Eighteen months, not what I expected

[weeble78]

I have a boyfriend who is wonderful. He has a sunny personality and brings out the best in me - enables me to see the world in a more positive light and enjoy life more. He is very forgiving, and very patient - I am not faultless but he always makes me feel that if I ever make mistakes, he forgives them all without holding any type of grudge.

 

I am posting because he has been out of work for three months. In the eighteen months we've been together this is the second lot of three months this has happened.

 

In the first instance, he was burned out in his sales job he'd worked at for ten years. He eventually made the decision to leave, wanting some time off over the summer to enjoy himself then thinking about getting another job. Through the three months he drank, had fun and did drugs - which slowly demotivated him and brought him down. Until the drug use was affecting me and I drew the line. Two days later he got a job.

 

Fast forward to the last three months. He was in a job where he was demoted due to uncovering some fraud within the company. The contract was due to end in a few weeks but he decided he wanted to leave. When he spoke to his boss they asked him to leave immediately. He left in shock and upset that they got rid of him that quickly.

 

In the weeks that followed, he did numerous things around the house and planned a few surprises for me. I supported him fully, hoping his shine would return. I spent the first two months helping plan things with his friends, I helped him redo his CV etc. The demotivation, however, has returned along with no more emails at work, lunches out, birthday celebrations, general romance.

 

A month ago he applied for jobseeker's allowance which was turned down. They requested that I become responsible for his bills. He had savings but has now nearly run out of them. Needless to say in the last month, I have felt concerned about our money situation (I work a nearly minimum wage job and struggle myself). He barely does any housework unless I'

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doing it with him. We were supposed to have a holiday this year which was postponed from last year because of him taking time out of work.

 

I have got angry now, and tried to talk to him last night. I'

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at a point where I want to be thinking about babies and marriage - I am 33. I want to plan a holiday. I want to feel secure where I live and be planning on settling down. I understand things have been difficult and he took a blow to his ego, and when he said he now regrets walking out of his original job, he was nearly in tears and I cuddled him and said that he never needs to look around for help as I will always be right next to him. I felt bad for saying things, but they have been going around my mind for the last few weeks and I am worried about resigning a contract for a year with our house (we rent).

 

He said he feels like I'

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bashing his pride and he has none left, and has been very down since I brought this up. I have tried speaking to him on several occasions during the last three weeks but every time ends in an argument with him storming out of the house. He also says that I say things the wrong way and am inappropriate.

 

Can anybody suggest anything practical I can do before I explode? The only things I can think of at this point are asking him to leave the house temporarily

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we can have some space or breaking up with him.

 

I'

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trying to be supportive but feel things are running away with me.

 

I've posted on here before about previous problems and have massively appreciated the support, time and kindness shown to me over the years - please help guys..

[TigerCub]

Hey Weeble,

 

I'm sorry that times are tough for you.

I've never really been in your situation, but I do believe that we all want to feel that we can depend on the person that we're with for support.

 

It seems like you're trying to be there for him, but his pride is so shot and he most likely doesn't like the idea that he's almost completey reliant on you (due to his bad decisions). I'm guessing he feels ashamed and small and very sensitive about it all.

 

I think that's why he find that you don't say things the right way.

 

I'm not sure how you talk to him, if you get emotional really quickly, if you 2 end up yelling at each other.

 

If it were me, I would just calmly open up the discussion by saying

 

"Baby, we need to talk about this issue that's causing so much stress for us. Before I begin really expressing my needs, please listen to my words and keep in mind that I'm not judging you, I'm not saying things with the intention of belittling you or nagging you, but this issues is getting so out of control that I fear if we don't get it fixed, if we don't find a solution for it together, our relationship will be at risk. I don't want that, and I'm pretty sure you don't either, so I hope we can have a calm discussion on what needs to be done"

 

and from there talk about your suggestions for him finding another job, cutting back on the drinking (if he is doing it this time around), on whatever it is you want fixed.

 

Reassure him that he is important and loved and that you're not judging him, but you need to sort all this out for the sake of your relationship.

 

You shouldn't be taking everything on yourself, both partners should be pulling their weight, but at the same time, I feel its important in a relationship to know that your SO has got your back through good or bad times.

 

Good luck to you