Handling the Abuse of Another

[SensitiveTJ]

Hi everyone, I just registered so I could discuss this subject in a safe kind of environment. I feel like I have to talk about this somehow and with someone.

 

Currently, I am feeling unable to cope with the personal suffering which has been related to me by my current gf. As I have gotten to know her better, she has become comfortable telling me a lot about her life that just rocks me to the core. Basically;

 

-Her two biological parents were physically and emotionally abusive. Her father was severely depressed, her mother was/is an alcoholic. The father abandoned the family when she was around 6-7, although there is still some contact.

-In large part, she was raised by her maternal grandfather, who must have been a truly great man. She regards this person as her real father. This man died when she was 12 years old, and she misses him an incredible amount.

-When she was 13, her house burned down and she barely got out alive. She has severe PTSD related to this experience, and ended up living in another state for some time with her mother, who was abusive at this time.

-When she was 15, she was a victim of rape. Very difficult to talk about this, I don't know any details, just that it was "some guy."

-When she was 16, she was pressured into trying cocaine at a party. She was scared and couldn't leave the situation.

-She has been in very bad romantic relationships. Before me, every guy she's ever dated has cheated on her and some were physically abusive.

 

 

 

Despite all this, she is so strong and so amazing. She truly, at least from what I can tell, has made her peace with these events. She even says she wouldn't change anything that has happened to her, because it made her who she is today.

The thing is, I have never had any kind of experiences even remotely close to the horrors she has had to live through. I lived a very "boring," uneventful life with no traumas to speak of. Just listening to what she has had to live through makes me feel physically ill. I just cannot believe that one person could suffer that much and somehow make peace with it. I respect her so much, it's just something I can't wrap my mind around it.

I feel like a jerk because sometimes I want to run away and not even have to think about these things. I feel like a jerk because I wonder if I don't have the strength to relate to her and truly love her. I wonder if I could only be with someone who hasn't experienced that kind of suffering, like I just can't handle my GF's pain even though she seems to be doing well. Is there anything anyone can say about my situation? I don't want to hurt her any more than she already has been.

 

This is a very long post and I apologize.

[Downtown]

TJ, like your GF, my exW is a remarkable woman who was abused all through her childhood. She was sexually and physically abused by her own dad for many years. Such abuse early in childhood GREATLY raises one's risk of developing BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Indeed, a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 70% of those diagnosed with BPD reported having been abused or abandoned in childhood.

 

Your GF therefore may have strong BPD traits instead of PTSD traits. As I understand it, the main difference is that -- whereas BPD occurs in early childhood and interferes with her development of a self image -- PTSD usually results from a trauma occurring later in life (e.g., a rape in adolescence or a brutal wartime experience in the late teens). Because BPD interferes with the development of an integrated self image, the person's emotional development is frozen at about age four -- causing far more damaging effects than PTSD.

 

Strong BPD traits will result, for example, in the person being unable to trust anyone for an extended period -- which wrecks havoc on her attempt to form and sustain LTRs because trust is the foundation on which relationships must be built. It also results in black-white thinking, wherein the person categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad." And she will recategorize them from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor infraction or idle comment.

 

I mention all this because therapists are loath to diagnose a high functioning BPDer as having BPD even when that diagnosis is warranted. One reason is that they know that nearly all such BPDers will immediately quit therapy when given that feared diagnosis. Another reason is that they know insurance companies generally will cover little or none of the treatment costs when the diagnosis is BPD -- but they will cover it if the disorder is "diagnosed" instead as PTSD because the latter is far easier (and hence cheaper) to treat. Similarly, insurance will cover the BPD treatments if they are listed as needed for "anxiety" or "depression," two common side effects of BPD.

 

Understanding this distinction between BPD and PTSD can be extremely important to you because, whereas PTSD is usually treated with much success, this is not true for BPD. Therapist Shari Schreiber says you have a better chance flying to the moon strapped to a banana than ever seeing a BPDer stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. Moreover, even when they stay in therapy for years, they often do not do the work necessary to improve. My exW, for example, is a high functioning BPDer who did not improve even though I spent over $200,000 on her weekly sessions with six different psychologists over a period of 15 years. Sadly, although excellent BPD treatment programs are available, the vast majority of BPDers do not have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to be willing to stay in therapy.

