Honestly why do some women have sympathy for their abusers

[samsungxoxo]

If I was abused (for the first time) in a relationship or marriage, my feelings towards him would immediately changed from love to pure hate or indifference. It would totally changed that sweet image I once had of him.

 

However, from what I'm seeing many that have the chance to leave and report them (send them to jail).. end up having pity, excusing their behavior or just feeling sorry for them. It's said that we have this nurturing feeling and possibly still want to fix things.

 

All I know if I would have wish him the worst and make sure he gets sentenced.

 

I'm still friends with my ex BF because he never cheated, laid a hand on me ever nor threatened me verbally .... if so he would have been long gone.

[alphamale]

I'm still friends with my ex BF because he never cheated, laid a hand on me ever nor threatened me verbally .... if so he would have been long gone.

yea but he treated you well and he's no longer with you

[samsungxoxo]

yea but he treated you well and he's no longer with you

Actually I might get back with him one of these days. It's a lonnnnng story, way too much to explain....

[fallenenvy]

From what you are saying im guessing you have never been abused have you?

 

well i used to think like you. I'd leave him.. id hate him.. etc. till i ended up in that position. Please, for the sake of everyone on here don't judge something you have never been through.

 

The reasoning behind sticking with an abuser is very complicated if not even irrational. It has to do with them being able to manipulate you and break you down mentally. You loose yourself along the way.. making it next to impossible to get out.

 

No one can make you leave either. You have to do it on your own.. which is very hard.

 

Once again.. please.. don't say you know what youd do because you couldn't possibly. Perhaps you would hate him and leave if you got in that situation.. and if so good for you! really. but you just never know....

 

I found this out the hard way when i was beaten and raped by a guy for a year before i mustered enough of myself to leave him.

 

~Fallen Envy

[Tiberius]

I guess some people enjoy it if their partner is agressive and dominant.

[samsungxoxo]

From what you are saying im guessing you have never been abused have you?

 

well i used to think like you. I'd leave him.. id hate him.. etc. till i ended up in that position. Please, for the sake of everyone on here don't judge something you have never been through.

 

The reasoning behind sticking with an abuser is very complicated if not even irrational. It has to do with them being able to manipulate you and break you down mentally. You loose yourself along the way.. making it next to impossible to get out.

 

No one can make you leave either. You have to do it on your own.. which is very hard.

 

Once again.. please.. don't say you know what youd do because you couldn't possibly. Perhaps you would hate him and leave if you got in that situation.. and if so good for you! really. but you just never know....

 

I found this out the hard way when i was beaten and raped by a guy for a year before i mustered enough of myself to leave him.

 

~Fallen Envy

Fallen Envy thank you for your input and sorry to hear you were a victim to this. It must be hard but the reason I state these facts in my post is because I'm very strict on the ''Never abuse a human being, esp. a woman if you claimed to love her soo much''. IMO one who would dare even to raise his voice argrily with the intention of hitting me isn't a real man. I detest cowards. The world would be better with less victims of this if all the Chris Browns were vanish. They are indeed a waste of oxygen. No I have never been abused but that's how I feel.

 

It's similar to the way I feel about smoking. I never smoked in my life because I hate it, still do and always will hate it.

[samsungxoxo]

I guess some people enjoy it if their partner is agressive and dominant.

I think in the case, the person has some issues.

Unlike some people, I enjoy a tamed, gentle one. The only time I think dominant should be used would be in bed as in playing around (so we can then switch turns and decide who gets to be on top next time) but not in a violent way.

[Tayla]

Samsung, I admire that you carry a level of what is acceptable in your relations.

 

Some folks are raised in a very grey area of what is acceptable and tolerable. Some folks are raised to accept harsh treatment as a form of love. Heck we have parents here that display this and consider it appropriate to smack a child and call it discipline. Thus the child learns that such behavior of the parent is acceptable and non questionable. Then as they grow older they equate physical abuse as a form of "love". Notice the pattern? Anyways I think your post is valid and deserves to be acknowledged that people can make choices and set boundaries. Thank you for acknowledging Fallens' post, its really a sad tale, that for some, the choices were not so readily available....

 

As a lady who did go thru an abusive relations, its hard to look back and ask how I could have been sooo nieve in thinking I played a part in their rage or outburst. It took much therapy to understand that HIS ILLNESS was not mine to fix or endure...

[OldOnTheInside]

The reasoning behind sticking with an abuser is very complicated if not even irrational. It has to do with them being able to manipulate you and break you down mentally. You loose yourself along the way.. making it next to impossible to get out.

Very true. Really sam, you'd have to go to a women's shelter to get the full picture.

 

Basically, people suffering from severe abuse, aren't exactly in the most stable frame of mind. I'm sure that many people that enter abusive relationships, previously thought "I won't tolerate this and that". And then...

 

Google "cycle of abuse" to get a basic idea.

