Fiancee left me, im devastated

[brokenheart2012]

My fiancee broke up with me Monday night. She told me she needed to end it "for now". I agreed with the breakup. She has been distancing herself for me for the past 6 weeks, so it wasn't a surprise. Still, I'm devastated. She told me she still loved me but it just doesn't feel right.

 

I still have a bunch of stuff at her house, which I need to go get. So I guess I will have to see her again fairly soon. I'm planning on tomorrow night. Is that too soon? Would it be better if I waited longer for her to miss me, and that would give me a reason to come back and see her? It's nothing I can't live without for a while.

 

She has still been sending me text messages. Last night she told me she would miss me. Monday night after the breakup she texted me that "just because we broke up, doesn't mean that's what I wanted to happen". Then today, she texted me and asked me about adding 2 friends that were girls to my facebook right after the breakup. She said she has been crying the past two days, and obviously it hasn't been a problem for me.

 

I haven't responded to those yet, I don't know what to do. I really do want her back.

 

Reason for breakup, uncertain. She couldn't give me anything logical other than it didn't feel right anymore. A few months ago she was head over heels and couldn't wait to start our new life together. We've been engaged for 7 months, and dating a total over 19 or so months.

 

Should I respond to her texts? What should I say? Should I use tomorrow, geting my stuff back, to try to get her back somehow?

[brokenheart2012]

I should add, even though she didn't give me a logical reason for the breakup, I have been pushing and chasing her, and she has grown more and more distant. I think we got caught in that pursuer distancer cycle and she was feeling smothered. I was just trying to keep our relationship alive. If I hadn't have been trying, there would have been nothing.

 

I think that contributed to the problem.

[Eddie Edirol]

If she distanced herself, either you killed her attraction so badly that she HAD to get away from you, or she is hanging with someone new and is trying him out. When they cant give you a solid reason, its because they are trying to avoid the telling you the real reason, and they found someone they think is better than you. But you wont figure out what you might have done to kill her attraction in addition to the smothering for a while. If she refuses to tell you why, and shes breaking it off, she has no interest in working on the relationship to fix the problems. Dont answer her texts, make her think you dont care. Thats how you do it. When she distances herself, you distance yourself more, until she specifically says she wants to try again.

 

Problem is, if she decided (which she did months ago) that she needs to break it off with you, then most likely she will not be attracted to you again. Especially if there is someone else. Thats why she is asking you about adding women on facebook. She wants to move on from you, but she doesnt want to see you move on. its not an attraction thing, its an ego thing. She doesnt want you to move on before her.

 

So dont hold your breath, taking a break usually means its a slow breakup, which usually means you are on the permenent backburner until the guy she is looking at now commits to her. Alot of people cant be alone, so they don t break up with people until another one is lined up. Thats here the distancing usually comes from.

[samspade]

"just because we broke up, doesn't mean that's what I wanted to happen"

 

LOL. Aren't women great at passing the buck?

 

Agree with Eddie - her interest was low. You'll never get that back. There's an outside chance that if you cut her off, she'll come sniffing around for another round, but it won't last. Same old story. Let her go. Sorry to hear, bro, but she did you a favor. Learn and adapt.

[GreenPolicy]

How old are you two? Do you suspect another guy? Has she been secretive with her phone/laptop? Started working out at the gym or really amped up her exercise habits lately? Harder to get ahold of by phone or text? Changed her hairstyle, wearing sexier clothing? Does she act differently in bed? Patterns of spending time together changed?

 

- Make arrangements to get your stuff back as soon as possible.

- DO NOT beg, plead, grovel for her to take you back. It will not work and she will lose respect for you. It will help drive her away even further and help convince her that she made the right decision.

- DO NOT get hateful or spiteful with her for breaking up with you. It will help drive her away even further and help convince her that she made the right decision.

- Delete her off of facebook and other social networking sites. Looking at that stuff will make you even more miserable.

- DO NOT try to be friends with her or tell her you are okay with being friends.

- Whether you decide to do Low Contact or No Contact, you will have to go NC once you reach a point where it feels like there is nothing you can do to change her mind.

- Other than getting your stuff, the best thing you can do for now is NOTHING. Try to make arrangements to get your stuff back without her being present or having to directly interact with her. If you do have to see her again, do not discuss the relationship and no matter how you feel on the inside, be pleasant, courteous and upbeat around her. Don't cry in front of her or get too emotional.

