income is actually close to what she earns as an RN, but only because I choose to sacrifice leisure time and work at night when the kids go to bed and during the school day. My wife on the other hand does very little at home to help with the house work, and hates it when I am out of town on shopping trips to buy inventory to sell because she constantly complains about the kids and how they drive her crazy.

 

As for our relationship we have had some rough times but overall the last 4 or 5 years seemed to me to be pretty good. Our individual situation is very stressfull at times but I thought we were managing ok. It is very important to note that early in our marriage I was unfaithful to her, I had an affair that lasted almost a year with a coworker. It was an on again off again kind of thing. I broke it off and went no contact with the other woman, later I confessed to her a couple years later and apologized. Since then I have been completely faithful to her and tried to earn her trust and forgiveness. The affair was 8 years ago.

 

I have tried to show her my love by my actions, becoming the primary child carer, working from home so that she only has to average a little over 2 days a week at her job, and by doing more than my share of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc around the house. Honestly I was convinced this was working as our relationship was close and loving.

 

However in the last couple months things have taken a 180. It began with her becoming increasingly distant, apathetic at home, picking fights over small things, and her drinking increased until she was getting drunk almost every night. Whenever i would confront her about her behavior she would say that I crushed her heart and she is having a hard time dealing with it. At first I just let it go and tried to maintain a positive environment. However after some time I have become very suspicious of her behavior. She changed the password on her phone, began finding excuses to leave the house, and I also noticed her text activity had skyrocketed (she is on my plan and uses one of my extra phones).

 

At this point I began to suspect she was having an affair of some sort. I found an excuse to get her password from her and looked through her text messages. I found texts with a friend at work that detailed her plan to leave after school starts in aug. so it would be easier on the kids. I also noticed that hundreds and hundreds of emails had been deleted (based on the amount reported on the bill and how many were left on her phone). I tried to confront her in a nonconfrontational way and told her that I noticed some texts on her phone that were disturbing to me, and I also asked her if she had been talking to anyone that I didn't know about. She told me I was paranoid because I was a liar, denied everything except that she had been planning on leaving and told me it was because she was miserable and that she resented me and the kids. I asked her to please consider either joint or individual counseling (or both) and told her I loved her and hoped we could work through this.

 

After some thought on the matter I was convinced that she was hiding something else from me so I installed software on my phone (that she uses) that monitors all text messages. I soon found that she is having an emotional affair with an old friend of hers, sharing intimate details of her emotions with him, lots of sexual talk and affection. I know that long ago she messed around with him sexually.

 

I confronted her about this and she denied it, tried to make me back down by literally flaying me about my sins in the past, telling me what a liar I am right to my face while denying everything saying he is just a friend. I told her I thought she was having an emotional affair with him and told her that I had seen some of her texts which were pretty damn inappropriate. Of course this only made her more angry, and of course I felt like I was about to blow up with anger. She has used this as a trump card in our arguments in the past for years and now I find myself very resentful of her.

 

I told her the next day that if she wanted to move out I wouldn't try to stop her, I didn't want her to feel trapped or controlled. However I have been paying very special attention to her communications and she severely distorts what is happening when talking to her work friends or the OM. According her I am "losing it" and she is doing nothing wrong. She has been "rewriting history" so to speak and telling an untruthfull version of what is happening to gain sympathy and support from her friends, relatives, and the OM.

 

I spoke with her sister who agreed to talk to her and try to help me find out what is going on. She told her sister that she is done with the relationship and that me finding the texts was "a bit of unfortunate timing". I know from my surveillance that she is considering taking a loan against her 401k (approx 20k) to go and get an apt, although she denies that to me. She refuses to communicate with me and just tries to snow me by saying she doesnt know what she wants, while making plans on her own time.

 

My concerns are that it is almost impossible for me to work inside the home on my amazon store when there is no one else here, so I know my income will be cut in half at least. The mortgage is in my name only, deed is in both of our names, and I know she does not plan on continuing to pay it ( she has paid it for the last 3 years). We have a car payment that is a little over 600/month that is in both our names that I have made every payment on (2 years) that she told me she wanted me to keep, while she wants to keep our other vehicle that is in my name only that is paid off. To further complicate things she is overweight and told me the other night when drunk that she is planning on getting a tummy tuck and breast augmentation procedure whether I agreed or not and that she can afford it.