 

I therefore strongly recommend that you take a little time to learn to spot the red flags (i.e., the traits) associated with BPD. I also suggest that you see a clinical psychologist on your own -- without your GF there -- so the psych is far more likely to speak to you candidly about your GF's issues. Of course, he cannot give you a formal official diagnosis without seeing her. Yet, based on your description of her behavior, he can say "it sounds like you are dealing with a person suffering from...." Your best defense, however, will be reading about BPD traits so you are able to spot them. Doing so is not difficult when you know what to look for. Simply stated, this is not rocket science.

 

If you would like to read an overview of what it is like to date a BPDer, I suggest you read my four posts in GreenEyedRebel's thread. They start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3398735#post3398735. If that discussion sounds familiar and rings a bell, I would be glad to try to answer any questions you have about BPD -- or point you to an online resource that can. Take care, TJ.

[betterdeal]

Your compassion and empathy are perfectly normal, and I am glad to hear from such a sensitive and kind person as yourself. Try thinking positively: those things happened in the past, so they are over now. She likes you because you are kind and sensitive.

 

My advice is you need some time and space to process the feelings of shock and sorrow you have from hearing about her past. Let her know this. And that is key - communicating. A good counsellor is a very good idea, for you as a couple, to help you guys get past the past, but also individually too.

 

By using counselling, journalling and other tools such as http://www.gettingpastyourpast.com/ you guys can put the past in the past, and so live a free and happy present.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

How old are you and your GF?

 

I can share that, having been married to someone for a decade who largely described herself as you described your GF as well as having two failed marriages herself, my data point is that a long-term prognosis is not good, not because of good or bad but because of 'different'. For us there were irreconcilable elemental incompatibilities which surfaced during life-altering events; the classic 'it either brings you closer together or tears you apart' stuff.

 

ETA, I 'handled' it with empathy, hugs, talking it out, listening and, later, counseling. The issue, uniformly, with both women was, when it came time for support and empathy from them, they had none they wished to or could give. Also, I saw a lot of the 'light switch' behaviors, almost like multiple personalities, and a disconnect between the two, like blackouts alcoholics experience where they don't remember what they said or did. Anyway, meh, wasted a lot of my time.

 

I wish you well. Myself, I'll never become emotionally attached to such a person ever again. One love affair with such a person and one marriage to a similar person have taught me that I'm incompatible with such psychology. Perhaps your path will be different. If you're young, you have many decades to learn and grow. Hopefully you'll have a happy story to tell when you get to my age.

Edited June 22, 2011 by carhill

[SensitiveTJ]

Thank you all so much for the kind words. I myself am 24 years old and my GF is 18 about to turn 19. We've only been together for a short time, around 5 months. Just by recalling what I saw from her when we were getting to know each other, I never would have guessed that she had gone through these experiences. She is a very smart, very driven person who wants to earn a law degree and raise a family. Is it possible to go through all the things she went through and come out "ok"?

And as for myself, yes I definitely need to do some exercises to let go of things that have happened in the past. I have stored-up regrets about very minor things in comparison to my GF and if she can make peace with her life, I should do the same with mine. We have discussed this issue at length and it's strange because she is the one helping me!

[SensitiveTJ]

I guess what I'm saying is I just can't comprehend how my GF is able to deal with these experiences in such a calm and peaceful way. When I learned of these things, I wanted to jump in a time machine and go back and prevent them from ever happening to someone I've grown to care about. Whereas on the other hand, she has come to accept them as simply events which made her who she is today, and has no resentment or anger about them. Basically, at the moment I seem to have more inner turmoil about this than she does, which is a very strange dynamic.

[betterdeal]

Is it possible to go through all the things she went through and come out "ok"?

 

Of course.

[Calendula]

I guess what I'm saying is I just can't comprehend how my GF is able to deal with these experiences in such a calm and peaceful way. When I learned of these things, I wanted to jump in a time machine and go back and prevent them from ever happening to someone I've grown to care about. Whereas on the other hand, she has come to accept them as simply events which made her who she is today, and has no resentment or anger about them. Basically, at the moment I seem to have more inner turmoil about this than she does, which is a very strange dynamic.

 

When it comes down to it, her only choices were to either (a) accept what happened to her as fact and move on with her life, making her life what she wanted it to be as best she could, or (b) let the events of her past dictate her future, destroy any potential she had and prevent her from even attempting to reach her goals. It sounds to me like she chose option (a), and I say good for her.

 

I think that your desire to change her past if you could reflects on your own self-acknowledged need to deal with your past. You can never go back and change things, no matter how much you might want to, no matter how bad things might have been. So, since you can't change it, what is the point of dwelling on it and letting the events of your past dictate your present and future? I say, learn from your past, but look forward towards your future, and recognize that every little thing you do in the present is what determines your path in life.

