Married for 10 Years but have a crush on a younger woman

[miker1477]

I have been married for about 10 years and about a year ago I met a girl who I have developed a big crush since my marriage isn't where it should be and its mostly sexless. I feel like we are roomates most of the times. I need to do something but can't figure out what to do. Either stay in marriage or get out of it. And this other girl....I have a big crush on her but i don't think she knows that I can't even say anything because she knows I am married. I just keep thinking about her day and night and can't get her out of my mind. Anyone else in this kind of situation? If not, what would you do?

[Owl]

I'd end or fix the relationship I'm in before I even CONSIDERED the possibility of starting a relationship with someone else.

 

Fix or end the marriage on it's on merits (or lack thereof...I don't care which you choose). THEN see if there's possibly something between you and this other girl.

 

Only responsible course of action I can see.

[BB07]

I have been married for about 10 years and about a year ago I met a girl who I have developed a big crush since my marriage isn't where it should be and its mostly sexless. I feel like we are roomates most of the times. I need to do something but can't figure out what to do. Either stay in marriage or get out of it. And this other girl....I have a big crush on her but i don't think she knows that I can't even say anything because she knows I am married. I just keep thinking about her day and night and can't get her out of my mind. Anyone else in this kind of situation? If not, what would you do?

 

 

Do the honorable right thing and put your wife and children first( if you have them) and don't have an affair. Address your marriage issues with a professional or your religious leader and if that doesn't work then divorce. Good honorable men don't cheat.

[miker1477]

Any idea on how I get rid of this crush? Should I tell this other person and give her a chance to reject me? I am emotionally very confused and having hard time focusing on things.

[Emme]

You know I don't understand why people beat themselves up. Every one is human. We are allowed to be flawed in a sense. To find someone who makes us feel like blood still flows through our body should not be looked at as a bad thing. It means you are a man who's still alive, not dead. If you are thinking about her you are considered NORMAL. They are called emotions. Now as far as your marriage the question is if you are in a happy marriage. I watch many people get divorced because instead of living like husband and wife they live like brother and sister. You cannot let this woman decide whether your marriage should end. You have to decide if the love is no longer there. I don't know where the notion came from that you are only suppose to love one person in your lifetime. You can love as many people as you want and in different ways. If you are blessed by god to love only one that's fantastic. Not because you are with someone from the beginning doesn't mean they are the ones that will be by your side in the end. Does your wife know how you feel Mike? What do you plan on doing to let her know that your marriage is not going how you'd like?

[miker1477]

Happy marraige? I don't know exactly how to define that but there is no intimacy in the relationship. I think you described it the best way possible....like a brother and sister. I think I want to feel that emotional bond that I haven't felt in years. Sometimes I wish that I had no emotions, life would be so much better that way. I really dont have any plan at the moment...just confused

[BB07]

Any idea on how I get rid of this crush? Should I tell this other person and give her a chance to reject me? I am emotionally very confused and having hard time focusing on things.

 

NO, don't tell her, you will be opening Pandora's box and you said you are confused. Don't drag someone else down with you with your confusion.

 

Address your marriage issues FIRST then decide what you want to do but affairs are 9 times out of 10 very bad for all parties involved.

[Finch]

You ask for advice on how to "get rid of this crush". While you may be able to ignore it until it goes away, chances are if you are unhappy with your marriage another crush will appear. The crush in an of itself isn't a problem. You say that you think about this woman day and night. Relationship are work, while having a crush is easy. The crush has no flaws and makes no demands of you. Combined with what you've described as a relationship with no intimacy I see the crush then as a symptom of your relationship and perhaps a lack of communication.

You need to address your marriage issues. If you want to work on your marriage then talk to your wife and consider seeing a couples therapist. You have a responsibility to your wife to either attempt to work things out or leave the relationship before you even consider acting on any crush.

[whichwayisup]

Any idea on how I get rid of this crush? Should I tell this other person and give her a chance to reject me? I am emotionally very confused and having hard time focusing on things.