 

Our finances are stretched thin as it is, we have massive debt from when we both went to school, there is no way I can pay all the bills and take care of the kids full time. I cannot imagine being able to live in an apartment with my son because he has very violent spells where he has repeatedly knocked holes in the wall, broken doors, and is very very loud at times screaming and crying. My business requires that I travel to local cities at least every couple weeks and purchase inventory and a simple trip to walmart is very difficult with my son, not sure how I could do continue selling on Amazon without some help that I don't think I can count on from her.

 

After considering all this I told her that if it was necessary for us to separate perhaps I should be the one to move out, I could continue working and provide financial support and watch the kids when she is at work. She totally flipped out and told me that it was my decision to become the full time care giver for our children and there was no way I could move out. In the past she has talked about how there is no way if one of us died that the other would be able to find another spouse because of our son and his special needs, and she is probably right.

 

So I am convinced that she is planning on leaving, dumping me with the kids while she tries out the single life while justifying her actions and not providing financial support by pointing out my past mistakes from 8 years ago. I have since told her that if she does leave that she needs to understand she might not be welcome to come back, and that I strongly encourage her to attend some type of counseling before making any rash decisions. She says counseling wouldn't work until she is in her own place.

 

I know that she cannot afford a lawyer, however her mom and sister worked with a lawyer for years and years and could probably get her legal work taken care of for her if she wants to file divorce. I have considered going to consult with this lawyer in order to keep her from being able to use him, however if I do I know that it will get back to her immediately and the situation will escalate even further.

 

 

Sorry for such a long post but I'm at my wits end here. To be honest the thought of separation itself doesn't worry me as much as the fact that I am worried about how I will be able to care for my son and daughters without losing our home, etc.

 

Your responses and opinions/advice are much appreciated!

[Mauschen]

First of all, it is not your wife's decision to not pay child support, buy out 1/2 of your equity in the house (if you have any), and help pay for the car. If she leaves, file for emergency child support, which she will be required to pay. Be sure to note that your son is disabled because she may even have to pay more for him.

 

Read Child Custody A to Z by Guy White before making any rash decisions.

 

You can always suggest mediation first, since it is usually cheaper than hiring 2 lawyers. Don't be surprised if your wife decides she wants custody of the kids once she realizes how much child support she's going to have to pay, and be sure you have all of the data to fight her on this issue (read the book above). My ex, according to my lawyer, should be required to pay $1400+ in child support a month for our 2 children. And the amount ordered by the judge will be deducted from his paycheck before he gets it. If your wife only works 2 days per week, you can tell the judge that you really expect her to work full time in order to help support the kids, and hopefully he will entered a support amount based on full time employment.

 

Good luck to you!

[wth]

thanks for the quick reply, I will definately read the book. I have made all the car payments so far and will continue as long as I can. I keep hoping this situation will go away but not sure how to proceed without escalating things between us.

I really doubt that she will want that much custody of the kids, however I am sure she will resent paying child support.

 

We don't have any equity in our house, probably about even at best.

 

My wife is scheduled 3 days a week, however she averages closer to 2 days a week due to calling in and taking holiday/vacation pay instead of working her shifts

 

I used the Ky child support calculator and it estimated 600 /month child support, which is kinda scary low

[Mauschen]

I do think the $600 seems really low. Ask the judge to base support on full time work, which she should certainly be capable of! Choosing to work only 2 days per week is not an option for most parents. She should also be at least 50% responsible for medical expenses, any daycare, etc. Many lawyers offer a free consultation, so I would gather what you have and see a few lawyers.

[bigmomma1974]

sorry to say but she sounds like a p8ss poor mother. I know i shouldnt say this but to tell you the kids get on her nerves is just over the top to me. She wants to leave and let you keep the children, in my opinion it is probably best for your children. I would let her move out file for child support and a divorce. She wants out let her get out. As for the bills she is required by law to help you pay these as of now so i guess she needs to work more hours to help take care of her Children.

I am sorry parents like her just p*ss me off. I Love my children with all my heart and reguardless of what happened between there dad and my self i would always be there and put my children first.

Also I am not sure of how things work in KY but look into seeing if your son qualifies for home health aid and if you have insurance if its covered, If so see about getting someone to come into the home to help you with your son while you work. I dont know what to tell ya about when you have to leave town. Maybe make their ,mom step up and take some responsiblity for them.

[wth]

Ok, what do you think about the idea of consulting with the lawyer that I mentioned? Her Mom worked in his office for years and years and her sister still works for him from time to time and I know that would be her legal option if she wants to proceed with divorce because the cost would be so low.

 

I guess I just don't want to be the first to get a lawyer, that is probably emotional rather than logical thinking though

[Mauschen]

You definitely should consult with any lawyer you think she might use - after your consultation with them, they will not be able to represent her. Good plan on that one. I'd also recommend consulting with a few other lawyers.

