Fiancee left me, im devastated

[brokenheart2012]

Broken did u say she told u your engagment was off over facebook ??????????????????????????????????????//

 

Yes unfortunately. I noticed our tagged photos disappearing while refreshing her page. I don't think she had the courage or strength to tell me in person. If I was in front of her I'm guessing she would have backed down.

[brokenheart2012]

broken if i was ur gf and i saw this i got to be honest i would not be impressed - i personally wuld not send it , or if u do mabye go back and edit some of the stuff

 

Although I'm open and certainly appreciative of everyones ideas I'm not inclined to share this with her at this time.

 

Still miserable.

[brokenheart2012]

BROKEN PLEASE STOP DEGRADING URSELF ANY FURTHER , she let u know ur engagment was off via facebook ?? just charming , very mature and very responsible - dont send her anything u dodged a bullet please dont contact her

 

I haven't contacted her but it doesn't make this any easier. None of you know the wonderful loving person she used to be. I know that version of her is probably gone forever but its still unbearable.

[Graceful]

I

 

I told her that I. Loved her frequently. I did nice things for her constantly. As a matter of fact earlier in the relationship she frequently told me how happy she was that she KNEW I loved her.

 

Do you really think it would be a good idea for me to send her. A link to this thread????

Do not, I repeat, do not send her the link to this thread or any communication whatsoever. Are you serious? You were dumped, not the other way around. She broke up with you. She has no right to know what's on your mind. She crushed you. And gave you no clear reasons. She didn't have the courtesy, respect for you, let alone the sheer grit to just sit you down and tell you.

 

Cheesh. It's only been a few days, you have to take this one day at a time, and you have a long road ahead of you.

 

She got in over her head. She wanted to be wanted, loved, desired, and you fulfilled all of that. You came in and swept her off her feet.

 

But guess what? She has two children who probably come first, and she knew she couldn't risk another divorce.

 

The unvarnished truth is that she loved the way you made her FEEL. She loved being loved, desired, desirable, wanted and needed -- she has to have a lot of insecurity after two divorces and being a single parent. So you came along and took away (on the surface) her insecurities, and you made her feel good about herself.

 

I am telling you this for your own good. She loved the way you made her feel more than she loved you as a person. When you got engaged, the gig was up. She realized that she was going to have to actually be responsible for your feelings, too. And for YOU. And that's when she began to turn off, get depressed and detach. She got in touch with that dark place inside of her with her failed marriages. And she never made a comeback.

 

So for your own sake, no groveling, no pleading, no messaging, no nuthin. If anyone is going to do any begging, it needs to be her. She broke up with you. Get a grip, please. And for the love of God, don't show her this thread. A guilt trip or making her feel sorry for you is the last thing you need. Take care.

[keepsmilin74]

No, I can't be sure about showing her this thread at this time either, but food for thought... In general (not saying this is true for you) men aren't as demonstrative as women, so when you think you are being affectionate enough, it's only a scratch on the surface for women.

 

There are no third parties involved, and though that's not the only reason people can never get back together, I think this means you are relatively "safe" to "have a break" and get thoughts sorted in your heads. Then when you have the words, communicate them to each other. Individual and couples counsellong would be good, at least read some books... Several I found recommended here I have on order myself

[brokenheart2012]

Do not, I repeat, do not send her the link to this thread or any communication whatsoever. Are you serious? You were dumped, not the other way around. She broke up with you. She has no right to know what's on your mind. She crushed you. And gave you no clear reasons. She didn't have the courtesy, respect for you, let alone the sheer grit to just sit you down and tell you.

 

Cheesh. It's only been a few days, you have to take this one day at a time, and you have a long road ahead of you.

 

She got in over her head. She wanted to be wanted, loved, desired, and you fulfilled all of that. You came in and swept her off her feet.

 

But guess what? She has two children who probably come first, and she knew she couldn't risk another divorce.

 

The unvarnished truth is that she loved the way you made her FEEL. She loved being loved, desired, desirable, wanted and needed -- she has to have a lot of insecurity after two divorces and being a single parent. So you came along and took away (on the surface) her insecurities, and you made her feel good about herself.