[oldguy]

Until SHE has a problem & asks for help lets concentrate on your issue with her past. Your issue is your new gf has a past that you haven't had time to adjust too yet.

 

You said; "I don't want to hurt her any more than she already has been", how do you imagine your going to hurt her.

 

One more thing I need to say, I appreciate someone reading a book & googling a problem on line but that doesn't make them a mental health expert. We are not insurance mongers who don't know what we are doing, if it comes to getting help. Sometimes BPD, for instance, is initially treated as PTSD because that is the best course of treatment to begin with particularly in adults. I spent 30 years & read more than just a book or two. Just sayin' we're not all incompetent bums;).

[Downtown]

One more thing I need to say, I appreciate someone reading a book & googling a problem on line but that doesn't make them a mental health expert.

Oldguy, who on this thread has claimed to be a mental health expert -- other than you, apparently?

We are not insurance mongers who don't know what we are doing....

Are you claiming to be a mental health expert? If so, what part of my discussion of BPD implies that you therapists are "insurance mongers who don't know what we we are doing." What I said was that -- to protect their clients -- therapists are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the true name of their disorder. For that reason, a young man looking for a good marriage candidate cannot safely assume that a woman given the "diagnosis" of PTSD will be easily treated. She may have the far more serious traits of BPD, especially if she has a history of childhood abuse and was abandoned at age 5 or 6 by her father, as is the case here.

 

Moreover, I never said you therapists "don't know what you are doing," as you mistakenly infer. On the contrary, I advised TJ to see a clinical psychologist on his own. Hence, if you are a clinical psychologist, I was trying to drum up business for you or one of your colleagues.

Sometimes BPD, for instance, is initially treated as PTSD because that is the best course of treatment to begin with particularly in adults.

Yes, when the true diagnosis is BPD, a therapist may start by treating other co-occurring symptoms such as PTSD, depression, or anxiety. But the treatment path is not at issue. I said nothing about it. Rather, I said that therapists often are loath to reveal the true diagnosis (regardless of what treatment path they take) so as to protect their clients. As I explained, most high functioning BPDers will quit therapy on hearing the true diagnosis. Moreover, insurance carriers usually claim -- falsely -- that BPD is untreatable and refuse to cover it (or cover only a small fraction of treatment costs). Further, given the terrible social stigma attached to BPD, therapists fear that putting such a diagnosis on the record may have adverse consequences on the client's current or future job prospects.

Just sayin' we're not all incompetent bums;).

Nobody on this thread said you were. If I'm mistaken, please tell us what language in this thread implies such a thing.

[betterdeal]

Both my parents were raped as children. The have 4 children and, whilst they have not been able to drag themselves out of poverty despite working hard and playing by the rules, and there has been no sexual abuse in our family. So it entirely possible to survive abuse and come out of it "ok".

[Downtown]

So it entirely possible to survive abuse and come out of it "ok".

I agree. Indeed, it's not only possible but likely. Studies have shown that most people abused in childhood do NOT develop BPD. Yet, as I noted earlier, such abuse greatly raises the risk of doing so. Moreover, if strong BPD traits do develop, it is rare for the victim to have sufficient ego strength and self awareness to stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. Hence, my message to TJ is not that his GF necessarily has such strong traits. She probably does not. But it would be prudent for him to read about BPD so as to be able to spot the traits if they occur.

 

As long as a BPDer is infatuated with her lover, these traits usually do not appear because her two great fears (engulfment and abandonment) are held at bay by the infatuation, which typically lasts up to six months. Given that TJ has been dating her for only 5 months, I would not expect strong BPD traits to be apparent yet, even if she does have them.

 

So far, TJ has mentioned only two red flags. One is that her dad completely abandoned her in early childhood and her mother abused her. This is a red flag because BPD is believed to be caused not only by abuse but also by genetics. Hence, her having two parents exhibiting emotional problems greatly raises her risk factor. The other red flag is her diagnosis of "PTSD," which may indicate she actually has PTSD or, alternatively, that the diagnosis of BPD is being withheld -- for reasons I discussed above. Moreover, because it can be difficult for a therapist to confidently distinguish between PTSD and BPD in a few 50 minute sessions, the more conservative diagnosis (PTSD) is often given as the diagnosis until the therapist has time to be more sure about the BPD.