[wth]

sorry to say but she sounds like a p8ss poor mother. I know i shouldnt say this but to tell you the kids get on her nerves is just over the top to me. She wants to leave and let you keep the children, in my opinion it is probably best for your children. I would let her move out file for child support and a divorce. She wants out let her get out. As for the bills she is required by law to help you pay these as of now so i guess she needs to work more hours to help take care of her Children.

I am sorry parents like her just p*ss me off. I Love my children with all my heart and reguardless of what happened between there dad and my self i would always be there and put my children first.

Also I am not sure of how things work in KY but look into seeing if your son qualifies for home health aid and if you have insurance if its covered, If so see about getting someone to come into the home to help you with your son while you work. I dont know what to tell ya about when you have to leave town. Maybe make their ,mom step up and take some responsiblity for them.

 

Our respite care benefit was recently cancelled because I am considered a full time in home care taker, even though I run a successfull business on Amazon with sales of about 150k/yr, it is based out of our home.

 

She is not a bad person, and I know she loves the kids dearly, but lately I feel like she has turned into someone else. Our son is very difficult to care for, with issues from fecal smearing to such violent behavior he has scars on his forehead from breaking doors, tv's, walls, etc. The stress from dealing with him can just about make you feel crazy, I should have explained the situation better in the first post so as not to mislead anyone. However every now and then she will make a comment out of the blue like "it's not like you get a gold medal for dealing with all this" that just kinda shocks me. But I know she loves him and have seen her work tirelessly in the past to take care of him. That is just her way of dealing with all the stress I think.

 

 

As for her leaving I would be happy to let her go if that is what she wants, I'm just worried about her screwing me financially, and appreciate any advice or opinions from people who have dealt with separation or divorce personally

[soserious1]

First thing I'd recommend is a consult with your son's medical team, the types of problems this child is having would strain any marriage, given the info you've provided it appears to me that your child would qualify for some sort of residential care or at the very least your family would qualify for some respite care and assistance with getting some supports to help all of you cope.

[wth]

another question. We were texting last night and she told me she found an apt. I asked her how much it was and she said dont worry I can afford it. Turns out with utilities it is about $800/month. I was watching her phone remotely while discussing it with her and she told the OM that she is planning on borrowing or cashing out her 401k. I kept asking her how we could afford that next month and she wouldn't admit it, just said she could afford it month to month and hadn't thought it out that far. I told her that if she is thinking about using her 401k that I am not going to sign any release for her. She responded with a "**** you".

 

I know this is something I should ask a lawyer about but I can't see one until I can figure out if maybe my mom can come up and watch the kids for me or something, so maybe someone on here will have some advice if there is something I should do to keep her from being able to take the money out of her fund. We had planned to use that money to help pay for the kids college and to help pay off the massive student loans that we took out to go back to college.

[Steen719]

I consulted an attorney by phone and had most of my questions answered, so you might want to call an attorney today and ask that question. How far is your mother from you? Since your business is out of your home, can you consider moving to where she lives to have her help you, particularly if you get full custody?

[wth]

I consulted an attorney by phone and had most of my questions answered, so you might want to call an attorney today and ask that question. How far is your mother from you? Since your business is out of your home, can you consider moving to where she lives to have her help you, particularly if you get full custody?

 

thanks, I hadn't thought of just calling one, guess that is kinda obvious

 

unfortunately my folks are kinda flaky when it comes to being able to depend on them for anything

 

I really appreciate everyone's responses

[wth]

First thing I'd recommend is a consult with your son's medical team, the types of problems this child is having would strain any marriage, given the info you've provided it appears to me that your child would qualify for some sort of residential care or at the very least your family would qualify for some respite care and assistance with getting some supports to help all of you cope.

 

 

We have tried many different treatments and different Dr's to try and address his issues, unfortunately not all children with autism respond fully or reach the level of functioning that one might wish

 

We have talked about residential care, however I am afraid that he might be abused or mistreated. A year or two ago a teenager with special needs died in a residential care treatment near hear, supposedly drowned in the bath tub. I just can't do that unless at some point in the future I'm concerned for my own safety or my daughters safety around him.

[wth]

Another question I have is how to try to manage relations with her while she is home. Does anyone have any experience dealing with someone who is in an emotional affair, denies it, and is just incredibly difficult to get along with? My plan is just to try to show Loving contact to her in front of the kids and then after they go to bed just try to avoid confrontation.