 

DO NOT TELL HER about your crush!

 

Stop thinking about her 24/7. You've built her up in your head by thinking about her so much, she'll never live up to your expection.

 

A crush is a crush and it's best to leave it alone. By allowing yourself to fantasize and focus on her has made you detach from your wife.

 

DO marriage counselling with your wife and try to reconnect and recapture what you once had a long time ago. Obviously you and your wife loved eachother and were attracted to one another at some point in time, enough to want to start life together and get married.

 

DATE your wife and make it fun. Focus that energy on your marriage and not the crush.

[MissBee]

I have been married for about 10 years and about a year ago I met a girl who I have developed a big crush since my marriage isn't where it should be and its mostly sexless. I feel like we are roomates most of the times. I need to do something but can't figure out what to do. Either stay in marriage or get out of it. And this other girl....I have a big crush on her but i don't think she knows that I can't even say anything because she knows I am married. I just keep thinking about her day and night and can't get her out of my mind. Anyone else in this kind of situation? If not, what would you do?

 

I admit to being a procrastinator at times but in terrms of being happy in my life, I want that and I don't believe in wasting time. I also have been cheated on and have been involved with someone doing the cheating and both positions weren't pretty.

 

You are not yet involved with this girl...so you very much have the time to do the right thing.

 

You said your marriage is "sexless"...is it loveless? Sex is not the only thing involved in a relationship as you should know, sex issues happen, if there is love there then you try to work it out. If you try and if you COMMUNICATE, and then still things aren't panning out, then make a plan to separate or do something differently.

 

Did your vows say for better of for worst? Well this may be a time of the worst and you can opt to actually voice your concerns, see a sex therapist, do something to make things better and improve what you've already built versus probably running off with some young thing for temporary gratification to end up in a world of bullshyt later on.

 

 

If your wife is worth it...work on things instead of putting your frustrations and energy into an escape, which is essentially what this young girl is and what your fantasies are, since nothing real is even happening. If she is not, then make a plan, execute it, so you can be free to live your life and she hers.

[miker1477]

I am not sure if the love is missing. I just feel like I have been a roomate then anything else. It's been like that for a few years even before I met the other girl. I know I should be talking to the wife but not sure how to bring it up. And I am pretty sure if I do mention something, she will just pack up and go to her parents. Is it better to be single then being in a relationship like this?

[whichwayisup]

I am not sure if the love is missing. I just feel like I have been a roomate then anything else. It's been like that for a few years even before I met the other girl. I know I should be talking to the wife but not sure how to bring it up. And I am pretty sure if I do mention something, she will just pack up and go to her parents. Is it better to be single then being in a relationship like this?

 

Tell your wife that you miss her and want to be intimate with her again and make life more exciting as husband. Make her feel loved and special. Bring the romance back..Flowers, love notes, holding hands.. You both have to make the effort. Don't let daily routines and stresses, everyday life get in the way!

 

It would be a shame to end the marriage without trying to fix it.

 

And, you HAVE to stop thinking about this other woman. Don't fantasize about her anymore, that is keeping the feelings of the crush alive.

 

Crushes are supposed to be light hearted and fun, not serious at all. Supposed to put a little smile on your face and feed your ego, make you feel good. And, you don't tell the person you're crushing on them!

 

You seem to be kind of obessessing about the crush and making it more than it is. I hope this makes sense to you.

[MissBee]

I am not sure if the love is missing. I just feel like I have been a roomate then anything else. It's been like that for a few years even before I met the other girl. I know I should be talking to the wife but not sure how to bring it up. And I am pretty sure if I do mention something, she will just pack up and go to her parents. Is it better to be single then being in a relationship like this?

 

Yes...because when you're single you can actually get the relationship you want. It is pointless to be in a non-relationship, relationship.

 

Write her a letter, plan a nice dinner or a date and when you're relaxed and happy bring up wanting to do more stuff together and reigniting the spark (don't confront or condemn her, as she'll definitely go off to her parents'). See if she is willing and open then to discuss more things and the more you can discuss the more suggestions you both can make on improving the relationship.

