scarlett27 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 and as a woman of 27 i would never have done that to my bloke - u need a reason or reasons - is she on drugs ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenheart2012 Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 to be honest if she was planning on marrying u and she bails out on u like this without a really good reason u need to question that , she should have enough respect for you to tell u the reasons , going round to her house and pleading will notdo u any favours in the long run , also the issue over facebook and u adding 2 friends - is she very insecure and jealous ?? best of luck women like her give us lady's a bad name ! I did NOT plead with her. When I went tonight to get my stuff back I didn't ask her for reasons, or why she did what she did. I kept my end of our conversation to a minimum and only said I would be open to reconciliation. Monday night when she broke up with me we talked about the reasons. I didn't want to push it anymore at this point. When we did talk about it, she couldn't really come up with a good explanation. She said she didn't know, it didn't feel right. Other times when I have asked her about her change in behaviour, she has said she is depressed. I honestly don't think she knows what's going on. I wish she did, and I wish she could have explained it better to me. Again I think part of it is she was getting cold feet, scared, and the pressure I was applying probably didn't help. I basically said I would like her to make up her mind if she was in this relationship 100% or not. She warned that I was pushing and asked how long I would continue. I told her I would continue until something changed because she wasn't contributing. And I did continue. Basically I told her I didn't want to wait forever for her to decide what she wants. I suspect that wasn't helpful. But I didn't want to continue in a luke-warm relationship, especially knowing how much better the relationship used to be. I really missed her affection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenheart2012 Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 and as a woman of 27 i would never have done that to my bloke - u need a reason or reasons - is she on drugs ? No, she hates using medications and rarely if ever even drinks alcohol. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I will ever understand what happened. I guess if it is another guy I will find out at some point. I really don't think that's the case. Why does she keep going out of her way to make sure I know she's not interested in seeing anyone else? Link to post Share on other sites
scarlett27 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 sorry i did not read the post wehre u said yoy had been around , ok so u have walked out then with dignity you must remember that u have also kinda said i will not wait around for u forever which i think was an excelent move , u will miss her affection etc , all of us who have a breakup miss things like that , but better u know now what kind of person she is before its too late , good luck i really hope u get what u want as u sound like a very nice bloke Link to post Share on other sites
scarlett27 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 broken is there a chance she is pregnant ? i really cannot understand what could be so bad that she can not give u a reason , has she met someone else at work > it just seems strange behaviour all my friends are in their late 20s and early 3os and the women would always be straight with a bloke when finishing , i as a woman dont get why she cant give u areason Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenheart2012 Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 sorry i did not read the post wehre u said yoy had been around , ok so u have walked out then with dignity you must remember that u have also kinda said i will not wait around for u forever which i think was an excelent move , u will miss her affection etc , all of us who have a breakup miss things like that , but better u know now what kind of person she is before its too late , good luck i really hope u get what u want as u sound like a very nice bloke Thanks. I don't think the door is completely closed to reconcilling with her. I'm still pretty confused right now from all of this too. Maybe after some time I will decide I shouldn't take her back even if she offers. I need to sort this out. This is not fun! Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenheart2012 Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 broken is there a chance she is pregnant ? i really cannot understand what could be so bad that she can not give u a reason , has she met someone else at work > it just seems strange behaviour all my friends are in their late 20s and early 3os and the women would always be straight with a bloke when finishing , i as a woman dont get why she cant give u areason It's very unlikely that she's pregnant. I agree with you. It's very frustrating to me that I don't have better answers from her as to what's going on. I have never mistreated her. I don't yell at her, I'm not manipulative, coercive etc. I'm not perfect, and I have asked her if there's something that I could be doing better. But I don't think it has much to do with me. Link to post Share on other sites
scarlett27 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 NO its defo not fun , its stressful , heartbreaking , heartaching , full of angst , full of worry , full of what did i do , full of that makes sense now , trust me we all been there , and ur right , i was like that when my ex dumped me i would of done anything to keep him, when he finallymade his mind up to have me back i was stronger in myself , validated myself more and my own self worth and thought if u can get rid of me so easily with a lame excuse then really you are not what im looking for in a long term adult relationship x Link to post Share on other sites