[GorillaTheater]

Another question I have is how to try to manage relations with her while she is home. Does anyone have any experience dealing with someone who is in an emotional affair, denies it, and is just incredibly difficult to get along with? My plan is just to try to show Loving contact to her in front of the kids and then after they go to bed just try to avoid confrontation.

 

Personally, I'd advise against "Loving contact". I'd be cool, calm and cheerful ... but distant. She has essentially fired you as her emotional confidante, so let her expereince what she'll be missing. Give her an opportunity to miss you, including emotionally.

 

Protect yourself and the kids. That includes the excellent advice you reeived on consulting with the better lawyers in your area, including the one she may likely want to use. That will prevent them from being able to accept her as a client later. File on her. Wake her up and let her face reality.

 

Also, invest in a voice-activated recorder (VAR) and carry it whenever you're around her. She sounds like a good candidate to file a false domestic violence report. It's hard, but for the time being at least, this is not the woman you loved and married. You do NOT know what she may be capable of.

[wth]

Personally, I'd advise against "Loving contact". I'd be cool, calm and cheerful ... but distant. She has essentially fired you as her emotional confidante, so let her expereince what she'll be missing. Give her an opportunity to miss you, including emotionally.

 

Protect yourself and the kids. That includes the excellent advice you reeived on consulting with the better lawyers in your area, including the one she may likely want to use. That will prevent them from being able to accept her as a client later. File on her. Wake her up and let her face reality.

 

Also, invest in a voice-activated recorder (VAR) and carry it whenever you're around her. She sounds like a good candidate to file a false domestic violence report. It's hard, but for the time being at least, this is not the woman you loved and married. You do NOT know what she may be capable of.

 

 

cool, calm, cheerfull and distant. I can do that. I agree that I don't know what she is capable of, seeing her text communications for a week now has been a real eye opener

[debtman]

Ugg...what a mess...all because she wants to be selfish and think of herself with OM...

 

Well, she's doing you a favor, you don't need her. Time to start focusing on yourself, look into the relationship 180 and try to stick to that, especially while she's living there.

 

She WILL be financially responsible if she leaves you as the primary caregiver for the kids. Things WILL be tight for you, but you WILL get through it. Things will probably get worse before they get better, but try to remind yourself that this is a temporary situation, you will recover. You will learn from this and come out a better person...doesn't sound like she will.

 

Focus on what you can affect and let the rest go...This will probably be the most difficult thing you ever face but you will get past this.

 

There's been some good advice on here so far. GET TO A LAWYER SOON!! An initial consultation will answer LOTS of questions and will at least make you aware of what you're dealing with, what you have to be aware of and what you can do to make things better. If you know anyone who's gotten divorced, ask for recommendations for an attorney. Find the best divorce attorney you can for the consultation...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[soserious1]

We have tried many different treatments and different Dr's to try and address his issues, unfortunately not all children with autism respond fully or reach the level of functioning that one might wish

 

We have talked about residential care, however I am afraid that he might be abused or mistreated. A year or two ago a teenager with special needs died in a residential care treatment near hear, supposedly drowned in the bath tub. I just can't do that unless at some point in the future I'm concerned for my own safety or my daughters safety around him.

 

the problem is this, with a child as profoundly disabled as you've described your son, nobody else in the family gets any of their needs met. A child that's smashing, breaking furniture, smearing feces at age 7 would try the patience of a saint. There are good residential programs that might help him & they aren't prisons, it could give him some great help while allowing the rest of the family to regroup, recharge your energies.

 

The birth of a profoundly disabled child is the cause of many a divorce, what kind of quality of life do you think your daughter has while her brother is screaming and smashing things?

[robf1971]

Also, invest in a voice-activated recorder (VAR) and carry it whenever you're around her. She sounds like a good candidate to file a false domestic violence report. It's hard, but for the time being at least, this is not the woman you loved and married. You do NOT know what she may be capable of.

 

Top advice, also one of those nifty little webcams in the house that records direct to a web page. Just so there is evidence if anything should happen.

[wth]

thanks for all the advice everyone. I'm reading the 180 and trying to understand and implement it. I know that last night I messed up. She was off work last night and after the kids went to bed she went out and I asked her where she was going, she said to a movie. I shouldn't have asked or seemed concerned where she was going. She left the fandango movie times search on the computer and she had been looking at movie times in the zip code where the OM is, I'm sure she left it there for me to see. I went to bed before she got home, didn't want it to seem that I was waiting up on her.

