The "friend" who used me

[Nebula]

Hi all. I'm a frequent reader of this forum but not a poster. I'd appreciate some feedback.

 

First of all I want to admit that I'm a bit embarrassed to share my story, as it exposes my weakness to have endured something like this. I'm currently in therapy.

 

There was this point in my life where I was bored, and mostly bored of being single. Suddenly this friend from work was single too. I started noticing more how he's really good looking (I'd dismissed it because he had a gf before). Since he gives off this vibe of being emotionally unavailable and not something that encourages closeness, I figured I'd just use him as eye candy in the mean time.

 

Well, since his life basically WAS his ex, when it was all done he was pretty lonely. He reached out to me as a friend. I have this awful weakness where I just HAVE to help people in need. The ex was really mean to him, pretty much left him for another guy. From what I knew he was actually pretty nice to her.

 

So my sense of purpose heightened; I'd help the guy. Since I thought NOTHING would ever happen I didn't think the whole thinking he was cute thing would matter.

 

So he came over one day and I was just being supportive and things happened. We didn't sleep together but spent all night together and made out. The day after I had to go on a trip, so I had a week to away think.

 

I guess because of my boredom and loneliness my feelings went CRAZY. I thought, "NOOO, he's sad about his ex, RUN!" Plus I figured nothing would ever happen again. But I could only think of him and how good it felt. D'oh.

 

We exchanged some emails then and agreed it was a nothing. I was fine with this.

 

I came back and we met and something happened again (his doing). My stupid brain thought, "oh, maybe he does like me?"... but then he got all weird and I confronted him and asked why he did stuff then and he said "because you are the only person who's been nice to me and it felt good. And this can't be anything more because we wouldn't work out as a couple".

:S In retrospect I can't believe I didn't run for the hills but instead I thought, well he's wounded, I understand, I can be his friend. Double d'oh.

 

Don't ask me why or how but we ended up talking everyday all the time, dinners out, sports, going away on trips (even out of the country), meeting his friends... and sleeping together. But we were not together. Of course this bugged the hell out of me because even though I knew this wasn't the guy for me, I still wanted to be with him. I figured if he liked me enough and committed then it'd be good, if only for a while.

 

Instead he actually progressively became an ass, not only with the obvious fact that he was actually using me, first as a rebound, and then just because, for the sex, the ego stroking, the fact that I helped him with everything. But he didn't do anything nice for me and actually got mad at me when I sought for AT LEAST some acknowledgement for what I did. He'd insult me often, and ignore me when I tried to have serious conversations. I was always an option to him while he was trying to get his life back, when he started making new friends I always came last.

 

I tried to stop it quite a few times, but he just kept coming back. Stupid mistake I made was thinking we could just go back to being friends (I really had NO perspective to see how much of an ass he was) instead of doing NC. Even he tried to stop saying "it wasn't going anywhere so it was wrong", but same thing.

 

He manipulated the situation by making me the "bad friend" when I mentioned NC because I'd kill the great friendship and we shouldn't let the other stuff ruin it if we could just stop that. LOL. He knew how I felt about him, I told him and he saw me plenty messed up and crying over this. Not enough to feel any empathy though.

 

Fast forward a year and a half, and I was just sick of it. I started snapping out of it and thinking, this guy is an ass to me! And he'll never care regardless how good I am to him! So we stopped seeing each other. I asked for NC but he popped up and it ended in arguments about me complaining about the way he'd been and him saying, "but it wasn't like I used you like a jerk, because I did care about you as a friend". Of course I was like, HOW IS THAT ENOUGH!! He even came to say we actually HAD been together just because we were exclusive. -_-

 

Couple of months later, the day after my birthday, he gets himself an actual girlfriend. This didn't break my heart since by the time this happened I knew I didn't actually want him, but it did hurt my ego, and this is my problem now.

 

Even after he got together with her, he'd pop up in the work chat room where I couldn't block him (I'd blocked him everywhere else) asking how I was and said he felt bad, and missed me, because I was the best friend he ever had and had never trusted anyone before and like that and felt as comfortable, even with his last gf of 4 years (he'd told me this before anyway). But that only pissed me off so unfortunately after a few times of this instead of ignoring him I told him to just focus on his girlfriend and leave me alone for good. So he finally stopped. Until one of these days...