 

I am telling you this for your own good. She loved the way you made her feel more than she loved you as a person. When you got engaged, the gig was up. She realized that she was going to have to actually be responsible for your feelings, too. And for YOU. And that's when she began to turn off, get depressed and detach. She got in touch with that dark place inside of her with her failed marriages. And she never made a comeback.

 

So for your own sake, no groveling, no pleading, no messaging, no nuthin. If anyone is going to do any begging, it needs to be her. She broke up with you. Get a grip, please. And for the love of God, don't show her this thread. A guilt trip or making her feel sorry for you is the last thing you need. Take care.

 

Thanks for your honesty. You're very inciteful. When I was still in contact with he after breakup I told her that I didn't regret meeting her but I do regret asking her to marry me. She said she had no regrets. It was probably a mistake for me to tell her that however I was angry and venting.

[brokenheart2012]

No, I can't be sure about showing her this thread at this time either, but food for thought... In general (not saying this is true for you) men aren't as demonstrative as women, so when you think you are being affectionate enough, it's only a scratch on the surface for women.

 

There are no third parties involved, and though that's not the only reason people can never get back together, I think this means you are relatively "safe" to "have a break" and get thoughts sorted in your heads. Then when you have the words, communicate them to each other. Individual and couples counsellong would be good, at least read some books... Several I found recommended here I have on order myself

 

That's my hope at this time. Seeing her Thursday night made me realize she still has feelings for me and she seemed just as upset by it as I was. Part of me knows this can't be true as her actions showed me she doesn't want me. This all just doesn't add up. If she misses me, still loves me and didn't want this like she said, why did she do what she did?

[keepsmilin74]

Why? Some feelings just aren't rational they are painful, ridiculous and *knowing* that makes one feel even worse, so it's a vicious circle.

 

You're hurt and told her you regret asking her to marry you, give yourself a break about that. You both still want to be together, it's possible too. You're taking some time to think, which is good.

[whichwayisup]

Still NC from her or myself. I typed a text message "I miss you. It feels like a part of me is missing". I waited a few minutes fighting the urge to send it. I finally deleted without sending.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

To help you stay in no contact mode with her. I am sorry for your pain and I cannot believe the disrespect she has for you by ending things on facebook! WTF. This is a grown woman and you two were going to get married, she ends it on fb???

 

I read through your thread. It seems like she's got tons of issues and as much as you love her, she isn't long term material, nor wife material. I'm sure she's a sweet person and all, obviously you fell in love with her for many reasons, but she is messed up inside, and even though it kills you that things have ended, it may be for the best.. I know you can't see that now though.

 

I

 

I told her that I. Loved her frequently. I did nice things for her constantly. As a matter of fact earlier in the relationship she frequently told me how happy she was that she KNEW I loved her.

 

Do you really think it would be a good idea for me to send her. A link to this thread????

 

Nope. LS is your private place to talk and get help. Her reading here will be something you'll regret at some point.

 

DO NOT SEND HER THE LINK to this page! That would be a huge mistake!

[ON MY OWN]

This sounds so much like my ex. Who jerked me around the same way she is to you. Sorry....I do tend to agree with the advice on here. Trust me on this one....you will be much better off starting your healing process now and not letting your heart take anymore blows. Yes, she could have slowed it down...but instead when the going got tough, she got going.

 

My ex did the same thing to me. He cried and hugged me and said he didnt know if he made the right choice to break up with me, blah...blah...blah.

He bought me engagement ring and took me to pick out my wedding ring also with him. Less than 3 weeks later he broke up with me after I moved to another state to start a life together with him. He even asked if when I move back to my home state if I would let him come for me. Almost making it sound romantic. SICK is what is was!