 

If after you have actually tried, and not just imagined the outcome based on fears, it doesn't work, then you gave it a fair try and can then assess is it worth 10 more years of your life or not and decide where to go from there.

 

But assuming what she will do and wallowing secretly in unhappiness and fantasizing about a crush you have on a woman whom you don't even know if she returns your feelings...spells avoidance and it is pretty much being on a treadmill to nowhere.

[Finch]

Are you for real? You've felt more like a roommate to your wife than a husband for the past few years and you've done nothing? Now in the past year you've developed a crush on a co-worker and your response is to....still do nothing!

Of course if you tell your wife you're unhappy she might go to her parents. That's what can happen when you explain that your marriage isn't working for you. But at least that's taking action. You haven't even talked to her about these problems. "Doing nothing" isn't going to change anything. You seem surprised that your relationship hasn't improved. No magic elves are going to come out and do the work for you while you sit and contemplate whether doing anything at all is a good idea. You are unhappy, you have to take the initiative.

[MissBee]

Are you for real? You've felt more like a roommate to your wife than a husband for the past few years and you've done nothing? Now in the past year you've developed a crush on a co-worker and your response is to....still do nothing!

Of course if you tell your wife you're unhappy she might go to her parents. That's what can happen when you explain that your marriage isn't working for you. But at least that's taking action. You haven't even talked to her about these problems. "Doing nothing" isn't going to change anything. You seem surprised that your relationship hasn't improved. No magic elves are going to come out and do the work for you while you sit and contemplate whether doing anything at all is a good idea. You are unhappy, you have to take the initiative.

 

LOL @ magic elves

 

But 'tis true though...

 

Over analysis and over contemplating is often times a means of distracting yourself from actually taking action.

 

As hard as it may be, for me any way, after a while it becomes more bothersome to be in limbo or to be waiting or stuck and as I explained to my friend once: "I'd rather run towards the disappointment, I'll get over it, atleast I will know the truth and be able to do something than now where I'm doing nothing".

[OldOnTheInside]

But follow the beating of your heart for Chrissakes.

How about he follows the beating of his brain?

 

I'll parrot everybody else with my own lecture. Don't drag this younger woman into your own sh*t unnecessarily. It's unfair on her, and unfair on your wife. You have problems. You need to own up on them.

 

You've stated that the marriage is on its last breaths. Should be pretty obvious, but divorce really isn't something you rush into even if things are bad. IMO you really need to give things one last shot no matter how unrealistic it seems, that way you can get complete closure on this issue. I mean, your marriage is in trouble and you are spending your time fantasising about some other babe. Maybe the marriage is completely dead, maybe it isn't. All you really have is assumptions unless you stop being passive and find out in an active way.

 

Communication with your wife (the big C), counselling, courting her, romantic walks...the list goes on. Point is, both you and your wife need to know how things will play out if you want there to be any chance of a divorce to be amicable. Or for the chance of you and your wife reconnecting, which is much harder but not impossible in some cases.

 

^ That is one of the more ideal ways of ending/reigniting your marriage. Dunno if you have the stones to pull things off drama free.

 

Of course, the above assumes that you even want to save your marriage. If you don't, might as well tell your wife and get things over with.

Edited June 22, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[Gentlegirl]

I got involved with an MM who had the same problem with intimacy that you say you have.

 

He was trying to solve his problem by using me to fill the gap he couldn't handle with his wife. It is grossly unfair and insulting to even think about using another person for that purpose.

 

Unfortunately, I was in a desperate time in my life and I fell for him. I have since realised that I was just his way of dealing with his problem and nothing to do with me. Hindsight is a great teacher.

 

It ended up causing me , him and his wife a lot of pain and grieving.

 

There is counselling, lots of ways to address the problem of intimacy in your life. Please do try to do something other than start an affair. YOur wife doesn't deserve it and neither does the woman of your crush.