 

That happened in January, so it's been a few months. I definitely feel better now that he's not in my life, being free of that emotional hell. It made clear how bad my self esteem was, BUT it was also enough motivation for me to actually want to FIX it. I do take responsibility for the fact that I allowed this to go on for so long when it shouldn't have even started. Lesson learned.

 

So we talked one of these days (I was asking for some stuff back :/), and ended up having a looong conversation. He told me still felt bad everyday about what had happened. He also said the reason why he never made a formal commitment is because "since he knew we wouldn't work out in the long run, if we got together he couldn't ignore this fact and would have to end it for good. And he didn't want to let go either because he felt good and cared". He actually said he sometimes held back on being affectionate because of this. !!! So I know this sounds like bs but I think he's crazy enough to believe it. Basically he didn't like me enough to commit but still wanted to reap the benefits. And then the kicker; he wound up telling me he's actually different now and more affectionate than he's ever been to his new girlfriend because he has all these feelings for her, for as he didn't have them with me. Great.

 

So yeah, I was ridiculously blinded by this guy, he's a jerk, his opinion shouldn't matter, I shouldn't have allowed myself to be in this situation, I do want someone who will commit and if they don't then they're no good and out the door they'll go.

 

But I can't help but feel hurt. Hurt because even though I gave the best to this guy he still didn't like me anyway, jerk or not. That he'd be that close and still not see all the good qualities I had, or appreciate them. Sure I didn't show much self-respect, but it didn't mean he had to walk over me either. He can see good in other apparently if he has a gf now (second for him. he's 29, she's 23).

 

So I think, he's a jerk so it's his loss. If he was an ass to me he's bound to be at least a bit of an ass to her. But that's the thing. He didn't really like me, and he DOES like her. And the jerk actually got a good gf. She's not pretty, but from what I know (I've talked to her a bit before) she's nice, just finished school and did pretty well on her thesis on a hard school, dances, has 2 bands, has a good family, and although she's kind of loud and sounds a bit dumb and seemingly always begging for attention she seems happy and well put together. This is an assumption but still it's very unlikely she's really a CRAPPY person. So in the end it's like, he thought he could do better... and he actually did? I mean, I know I don't suck but I think she might actually deserve better than him. But if she's still with him and based on what he told me about his treatment then they probably are happy. And I'm still waiting for something. I don't go around life like a wounded puppy but it's getting tiring to not find something nice already.

 

So maybe he's only an ass to people he doesn't really like, like me. That doesn't really make him a good person obviously, but it stings he's being with her the person I thought I deserved to be with me. All I got was crap instead.

 

I keep reading how this says more about his character than it says about my value, but it still makes me uncomfortable that it seems this was exclusive to me.

 

So it's like I'm questioning if I'm unlikeable and deserved this because he as a jerk ended up in a happy relationship anyway not being a jerk (They've been together 5 months) and I'm alone (yes, I should heal before being with someone else but some interest would be nice ).

 

Yes, I should shift the focus back to me. I am! I'm trying new things, exercising, going out of my comfort zone. Working on appreciating myself more, because I do have a lot of good qualities, the only things I don't like about myself are actually my lack of self esteem and my negativity. But I enjoy myself. I laugh at my own jokes in my head lol.

 

But it's a nagging feeling. I have a session tomorrow and I'll vent this out a bit more. I just keep looking for more perspective so I can just let this go, more than just not thinking about it, find a peaceful thought to replace it when it pops to mind until it fades away for good. Because I want to be happy, I don't want to be the girl who agonizes over a guy who was such an asshat and not worth it, and to top things off has a gf anyway. More so because I can honestly say I don't even like him anymore. I can't even say I have that many happy memories with him, except for the 5 minutes where he was holding me where I could pretend that it meant more than it did, since I did have genuine feelings.