 

Now mind you.....I moved back to home state....sister gets cancer, and I am able to be there for her. She is now cancer free, luckily! Was able to provide moral support along with the rest of the family as well as be there regardless of the outcome. Reconnected with a gradeschool crush and have been with him ever since. WOW. I let the healing begin finally. I was DEEPLY depressed and saw my worth as so low. I did a few counseling trips and with the love of family and a few close friends who saw it for what it was, I was able to get the old me back. I even went back to school and am going to graduate with my degree in a few months. I am not tooting my own horn or trying to take over the thread by any means....I just thought by sharing my story with you it can help you in some way. If I can help one person by feeling as low and lifeless as I did from a man that cared so little about me then I am grateful. I do believe everything does happen for a reason. We dont always know the reason right away, but in time we always do.

 

Hold your head up high....dont bat an eyelash, IMO and get your stuff from her...tell her your done with her games and move on. She has no right to complain about any women etc..she broke up with you. Your a "free agent", so to speak. She gave up that right by breaking up. There is no grey area the last I knew...a breakup is a breakup. She is playing games with your heart and jerking you around. I see it...I have been there and my heart definitely goes out to you. Whatever strength you have hold onto that and dont let her zap it from you. Noone should have to put up with games like this.

 

This forum helped me get through plenty of lonely hopeless nights btw. There is such a fantastic group of people on LS who care.

 

Hugs...you will need plenty of them.

Edited June 26, 2011 by ON MY OWN

[Graceful]

That's my hope at this time. Seeing her Thursday night made me realize she still has feelings for me and she seemed just as upset by it as I was. Part of me knows this can't be true as her actions showed me she doesn't want me. This all just doesn't add up. If she misses me, still loves me and didn't want this like she said, why did she do what she did?

 

First, let me say that you're in a mid-life crisis along with the crushed and broken heart. You've got two marriages that didn't work out in your history, and now a broken engagement. To say you have been unlucky at love is an understatement. Seek counseling and get some of your issues ironed out. Don't just focus on your ex, that would be a huge mistake on your part.

 

Maybe this was unavoidable, she had you so fooled that she was secure and sincere, but the truth is that she got wrapped up in some girlhood notions of being rescued and you fit the bill, right on cue.

 

Now listen.

 

This all just doesn't add up. If she misses me, still loves me and didn't want this like she said, why did she do what she did?

She "still" loves you? Okay, so what if she does? Does that mean she wants to marry you? Does that mean she wants to be responsible for you? Does that mean she wants to share her life with her children with you? Does that mean she is madly in love with you? Does that mean she can back up the words with actions? Does that mean she is mature enough to handle herself in times of trouble? Do you see where I am going with this?

 

"I love you" means nothing. They're just three words that people say all the time without having any idea what responsibility is attached to them. It's just not a big deal to some people.

 

Is sex a big deal to everyone? No it is not. Some people have sex the way they have breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's just a routine.

 

So stop hitting your head against the wall. That's gotta hurt, if it doesn't already.

 

Dumpers never realize how much it's going to hurt after they break up. Your ex is hurting and she has NO RIGHT to make you feel bad about her, let alone cause you more confusion than you already feel.

 

I am furious with this woman. Why aren't you? She's been feeling badly for 6 months and in all that time she couldn't say anything to you directly? She was going to marry you for crying out loud. Cheesh, this was a disaster waiting to happen, and you should be glad she showed you her true colors now before you had to call your divorce attorney again some where down the road.

 

She "loves" you, but wanted to stay in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, where kids stay. She "loves" you but did not want to be responsible for you. She "loves" you but criticized you and wanted to change you. She "loves" you but wore a mask of deceit until the end when she showed you her true colors.

 

She "misses" the way you made her feel. She "missed" your company. She "misses" your friendship. And on and on. But SO WHAT? She threw the baby out with the bathwater, without thinking and without discussing it with YOU. That's all she had to do. But she didn't.

 

So do not allow these thoughts to permeate your mind. She will emotionally string you along if you do, and your return on that? ZERO.

 

Feel bad now? Well, if you allow yourself to be strung along you can double, no triple, no quadruple ... that feeling. See what I mean? Read some of the stories on the LS board. There is no end to this sort of thing. People who are planning a wedding one day, and dumped the next. People who move to other states, countries, pick up and leave their jobs, change their lives ... and dumped a week later. Your jaw will drop if you read some of the stories here.