[amethyste]

As a lady who did go thru an abusive relations, its hard to look back and ask how I could have been sooo nieve in thinking I played a part in their rage or outburst. It took much therapy to understand that HIS ILLNESS was not mine to fix or endure...

 

Same here.

I also agree with the things fallenenvy said. Anyway, IMO these things have to stop at one point or another. Let's say you accept this situation for a while - a couple of months, one year, maybe even two, but you can't tolerate it for your whole life. Otherwise, you're the only responsable for the unhapiness in your life.

Maybe it has something to do with the Stockholm syndrome? I know it's about kidnap victims who become sympathetic/ attached to their captors - but I think it can be applied to abusive relationships as well. The abusive partner is like a captor who kidnaps and controls your life... Hmmm

[janica]

no one likes to be abused and to forgive the abuser and then be abused again later. The only reason for this, is financial dependence on the abuser. Now imagine if the abused person has lots of money. Do you think they will be abused then?

[KME39]

Being a former abused woman both emotionally and physically I am going to tell you that the abuse didn't happen overnight. He didn't one day go off and pop me one. It built up over time.

 

The first thing he did was remove my self-esteem and self confidence. He did this little by little. Making comments about my weight, my intelligence and so on. I heard it enough that I actually believed it. Mind you I had very low self esteem to begin with which is what his type prey on. He showed up at my work one day and started screaming at me in front of everyone. I was so humilated that I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

 

His new thing was to start isolating me from my friends. He would tell my friends that I wasn't home. When I saw them out, he would push me a different direction. It got to the point that I was convinced that they didn't want to be friends with me anymore.

 

His next step was to start isolating me from my family. This he did by wanting to move into an apartment with me. Once he did that is when the real abuse started. I couldn't do anything without asking him first. My entire life was revolved around making him happy. I got the courage to break it off with him, and he attempted to kill himself with a gun. He came back into the apartment and was looking for me. Had the if I can't have her, than no one can. Thankfully I was in another aprtment hiding and the police showed up. He did get arrested and had all his guns taken away.

 

I took him back after that because he played again into my fragile self esteem. The last and final time that he hit me, he caused me to have a miscarriage. He also tried to kill my puppy, and my brother.

I got some peace when I put him in jail. I also was harassed by his family and had threats made to me.

 

For years when I heard a gun shot, I would have a panic attack. I finally got peace when I loved away from that area.

 

I am in the process of divorcing my hubby because he started showing some of the traits that this man did. He humilated me once in public and I snapped. I told him off. His father insults me regularly and he never stood up for me. I am not going through whta I did before.

 

So unless you have lived through it, and know how hard it is to break the cycle don't ask why women do what they do. Everything that is yours and yours alone is removed once piece at a time until the only thing you have left is the abuser. That is when they strike.

[Trishi]

If I was abused (for the first time) in a relationship or marriage, my feelings towards him would immediately changed from love to pure hate or indifference. It would totally changed that sweet image I once had of him.

 

However, from what I'm seeing many that have the chance to leave and report them (send them to jail).. end up having pity, excusing their behavior or just feeling sorry for them. It's said that we have this nurturing feeling and possibly still want to fix things.

 

All I know if I would have wish him the worst and make sure he gets sentenced.

 

I'm still friends with my ex BF because he never cheated, laid a hand on me ever nor threatened me verbally .... if so he would have been long gone.

 

It's called love... sometimes, you just feel too strongly for the abuser to begin with. You have a picture of the person, stuck in your memory, that you just can't forget. It's confusing at best, and if you haven't tried it, it's not that hard to imagine why you don't understand.

[Tazzy]

I guess some people enjoy it if their partner is agressive and dominant.

 

 

Shame on you Tiberius!!!!!!

No i didn't injoy when Scott hit me!!! No, I didn't enjoy crying and washing my own blood off the walls!!! Do you really think i thought this was fun??!!! I stayed because it wasn't always bad times---there were also good times----I just kept hoping that he would finally grow up and stop the drugs and drinking. Yup---my bad!!!! We love who we love!!! Am I glad that I away from Scott??? HELL YA!!!!! If I had the chance to go back in time and love him again??? HELL YA!!! I was given the chance to love like I never have loved before----it just wasn't what God had planned for me. He once was a huge part in my life and now being away from him and becoming the person I was before I met him is now a huge part in my life. We don't ENJOY being hit!!!! Don't EVER say that to someone again!!!!!!

[Tiberius]

Shame on you Tiberius!!!!!!

No i didn't injoy when Scott hit me!!! No, I didn't enjoy crying and washing my own blood off the walls!!! Do you really think i thought this was fun??!!! I stayed because it wasn't always bad times---there were also good times----I just kept hoping that he would finally grow up and stop the drugs and drinking. Yup---my bad!!!! We love who we love!!! Am I glad that I away from Scott??? HELL YA!!!!! If I had the chance to go back in time and love him again??? HELL YA!!! I was given the chance to love like I never have loved before----it just wasn't what God had planned for me. He once was a huge part in my life and now being away from him and becoming the person I was before I met him is now a huge part in my life. We don't ENJOY being hit!!!! Don't EVER say that to someone again!!!!!!

