toughbug Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 I will make this as much to the point as i can. My fiance & i have been together for almost eight years and he had an A for almost a year with a married women of 3 who is also his coworker he saw daily. when i found out i asked him to end it & transfer to another dept., He said he loved me & would stop it bc i was going to send him out. He claimed his undying love for me & our 2 children(not biologically,but raised them for almost 8yrs. they call him dad) and even asked for us to goto counseling so we could rebuild, get married, and grow old together. So i gave it a chance, only to find him in contact with her still after. it had been 7 months since dday, but he kept trying to hold onto me even after i caught him last a few months ago. So one day i look on his phone bill bc he is acting strange and of coarse on his call log i see a blocked number for about 7 min. so i confront him & he says i was going to tell you but didnt know what to say..sure. He then tells me someone sent an anonymous letter to her husband about their affair and she wanted to know if it was him. He says he knows it was a coworker bc her husband told her it was sent from someone who worked with them that felt it was wrong & felt guilty keeping the secret. Then i said well i guess this A is taking all sorts of casualties & my concern is just on my family. He said he loved me and wanted it to stay with me. I was not very open to being nice, i yelled at him & just wanted to hurt him with words,clearly bc i was angry for good reason. Then the next day he goes to work & calls me & tells me he doesnt know what he wants to do. wow. really? Our counseling sucked bc our therapist always managed to have us fighting more instead of helping with bad counseling. Even he wanted to find another so we were. But in our last session together a month ago he stated in their conversation about the letter she was more hurt than angry. and he was angry about this person hurting HER so much, that he blamed this person & totally ignored that it was them who chose the consequences for the outcome to be what it was. He chose this outcome. this person was just doing what they felt was right. which i too got a letter months before and he didnt react half as pissed off. I found in the end an email saying he loved her and calling her by his last name! it sucked bad. the last session he bcame uncomfortable bc the counselor did one thing right, she told him where is your accountability in all this? are you not seeing its not this anonymous person who ruined your life, you did? he just said i know & proceeded to focus on the "anonymous" He had stated before he has never had to be accountable for anything since his parents never enforced it. i just had my blinders on. i never tried to be nice, i was hurt & just wanted to b mad if i wanted to. im hardheaded & that keeps me from making any progress with anyone.so as far as plan A i didnt implement that well bc i always went off emotion & kept bringing up his A and her. All i know is when her husband found out from what he stated last a month ago at our last counseling session, her husband had her quit her job, which she did right away. Her and her husband are still together from what was said also. Since then i asked him to leave to give us a break bc the fighting increased & it wasnt good for the kids. So he left early May to his parents and since then i was begging him to come home throughout that month bc i missed him only for him to say he still isnt sure what he wants, but he still loves me and the kids. So i was told i need to stop giving him a reason to fence sit and cut off all contact so i can heal and step back and see what i want, also to pull the security away that he has an open door. He doesnt contact me at all it had been me up until 2 weeks ago when i just stopped. So i havent heard from him at all, my daughter reaches out to him & he talks to her but he never is the first to contact her. My son just doesnt want to. they are teenagers and i am learning to talk to them and doing some IC (at another location,which is way beneficial)to help me with helping the children cope and healing. He is aware of the new counseling sessions but has yet to go. He said is not sure about it yet. So for now im just doing whats best for me. its soo hard but i know i will be fine, i refuse to accept ant different, with or without him I will be ok and work on me to make the best decisions for myself and my children, and work on issues that may have been underlying problems on my part of the relationship. (although no excuse for the affair) i just need to sort through this mess and if he loves me he will fight for me, but i refuse to fence sit anymore..I chose that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toughbug Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 Hello dale. I meant even through all this,he was the one trying to keep us together, while i just couldnt get passed it bc of the hurt. it was also bc i would find out new lies later on.I am finding out in my new counseling sessions that reacting through emotion gets you making and doing things out of anger and solves nothing. When he gave me some honest answers about questions i had concerning the A, i was never able to accept them so that didnt help. It is all still new and i guess i wanted a quick fix, but its not like that im finding out. i am a very controlling person at times, that doesnt help either in the moving forward process. i just hate he was always clear about rebuilding then once the afffair was outed to her husband, he was undecided. Like i stated she decided to continue with her husband and kids, but i dont know if my fiance is in the equation still or whats going on at this point, but i have to move forward and if he wants to be in my life he will fight for us and sever all contact, & enter counseling again,if not, at least im beginning the road to healing either way. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Hello dale. I meant even through all this,he was the one trying to keep us together, while i just couldnt get passed it bc of the hurt. it was also bc i would find out new lies later on.I am finding out in my new counseling sessions that reacting through emotion gets you making and doing things out of anger and solves nothing. When he gave me some honest answers about questions i had concerning the A, i was never able to accept them so that didnt help. It is all still new and i guess i wanted a quick fix, but its not like that im finding out. i am a very controlling person at times, that doesnt help either in the moving forward process. i just hate he was always clear about rebuilding then once the afffair was outed to her husband, he was undecided. Like i stated she decided to continue with her husband and kids, but i dont know if my fiance is in the equation still or whats going on at this point, but i have to move forward and if he wants to be in my life he will fight for us and sever all contact, & enter counseling again,if not, at least im beginning the road to healing either way. Good luck to you! Most marriages will attempt reconciling after an infidelity. It is what you do with that time that is a good predictor of whether or not you will reconcile succesfully. But to be in contact 7 months later is really such a violation of your trust. At that point, he should have told you immediately and the two of you could have formulated a plan as a couple on how or if to deal with her. Does her H know about the resumed contact between them? Does he know that she garnered his sympathyies and has moved out undecided about the two of you? Have you contacted her and asked her what she intends to do here with your H? Is she planning to divorce her spouse and be with him? Her H should know about the contact. It is his life too. To keep renewed contact secret would be a huge deal breaker for me too. It is such a violation of your trust. To still care that she got caught for her actions is hugely non-productive for YOUR marriage. Take the high road here. Be polite to him, wish him well. Tell him how that contact made you feel. Wish both of them the best. Read up on the 180 and do it well. Take yourself out of their ongoing drama. Drama fuels affair "highs." Get busy, get happy, move on. IC is a great start. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toughbug Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 no they havent had contact since the hubby found out. sorry to confuse. but my fiance says even after he is undecided but still loves us.. Link to post Share on other sites
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