 

We're all telling you the same thing. And you're a way grown up man, too, not a kid. So act your age. Put yourself first. Yes, it kills right now, and this will not be easy, but if she wants you, she knows where to find you. And even if she does --- listen to those who have come before you.

 

Want a nice big pain doubleheader? I didn't think so.

 

Keep NC, get into counseling, read some of the books that have been recommended to you, and stay the course. Take care.

[mtd4249]

heartbroken -- maybe your ex is suffering a midlife crisis? I'm convinced my ex who left me 5 months ago after 16 good years of relationship is going through a major midlife crisis meltdown. The vague unhappiness or not feeling right reason for ending a relationship, the apparent contradiction and confusion in what they do and say - are all symptoms of a midlife crisis. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do ... sounds like she is on an emotional rollercoaster and you need to get off so you don't get any more whiplash than you already have. It's a real shame when someone you loved (and still love) suddenly goes off the rails and becomes someone you can't recognize .... and it's the old horse to water scenario. She made the decision to leave you, so the decision to reconcile has to be hers. There's nothing you can do or say that will change her mind ... for your own sake, distance yourself, maintain NC for your own sanity and don't hold on to false hope of reconciling with her. If she does eventually come to you and want to reassemble the relationship then the balls will be in your court. But, maybe by then you will have moved on and found new happiness with or without someone else.

[brokenheart2012]

Midlife crisis....yeah it's possible. Almost anythings possible with how little I know.

 

Day 3 of NC since I last saw her while picking up my stuff and hearing her tell me she still loved me and she missed me.

 

No messages from me or her. This has to be incredibly difficult for her as well.

 

Day 3 seems even more difficult than yesterday. At least yesterday I saw my family and hung out with friends to occupy my time. Today I'm sitting at home. I put one of the shirts on from the box I brought back from her house. It was a t-shirt that I told her she could have because she wanted to wear one of my shirts when I wasn't there. It smells like her and her house. I probably should just burn this t-shirt.

 

I know it's too soon to date, but what about a casual no strings attached date? I need something to stay busy and keep my occupied. I don't have children of my own so it's pretty lonely for me right now.

[GreenPolicy]

 

She "loves" you, but wanted to stay in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, where kids stay. She "loves" you but did not want to be responsible for you. She "loves" you but wore a mask of deceit until the end when she showed you her true colors.

 

She "misses" the way you made her feel. She "missed" your company. She "misses" your friendship. And on and on. But SO WHAT? She threw the baby out with the bathwater, without thinking and without discussing it with YOU. That's all she had to do. But she didn't.

 

 

I feel like what you're saying here could apply to my ex.

[GreenPolicy]

 

I know it's too soon to date, but what about a casual no strings attached date? I need something to stay busy and keep my occupied. I don't have children of my own so it's pretty lonely for me right now.

 

Hang out with your friends. Do your parents live close by? You can volunteer at a hospital, animal shelter or Habitat for Humanity. If you're religious, go to church. If not, start going to CODA meetings.

 

You can do what you want, but you're not going to be emotionally available to date for about 3-6 months. You shouldn't date at all until the separation anxiety and shock wears off. That's not fair to other people who are ready for something.

[MidnightinMadrid]

She's mid 30's and I'm 40. She wasn't secretive about her laptop or phone. She had been increasingly difficult to get ahold of over the last few weeks. Messages, voicemails were returned increasingly slowly. She often didn't answer the phone.

 

She started out being the agressor in the relationship. At some point in the past few months, that changed. She started slowly withdrawing. I thought we were to the point where I could avoid games (she withdraws so I should withdraw too), and instead I tried the direct approach of talking to her about what was going on, and asking her for more support in the relationship. Well, that backfired. The more I talked about it, the worse it got.

 

 

Give me a Cand a O and M and Mand a .I and T and a M and E. N and a T. PHOBIC!

Put it together it spell Commitmentphobic! Read 'He said She said' by Steven Sokol and Julie Carter I believe. The book pinpoint everything you mentioned. About the commitment shy person comming strong then withdrawing making you wonder if this is for real,is it all in your head and what have you done?