 

In the meantime, go the gym regularly, spend as much time as possible with your family and friends, seek out a therapist or a 12 step group for support, don't neglect your health, hygiene or your job. Don't even worry about dating for a while. If it really is over for good, it will take a good three months for the shock and separation anxiety to wear off. Post here when you feel down and don't contact your EX. Don't engage with your ex at all unless she is making noises about getting back together.

[brokenheart2012]

She's mid 30's and I'm 40. She wasn't secretive about her laptop or phone. She had been increasingly difficult to get ahold of over the last few weeks. Messages, voicemails were returned increasingly slowly. She often didn't answer the phone.

 

She started out being the agressor in the relationship. At some point in the past few months, that changed. She started slowly withdrawing. I thought we were to the point where I could avoid games (she withdraws so I should withdraw too), and instead I tried the direct approach of talking to her about what was going on, and asking her for more support in the relationship. Well, that backfired. The more I talked about it, the worse it got.

 

It's very difficult for me to ignore her message saying she's been crying for the past few days. I'm still in the fiancee mindset, and it seems cruel to not respond. What is the point of her messaging me? Is she really just looking for validation that the decision she made to break up with me is correct?

[GreenPolicy]

She's mid 30's and I'm 40. She wasn't secretive about her laptop or phone. She had been increasingly difficult to get ahold of over the last few weeks. Messages, voicemails were returned increasingly slowly. She often didn't answer the phone.

 

She started out being the agressor in the relationship. At some point in the past few months, that changed. She started slowly withdrawing. I thought we were to the point where I could avoid games (she withdraws so I should withdraw too), and instead I tried the direct approach of talking to her about what was going on, and asking her for more support in the relationship. Well, that backfired. The more I talked about it, the worse it got.

 

It's very difficult for me to ignore her message saying she's been crying for the past few days. I'm still in the fiancee mindset, and it seems cruel to not respond. What is the point of her messaging me? Is she really just looking for validation that the decision she made to break up with me is correct?

 

There may or may not be another guy in the picture. Ultimately hard to discern. If she keeps texting you and messaging you stuff like "I"m upset" or "I miss you," then I would reply back with "I miss you too, but this is what you wanted." If she keeps contacting you, I would just say "I am willing to do whatever is possible and necessary to fix our broken relationship, be it couples counseling, etc. I am respecting your decision to end the relationship. If you don't want to patch things up and reconcile, then you need to respect my need for space in order to heal."

 

You can't be friends with her right now, if ever. You'll be constantly overanalyzing every last text/email/gesture as a sign she wants to get back together, and if she doesn't want to get back together, sooner or later she'll be dating somebody else. You'll be crushed when that happens.

 

I think the only card you have to play here if she keeps stringing you along with these breadcrumbs is to tell her where you stand on reconciling and put the ball in her court. And if she doesn't make an attempt to reconcile and work with you to fix things, then you go NC. It's disrespectful on her part to feed you breadcrumbs.

 

Did you guys ever sit down and discuss "things," like taking the temperature of the relationship? Did she ever come to you with stuff that she didn't like and give you an opportunity to fix it? When you say you smothered her, what does that mean? Were you like a Stage Five clinger, never giving her space to do her own thing by being high maintenance, or do you mean you sensed her pulling away and you played your part in the push/pull?

 

She sounds immature from the way you describe (reason I asked about age is because she sounded like in her early to mid twenties based on your description) and not able to communicate her needs and issues in the relationship. Those are big No No's for the long haul. What was her relationship history like before you? If she's been like this in the past, then it sounds like she's locked into certain patterns. I've learned a hard lesson myself about really physically attractive women in their mid thirties that have never been married: it's a big red flag. Some man at some point before you has attempted to lock that down and failed. You might want to consider late twenties to early thirties going forward.

[brokenheart2012]

I'm not a stage 5 clinger, I was just pushing to get the relationship back on track. I thought the direct, open and honest approach would be the best thing since we were engaged. I did play some part in the push/pull but there was no pull from her.

 

Ughh, I'm so weak. She just called and without even thinking about it I instincively answered the phone. She sounded like she was crying. WTH? So now I am going there tomorrow to exchange all of our stuff including rings. Fun times for me. I guess she wants to break up with me and get emotional support from me at the same time?????

