bc83 Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Mu husband thinks that it's possible to date other women while he "works" on our relationship. We've been separated for one month. We had an agreement that we could each date others for a four month time away from each other. He and I have both had opportunity to date others in the month (he went on a few dates, kissed someone and I almost started an affair with a MM, that story in a different thread), but I've come to the conclusion that I can't do it, it's still a break in my bond with him. But, he thinks he can do both, and that it's not cheating or breaking a bond since we made an agreement that we could do it. I told him point-blank twice in the last three days that I would not date him or work together on our relationship with him if he continued to pursue others. No having cake, getting to eat it. I need good advice/links/info from other sources on how it's really not possible to work on a primary relationship and see others at the same time. I've read a million self-help books and another million threads on LS and feel like finding the sources right now is overwhelming me. I'm upset and hurt and sick to my stomach, and am hoping some of you wonderful, sage LS members can send me some help. Or am I just deluding myself, trying to find information to present to him that justifies my asking him to not date others? I'm so lost and bereft. The drama roller coaster of the last month has to come to a rest sometimes. BC Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Mu husband thinks that it's possible to date other women while he "works" on our relationship. BC In other words you are there as his plan B. Never be someones backup plan, Link to post Share on other sites
Author bc83 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 In other words you are there as his plan B. Never be someones backup plan, I think you're right, even though that really feels awful. Opens my eyes a little. Link to post Share on other sites
findingmeagain Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Hell no!! What a disgusting insult to you, I would move on. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 But, he thinks he can do both, and that it's not cheating or breaking a bond since we made an agreement that we could do it. If he has to rely on a "technicality" to justify his actions then he is obviously not serious at all. Divorce him. Now. Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 You shouldn't have agreed to dating others if you weren't OK with it. Yes, he CAN work on your relationship while seeing others. But, obviously, you can't handle that. Link to post Share on other sites
findingmeagain Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Yes, he CAN work on your relationship while seeing others. But, obviously, you can't handle that. What a load of rubbish! You can't work on a relationship while out there shopping for a new one. Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Really? Don't people date multiple people at one time? And exactly what is wrong with "testing the waters?" Maybe he is? So what? Maybe he'll find that he really does love his wife. Maybe he'll find that he doesn't. The point of separation is to find answers when living together makes it impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
Donewrong Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 It does more emotional damage to the parties involved than you could imagine when a third party is openly involved. Whether she agreed to it or not at the beginning, she has gone to him and told him she don't want to do it anymore because she is not OK with it. If he was serious about working on thier relationship he wouldn't be interested in testing the waters! He can't have the best of both worlds. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Really? Don't people date multiple people at one time? And exactly what is wrong with "testing the waters?" Maybe he is? So what? Maybe he'll find that he really does love his wife. Maybe he'll find that he doesn't. The point of separation is to find answers when living together makes it impossible. Dating is not even close to the same thing as being married. OP, you don't need advice/links/info, anyone with an ounce of common sense knows you're right. Your H knows it too. But his cake tastes SOOO good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bc83 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 Really? Don't people date multiple people at one time? And exactly what is wrong with "testing the waters?" Maybe he is? So what? Maybe he'll find that he really does love his wife. Maybe he'll find that he doesn't. The point of separation is to find answers when living together makes it impossible. Wow, this sounds exactly like something my husband would say. What's wrong with testing the waters? Seriously? We've been married 20 years, have three kids, a whole life established together, friends and family supporting us, and it's OK to just date around in a pretty small community, and teach the kids that when the going gets tough in a relationship, just turn away and reach for another? Again, I ask, how is it possible to work on a primary relationship if you are trying to get in someone else's pants because you hunger for human touch? What will that teach you about your wife? And he wasn't lacking in touch with me, he wants touch with another to prove to himself he's still got it going on. My validation of that apparently isn't enough. Right now I'm doing LC as much as possible - it seems the only way to blunt my pain is to not see him in person. But he wants to set up dates with me this weekend. I'm torn because I hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I would tell him to take a long walk off a short pier. Link to post Share on other sites
Donewrong Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Maybe you should suggest he should take the time to focus on himself and figure out what he really wants before he involves others in the relationship. BC it hurts like hell knowing what he is doing. Talk to him..tell him how you feel. If he is not willing to hear what you are feeling and how what he is doing is affecting you and the kids...there is really not much to work with. You need to stop letting him have his cake at home. NC except for kids things.. No more dates with you..plain and simple. Testing the water is a bunch of BS. It's an excuse to have an open affair and not feel guilty about it. Take the seperation to focus on yourself and the kids because it is pointless to focus on a relationship if there is only one person working on it. I wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I'm thinking more like your husband. If I put myself in your shoes then OF COURSE it hurts you if he's dating. So you should renegotiate the terms of your separation with him. Suppose he doesn't love you anymore. He's hoping that by dating you -- by treating you like any other woman -- that maybe he'll feel something. If both of you keep doing what you've been doing then nothing will change (probably what he's thinking). At the same time he's thinking "well...I should date other women too. Maybe she'll be jealous and try harder. Maybe I'll find that I really don't like my wife as much as the other women." But to you you're thinking "how can he want to be with me when he's thinking about other women? I'm not thinking about other men, I just want him." It sucks. There's no doubt about that. But if you can understand his though process you have a better chance at "winning". So try to understand even if you disagree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bc83 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 Maybe you should suggest he should take the time to focus on himself and figure out what he really wants before he involves others in the relationship. BC it hurts