Usually people like that are also controlfreaks they want to call the shot in the relationship. Thats why her breaking up is her exerting her power and control and texting you is still controlling lettingyou know he she's in control. So watch what you say or do,twist yourself into a pretzel to please her. Last but not least,walk on eggshells,because remember,in her mind its 'I broke up with you,I ended it,so I have the power to evaluate what you do or dont do'.

 

If you want to continue to be the pawn of that kind of game go ahead and play that game. That way you can always come up short or at the losing end while she feeds you crumbs expecting you work harder to get it.

Or you can move on and find a Equal and Two sided relationship that is mutually fullfilling where one person,neither her or you call the shots.

 

if it was me I'd rather go for the second choice.

Edited June 26, 2011 by MidnightinMadrid

[MidnightinMadrid]

[ I realize now I have a knight in shining armor/Captain Save a Ho complex.'

 

Greenpolicy,That itself is Classic! Thats a good one.

[brokenheart2012]

 

Give me a Cand a O and M and Mand a .I and T and a M and E. N and a T. PHOBIC!

Put it together it spell Commitmentphobic! Read 'He said She said' by Steven Sokol and Julie Carter I believe. The book pinpoint everything you mentioned. About the commitment shy person comming strong then withdrawing making you wonder if this is for real,is it all in your head and what have you done?

Usually people like that are also controlfreaks they want to call the shot in the relationship. Thats why her breaking up is her exerting her power and control and texting you is still controlling lettingyou know he she's in control. So watch what you say or do,twist yourself into a pretzel to please her. Last but not least,walk on eggshells,because remember,in her mind its 'I broke up with you,I ended it,so I have the power to evaluate what you do or dont do'.

 

If you want to continue to be the pawn of that kind of game go ahead and play that game. That way you can always come up short or at the losing end while she feeds you crumbs expecting you work harder to get it.

Or you can move on and find a Equal and Two sided relationship that is mutually fullfilling where one person,neither her or you call the shots.

 

if it was me I'd rather go for the second choice.

 

I just read that word in another article today and I was shocked at how closely the description matched her actions. This describes her very well:

 

 

The commitment phobic will usually:

 

• come on strong in the beginning. They will be very 'smitten' on you, far

more than you are of them, making them appear to be almost vulnerable

• convey that you are “special” unlike any other they have ever known[/sIZE]

•go out of their way to impress you. All glitz

• make personal sacrifices to be with you. Calls you just to say, "Hi"

• make direct statements of their dreams of a future: includes you in the dream

• convey the message that they are seeking a permanent, or serious relationship

• have been in many bad relationships, but makes you think that they just

 

never found anyone as 'wonderful' as you

 

• Bends over backwards to win you, often even referring to marriage

 

 

Once the commitment-phobic 'wins' you, they start displaying subtle signs of

disenchantment:

• put your together time on a schedule. Suddenly they have many prior

 

 

commitments to friends, family, work

 

Finds faults or flaws with you, exaggerates faults and flaws with the

 

relationship, and even goes as far as to invent problems, faults, or flaws

 

• Goes as far as trying to turn their partner away by being unbearable,

 

ignorant, or controlling

 

• Displays a 'come here - go away' attitude. The rubber-band effect: they stretch as far away as they can then suddenly spring back, stretch away, spring back

 

They are in it for the chase and when they feel they've won, the chase is over and they become bored

Edited June 26, 2011 by brokenheart2012

[brokenheart2012]

I miss her kids terribly already. We were becoming a family. The youngest one I know is going to have problems with not seeing me. He was always asking when I was going to come next. I'm very sad for them. My ex's actions not only affected us but her kids as well. They're not my kids, I have no claim to them, I'm pretty much screwed there also.

[brokenheart2012]

One thing I shoud have mentioned is this is a LDR. She lives about 1.5 hours away. Hasn't been a problem because I spent almost all of my weekends with her and also usually at least one weekday evening as well. I was looking for employment in her town to allow me to move there. She was thrilled about our future together. I wasn't having any luck with the terrible job market. Last year she asked if I would move there without new employment and make a LONG commute. I didn't ever tell her no, but i did delay doing that hoping I could find a job locally.