 

We tried to discuss things. On most instances I feel she held alot back from the discussion. One time last month she did give me two specific issues she had. I have worked on them since then, and told her I was working on them and still no positive changes from her. So that may have been a ruse.

 

One was getting along better with her daughter. Which I feel I do get along well with her, but nevertheless, I agreed with her and told her I would make an effort to improve. More recently when I asked how that issue was going, she wouldn't even agree that things were better even though her daughter and I get along well. Honestly I don't think that had anything to do with the breakup.

 

Her relationship history was she has been in two failed marriages. But then so have I. I don't know the details but I know she left her ex husband because of the standard, vague "unhappiness" issue. I know that issue well because that is the main excuse my ex's used on me.

[GreenPolicy]

I'm not a stage 5 clinger, I was just pushing to get the relationship back on track. I thought the direct, open and honest approach would be the best thing since we were engaged. I did play some part in the push/pull but there was no pull from her.

 

Ughh, I'm so weak. She just called and without even thinking about it I instincively answered the phone. She sounded like she was crying. WTH? So now I am going there tomorrow to exchange all of our stuff including rings. Fun times for me. I guess she wants to break up with me and get emotional support from me at the same time?????

 

We tried to discuss things. On most instances I feel she held alot back from the discussion. One time last month she did give me two specific issues she had. I have worked on them since then, and told her I was working on them and still no positive changes from her. So that may have been a ruse.

 

One was getting along better with her daughter. Which I feel I do get along well with her, but nevertheless, I agreed with her and told her I would make an effort to improve. More recently when I asked how that issue was going, she wouldn't even agree that things were better even though her daughter and I get along well. Honestly I don't think that had anything to do with the breakup.

 

Her relationship history was she has been in two failed marriages. But then so have I. I don't know the details but I know she left her ex husband because of the standard, vague "unhappiness" issue. I know that issue well because that is the main excuse my ex's used on me.

 

You are not obligated to give her emotional support for this and she is violating your boundaries by attempting to do so. She gets 100 percent of you or nothing at all. It sounds like you were doing your part to maintain the relationship and she can't/won't reciprocate. After exchanging things, make it clear that unless she wants to get back together, you guys don't have anything else to discuss and she has her friends/family to lean on to get through this. Her using you as an emotional tampon is injurious to you.

[Eddie Edirol]

You are not obligated to give her emotional support for this and she is violating your boundaries by attempting to do so. She gets 100 percent of you or nothing at all. It sounds like you were doing your part to maintain the relationship and she can't/won't reciprocate. After exchanging things, make it clear that unless she wants to get back together, you guys don't have anything else to discuss and she has her friends/family to lean on to get through this. Her using you as an emotional tampon is injurious to you.

 

 

Yeah seriously, go there, pick up your stuff, be as cold as possible, and leave swiftly without as much as a goodbye. She doesnt deserve it, and you need to let her think you dont need her as much as she thought you did.

[listen_to_me_please]

been here, done that.

your ex is sleeping with someone else but its not official with the new guy. in a few months she'll come back or not, eitherway i wouldn't marry her

[brokenheart2012]

Yeah seriously, go there, pick up your stuff, be as cold as possible, and leave swiftly without as much as a goodbye. She doesnt deserve it, and you need to let her think you dont need her as much as she thought you did.

 

I think she is already starting to believe that. She was crying and upset in general, and bothered that I wasn't more upset about it than I seemed to be. Of course, I'm very upset but I haven't let her know that.

 

Other opinions on getting my stuff back tomorrow? I understand your POV to be cold and quick, but is there any possibility of "striking while the iron's hot"? She's upset, vulnerable, misses me, could she think she made a mistake already? Would her seeing me in person tomorrow make it easier for her to realize she made a mistake and change her mind? Wouldn't it be more difficult for her to change her mind in the future after things have cooled off and she becomes more accustom to being without me?

 

Are the chances for reconciling greater right after a breakup, or further down the road? I realize that further down the road, I may be over her and not be as interested in reconciling than I am now.

 

Just looking for a range of opinions here. If I need to be cold and quick, I will do so. It will be very difficult for me since I'm used to being loving towards her. If there are any other possible actions, I would like to know. I don't want to make the wrong move and make things worse.

[brokenheart2012]

been here, done that.

your ex is sleeping with someone else but its not official with the new guy. in a few months she'll come back or not, eitherway i wouldn't marry her

 

What makes you think that? Because of her unexplained distance? I hope that's not true. If I could find out for sure that it was true I wouldn't want her back. We had sex the last time I saw her last week, and our sex life was generally pretty good.

[Graceful]

Sounds like the relationship moved too fast. You've both been married twice, she has a child, and neither of you are what I'd call "kids", so you have relationship histories and have both gone through divorces. It just sounds like she woke up and realized she never should have gotten engaged in the first place, not to you, not to anyone. Why else would she throw out the baby with the bathwater, so to speak? All she had to do was sit you down, tell you she wants to be with you, but wants to slow down the relationship. Instead, what did she do? She acted very immaturely, and bailed. Distanced herself, wasn't honest. Made you chase her, which she denies she wanted, but when you stopped, suddenly complains you're not around. Okay, so that's not your idea of being jerked around? That's what I call it.

 

Then starts acting like she's in high school, calling, crying, saying how upset she is, blah blah blah. Come here, go away, come back, go away, whatever. Who can live like that? You can't, no one can.

 

Then just because you're not begging, that means you're not upset, too? You're 40 years old, for crying out loud, she wants you to act like a love sick kid?

 

This ship has sailed. Pick up your belongings asap, do not prolong the process. I would not discuss this again. Nothing left to be said. Seems you can't do anything right by her, and while you've admitted your own faults, it sounds like she was making you do all the work and put in all the effort. What's her contribution to improvement? Oh, criticizing you. Sounds like a bunch of hooey.

 

It sux, but throw this one back in the water. Get the ring back, too, while you're at it. She's not stable and this would have been failed marriage number three, if you ask me. Sorry.

 

I'm not suggesting you will recover overnight, I know you're devastated, as anyone would be, but quite honestly, this woman followed her gut, but she did it in a real gutless manner. Well, now it's time to let her live with her "gut" while you stand clear of her. Go NC as soon as possible, and if she continues to carry on, that's her problem. She has her "gut" to keep her company. Again, very sorry. Take care.

Edited June 23, 2011 by Graceful

[GreenPolicy]

Listen to Graceful. As for others accusing her of infidelity, its always a strong possibility when a woman breaks things off in this way, but you can't say for sure one way or the other based on what you've told us.

[brokenheart2012]

Thank you everyone for sharing your ideas. If SHE brings up relationship talk tomorrow when I'm getting my stuff, should I ignore it? How should I respond?

[GreenPolicy]

I would go with an attitude of keeping things strictly business as it relates to getting your stuff. If she wants to rehash the relationship, just tell her that if she wants to reconcile and work on fixing things, you're ready to talk. Otherwise there is nothing to discuss.

[brokenheart2012]

Thanks Greenpolicy for your support. Last night in a sleep-deprived frenzy I texted her my theory that she had left me for another guy and that she had been seeing him for a while. Well, she called me this morning and said that it was ABSOLUTELY not true, and that she wasn't seeing or talking to anyone else, hadn't been in the past, nor has she added any new friends to her FB list. I believe her.

 

Then she mentioned the two FB friends who were girls that I added again, and asked me about them. I told her I hadn't spoke with them in a few years and they weren't close friends. I'm not friends with the ex on FB, she saw my profile through her daughter's account. That loophole is closed now.

 

I don't know what to do. I want her back. I'm miserable. I know begging her won't change anything, so I'm not going to do that when I go to get my stuff back tonight. This will be the first time I have seen her since she broke up with me. That happened Monday night, and it was over the phone Getting the stuff back and the ring is going to be very awkward.

 

She noticed I put a dating profile up right away and texted me something about it. I'm thinking maybe the dating profile was a mistake. Honestly, after I looked through a few women's profiles, I could tell I wasn't interested in dating anyone else right now anyways. None of them looked good because I keep thinking of my ex. To keep my hope of reconciling alive, would it be best to remove my profile and let her know I'm not looking to date anyone else right now? It's pretty much true as I'm still way to sad to do much of anything right now.

 

Since she told me she still loved me on Monday night, isn't there a basis for for a reconciliation?

Edited June 23, 2011 by brokenheart2012

[GreenPolicy]

Thanks Greenpolicy for your support. Last night in a sleep-deprived frenzy I texted her my theory that she had left me for another guy and that she had been seeing him for a while. Well, she called me this morning and said that it was ABSOLUTELY not true, and that she wasn't seeing or talking to anyone else, hadn't been in the past, nor has she added any new friends to her FB list. I believe her.

 

Then she mentioned the two FB friends who were girls that I added again, and asked me about them. I told her I hadn't spoke with them in a few years and they weren't close friends. I'm not friends with the ex on FB, she saw my profile through her daughter's account. That loophole is closed now.

 

I don't know what to do. I want her back. I'm miserable. I know begging her won't change anything, so I'm not going to do that when I go to get my stuff back tonight. This will be the first time I have seen her since she broke up with me. That happened Monday night, and it was over the phone Getting the stuff back and the ring is going to be very awkward.

 

She noticed I put a dating profile up right away and texted me something about it. I'm thinking maybe the dating profile was a mistake. Honestly, after I looked through a few women's profiles, I could tell I wasn't interested in dating anyone else right now anyways. None of them looked good because I keep thinking of my ex. To keep my hope of reconciling alive, would it be best to remove my profile and let her know I'm not looking to date anyone else right now? It's pretty much true as I'm still way to sad to do much of anything right now.

 

You're not going to be ready to date for 3-6 months, give or take. It's not fair to you, your ex or other people you might get involved.

 

The best thing to do is get your stuff, keep it all business, let her know you are willing to work on the relationship and reconcile if that is what you want, but that window of opportunity won't be open forever and you have to get on with your life. And if she's not interested in that, then there's nothing to discuss and you have to go NC.

[Eddie Edirol]

Well, she called me this morning and said that it was ABSOLUTELY not true, and that she wasn't seeing or talking to anyone else, hadn't been in the past, nor has she added any new friends to her FB list. I believe her.

 

Shes full of it. You NEVER believe someone when they dump you because most of them lie to keep you on the backburner. It happens to everyone, and it happens on LS waay too often. You wont find out for another month or so that she was talking to or dating someone else. Especially when she didnt give you a real reason.

 

It could also be that she wasnt really sure about you for a while, but she went along with the engagement anyway for what could be a myriad of dopey reasons. You dont want that back.

 

When she didnt want to work on the problems, is because she thought you werent worth it. Thats what you need to keep in mind when you see her when you pick up your stuff. The iron isnt hot for you right now, assume it will never be again. So if she wants to talk about the relationship, do like GP says. Dont talk to her about ANYTHING unless she wants to work on the problems. She might try to justify her actions and come up with new reasons that she broke it off. She probably wont be specific because like many people on this board, they are too cowardly to tell the real reasons of the breakup because they cant deal with the guilt. So any discussion other than "lets try again" is a complete waste of your time.

 

Get your stuff quickly and get out before you get sucked into anything.

[Graceful]

Something isn't adding up, I don't care how you look at it. She said that it just "didn't feel right", breaks up with you OVER THE PHONE, no wait, she broke your 7-month ENGAGEMENT over the phone, right? This isn't a breakup, this is a broken engagement.

 

Cheesh. What more is there for you to see? She calls you, doesn't have the nerve, the class, the courage of the common COURTESY to get together and face the man she was engaged to to tell him she wanted out? Gives no real reason. Criticizes him for the previous 6 weeks, distancing herself, never actually coming out and saying she's getting cold feet.

 

This isn't love, not the kind of love you want for marriage and a future. She's got it in her head that this isn't what she wants, so why would you want to try to get her back?

 

Sounds like a real prize. I'd be furious if I were in your shoes, that's the difference between me and you and lots of other people on this board. I'd be flat out furious that someone treated me that way.

 

Eddie, GP, and I all agree: no more discussions, no more small talk, she made her bed, now she lies in it. Get your belongings, keep it short sweet and simple. Do not give her one shred of emotion, just be business-like and polite.

 

And don't date. That's crazy. Why date? That's the last thing you need right now. Just chill out, get into therapy, take some of the suggestions in GP's earlier post, and slow down. You just had the rug pulled out from underneath you a few days ago, you need to get your stability and catch your breath. Dating is not going to bring you any peace of mind at all. Let the dust settle, you have a long journey ahead of you to recover. Take care.