like hell knowing what he is doing. Talk to him..tell him how you feel. If he is not willing to hear what you are feeling and how what he is doing is affecting you and the kids...there is really not much to work with. You need to stop letting him have his cake at home. NC except for kids things.. No more dates with you..plain and simple. Testing the water is a bunch of BS. It's an excuse to have an open affair and not feel guilty about it. Take the seperation to focus on yourself and the kids because it is pointless to focus on a relationship if there is only one person working on it. I wish you the best of luck. Thanks, DW. I've done what you suggest, particularly over the last week, when I came to realize that I couldn't date others while still being married to him. I cried, I wrote things out that I couldn't explain in person, I really opened up to him. He is willing to hear me but still doesn't want to change his actions. He says he's been a good boy for so long, he wants to know what he's missed. Time for him to experience more of what life has. I know that's BS since life is more hollow if you don't have a committed partner by your side - we are not meant to be alone. And yet he acknowledges that I am the one for him, always has been, always will be. NC/LC seems the best thing to do now. It's hard but nobody said it would be easy, right? Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Yes, he CAN work on your relationship while seeing others. There are also still people out there who believe the world is flat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bc83 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 I'm thinking more like your husband. If I put myself in your shoes then OF COURSE it hurts you if he's dating. So you should renegotiate the terms of your separation with him. Suppose he doesn't love you anymore. He's hoping that by dating you -- by treating you like any other woman -- that maybe he'll feel something. If both of you keep doing what you've been doing then nothing will change (probably what he's thinking). At the same time he's thinking "well...I should date other women too. Maybe she'll be jealous and try harder. Maybe I'll find that I really don't like my wife as much as the other women." But to you you're thinking "how can he want to be with me when he's thinking about other women? I'm not thinking about other men, I just want him." It sucks. There's no doubt about that. But if you can understand his though process you have a better chance at "winning". So try to understand even if you disagree. WHAT??????? If he doesn't love me than why continue this pretense? And what exactly would I be winning? And I'm not thinking "how can he want to be with me when he's thinking of other women" I'm wondering how he can work on our relationship when he's thinking of other women. Isn't that a fundamentally different viewpoint? I KNOW he can want to be with me and with others - he's proved that over the last four weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bc83 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 There are also still people out there who believe the world is flat. Even really highly intelligent people, eh? Link to post Share on other sites
Donewrong Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I'm wondering how he can work on our relationship when he's thinking of other women. Exactly. How can he focus on fixing himself and your relationship while he has other women chirping in his ear. He can't. These women should have the common sense to tell him to get his **** together and get a divorce before they get involved with him. That is either her nor there. I KNOW he can want to be with me and with others It's the sign of a confused person..running in all directions at a million miles an hour and not stopping to take a breath and think about the consequences of what he is doing or what he REALLY wants. He wants to date and test out the other options and keep you on a string by telling you he is working on the R...just in case the other women don't work out. Back up plan. I am glad you told him how you felt. He has made his decision - he told you his actions will not change. You unfortunately cannot control what he does. You can control you. The moment he started dating the working on your relationship part ended. Sorry - that's how I feel. Until he stops dating no talks about relationships. Just kid or financial talks only. Focus on making yourself happy. Go do things that you enjoy and have fun. Enjoy fun times with the kids. Show him what he's missing. Link to post Share on other sites
Finch Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Separations are tricky. People say "oh, we're separating to work on understanding ourselves better and figuring out what we each need in a partnership". I call BS on that. You separate to be separate. If you want to learn about yourself and your relationship needs then try sticking it out and actually working on the relationship. People who have children also have more to consider than just themselves and their own wants. OP, sounds like you've realized the separation is leading to separate lives and not in fact bringing you closer together or helping you solve anything. You want to stick it out while your husband wants to follow his bliss. People who really want to work on their marriages need to still be in the marriage - it's the only way to gain acceptance, self-awareness, and learn to face challenges and to compromise. It's also the only way to really understand how to balance personal needs with relationship needs. And no, you cannot do all that while dating other people. Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 There's no point in me further posting. It's clear your mind is closed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bc83 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 There's no point in me further posting. It's clear your mind is closed. It's not closed, I just don't get your point of view. You don't seem to think that there's a conflict in intent that my husband is refusing to acknowledge, or maybe he just can't/doesn't agree that there's a conflict. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 To the OP, I doubt if you will find links anywhere that your husband will accept. Heck, people don't even accept evolution and global warming, despite the overwhelming peer-reviewed research supporting it. Unfortunately, I am aware of no controlled scientific study of the success rate of marital reconciliation efforts under the two different conditions: with and without recourse to other partners. So anything we say can't be based on hard numbers, it has to be based more on reasoning and analogy. My reasoning tells me that to make a 1:1 r/s work in the way that I consider acceptable, each partner must eschew other intimate r/s. Yes, of course one can "date" multiple people at one time. Dating is not necessarily an exclusive r/s (or a sexual one for that matter). Fundamentally, your H does not currently want to be married to you in the way that 94% of us think makes sense - monogamously. I would give up on the impossible task of trying to educate him on human r/s, and just decide for yourself what you will and won't accept. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 (edited) bc83, I have a strong suspicion that dontKnowMe is your husband! Either that or just a troll. Or giving out bad advice in order to justify his own actions/situation. EVERY other poster here has the same viewpoint, so I would suggest ignoring dontKnowMe form now on. Edited June 23, 2011 by PegNosePete Link to post Share on other sites
Donewrong Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 bc83, I have a strong suspicion that dontKnowMe is your husband! Stranger things have happened for sure! Link to post Share on other sites
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