 

I said some. Happens to men to. I was in that situation. Also I guess it depends on what form the abuse takes.

Edited July 18, 2011 by Tiberius

[Trishi]

I said some. Happens to men to. I was in that situation. Also I guess it depends on what form the abuse takes.

 

Tazzy is going way overboard here. Huge misintepretation there, but out of curiousity, what do you mean when you say you were in that situation? "Enjoying" something is highly subjective, and sometimes, even you yourself can be too confused to be fully aware if you enjoyed it or not.

 

I have been raped once, by a close friend, and thought I had enjoyed it at first. It was too confusing, and had I been completely on my own, I had probably accepted it, and let him do it again. Contradicting emotions are difficult to handle, and because it's easier to just look at the past as the "answer" to your confusion, you will generally just look at the persons past deeds (Which are typically good and positive), and accept these "horrible acts" as being just fine. If you haven't tried it, you can't understand it. And if you don't understand it, be thankful for that.

 

In fact, I'd probably be with the same guy who raped me right now, if I hadn't gotten some great replies from this very site. You guys in here are awesome

Edited July 19, 2011 by Trishi

[Poernproony]

ghd australia graduatep90x sydneynike air jordannike air jordan retrotrue religion jeans toronto

[shayla]

Learned helplessness, the cycle of violence, and the power and control wheel.

 

Those three things you learn your first day working in the domestic violence counseling classes.

 

If every single person knew and understood these concepts, there would no longer be judgments about those that are victims of the CRIME of domestic violence.

[Taramere]

Being a former abused woman both emotionally and physically I am going to tell you that the abuse didn't happen overnight. He didn't one day go off and pop me one. It built up over time.

 

The first thing he did was remove my self-esteem and self confidence. He did this little by little. Making comments about my weight, my intelligence and so on. I heard it enough that I actually believed it. Mind you I had very low self esteem to begin with which is what his type prey on. He showed up at my work one day and started screaming at me in front of everyone. I was so humilated that I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

 

What a horrible situation.

 

I haven't been in that situation in my adult life, but I remember getting the same kind of drip, drip emotionally abusive behaviour from a boyfriend in my mid teens. People can say "that's just what teenage boys do" but it isn't. There's a difference between the "blunt but ultimately affectionate and accepting" humour well adjusted males of any age can show towards a partner, and the habitual cold, rejecting unpleasantness of an abusive personality. I think so, anyway.

 

I took him back after that because he played again into my fragile self esteem. The last and final time that he hit me, he caused me to have a miscarriage. He also tried to kill my puppy, and my brother.

I got some peace when I put him in jail. I also was harassed by his family and had threats made to me.

 

Jesus. It sounds like you were involved with an out and out psychopath.

 

 

I am in the process of divorcing my hubby because he started showing some of the traits that this man did. He humilated me once in public and I snapped. I told him off. His father insults me regularly and he never stood up for me. I am not going through whta I did before.

 

So unless you have lived through it, and know how hard it is to break the cycle don't ask why women do what they do. Everything that is yours and yours alone is removed once piece at a time until the only thing you have left is the abuser. That is when they strike.

 

I suppose that as with so many other things, there's a continuum where what seems innocuous or ambiguous (in terms of whether or not it's a sign of an abusive personality) is difficult to address. But then the deeper you get in, the more you see more and more signs of an abusive personality...but because you've started to invest in something with that person, you start to take responsibility for being able to "manage" them.

 

Say Guy A indicates his dislike for "entitled" spoiled women/feminazis. Fair enough - most people aren't keen like spoiled brats or extremists, but sometimes in the course of discussion that helps him to define what he means by these terms you'll find out some discomfiting facts about the man himself. He might, for instance, mean somebody who shares his outlook and expectations in life. His own sense of entitlement is unacceptable in others. Perhaps he feels he should be permitted to dish out abusive commentary to others with impunity, but goes into a white hot rage when it's dished back at him.

 

Some people, on the other hand, might seem to have an abusive sense of humour - but if you dish it back at them, they'll take it in good humour. So rather than being abusive, they probably just have a higher tolerance to banter with a lot of spice and heat to it...and gravitate to others of a similar mindset. It can be difficult to differentiate between the two. I like to test men out by returning their banter and seeing how they react. Sometimes people who seem downright abusive can prove to simply like a form of hard banter....and they gravitate to others who share that preference and will give them a challenge, as opposed to being people who are looking for victims they can bully without consequences.

 

Your first one in particular sounds terrifyingly psychopathic. The second one...unable to stand up to his father maybe? I really hope you find a better man next time.

Edited July 22, 2011 by Taramere