Feeling so inadequate sexually

[April72]

I feel so completely inadequate. I am a woman, Im 40, divorced. I'm far from a virgin and have had several sexual partners and 2 husbands. I am currently dating a 40 yr old divorced man. We totally click and have a wonderful relationship.

 

BUT.... His past literally includes just about anything you can think of. I mean literally. His twenties were spent sticking it everywhere he could anyway he could. Group sex, prostitutes, stripes... on and on. His ex-wife and he had a fairly erotic sex life...before things went bad. I asked him to please quit telling me about his past. But for some reason when something comes up that strikes a memory he can't seem to stop himself from sharing. When I point it out he's like I'm sorry, I didn't think, I don't mean to hurt you. I need to learn to shut my mouth it's my biggest enemy.

 

I asked if there was anything he hadn't done and if there was something he could share with only me... to which I was answered I'm sure there's lot's I haven't done... I just don't know what it is. Can't really think of one.

 

I know he loves me and enjoys our relationship.... but I can't help but feel like just another woman in a long line of women. To which most of those other women he acted out his sexual fantasy.... and with me... he says he just want's simple and basic. I shared my fantasy with him to which he said he had done it several times was shocked I hadn't and how erotic it was. Thanks for ruining it. I don't even want to have sex at all with him right now.

 

I know everyone is going to say it's his past, what's past is past, live in the now. He didn't even know you... blah blah blah. But I just feel like he has all these wild kinky memories with all these other women and he has nothing left for me. All his itches (literally) have been scrathced and there is no desires left for me except plain and simple. I feel cheated, rejected and inadequate...sexually. Not that the plain and simple isn't good.

 

The rest of the relationship is amazing we get along so well and enjoy spending time together... so I'm trying to swallow it and get over it... but I'm so hurt and angry and jealous.... that I'm not sure it won't forever be in the back of my head, all the mental images, and crap. How do I stop this so it doesn't ruin my relationship ?

[OldOnTheInside]

I won't offer that "he's with you now, not them" cr*p since it is still clearly an issue to you.

 

Depending on your financial situation, see counselling, therapy, and talk to him about your insecurities whenever they arise. Since he continues to talk about his past, despite the hurt that it causes you, stamping your foot down on this would be advised.

 

Although, it would be easier on both of you if you just broke up with him ASAP. If you don't deal with this, it'll just end up being an elephant in the room. I'm not saying that you should break up with him though, just something to think about.

[Chi townD]

I know what you're talking about. You just want to have something that's a first for you and him. Something you can experience for the first time together. It's tough, but you have to let that go.

 

Remember, there is a difference between having sex and being one with the person you love. I've had hook ups before and it really wasn't anything, but being with a person I truely love and care about is incredible and WAY different and MUCH better.

 

So, take heart in that..

[jnj express]

There's an old saying, and this isn't gonna be exact---but---those who can do,---do

Those who can't ---talk

 

What you just might be getting is a lot of talk to cover an inaedaquecy----you might wanna dig a little deeper very quietly on your own about this guy.

[Afishwithabike]

First of all no one should go into details about their past, the number of people they've slept with, what they've done. Keep it in the past. All you need to know is they're STD-free (get tested) and that they're going to be faithful to you if you're both planning on being exclusive.

 

This guy has a motor mouth. Are you sure he has done as much as he says? I have a cousin that talks a big game. He acts like a playboy, but in the family we know the truth. He's a poseur.

 

Also look up retrospective jealousy. I think that's what the term is for what you're feeling.

 

You could look at the bright side and look at it this way. Whatever new erotic thing you do with him will be a first for him. It will be the first time he does it with you.

[Woman In Blue]

I've met asses like this guy in the past. The type who thinks he's such a stud and has to constantly brag about his vast experience. I never kept this type of loser around long, however, because I'm not impressed with pigs who live for their genitals. It sounds as though you've landed one of those types, you unlucky girl.

 

It's one thing to have experience. It's quite another to be a dog in heat always looking to get your d*ck wet any possible way you can, and that's pretty much how he's lived his life. He's revolting.

 

I have no advice really, because someone like him would have been sent packing by now had it been me.

[aisle_seat]

I'm going to echo what's already been said. I can see no reason to talk about your sexual past with a current partner. Obviously there is some natural curiosity on each person's part about the other's past, but any questions should be answered very generally and avoid any detail if at all possible. And the answers should be short with a skilled and gentle segue into another topic.

 

You say you love this guy in every other respect, but if he's so insensitive to brag about his past experience it makes me wonder what kind of a man he is.

Edited June 22, 2011 by aisle_seat

[Cee]

I would consider this a red flag based on my past experience. My ex-husband was like yours and had done everyone/everything in his youth. It was completely absurd the number of women he had sex with. He had settled down quite a lot, but the ride wasn't over. It turned out he was an active sex addict, who used porn constantly and had an affair while we were married.