scarlett27 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 i really dont think its u either hun i really think she has some sort of issue going on in her own life Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenheart2012 Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 to be honest if she was planning on marrying u and she bails out on u like this without a really good reason u need to question that , she should have enough respect for you to tell u the reasons , going round to her house and pleading will notdo u any favours in the long run , also the issue over facebook and u adding 2 friends - is she very insecure and jealous ?? best of luck women like her give us lady's a bad name ! The two friends that I added which upset her were two people I had previously deleted at her request because it made her uncomfortable. It's understandable because they were both women that were from my dating past. I haven't spoke with them in a few years. I removed them at her request and when she broke up with me I refriended them. Technically she has no say anymore as to who I'm friends with but I found it interesting that it still bothered her. She can't see my page anymore at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenPolicy Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Her actions and words don't line up. Shes crying about being without you, she says she misses you, she says she doesn't want the breakup to happen...so what's the problem, then? All that can be rectified by reconciling. She seems unstable and immature. I'd tell her the same I told my ex: you're willing to do what it takes to fix things, be it couples counseling, etc. And if she isn't interested in that, then you go NC and heal. The first time she sends you a bread crumb, tell her " I have respected your decision to end the relationship. If you are not interested in reconciling, then please stop contacting me and respect my need to heal." She gets 100 percent of you or she gets nothing. Her behavior is bizarre. Link to post Share on other sites
keepsmilin74 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 You said she was pursued you initially, then she became distant so you pursued her and you think you smothered her. Due to her reaction to your facebook refriends, I suspect she wasn't smothered, you just weren't doing enough or the right way of pursuing to show you are really committed. Without more detail on what you do, this is a complete guess. You two don't seem to communicate very well. Is there any chance you could go to counselling together, maybe a 3rd party can coax the truth out of you both and get the other to hear it. What were the reasons for your previous marriage breakups? Perhaps there's a clue there. FWIW, I think there is a very good chance for you guys you just need to iron the details out first, truthfully, however painfully. Link to post Share on other sites
Graceful Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 The two friends that I added which upset her were two people I had previously deleted at her request because it made her uncomfortable. It's understandable because they were both women that were from my dating past. I haven't spoke with them in a few years. I removed them at her request and when she broke up with me I refriended them. Technically she has no say anymore as to who I'm friends with but I found it interesting that it still bothered her. She can't see my page anymore at this point. She has a child, so she is a parent and a role model. She broke her engagement with you on FB. Then again over the phone. So that's mature? I'm glad her child is too young to understand, at least I hope so. Go back and read my post. She realized she isn't ready to get married again. Not to you, or anyone. The two of you moved way too fast. She decided to dive in and regretted it. She was in love with love, more than she is in love with you. She got cold feet because she realized that. She didn't tell you b/c she is afraid to tell you the truth. If she were deeply in love with you and ready for marriage, do you think you would have needed to chase her or keep after her? Do you think she would have bailed on you? She was wearing a mask, pretending to be something she is not. She wanted to love you enough to marry you, but she doesn't. I love you doesn't mean I want to marry you. I love you doesn't mean I am dedicated to you. Stop contact, go NC, and begin recovery. Unless she comes back and wants to try again and is willing to get into counseling and can say to your FACE she wants to get back on track, being in contact with her is injurious to you. It kills, I know, very painful time for you. But there's nothing you can do to change her back to the person you thought you knew, and remember, this is the REAL PERSON, it's her, you just didn't know she was capable of treating you this way, and that she was not honest with you. She wasn't honest. Dress it up, dress it down. I don't care what she was like 6 months ago, that's useless to you now. See her for who she is TODAY. And go NC for your own sanity. A man your age should not be groveling or figuring out strategies to be with someone who treated you this poorly. It sounds like you can't do anything right for this woman. All she does is make you feel insecure, needy and confused. Is that what you want? I didn't think so. Very sorry for your heart ache. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenheart2012 Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 Actually, she has two kids, girl of 9 and boy almost 5. The boy and I bonded very well. It's quite sad, I'm afraid he won't understand this and he may think that I abandoned him. The 9 year old understands more than you would expect for her age. As for communication, I tried to communicate with her about this on more than one occasion. I tried to be honest and open about my feelings and told her that there wasn't enough support for the relationship from her. She told me more than once that she was going to work on making it better, but it only got worse. I asked her if she was going to end it over a month ago when I saw the trend that was occuring. She denied it till the day she left, keeping me in limbo for over a month. As for my previous relationship endings, in both my marriages I was abandoned by my wife. Mostly I think it had to do with alcohol in those cases. This time I chose someone who had very little to do with alcohol. Still, same end result. I guess I should be getting used to this. The women I am choosing seem to have trouble staying comitted. My attitude has always been if two people want to work to make things better then it can work. I am stable and comitted. My parents are still together. I treat my partner with love and respect. IDK why this keeps happening to me. Wrong choice in partner? Bad luck? I thought it would be better this time because she said and did ALL the right things to show she was interested, comitted, in love, excited about our future, etc., until the May timeframe when things changed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenheart2012 Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 Her actions and words don't line up. Shes crying about being without you, she says she misses you, she says she doesn't want the breakup to happen...so what's the problem, then? All that can be rectified by reconciling. She seems unstable and immature. I'd tell her the same I told my ex: you're willing to do what it takes to fix things, be it couples counseling, etc. And if she isn't interested in that, then you go NC and heal. The first time she sends you a bread crumb, tell her " I have respected your decision to end the relationship. If you are not interested in reconciling, then please stop contacting me and respect my need to heal." She gets 100 percent of you or she gets nothing. Her behavior is bizarre. I agree, it has been bizarre lately. I think she kept the door open for reconciling based on last night. But when I mentioned it, she did say something about it not being fair to me after she hurt me in that way. I think she knows she screwed up, and that I may not trust her as much in the future if she asked to try again. IDK. I'm still confused about the whole thing. I haven't contacted her since I left her house, but it's been less than 24 hours. It's going to be very hard for me but I'm going to try NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenheart2012 Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) Go back and read my post. She realized she isn't ready to get married again. Not to you, or anyone. The two of you moved way too fast. She decided to dive in and regretted it. That there may be it. She was practically begging to get engaged before it happened. And when I trace back our text messages, the distance from her didn't start until the May timeframe of this year. In fact just in March she was dropping hints and saying things like "let's get married next week". In April she whispered to me she wanted to get married, spend the rest of her life with me, and have a child with me. When I have discussed her distance with her in the recent past however, she told me she has been unhappy and felt somewhat depressed for longer than that. She showed no signs of this to me in the form of distance. She told me that it's been around 6 months since she has felt unhappy. Well....what happened a little over 6 months ago? We got engaged. I did mention that to her last night. I told her maybe she wasn't ready to be engaged. She just said, "I don't know." Edited June 24, 2011 by brokenheart2012 Link to post Share on other sites
GreenPolicy Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Actually, she has two kids, girl of 9 and boy almost 5. The boy and I bonded very well. It's quite sad, I'm afraid he won't understand this and he may think that I abandoned him. The 9 year old understands more than you would expect for her age. As for communication, I tried to communicate with her about this on more than one occasion. I tried to be honest and open about my feelings and told her that there wasn't enough support for the relationship from her. She told me more than once that she was going to work on making it better, but it only got worse. I asked her if she was going to end it over a month ago when I saw the trend that was occuring. She denied it till the day she left, keeping me in limbo for over a month. As for my previous relationship endings, in both my marriages I was abandoned by my wife. Mostly I think it had to do with alcohol in those cases. This time I chose someone who had very little to do with alcohol. Still, same end result. I guess I should be getting used to this. The women I am choosing seem to have trouble staying comitted. My attitude has always been if two people want to work to make things better then it can work. I am stable and comitted. My parents are still together. I treat my partner with love and respect. IDK why this keeps happening to me. Wrong choice in partner? Bad luck? I thought it would be better this time because she said and did ALL the right things to show she was interested, comitted, in love, excited about our future, etc., until the May timeframe when things changed. I would check out How to Get The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix: http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Couples/dp/0060972920 We often, and usually, seek out partners that remind us of our parents, and not necessarily our opposite sex parent. I realize now that I have been seeking out women that are in some ways female versions of my dad. If you keep getting with unstable women, then there is something there that is attracting you to them. My ex is extremely physically attractive, so that was definitely a big part of why we initially got together. But she's not the only physically attractive female in the universe and I've had no trouble getting with women just as pretty as her. I realize now I have a knight in shining armor/Captain Save a Ho complex. From the beginning based on what she told me, it was obvious she had a traumatic past, both her childhood and her previous dating history, and I realize now on some level her perceived vulnerability animated something in me. I'm an ACOA and I have caretaker tendencies because of that. I wanted to be the guy that she never had before. She was too immature to handle having a good guy. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenPolicy Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I agree, it has been bizarre lately. I think she kept the door open for reconciling based on last night. But when I mentioned it, she did say something about it not being fair to me after she hurt me in that way. I think she knows she screwed up, and that I may not trust her as much in the future if she asked to try again. IDK. I'm still confused about the whole thing. I haven't contacted her since I left her house, but it's been less than 24 hours. It's going to be very hard for me but I'm going to try NC. Well, if you told her you were willing to do couples counseling and you want to fix the relationship, and she's still being wishy-washy and flaky, then you go NC. NC is the option of last resort when there's no more hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenheart2012 Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 I have nothing to do, and I'm not even interested in doing anything. I can't stop thinking about my ex-finacee. It's only been 24 hours since I saw her when I picked up my stuff. No contact since then. This is crazy. Just last night she told me she still loved me, she missed me, it's not the same without being able to talk to me, and that this wasn't what she wanted for us either. So why are we in this situation then? If she loves me, misses me, and didn't want this for us, and if we're both miserable over it, can't we put an end to this and get started on a new improved relationship? I don't want to wait months for something to change, or for her to contact me, or before I can contact her. This just happened Monday night....does it really have to be that difficult to repair this given the feelings we both have for each other? I'm still so confused and heartbroken. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 The bottom line is, shes doing this because she doesnt want to be with you right now. Why did she push you for engagement? Because you might have been a long term rebound. Maybe she was extremely lonely and heartbroken after her last husband or boyfriend, and jumped in to your relationship headfirst to fill the void. When people do that, they arent truly into you, they are just still getting over the last person. Maybe she pushed you for marriage because her friends or relatives were getting married around her? maybe someone left her and she wanted the security? All I know is this. It sounds like she needed the security before realizing that she didnt want it from you. People have all kinds of agendas that they dont let you know about. I still think that she either: wanted something secure besides an engagement, or she found someone she would rather be with. If she found someone else, then it sounds like you were a rebound relationship, or a placeholder. Im now leaning towards placeholder so that she wouldnt be alone until she found someone she thought was a better fit. Damn that sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenheart2012 Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 (edited) The bottom line is, shes doing this because she doesnt want to be with you right now. Why did she push you for engagement? Because you might have been a long term rebound. Maybe she was extremely lonely and heartbroken after her last husband or boyfriend, and jumped in to your relationship headfirst to fill the void. When people do that, they arent truly into you, they are just still getting over the last person. Maybe she pushed you for marriage because her friends or relatives were getting married around her? maybe someone left her and she wanted the security? All I know is this. It sounds like she needed the security before realizing that she didnt want it from you. People have all kinds of agendas that they dont let you know about. I still think that she either: wanted something secure besides an engagement, or she found someone she would rather be with. If she found someone else, then it sounds like you were a rebound relationship, or a placeholder. Im now leaning towards placeholder so that she wouldnt be alone until she found someone she thought was a better fit. Damn that sucks. Those are very good points. I didn't find this out right away but it turns out that whenI started dating her she had recently been dumped by a BF she had been seeing for 6-8 months or so. She later told me she was devastated by this. Even though she practically was begging for an engagement, I now see that it must have been a mistake, as her claimed "unhappiness" set in shortly after that time, even though it didn't show up towards me until much later. I still don't think it's another guy....but I'm not totally closed to the possibility. IF it's the case I should be able to figure it out in the next month or so. Edited June 25, 2011 by brokenheart2012 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenheart2012 Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 I suspect that the reason she chose FB to break our engagement was that she didn't have the courage to say it to me in person. Based on the things she told me Thursday, she still has strong feelings for me which makes this all the more difficult to understand. Meeting good friends for dinner tonight. I don't feel like doing anything but I'm forcing myself. I'm afraid I'm not going to be very good company. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenheart2012 Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 Still NC from her or myself. I typed a text message "I miss you. It feels like a part of me is missing". I waited a few minutes fighting the urge to send it. I finally deleted without sending. Link to post Share on other sites
keepsmilin74 Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 Hmm, still going by my theory in my last reply that you haven't shown her (somehow she has no idea) how much you really love her. You didn't send your message. I wonder if you aren't demonstrative of your love and affection and that's why she got cold feet. What if you should let her read this thread? Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenheart2012 Posted June 26, 2011 Author Share Posted June 26, 2011 IHmm, still going by my theory in my last reply that you haven't shown her (somehow she has no idea) how much you really love her. You didn't send your message. I wonder if you aren't demonstrative of your love and affection and that's why she got cold feet. What if you should let her read this thread? I told her that I. Loved her frequently. I did nice things for her constantly. As a matter of fact earlier in the relationship she frequently told me how happy she was that she KNEW I loved her. Do you really think it would be a good idea for me to send her. A link to this thread???? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts