broken_hearted Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 my wife filed for divorce and a week later found out she was pregnant with OM's baby. i know it's not mine and was getting use to the thought that we were divorcing because i believe it was for the best, but now the bomb she has dropped on me is tearing me apart. i know this has happened to others on here and just wanted to know how you coped with such pain. i can't eat, sleep or even function at work. i have even had the effed up though of wanting to work things out, but that i will not do. please advise... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 All you can do right now is ride it out. Let your head catch up with your emotions. GET BUSY!!!! Doing anything and everything. Keep your mind engaged elsewhere as much as you can hobbies, friends, work, exercise, whatever works for you. There are also lots of books on the subject of coping with divorce that are worth reading, if you'd like suggestions id be more then happy. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken_hearted Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 we are still communicating a bit via text and email. it's like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. the hard part is it gives me a little self gratification, but puts me into a tailspin and sets me back a few days. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 The consequences of her actions are setting in, forcing her to look at her self in the light of day. What your going through is called a backslide and it won't be the last. it helps to take them time to organize your thoughts, be it here or on your own. Having it in writing to refer to will help you make some sense of the rollercoaster ride your about to go on. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
necrisim Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I had a seven year relationship with the mother of my nine year old girl. Two years ago my wife told me that our second girl, four months at that moment, wasn't mine. I made the DNA test and it showed the girl wasn't mine. Besides the girl looks like his father wich i had seen in pictures only. The bastard hasn't done anything or helped the mother with money. I don't think i deserved that, and although the mother wants to come back i dont think it's worth the try. Point in my favor, i told her to keep going forward after she told me about the baby, but she seemed confused and keep talking with the guy. Even thoug i loved her, i made a decision and separated, it was hard but i have gotten over it. Time is the only thing that has helped me. Well... i have also met other women. That and my friends has been very important during this time. Now i feel a lot better and going out with somebody that cares about me, whereas in the beginning i couldn't sleep, eat or work. Make your decision my friend... Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken_hearted Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 let me paint the entire picture. i was never 100% physically attracted to my wife from day 1. i felt pressured into getting married and did it. although, it may seem that i didn't get married for the right reasons i did love her and hoped that the intimacy would come around. well, it was an ongoing battle through our marriage and she begged me to give her more. she actually told me one time that when people don't get what they want they stray. well, i feel completely responsible for her straying, but also can't get around that she was having an affair and must have been having unprotected sex. now it's a complete mess and i know i need to cut my ties b/c there is another man and child involved. i still love her a lot, but i am completely humiliated and my friends and family would disown me if i ever tried to reconcile things. it has been discussed by both sides that maybe down the road after some time apart and space that who knows what could happen. i am not counting on this, but i have realized how much this hurts and how much i do really love her. it's like a gerry springer epsidode that i'm stuck in and i don't know how to get my head around things. any advice would help this broken heart. Link to post Share on other sites
wth Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I can't really offer any wisdom for you other than to read some of the other threads on here, there is a lot of good advice being offered by people who have earned their knowledge the hard way. Keep posting and good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken_hearted Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 let me also add that she told me that i completely abandoned her for 4 years of our marriage and this is how she is justifying doing what she did. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 let me paint the entire picture. i was never 100% physically attracted to my wife from day 1. i felt pressured into getting married and did it. although, it may seem that i didn't get married for the right reasons i did love her and hoped that the intimacy would come around. well, it was an ongoing battle through our marriage and she begged me to give her more. she actually told me one time that when people don't get what they want they stray. well, i feel completely responsible for her straying, but also can't get around that she was having an affair and must have been having unprotected sex. now it's a complete mess and i know i need to cut my ties b/c there is another man and child involved. i still love her a lot, but i am completely humiliated and my friends and family would disown me if i ever tried to reconcile things. it has been discussed by both sides that maybe down the road after some time apart and space that who knows what could happen. i am not counting on this, but i have realized how much this hurts and how much i do really love her. it's like a gerry springer epsidode that i'm stuck in and i don't know how to get my head around things. any advice would help this broken heart. The only person who can tell you whats right and whats wrong is you. If your cutting her off because what your friends and family will think, or because what your afraid it will say about you, then your not being fair to your self. Its deciding what you want. You have been betrayed, no question, and you have a lot of hurt to process, but if you want to reconcile then thats between you and her and nobody else. If that is the last straw, well then your fully in your right, and nobody can fault you, she stepped out and these are the consequences of that selfishness and disregard for your feelings. Once you can make a calm definitive decision in which direction you want to go, things get a lot easier (not easy but easier). TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken_hearted Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 ty! i feel that i need to distance myself and try moving forward as hard as that will be. i truly believe that if things are meant to be they will come back around. i don't know that i will ever be able to fully forgive her, but i never say never. i know that time will heal and it'll take a lot of time to get there. i don't wish this on anyone. thanks for listening... Link to post Share on other sites
wth Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I saw an awesome quote on the forums here, let me paraphrase it. "Time by itself heals nothing, it's what you do with that time that matters" Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken_hearted Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 i like that and wrote it down. i am going to try and live by that. thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Then it is time to allow yourself to detach. Time to start working on you and time to start healing the wounds. Its tough and it will go against every instinct you have, but it will only way to break through the haze and try to do so and in as kind and as gentle a way possible, although she wronged you, this will hurt her just as much as it hurts you. .... keep posting. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
miclebarbossa Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 A while ago I published about a problem I was having to the woman that now is my ex. She cheated with this 21 year old guy-got std from him. Link to post Share on other sites
findingmeagain Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Why would you marry a woman you are not physically attracted to?? I can't even comprehend that!!! Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 let me also add that she told me that i completely abandoned her for 4 years of our marriage and this is how she is justifying doing what she did. Cheaters script I'm willing to bet you that the marriage problems were 50/50 you and her, but the affair is 100% her fault. Therefore kick her to the kerb, Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 (edited) bh Listen to the words of wisdom from my friend Tojaz, he has a gift of cutting through the junk and getting to the marrow I understand the part about being humilated. I caught my ex in the arms of the OM. Unlike you, I was totally attracted to my ex, before I met her I was a player and gave it up as I thought that I had finally found the one woman in the world that I would never cheat on and could kiss good morning for the rest of my life. She did not like it when I kicked her out, and then came by our apartment with the OM to party with the neighbors and to rub it in my face. I was at rock bottom, I was so deep in the pit, that I actually wondered if I would ever laugh again. You are in for a rough ride over the next few months, but you will survive. For those of us who have been there, it is diffucult to describe other than with the passage of time you will heal and the pain will lesson. As Tojaz suggested, the best thing you can do is to keep busy. Work on your hobbies, exercise, get in shape, and consider trying something that you have always had a hankering to do, just for the heck of it. There is this rule of thumb, cheaters trade down, and the cheated trade up. It won't happen next week or next month, but some day in the future, you will find yourself in a loving relationship with a woman several levels up from what you had. Trust me, there will come a day, when you will say, divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me. Edited June 23, 2011 by 2.50 a gallon Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Cheaters script I'm willing to bet you that the marriage problems were 50/50 you and her, but the affair is 100% her fault. Therefore kick her to the kerb, No it's not always two faults in a relationship. That's like saying he still shares a responsibility in her cheating. That's warped. She cheated and destroyed the whole relationship, along with having another man's child. Move on from this farce of a woman and never look back. Everything that is coming out of her mouth is nothing but lies and attempts to justify her sick behavior. Protect yourself and make sure she doesn't try to pin this baby on you legally because women do that a lot to men. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I'm willing to bet you that the marriage problems were 50/50 you and her, but the affair is 100% her fault. Therefore kick her to the kerb, No it's not always two faults in a relationship. That's like saying he still shares a responsibility in her cheating. That's warped. She cheated and destroyed the whole relationship, along with having another man's child. Can't let this go without jumping in... In my opinion there's nothing warped about Rob's advice or his outlook. And it isn't just because he and his wife successfully reconciled. Generally, people share is both the problems and success in marriage...but it only takes one to ruin the whole thing. As for the OP? Huge hurdle of overcome- Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Move on from this farce of a woman and never look back. Everything that is coming out of her mouth is nothing but lies and attempts to justify her sick behavior. Protect yourself and make sure she doesn't try to pin this baby on you legally because women do that a lot to men. I do however agree with this. Never be someone's plan B, that is what OP is at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
ver13 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 IMO all you can do is wake up everyday and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You started your journey through life all by yourself right? So continue on at this time by yourself, you really don't need someone by your side that will do something like this in the long run. The reasons for the A are not relevent now because she is preg and unless you plan to become the father of her baby you can't stay in a relationship. It doesn't matter what your family or friends say in the end it's your life and you only live it one time so live it. Deep down you know what you want to do you can feel it inside so do it and don't look back. Link to post Share on other sites
Donewrong Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 bh. I feel so sorry for you. You must start each day by thinking about what makes you happy before you think about anyone else. The reasoning behind the affair is a moot point now. She made the choice to have the affair. Not you. She became pregnant. She has brought an innocent child into this and she has to live each day of her life with the consequences of her actions. What others think really doesn't matter - all that matters is what you think and what you want. She has to focus on being a mother. You have to focus on healing yourself. When I had my A, if I had gotten pregnant and my husband kicked my ass out. I would not have blamed him one bit. His actions to to that would have been his right to have - just as your you have a right to feel angry and upset. An affair baby was a huge worry to me when my husband had his RA. I knew he was having unprotected sex and I was worried about a return of this OW in 9 months announcing a baby. These fears have sense subsided but boy it was a horid feeling waiting for that call or knock on the door. 8 months into our reconcilliaition and if something like that were to happen - I honestly don't know how I would react. If you choose the route of standing by and being a father to that child I'd envy you being so strong. If you choose the route to just move on with your life..I'd applaud you for looking out for yourself. The choice is yours. You have to think about what you want. That child has another father involved in the picture - the father that had the affair with your wife. Once she became pregnant - she turned a horrible situation into an almost impossible situation. My thoughts are with you. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken_hearted Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 thank you all for the kind words of wisdom. please keep your comments/insights coming. it makes me feel better to read your replies good, bad or indifferent. i got a call from her the other day crying and apologizing up and down for what she did to me, us and our family and friends. i know the guilt is killing her and it was finally nice to know that she is in a lot of pain. not that it makes anything better, but it made me feel good to know she's hurting. i have made the decision to stop all contact and i need to stick with that. i know there will have to be some as our divorce is not final until next month. i don't know what the future holds, if anything for the two of us, but for now i need to be selfish, start eating, get back to the gym and surround myself by loving friends and family. again, thanks for the support and keep your input coming. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken_hearted Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 so i just got a call from my mom saying that my soon to be ex is slandering me around town as being gay to justify why she stepped out on our marriage. i can't believe that i was married to such a callous woman. hopefully, this just makes me realize that this is the best thing that ever happened to me. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 yea, F her. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts