wife wants to leave me and the kids, emotional affair

[Mauschen]

I agree it sounds that way now, but once she realizes that she will have to pay child support, she may change her tune. wth still needs to be prepared to make an argument for why he should be the primary parent.

[wth]

If you're trying to save the marriage - and frankly, I'm not sure why - your most immediate problem is the affair. You HAVE to cut off contact. The best way to do that is to tell her important people that she is committing adultery and you need their help telling her that they do not approve and that they will NOT accept this OM in their lives, if that's what she's thinking. Ask them to make it clear she will NOT be welcome to family activities with him. The best way to make an affair unpalatable is to (1) shine light on it and (2) make it too 'expensive' to continue.

 

Print out all the texts/emails you're getting and provide proof if they ask. Store a copy somewhere outside the house, in case you need it for legal reasons. Confront her, tell her you know about OM, and ask her to stop. If she refuses, then go to her important people - parents, siblings, best friends, pastor - and let them know what she's doing. Let them know what it's going to do to the family. Let them know that you are still willing to work on the marriage and get past this. Admit to them that you cheated 8 years ago and tell them that you've worked hard all this time to make up for it, to the point now that you've given up your career to support hers and to help the kids. Ask them for help.

 

Then sit back and wait. Hopefully, they'll start calling her and giving her what for. She'll be furious. She'll say 'now you've done it!' and 'I WAS going to give you another chance but now you've ruined it' and 'everyone told me that they think you're crazy and they're siding with me' (she wouldn't be upset if that was the case).

 

Just ignore her spew. Remain calm and cool and 180 and just keep repeating 'I'm trying to save our family from your actions.' Nothing more. She won't HEAR anything you say, so don't even bother. You aren't going to guilt her back into the marriage. You have to remove the aggressor (OM) and hold firm through her withdrawal of her drug (OM and the PEA chemicals going off in her brain from the affair), and just keep strong on what you want - no contact with OM for life, marriage counseling, and actual WORK on her part to fix what's wrong in your marriage.

 

At the same time, find out this man's contact information. If he's married, call his wife. If he's divorced, call his exwife and ask her for help getting contact info for his family. Call his family and tell them what he's doing. Ask them to talk to him, ask them to tell him they will NOT welcome a married woman as his partner.

 

And fwiw, a LOT is wrong in your marriage. But get the OM out of the picture first.

 

I did confront her about her texts and behavior, all I got was a lot of lies, and her attacking me to try to make me back off. I called her sister and told her that she is having an emotional affair and who she was talking to. I asked her sister to talk to her and try to talk some sense to her. She of course denied it and told her sis that it was just "texting" and that she liked it and how it made her feel, and that she would never want to be with the OM, just maybe be f*** buddies when I am out of the picture. She also said that I was crazy and if I kept acting the way I am then it would end with her in an apartment (even though she was already planning this).

 

I emailed my wife a list of some of the texts that I had, heavy flirting, him asking her just to come to his house when she got off work and climb up on him, her replying about how he made her just want to run there. I thought this would snap her out of the "fog" a little, yet she said it was nothing, and she talked to all of her friends that way. I asked why she felt the need to delete the messages and hide the relationship and she just went bonkers.

 

I have considered trying to shine light on her affair with some of her friends, (all of her friends now are work friends and I don't know any of them). I know from her texts and facebook messages with them that she has seriously distorted things with her "version" of what is happening between us. I also recently found out that one of her best friends for the last 5 or 6 years recently had an affair that lasted almost a year and got pregnant, her live in boyfriend (they have lived together for years) never knew and he recently moved out and has no knowledge of her affair or even that she is pregnant with another man!

 

I guess I am trying to save the marriage, I'll admit that right now I'm confused and not sure what I think because I have lots of mixed emotions. I scheduled an apt with a counselor for next month (earliest available apt) and hopefully that will help me sort out my feelings. Outside of this board I really don't have anyone to bounce my thoughts off of right now, really appreciate all your comments and opinions!

[wth]

It sounds to me like she doesn't even want her son. She wants to run away from all of it.

 

I was thinking the same thing, that's why I suggested I move out and her stay here at the house. She was furious, her exact words were "NO! You are NOT moving out! It was YOUR decision to become the full time stay at home parent!"

 

I think she just wants out so she can have a nice quiet place of her own, then she can talk to OM as much as she wants to and when she feels like it have the kids come over and play mommy with them

[wth]

I used to work with children with autism. I think you have a very good argument in your son's case that one residence is the only option for him, and that your wife can see him at your home only. Having the inconsistency of two homes for a non-autistic child is hard enough, but can be absolutely devastating and even debilitating for a young man with autism. I would definitely get a doctor's opinion and notarized letter regarding the affects of living in 2 homes may have on your son (he could regress, become more violent, more of a danger to himself and others, etc.). That way, you can stipulate your wife have non-overnight parenting time with your son in your divorce decree.[/quote

 

Thanks, that is good advice. I will as his doc for that at his next apt in a couple months

[turnera]

Go back and reread my post.

 

It is a PLAN. That means that you follow the plan, step by step, to get the most effect for stopping an affair. Just confronting her, just calling her sister, are willy nilly attempts to swat a fly and make you look weak and needy.

 

Follow the plan, be decisive, be calm and NOT needy, and do it all. If you don't know your wife's friends, find out who they are and contact them in a calm, loving email or call of a man concerned for the changes his wife is going through. You have to make this too hot to stay in the kitchen for her. If you're not willing to do the extra work to find his contact info, track down who her friends are, contact these people, then your marriage is as good as dead, because that means that SHE is in control and you're just sitting there begging for crumbs.

 

Get the book Surviving An Affair today and find out why you need to do these things.

 

Lead your family.

[OliveOyl]

Have you tried medication for your son's violence and aggression?

 

I have an autistic son and medication has made a huge difference. We were starting to having increasingly aggressive outbursts but now he is more manageable. Still not perfect but a lot better. I HIGHLY recommend looking into this. I was opposed to medication but it basically came down to the difference between my being able to take care of him or not.

 

You've got a lot of things going on at once. Been there. Don't try to tackle it all at once. Special needs kids are a huge impact on a marriage, a high percentage don't survive. From what you've posted, your marriage is pretty much over. Your wife can't handle the stress. I'd focus on getting a livable situation for you and your kids as much as possible. Don't set it up though that your wife gets off scott-free not having to take care of the kids. If your marriage breaks up, she will need to be as responsible as you are. There is no free picnic here.

[wth]

Go back and reread my post.

 

It is a PLAN. That means that you follow the plan, step by step, to get the most effect for stopping an affair. Just confronting her, just calling her sister, are willy nilly attempts to swat a fly and make you look weak and needy.

 

Follow the plan, be decisive, be calm and NOT needy, and do it all. If you don't know your wife's friends, find out who they are and contact them in a calm, loving email or call of a man concerned for the changes his wife is going through. You have to make this too hot to stay in the kitchen for her. If you're not willing to do the extra work to find his contact info, track down who her friends are, contact these people, then your marriage is as good as dead, because that means that SHE is in control and you're just sitting there begging for crumbs.

 

Get the book Surviving An Affair today and find out why you need to do these things.

 

Lead your family.

 

You are right, I have been weak and needy so far, kinda hurts to say it but it's definitely the truth. I ordered the book today from Amazon. I know his cell phone # (it's on facebook), I'll admit I was trying to find his address when I first found out but I couldn't find it on the internet. He's divorced, I don't know who his ex wife or parents are but will try to find out.

 

Is it a bad idea to contact the OM? I haven't so far because I already want to pay him a visit, if he copped an attitude I would probably do something irrational that I might regret or would hurt me later if we divorce.

 

"lead your family" - thanks for your advice, that is exactly what I want to do

[wth]

Have you tried medication for your son's violence and aggression?

 

I have an autistic son and medication has made a huge difference. We were starting to having increasingly aggressive outbursts but now he is more manageable. Still not perfect but a lot better. I HIGHLY recommend looking into this. I was opposed to medication but it basically came down to the difference between my being able to take care of him or not.

 

You've got a lot of things going on at once. Been there. Don't try to tackle it all at once. Special needs kids are a huge impact on a marriage, a high percentage don't survive. From what you've posted, your marriage is pretty much over. Your wife can't handle the stress. I'd focus on getting a livable situation for you and your kids as much as possible. Don't set it up though that your wife gets off scott-free not having to take care of the kids. If your marriage breaks up, she will need to be as responsible as you are. There is no free picnic here.

 

We started him on meds almost 2 years ago for the exact same reason. It has helped a lot, however we are still trying to find the best combination. Currently we do risperdal 3 times a day, lamictal twice a day, and clonidine when necessary up to twice a day ( all at low doses). That combined with lots of short car rides around our neighborhood when he is having a meltdown, daily bike rides (he has a trailer wagon he rides in behind me), and daily swimming have helped a lot.

[turnera]

I don't have a problem contacting him and letting him know you're on to him and that you intend to fight the infiltrator in your marriage. Maybe even throw out he may end up being subpoenaed in a court case (if your state allows it) if he keeps pursuing this married woman. Make her more trouble than she's worth.

 

At this point, you're going to spend money due to your wife's actions. Either hiring a PI or some other form of intel to try to stop her, or hiring an attorney to get her money so you can keep taking care of HER kids. Research intel methods.

[soserious1]

Have you tried medication for your son's violence and aggression?

 

I have an autistic son and medication has made a huge difference. We were starting to having increasingly aggressive outbursts but now he is more manageable. Still not perfect but a lot better. I HIGHLY recommend looking into this. I was opposed to medication but it basically came down to the difference between my being able to take care of him or not.

 

You've got a lot of things going on at once. Been there. Don't try to tackle it all at once. Special needs kids are a huge impact on a marriage, a high percentage don't survive. From what you've posted, your marriage is pretty much over. Your wife can't handle the stress. I'd focus on getting a livable situation for you and your kids as much as possible. Don't set it up though that your wife gets off scott-free not having to take care of the kids. If your marriage breaks up, she will need to be as responsible as you are. There is no free picnic here.

 

Just want to point out here that while you can force child support to be paid, you cannot "force" the non-custodial parent to take the kids for even an hour. You can have child support adjusted in some states based on parenting time schedules but you can't force the NCP to actually physically care take.

[wth]

Ok, last night I went to a movie, just wanted a little bit of time alone out of the house to away from all the tension and stress. I can tell this whole situation is really affecting our kids because our 5 year old was sitting in my wifes lap watching the voice with her and when I said I was going out she started crying. Kids are perceptive emotionally and I'm sure she is worried about why my wife and I aren't getting along. My daughter has been very clingy to me lately, won't even let me out of her sight, like she's afraid that I will leave and won't come back.

 

While I was out her and the OM were texting and he was trying to convince her to set all my stuff out in the driveway and call the cops so that when I got home I wouldn't freak out. She refused by saying that she wants to leave and can't afford this place by herself, and that since the house is in my name I would just keep trying to control her anyway.

 

I have considered just getting a room at an extended stay or something of that nature. But after seeing my daughter balling my eyes out I know there is no way I could make my kids feel like I deserted them.

 

We are supposed to go on vacation next week. Leaving on Thurs. and returning the Sunday of the next week (about 10 days). I am hoping that the change in scenery will be helpfull, but I really don't know what to expect.

 

I am going to implement the plan that Turnera has mentioned. Should I do it before, during, or after vacation?

[turnera]

Do it TODAY!

 

And never ever ever leave the house when your wife is the one cheating. She WILL go to court and claim you abandoned your family and make you pay big time.

 

Just keep repeating 'if you want out, there's the door - but THE KIDS STAY HERE.'

 

Never EVER let her take the kids anywhere. If she tries, call the police. If she takes them anyway, sic a lawyer on her to get them back in their home.

 

You HAVE to play hardball on this, unfortunately. She is NOT herself; she is a drug addict, and you are trying to save her from herself. If she ever clears the drug out of her veins and comes to her senses, she will thank you for fighting for her. And if she doesn't, then you still did the right thing for your kids.

[turnera]

You're dreaming that the vacation will snap her to her senses. It won't. She'll either find a reason not to go so she can spend the 10 days with OM, or she will spend the entire time texting him. Trust me. Seen it in about 50 other cases just like yours, where the husband tries to 'nice' her back to the marriage, and it just gives her more room to cheat.

[wth]

Do it TODAY!

 

And never ever ever leave the house when your wife is the one cheating. She WILL go to court and claim you abandoned your family and make you pay big time.

 

Just keep repeating 'if you want out, there's the door - but THE KIDS STAY HERE.'

 

Never EVER let her take the kids anywhere. If she tries, call the police. If she takes them anyway, sic a lawyer on her to get them back in their home.

 

You HAVE to play hardball on this, unfortunately. She is NOT herself; she is a drug addict, and you are trying to save her from herself. If she ever clears the drug out of her veins and comes to her senses, she will thank you for fighting for her. And if she doesn't, then you still did the right thing for your kids.

 

I was worried that if I did it before vacation then she might stay here, in which case I don't know if I could manage our kids at the beach by myself, and I would hate to cancel the trip that they have been looking forward to for so long. I guess it's not my decision though.

[wth]

You're dreaming that the vacation will snap her to her senses. It won't. She'll either find a reason not to go so she can spend the 10 days with OM, or she will spend the entire time texting him. Trust me. Seen it in about 50 other cases just like yours, where the husband tries to 'nice' her back to the marriage, and it just gives her more room to cheat.

 

ok, I am going to contact her friends (who I don't know, she works with them) and the OM today. Can you tell me how you would approach them?

[Lisa_H]

My heart goes out to you. You have been through so much in eight years. The stress of a special needs child and the financial struggles alone is enough to cause some major marital problems.

 

My suggestion would be to act calm, cool and collected when she is home. Go on about your business like what she is doing is not bothering you in the least. If you can pull it off, you need to even act happy and relieved. Don't question her anymore about any of it. Focus on you and what YOU need to do for your children.

 

Get all your ducks in a row to protect yourself financially and just let it play out.

 

Even if your intentions are not making this marriage work - you may be surprised how she reacts when she figures out that you don't care and you know in your heart of hearts that it is going to be okay - no matter what happens.

 

You sound like a strong man and you will figure out something with your finances and caring for your children. Perhaps some in home care that you can keep an eye on and still work would be beneficial.

 

The best thing you can do for your children is keep care of yourself both emotionally and financially.

 

Keep us updated. I wish you the best.

[wth]

My heart goes out to you. You have been through so much in eight years. The stress of a special needs child and the financial struggles alone is enough to cause some major marital problems.

 

My suggestion would be to act calm, cool and collected when she is home. Go on about your business like what she is doing is not bothering you in the least. If you can pull it off, you need to even act happy and relieved. Don't question her anymore about any of it. Focus on you and what YOU need to do for your children.

 

Get all your ducks in a row to protect yourself financially and just let it play out.

 

Even if your intentions are not making this marriage work - you may be surprised how she reacts when she figures out that you don't care and you know in your heart of hearts that it is going to be okay - no matter what happens.

 

You sound like a strong man and you will figure out something with your finances and caring for your children. Perhaps some in home care that you can keep an eye on and still work would be beneficial.

 

The best thing you can do for your children is keep care of yourself both emotionally and financially.

 

Keep us updated. I wish you the best.

 

thanks, I really want things to work out. I know our marriage has some issues but my wife has been there for me in the past, encouraged me, loved me, and it's hard to put all that aside, especially considering how devastating to our children this will be. However as Turnera says she is a different person now, it's like she has had a personality transplant. She really does act like a druggie who would do anything for her next fix. Appreciate everyones input!

[turnera]

ok, I am going to contact her friends (who I don't know, she works with them) and the OM today. Can you tell me how you would approach them?

First, just calling friends will not do it - contact her family first. I don't care what you say about their relationship; she still cares what they say.

 

A simple email or phone call: This is wth, I am X's husband. I'm calling to ask for your help. X has become involved in an affair with Y and I'm trying to save our marriage and our family by helping her see that bringing another man into the picture cannot benefit anyone. I love X and I want to make her happy; but as long as she's giving her attention to Y, nothing can be solved. I'd appreciate your help in letting her know that you also believe that if you have problems in a marriage, you address the problems, rather than inviting a third person into the mix. I know you want what's best for X, and I hope you agree that this won't solve anything, but will make matters worse. I hope I can count on you to help her choose to do the right thing.

 

For OM: This is wth, X's husband. I'm calling to let you know that I intend to protect my marriage from interlopers like you and that, if you continue to commit adultery with my wife, I will take steps to make it not worth your while. I'd like to stop this now, before things get ugly. Stay away.

[turnera]

Go to marriagebuilders.com and read up on stopping an affair. It will give you better advice than I'm giving.

[OliveOyl]

Just want to point out here that while you can force child support to be paid, you cannot "force" the non-custodial parent to take the kids for even an hour. You can have child support adjusted in some states based on parenting time schedules but you can't force the NCP to actually physically care take.

Maybe you can't force, but I mean that the OP shouldn't just accept that he will have to shoulder all the burden of the children, including the special-needs child. As a parent of one myself, I can tell you that some down-time is absolutely NECESSARY. Look at all the news reports of parents acting completely irresponsibly because of not having any downtime at all. Keeping kids in cages, harming the kids, etc. etc. I know this sounds extreme but I am serious. Having some form of respite is imperative but it is also very expensive, which is why keeping the other parent involved is important.

[soserious1]

Maybe you can't force, but I mean that the OP shouldn't just accept that he will have to shoulder all the burden of the children, including the special-needs child. As a parent of one myself, I can tell you that some down-time is absolutely NECESSARY. Look at all the news reports of parents acting completely irresponsibly because of not having any downtime at all. Keeping kids in cages, harming the kids, etc. etc. I know this sounds extreme but I am serious. Having some form of respite is imperative but it is also very expensive, which is why keeping the other parent involved is important.

 

and how exactly do you propose that he do that? the judge is not going to say "Mrs X, if you don't directly care for your children 40 hours per week a bench warrant will be issued, you will be arrested & jailed for contempt of court"

 

The judge can and will order her to pay child support, depending on the laws of their state that amount might be reflective of the amount of direct parenting time she has. He can't legally force her to parent though.

 

She might well be there for her kids & be more actively involved after the divorce action is over but I wouldn't count on it in the immediate future and would base my plans in the assumption that responsibility for the kids would be mine 24/7.

[wth]

well I sent emails to her friends, contacted her close family with a call, and have tried calling the OM multiple times but of course he won't answer. Left him a voice mail and sent a couple text messages. Kept pretty much to the script that turnera wrote, thought that was a nice balance of serious intention without sounding like terroristic threatening, which most of the attempts I had made at composing a message to him was lol.

[turnera]

Good. Now remember that what happens now is completely out of your hands. YOUR job is to sit back, bite your tongue, do NOT get involved in conversations with her (fruitless), let her fume and threaten and walk out or whatever else she wants to do. You may want to get a voice-activated recorder and keep it in your pocket or nearby, in case she decides to call the cops and lie about you to get back at you.

 

She will be furious. She will follow a script:

You ruined everything.

I was GOING to choose YOU, but now you ruined it.

Everyone told me they think you're crazy.

No one believes you.

He's just a friend.

I'm calling a lawyer TODAY.

 

Stuff like that.

 

Ignore it all.

 

If anyone else calls you (doubtful), remain calm and offer to show them proof if they want it, ask again for help to get her to address the marriage without another man in the picture.

 

Also, go to the bank and make sure she can't withdraw money without your permission. Take any evidence you have and save it somewhere OUTSIDE the house; she may decide to trash the house looking for your evidence. If you haven't already, put a keylogger on her computer; she may go underground.

 

You may or may not get support from people. The main reason for exposure is for the CHEATER to know that, now, everyone knows. What was previously secret and sneaky and exciting now becomes embarrassing. Now she'll have to make a decision: move forward with the cheater and damn the consequences, or rethink seeing him again.

 

I have to warn you, once they start down the path, your odds are never good. But exposure - combined with a good 180 - is your best chance.

[debtman]

Excellent...you did what you needed to do, you got your message out...now, stick to the 180, ignore her, stick to LC and focus on making yourself happy, starting your life over and moving on!!!

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[OliveOyl]

and how exactly do you propose that he do that?

Guilt often works well.

 

They are HER children too, after all.

 

I'm saying, he needs to be very insistent that she gets some custodial time too in the parenting plan. He should be proactive about it NOW and not make assumptions that he will be 24/7 all the time. Because if he assumes it, that's what it will be. But that's a very bad arrangement when you have a special needs kid like he does.

 

Regardless of legality, I'm saying it's important to think and push for her contribution to child care up front.

 

At least every other weekend is typical for the non-custodial parent.

Edited June 24, 2011 by OliveOyl