[betterdeal]

I think TJ is upset about her past, as he has said. It's upsetting stuff to hear about, especially when it's someone you're close to affected. Processing his feelings regards that is more pertinent in my view. Whether or not she would be classified as having an ERD, he is upset by hearing about her past.

 

Feelings in impotence, sorrow, fear, loss, anger are common when we hear that a loved one has been hurt. Our subconscious has problems with tense. It can deal with present continuous, but past and future are often hard for it to distinguish. Saying it happened in the past doesn't mean we will feel it did; we may well feel it is happening or has happened in the same waking period as now.

 

He has a process akin to grieving to go through.

[BeavisMom62]

I think TJ is upset about her past, as he has said. It's upsetting stuff to hear about, especially when it's someone you're close to affected. Processing his feelings regards that is more pertinent in my view. Whether or not she would be classified as having an ERD, he is upset by hearing about her past.

 

Feelings in impotence, sorrow, fear, loss, anger are common when we hear that a loved one has been hurt. Our subconscious has problems with tense. It can deal with present continuous, but past and future are often hard for it to distinguish. Saying it happened in the past doesn't mean we will feel it did; we may well feel it is happening or has happened in the same waking period as now.

 

He has a process akin to grieving to go through.

 

That is true. While I was not abused as a child, my first husband abused me horribly. Punched, strangled, burned, kicked, thrown, you name it. I stupidly allowed it to go on for ten years. Thankfully he found a gf and left. Even though we knew it wasn't working, he wouldn't have left without someone to go to and he sure wouldn't have let ME go. I had a little bit of counseling afterwards, which helped a bit. But I truly believe I helped myself by forgetting about it. I mean, it was over and done. It was his fault, not mine. So, I let it go. I think the biggest thing that helped was painting my house. It was a rental house with that horrible flat paint that you can't clean. And there were blood stains on the walls that I couldn't clean up. But when I painted over them, it was like I was starting my life over. All fresh and clean.

 

I don't understand people who ruminate on it endlessly for years, if not their whole lives. But again, as I said, I was an adult, not a child when I was abused, so I suppose I was better equipped to get over it. Its not like I buried it or was in denial, I just had better things to think about and a child to raise. But sometimes, it will come up in conversation and I'll matter of factly mention some of the things that I went through, forgetting really how horrible it was and how terrible it must be to listen to. Then I'll see the looks on the other person's face and think "uh, oh. Maybe I shouldn't have said that".

 

It seems as if your gf, TJ has dealt with her past as well. She is to be congratulated, esp considering her age. Kudos. It seems as if she is over it as I am and it doesn't bother her anymore. She has goals, things to do, other things to think about. The past is over and she's moved on. Be happy for her, not sad. Yeah, it sucked but as she said (which I've said as well), it has made her who she is today. Abuse is a great lesson, believe me. You learn what you are made of, what you can withstand and what you will allow in your life and what you won't.

[blueskyday]

Having been in your GFs position, I can say that she has had much more time to deal with the abuse than you have. You have just learned about it. Very normal to feel the way you do. You have empathy and the ability to imagine how terrible it would feel to be treated so badly.

 

Your job is to be kind and understanding to your GF. It is up to her to heal, but you can help her greatly. Never be abusive. Don't yell and scream when you are mad. Don't dismiss her feelings, ignore her, etc. In other words, be gentle and supportive.

 

But, don't be an enabler. If she is going off the deep end about something because it's triggered her past, gently and firmly point out that she is acting from her hurt place.

 

I told my boyfriend that sometimes I feel like an anxious scared horse. When I get like that, he is to basically say "whoa, it's okay, I'm here, relax with me" while sitting next to me until my nervous system calms down.

 

Then he talks to me and says, "What happened there?" and we talk. Doing this a few times took care of the problem for me. I learned that it was safe to feel relaxed and calm for most of the time, not worrying about "when the other shoe would drop." Very common fear.

 

So I would ask her what she is scared of happening, and what she needs when she gets "triggered." Vulnerability is a scary feeling for someone who has experienced abuse because that's when we got hurt. Teach her a new experience that being vulnerable is okay. Being weak with you is okay. Too many people told me to be "strong." Wrong. I needed to be soft and scared sometimes, but safe with someone. Then I could be tough.

 

It is up to her to know that it's her issue to fix, but that you are a safe person she can learn to trust. That, in itself, is very healing.

 

Hope this helps.

Edited July 5, 2011 by blueskyday