 

If you can't solve the probelm, leave the marriage.

 

My best wishes to you as you go through what many of us have,

 

Gentlegirl

[Heart On]

I am not sure if the love is missing. I just feel like I have been a roomate then anything else. It's been like that for a few years even before I met the other girl. I know I should be talking to the wife but not sure how to bring it up. And I am pretty sure if I do mention something, she will just pack up and go to her parents. Is it better to be single then being in a relationship like this?

 

Well, if you feel like she's become just a roommate/sister,then the odds are she feels about the same way.Sometimes it takes actually talking to your spouse to find out how the other one feels.

 

For all you know,she's got a crush on some guy she knows too.

 

Don't act on your crush.I did and got crushed.

 

Talk to your wife.If she is so fragile that the mere mention of your unhappiness sends her packing,at least it's not because she found out you

cheated on her.(if and when you do)

 

Love is a strange thing.Marriage is even harder to understand.

Our emotions and chemistry don't last as long as our vows expect us to.

It's pretty normal to wind up in a "sexless" marriage over time.

 

What is supposed to keep us together is an emotional bond that we nurture on a daily basis and some of us,me included, allow that bond to slip away by making no real efforts.

 

What do we expect to happen when we don't put the time,care or effort in and wait for the other person to do it all for us.

 

What happened in your marriage will happen with anyone you choose once the novelty wears off and the honeymoon is over sexually.

 

So do yourself a favor,either put MORE effort into your marriage,or end it.

 

There is no middle ground.It's all or nothing at this point and your wife might just appreciate you not acting on your unfulfilled sexual needs with someone else.

 

I am sure she is no less sexually needy than you are and if you can work it out together,the least you can do is have the courage and respect to inform her so she can make informed choices about her future.

 

There should be no covert,unilateral decisions made in marriage.

 

I can tell you it isn't easy to inform your spouse that you are no longer in love with them,feel like they are more of a brother and you can't manage to find the lust anymore....but I did it and he and I split amicably.

 

I also informed him of my crush beforehand and let him know that I wanted out of our marriage.But really,the crush was just a symptom of my lack of care,passion or love within my own marriage.And I know now that no matter who I wound up with,those intense feelings at the beginning of a relationship fade with time no matter who you are with.

 

I am glad that I don't live with the abuse I did in my marriage though.

 

So I ended it.I have no regrets.

 

Grab your balls and sit her down and say what's in your heart.

 

Do NOT tell your crush anything about your feelings.

 

Not until you are well on your way thru your inevitable divorce.

Or better yet...when the ink is dry!~

 

That way...you don't hurt and use someone else while you try and fill the sexual void in your marriage and then not LEAVE because you feel so guilty for cheating on her you can't find your tongue or the reason you cheated on her in the first place.

 

First things FIRST!

 

COMMUNICATE.....it's probably WHY your marriage feels so empty.

 

You don't do it enough.

 

Good Luck...and SMART man for coming HERE first instead of after you found yourself caught in the middle of two women.

 

One is hard enough to contend with.....I can assure you you don't want two at a time!

[Mimolicious]

Any idea on how I get rid of this crush? Should I tell this other person and give her a chance to reject me? I am emotionally very confused and having hard time focusing on things.

 

From the sounds of things, at this point you may even fall in love with a Broom. Maybe some therapy can help? I mean, if your marriage is so lifeless then dead it! What's the point of being with someone that doesn't compliment your life? Sounds like it's dead on it.

 

If you are this "confused" now, don't think that by jumping into an A you will be any more lucid, on the contrary. If you can afford to take a break from your M to do "you" then I suggest you may want to try that first. Does your W know that her M is like a "friendship"? Maybe she feels the same way. Try talking it out, you never know...

[miker1477]

I really appreciate all the comments, thank you. I have got some thinking to do. One thing I did today was got rid of any and all contacts for the other girl and going to focus on the marriage 1st, either work it out or end it.