 

I know it's a waste of time to even wonder or give ANY attention to his current life if he's not a part of mine (except for when I see him at work... don't have to talk though) but I haven't been able to make it go away and it's annoying. The lessons are learned, the mistakes noted though.

 

Wow this was really long, thanks in advance to anyone who bothers to read it all.

[jabo0112]

I'd like to respond but I don't really know what you want to know! You sound like a person who was basically in a relationship that wasn't good, you are now looking back at it and learning what mistakes were made, and you'll come out stronger in the end. I've been there and that is what dating is all about. Just because it wasn't "official" doesn't mean it didn't happen, ya know?

[friendofafried]

He's an ******* for stringing you along, but he made it clear at the start he's only gunna have fun with you and not get into anything serious... sounds like you thought you could win him over, as time went on.

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I like pizza, my friend likes pasta... we like different things but it doesnt make 1 better than the other...

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Youre not better/likable than the new girl, shes no better/likeable than you... just different thats all

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A PROPER gentleman would have dissmissed you, (to save you from this anguish) but :) (your guy) couldnt resist closing the door on you, you were far too attractive a partner to let go of.

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You should have saw it coming, you should have noticed he was not completly in love with all your qualities. but you will notice it from now on.

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try again with someone new, that deserves you

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[east coast edward]

Dear Nebula .. reading SedatedCalamity I too have difficult, and in my case frankly unbalanced emotions following an attempted (and still attempting, just) romantic attraction to a friend.

 

This is the second time that this has happened in my life, and it is indeed not pleasant. Normally, we form relationships with strangers. As the relationship develops, it passes through various stages where it can suceed or fail. Rather like a project going through gateways, it gets reviewed. With a friend, none of this ramping-up happens it just hits full-on. Of-course the problem is that because friends are close, these things can happen and the other party, not wishing to disturb the friendship is often powerless to deflect the passion developing in their friend.

 

Add to this the history of each-others ex and broken relationships and its a cocktail for potential suicides. Why? Because, rather than being in that nice place where you are dating, wooing, you are often apparently strung-along, coping with mixed signals and facing rejection. With a developing conventional relationship, it would hurt possibly but wouldn't matter. When you fall for a long term friend, and they don't reciprocate its like a long-term marriage failing. When the friend not only fails to reciprocate, but also takes advantage of the disparity, this is a serious calamity that can pose long-term damage to your mental health.

 

Why would a friend behave like this? Well often just because they can, and also because it gets out of control. You tend to trust friends where they have helped you, or you have helped them through issues with other partners. When an emotional attachment arises between you, you are often very raw; because you trust them. There are none of the normal defences, and their is a deep sense of loss because the person you would wish to confide in and trust, is the friend who is treating you unfairly.

 

I have a friend, a good friend who I've fallen in love with. She (apparently) initiated it by giving off all kinds of signals, but I could be wrong, I could have imagined it. I declared myself, I know that I shouldn't have but the circumstances led to it and - well mistake. I was honest, now apparently she is dishonest, and won't even tell me no. I've even tried to put a stop to this by asking her to send me away, but she wont. All I get is move minor hints and en-treatments, and occasionally sex. My life is hell, I don't know where I am, frankly it has cost me my concentration and with it three good contracts. And, so I'm now broke. Her attitude is if I'm broke, I couldn't support her therefore I'm no good.

 

So, is she bad or am I mad?

 

I think probably the latter.

 

What has happened is that she ws so busy, so focused on business things that she wanted to park this emotional stuff - deal with it later. Right from the point where I declared my love, she was adamant the she dis want a relationship, but take it slowly and I needed to focus on work as she was doing. In fact I took this as a rejection, and stupidly spoilt it for both of us.

 

I'm not using this to excuse your friend. The treatment that you got was reprehensible and disgusting. I think its fair to point out though that friends can't always be counted on to work by the rules, because the rules have been changed; a friend will have great difficulty in saying no, even to the point of half-heartedly going-in to a terminally dire relationship.

 

This is a painful situation.

 

Falling in love with a friend, and not making the connection is as bad as facing the break-up of a long term relationship due to the partner's infidelity. You have to experience this to know how bad it is.

 

God bless.