amethyste Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Hi, I'm new around here, and I'd like to get a bit of help/ support/ or just a simple opinion. I'm going through a difficult time of my life (a long series of misfortunes), but the last drop that fills the glass is related to my "pseudo"-relationship. I've been with someone who seemed perfect for me, we were a great team and we completed each other. It was absolutely great & relaxing for me to know I have someone I can feel comfortable with, from every point of view. Then, at one point, things started to change. He grew apart. I think that one of the reasons were some outside problems; I don't know the others - I was left with many questions and no real answer. Anyawy, I've stopped over-analyzing this situation many months ago. Our "break-up" occured last year; I was determined to go for NC, I have deleted him from Fb & my IM list, but he came back with a very peaceful & understanding attitude. Ever since then, we talk pretty often & sometimes he says he'd like to see me again (LDR). But things are neither black or white. I perfectly know that he'd be with me, if he'd want it; and it hurts me to know that he gave up on me, after telling me that we're perfect together & that he's extremely happy. I had a relapse yesterday (something he did triggered it), and it all came back to me: the pain, the disappointment, that feeling of loss. I've realized how unhappy I actually am. A tiny digression: I've been in the situation where I had to quit at some friendships because those men wanted more from me, and I wasn't able to offer them anything else but a friendship. I think it's very cruel to hold someone near you as a friend, while you know they have other feelings for you, and to pretend that everything's fine, and to give them false hopes (and that's exactly what my "ex" does). I care about him a lot, and I love him, but this isn't going anywhere. On one side, I realize that our present relationship can't bring me anything good, only worries & confusion. On the other side, I'm all alone (I live in a city where I don't know almost anybody). I got a job, I'm trying to invest time in my hobbies, I'm going out... but I still think about him. Every little nice thing comes back to me, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to find someone else more suited for me. I'd like to talk to somebody, because there are too many things on my head, and everything got overwhelming. I'd also like to explain him what I'm going through, but I don't know how to approach this, or how to remove him from my life. Thanks... Link to post Share on other sites
yulaw911 Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Hey amethyste, Just want you to know you aren't alone in this. My story is somewhat similar to yours. There are times where your going to relapse because something in your environment is going to trigger an emotional response. Im dealing with this as we speak, i was walking around the grocery store yesterday and i saw a woman wearing the same perfume my ex used to wear so i immediately felt a gut wrenching sick feeling in my stomach and honestly felt weak in my knees. Ive barely been broken up 3 weeks ago and it still feels fresh but from what ive learned from this forum is that this will all go away with time. I know the feeling of not having "closure" so to speak but your smart and you realized overanalyzing will get you nowhere. Sometimes we just have to remind ourselves that yeah maybe this is just for the best. i know it sound cliche and im sure youve heard it before but you have to maintain NC. Ive broken down several times and almost called her or written her a letter. Just hang in there you aren't alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amethyste Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 Thanks. During all this time, I was surprised to see how many cliche-like stuff are true. I know it'll be fine, but not having closure & being constantly tortured by mixed signals hurt me. The thing is, I need some help during this time, because I have no one to go to. The fact that I live far away from my family + all my other problems make it worse, and they make me unable to quit for good. As I was trying to put some order in my thoughts, I wanted to say that I don't know which is the right course - what if I quit at something that still has a chance? What if I'll regret this choice later? But after hearing how this sounds, I realize that I'm delusional. Anyway, it certainly helps talking about it. I wish I could be stronger... Link to post Share on other sites
Author amethyste Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 I'll get back to you, once I'll be able to receive PMs. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
yulaw911 Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 What you have to ask yourself is did you give it your all in the relationship? To me it seems like you were really heavily emotionally invested in this relationship, way more than he was. If you really gave it your all then you should feel satisfied that "hey i tried my best but i cant make him want to be with me". We go through our relationships thinking that our partner sees the relationship the same way we do which i am now learning is not true. I looked at my ex as family in a way or a part of me while she looked at me as an "option". Hes indecisive with you guys right now could you imagine what it would be like if you guys were say to have been married or had kids? Things could be a lot worse and that what you have to tell yourself. Ive been an emotional wreck the past month breaking down randomly but damn..i have honestly grown a lot stronger from this pain. I can send you my email or aim if you would like to talk about it, i know it helps me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amethyste Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 What you have to ask yourself is did you give it your all in the relationship? To me it seems like you were really heavily emotionally invested in this relationship, way more than he was. If you really gave it your all then you should feel satisfied that "hey i tried my best but i cant make him want to be with me". We go through our relationships thinking that our partner sees the relationship the same way we do which i am now learning is not true. I looked at my ex as family in a way or a part of me while she looked at me as an "option". Hes indecisive with you guys right now could you imagine what it would be like if you guys were say to have been married or had kids? Things could be a lot worse and that what you have to tell yourself. Ive been an emotional wreck the past month breaking down randomly but damn..i have honestly grown a lot stronger from this pain. I can send you my email or aim if you would like to talk about it, i know it helps me. I feel like I should write down all the things I've learned, and also what you've said. Maybe they'd help if I'd read them daily Everything's absolutely too. I have some health problems that I can't control, and I remeber how sick I was when we broke up. Then things started to get better, I haven't had any problem... and now, surprise: relapse time! I'm getting ready to go to sleep, but please leave me a way to contact you. I'm not sure yet how are things done around here, but I'll get used to Link to post Share on other sites
yulaw911 Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Sounds good Email me at [email protected] Let me know when you have it so i can take this post down! Link to post Share on other sites
Author amethyste Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 got it now Link to post Share on other sites
mtd4249 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 amethyste - I'm in a similar situation to you .... my ex left me 5 months ago after 16 years together and moved to another city where her family lives because she needed space and felt unhappy, even though the worst thing I had done was be 100% committed to her. I get the feeling that you were deeply invested in your ex and I've come to realise that you can over-invest in the other person - I'm guilty of over-investing and fear that the recovery time will be much longer because of this. I think the ups and downs you are having are all part of the process - they certainly are for me ... some days I think I'm fine, other days the pain and thoughts become dominant. For instance, last week I decided to sort through photo albums in anticipation of the looming splitting of assets - but, it was just too pain and I had to stop. The next day, I had no appetite all day! I was also very comfortable with my ex - after 16 years together, everything just seemed to happen naturally and there were no uncomfortable moments. It was like hand in glove and I, too, question if I will ever find someone with whom I feel as comfortable ..... all I can say is I hope we do! Like you, I also live in a city where I have a job but only a few friends and my family live in another city (my ex and I moved here 5 years ago, to secure a job for me with a view to starting a family this year!) .... the isolation makes it just much harder. You're not alone, we're here for you ... so, keep posting and take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Thierro Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 There’s a calmness in your words that tell me you are a strong and collected individual. You seem the quiet, reserved analytical type. You being here surrounded by people that share similar thoughts, emotions and processes is a good thing. Having all the friends in the world wouldn’t compare to a place like this. There is room here for every single person to speak their minds and share a part of their life in a private and save composition. Letting go of someone that has such a dominant place in your life is hard. If I were you, I would tell him what you feel and that you can’t settle for anything less to protect yourself and your feelings. Knowing that you feel alone in the big city just makes it harder to let go. But the most important thing is having a calm heart without the stress and hurt this situation is causing you. You need clarity and boundaries to take care of the what if’s and insecurities. Link to post Share on other sites
nikkinicole36 Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 I am going through this exact situation. It is incredibly tough and I'm still trying to navigate my way through everything as well. I hope things improve for you as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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