[wth]

the problem is this, with a child as profoundly disabled as you've described your son, nobody else in the family gets any of their needs met. A child that's smashing, breaking furniture, smearing feces at age 7 would try the patience of a saint. There are good residential programs that might help him & they aren't prisons, it could give him some great help while allowing the rest of the family to regroup, recharge your energies.

 

The birth of a profoundly disabled child is the cause of many a divorce, what kind of quality of life do you think your daughter has while her brother is screaming and smashing things?

 

Your concerns are totally valid, and believe me I have thought about this from every angle. His situation has improved in the last 6 months to a year as we work with his Pdoc to find the right medicine cocktail and as he is making strides with his speech therapy to use an ipad as an alternative communication device, along with other activities that we do daily to help him have his sensory needs met.

 

starting next fall he is beginning a new program at school that will be great for him, custom tailored for kids with his needs. After a few years of basically baby sitting at school I am excited about what the future holds in this regard.

[turnera]

If you're trying to save the marriage - and frankly, I'm not sure why - your most immediate problem is the affair. You HAVE to cut off contact. The best way to do that is to tell her important people that she is committing adultery and you need their help telling her that they do not approve and that they will NOT accept this OM in their lives, if that's what she's thinking. Ask them to make it clear she will NOT be welcome to family activities with him. The best way to make an affair unpalatable is to (1) shine light on it and (2) make it too 'expensive' to continue.

 

Print out all the texts/emails you're getting and provide proof if they ask. Store a copy somewhere outside the house, in case you need it for legal reasons. Confront her, tell her you know about OM, and ask her to stop. If she refuses, then go to her important people - parents, siblings, best friends, pastor - and let them know what she's doing. Let them know what it's going to do to the family. Let them know that you are still willing to work on the marriage and get past this. Admit to them that you cheated 8 years ago and tell them that you've worked hard all this time to make up for it, to the point now that you've given up your career to support hers and to help the kids. Ask them for help.

 

Then sit back and wait. Hopefully, they'll start calling her and giving her what for. She'll be furious. She'll say 'now you've done it!' and 'I WAS going to give you another chance but now you've ruined it' and 'everyone told me that they think you're crazy and they're siding with me' (she wouldn't be upset if that was the case).

 

Just ignore her spew. Remain calm and cool and 180 and just keep repeating 'I'm trying to save our family from your actions.' Nothing more. She won't HEAR anything you say, so don't even bother. You aren't going to guilt her back into the marriage. You have to remove the aggressor (OM) and hold firm through her withdrawal of her drug (OM and the PEA chemicals going off in her brain from the affair), and just keep strong on what you want - no contact with OM for life, marriage counseling, and actual WORK on her part to fix what's wrong in your marriage.

 

At the same time, find out this man's contact information. If he's married, call his wife. If he's divorced, call his exwife and ask her for help getting contact info for his family. Call his family and tell them what he's doing. Ask them to talk to him, ask them to tell him they will NOT welcome a married woman as his partner.

 

And fwiw, a LOT is wrong in your marriage. But get the OM out of the picture first.

[debtman]

Your concerns are totally valid, and believe me I have thought about this from every angle. His situation has improved in the last 6 months to a year as we work with his Pdoc to find the right medicine cocktail and as he is making strides with his speech therapy to use an ipad as an alternative communication device, along with other activities that we do daily to help him have his sensory needs met.

 

starting next fall he is beginning a new program at school that will be great for him, custom tailored for kids with his needs. After a few years of basically baby sitting at school I am excited about what the future holds in this regard.

 

Glad to hear that things have improved with your son. Unfortunately, having his parents go through a divorce, potentially having to move, not having the same support, etc. will probably cause more problems. The absolute WORST thing about any D situation is the impact it has on the kids, but, it's not your decision, all you can do is be the rock that your kids need and let your W know that you will be fine without her and you don't need her. That will hit her like a brick to see that you are unaffected by her decisions and your happiness is not dependent on her (whether that's the case or not, you have to act that way).

 

Someday she will regret this decision and realize what a big mistake she made...and, sooner than you know, things will get better for you and life will go on...be strong...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Mauschen]

I used to work with children with autism. I think you have a very good argument in your son's case that one residence is the only option for him, and that your wife can see him at your home only. Having the inconsistency of two homes for a non-autistic child is hard enough, but can be absolutely devastating and even debilitating for a young man with autism. I would definitely get a doctor's opinion and notarized letter regarding the affects of living in 2 homes may have on your son (he could regress, become more violent, more of a danger to himself and others, etc.). That way, you can stipulate your wife have non-overnight parenting time with your son in your divorce decree.

[turnera]

It sounds to me like she doesn't even want her son. She wants to run away from all of it.