Edited June 23, 2011 by Graceful

[brokenheart2012]

Actually, the initial breakup was even worse than that. I asked her to call me so we did talk about it over the phone, but that was only after I was on her FB page and started watching all of our shared photo's disapear, my wall posts, etc. Yes, she initiated the breakup over Facebook. I did tell her that was inappropriate but what difference does it make now. It seems like she didn't have the courage to tell me in person. I was scheduled to come to her house the very next night. She could have waited till then.

 

Yes, I'm very angry, sad, hurt, confused, and a whole other range of emotions. I'm going to try my hardest when I go there tonight not to be emotional. It will be extremely difficult.

[GreenPolicy]

Actually, the initial breakup was even worse than that. I asked her to call me so we did talk about it over the phone, but that was only after I was on her FB page and started watching all of our shared photo's disapear, my wall posts, etc. Yes, she initiated the breakup over Facebook. I did tell her that was inappropriate but what difference does it make now. It seems like she didn't have the courage to tell me in person. I was scheduled to come to her house the very next night. She could have waited till then.

 

Yes, I'm very angry, sad, hurt, confused, and a whole other range of emotions. I'm going to try my hardest when I go there tonight not to be emotional. It will be extremely difficult.

 

I know you are so hurt right now, because I have been there myself. I can tell you that somebody who ends a relationship this way is a VERY immature person and you dodged a bullet by avoiding a marriage with her. What's going to happen when one of you loses a job, or you have to care for a sick child?

 

Right now you are missing the person that you thought she was and all of the benefits that come from being in a relationship. It's like withdrawing from a drug. But in time I think you will come to see that somebody like this is bad marriage material.

[brokenheart2012]

My ex was not confused and was sure she wanted to be engaged until recently. Before we were engaged, she was constantly asking when I was going to pop the question. She would frequently tell me how she couldn't wait to start our new life together, she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, i was THE one for her, and many other affectionate things. That didn't really change until around 6-8 weeks ago when her messages became steadily less affectionate. I have all of our text messages logged so I can see the progression of our relationship just by reviewing the hundreds of short text messages we have sent throughout our relationship. She wasn't immature, she said all the right things, and she was definitely excited about being together as a family.

 

From what I have described in previous posts, I can understand why your responses mention she's immature, disrespectful etc. If I only knew the woman of the last 6 weeks I might agree. I miss the old version of my fiancee. Something changed and I wish I could figure out what it was. When she started withdrawing, I applied some pressure, she may have got scared, and is now confused about what she wants for her future.

 

I did go and get my stuff back tonight. Everything's exchanged so I have no need to see her again. When I finally got her to look at me, she started bawling, she said she was sorry she hurt me a few times, and that she still loved me. She said she missed me a few times. She also said it wasn't the same not being able to talk to me at night. She sounds very confused about what she wants. I didn't stay long. We exchanged our items and sat for a few minutes while she was crying. We didn't talk much. She said this was not what she wanted. Then later she said she needed to figure out what she wants (confusing???).

 

Without me asking she reiterated again that she hasn't cheated, hasn't seen anyone else, and wasn't seeing anyone else. I apologized for my sleep deprived texting frenzy that suggested she left me for another man.

 

I did tell her I would be open to reconcile. She asked me about my plans with friends that I have made for the weekend, and I asked her about her graduate class. When I left, she said talk to you later.

 

So, now I go NC? LC? How long? Do I initiate ANY contact to keep her thinking of me? How long should I continue the LC or NC before it ends up becoming too late and the feelings she expressed tonight start to fade? Should I wait a few weeks and then contact her?

 

Getting my stuff and the ring back was depressing, but just getting to see her briefly also made me feel better. I have a feeling that will fade quickly as reality of not having any plans with her sets in over the coming days.

Edited June 24, 2011 by brokenheart2012

[scarlett27]

to be honest if she was planning on marrying u and she bails out on u like this without a really good reason u need to question that , she should have enough respect for you to tell u the reasons , going round to her house and pleading will notdo u any favours in the long run , also the issue over facebook and u adding 2 friends - is she very insecure and jealous ?? best of luck women like her give us lady's a bad name !