 

From the beginning I told her the whole process could take time and she agreed that it was ok. Well, around end of april/beginning of May timeframe she was beginning to say things like "I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon." Showing obvious frustration. I too was tired of waiting so around that time I had a talk with her and I. Offered to move there without new job and make the long commute. She said I hadn't done ANYTHING to show that I was getting prepared to sell my home. So I got towork right away in making the improvements necessary to put the home on the market.

 

The point in this story was around or shortly after the time I told her I would move there is when her noticable distance started occuring.

[MidnightinMadrid]

Read more about commitmentphobics again,since what you wrote before have very very good points.

There is the part that says on the book,that they (The CP's) for short,want you to uproot yourself. Such as her saying you should sell your home and that you havent shown that you have.I hope by the time you wrote this you Didnt do that.

And you are suppose to move there without a new job? Really,what pipe is she smokin'? Just as I said a classic case of them wanting you to do the work while really giving nothing in return.

Thats another example,I had an LDR also and he wanted me to move to South America where he was,imagine I did that? Because no sooner that him and I had a disagreement,he went off to another person. And he's still with the Crow too.

 

The book also stress not to uproot your life,your job,especially for these flaky people,(I added the flaky in). The ones who one day want you and next day dont.

Even if its an LDR makes no difference at all,it didnt make a difference when she was hot in pursuit did it?

 

If anything why doesnt she make the move? Stand your ground,plant yourself,dont bend,sway move or do anything for her. If you read more about commitmentphobic (CP's)behaviour post it again.

Edited June 27, 2011 by MidnightinMadrid

[brokenheart2012]

Day 4 of NC. Still killing me. This is what I WANT to do:

 

Send her a text message to get another conversation started. Then within the conversation tell her I'm going to be in her town in the next few weeks for an appointment at work, ask her if she would like to meet for lunch.

 

My theory: When she sees me in person is when she will be at her "weakest" if last Thursday can be used as a reference. I know she misses me, she said this wasn't what she really wanted. If there's some way I can re-establish a "dating" situation again with her then maybe we can get things re-started slowly???? Maybe she doesn't want to admit she was wrong, doesn't want to contact me right now out of pride? Idk.

 

I haven't sent anything yet, I know it goes against everyones advice. I'm meeting with my therapist tomorrow morning and hope I can find the strength to avoid doing anything stupid before I get the chance to talk this over with him.

[GreenPolicy]

Day 4 of NC. Still killing me. This is what I WANT to do:

 

Send her a text message to get another conversation started. Then within the conversation tell her I'm going to be in her town in the next few weeks for an appointment at work, ask her if she would like to meet for lunch.

 

My theory: When she sees me in person is when she will be at her "weakest" if last Thursday can be used as a reference. I know she misses me, she said this wasn't what she really wanted. If there's some way I can re-establish a "dating" situation again with her then maybe we can get things re-started slowly???? Maybe she doesn't want to admit she was wrong, doesn't want to contact me right now out of pride? Idk.

 

I haven't sent anything yet, I know it goes against everyones advice. I'm meeting with my therapist tomorrow morning and hope I can find the strength to avoid doing anything stupid before I get the chance to talk this over with him.

 

You've told her you want to reconcile and work through any problems you have, right? If that's the case, there's nothing more you can do. You're still in the shock/denial/bargaining phase. Putting on a full-court press to get her back probably won't work. If you've made it clear where you stand and what you want, then you have to go NC. NC is for when there is no hope.

[MidnightinMadrid]

No point,we can all say NC NC, but OP is addicted and cant let go,just go through the motion till he can one day value himself.

 

When someone is being treated poorly,they cant see for themselves,it happens to all of us.

[brokenheart2012]

I haven't done it but it's taking all of my willpower to resist. I am holding out to talk to my therapist tomorrow. My hope is he will help me decide what is best.