oldguy Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 This happened to an in-law of mine & they held off signing the divorce papers until after the baby was born, (because he was stupid), & in his state he is now paying child support and the father of the child is living with his ex-wife & raising his son, at least until the next court hearing. HOWS THAT FOR A KICK IN THE CROTCH? Link to post Share on other sites
Conscience Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I am sorry you are going true this! This will sound like typical advise but I think exercising is probably the thing that helps the most, to see your body transforming is a great way to improve self esteem and confidence! There are other ways to exercise without going to a typical weight gym.... Personally I discovered indoors climbing to be the hardest physical activity I ever done! The weight gym usually takes about one hour to train where's the rock climing gym you can spend 3-4 hours in one session! I became really passionate about it, and it helped me go trough the days I just wanted to sleep all day and quite my 6 figure paying job !!!! being happy as allot tons of benefits, it draws people towards you ! especially women !! If you start dating "I know your probably saying to yourself" I can't do that right now! but trust me you have to! I went true this and I had to force myself to date ! and it certainly took my mind off my ex temporarily! Good Luck man! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 so i just got a call from my mom saying that my soon to be ex is slandering me around town as being gay to justify why she stepped out on our marriage. i can't believe that i was married to such a callous woman. hopefully, this just makes me realize that this is the best thing that ever happened to me. Very common. It is her way of saving face, she knows shes done wrong and needs to create a scenario where SHE is the victim. In her mind it is self preservation. I still don't know what all my ex spread, but I do know i was escorted out of her workplace because they feared i would kidnap her!!!!! I give it a chuckle now, but when it happened..... total melt down! The people that matter will know the truth, for the rest just let it roll trying to correct everyone will just make you frustrated and give her more ammo to toss around. Things will blow over with time and others will set her story straight eventually, in the meantime I would throw out any pink shirts you may have and cancel that tea party. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken_hearted Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 Very common. It is her way of saving face, she knows shes done wrong and needs to create a scenario where SHE is the victim. In her mind it is self preservation. I still don't know what all my ex spread, but I do know i was escorted out of her workplace because they feared i would kidnap her!!!!! I give it a chuckle now, but when it happened..... total melt down! The people that matter will know the truth, for the rest just let it roll trying to correct everyone will just make you frustrated and give her more ammo to toss around. Things will blow over with time and others will set her story straight eventually, in the meantime I would throw out any pink shirts you may have and cancel that tea party. TOJAZ LMAO!!! You give some great input. You should be a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken_hearted Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 bh Listen to the words of wisdom from my friend Tojaz, he has a gift of cutting through the junk and getting to the marrow I understand the part about being humilated. I caught my ex in the arms of the OM. Unlike you, I was totally attracted to my ex, before I met her I was a player and gave it up as I thought that I had finally found the one woman in the world that I would never cheat on and could kiss good morning for the rest of my life. She did not like it when I kicked her out, and then came by our apartment with the OM to party with the neighbors and to rub it in my face. I was at rock bottom, I was so deep in the pit, that I actually wondered if I would ever laugh again. You are in for a rough ride over the next few months, but you will survive. For those of us who have been there, it is diffucult to describe other than with the passage of time you will heal and the pain will lesson. As Tojaz suggested, the best thing you can do is to keep busy. Work on your hobbies, exercise, get in shape, and consider trying something that you have always had a hankering to do, just for the heck of it. There is this rule of thumb, cheaters trade down, and the cheated trade up. It won't happen next week or next month, but some day in the future, you will find yourself in a loving relationship with a woman several levels up from what you had. Trust me, there will come a day, when you will say, divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me. TY! I truly feel that I will say that one day. It's just getting there that hurts so much. My wife has only ever wanted to be a parent and she was going to become one, one way or another. We spent a lot of money on fertility, so this is why this hurts so much. She now has what she always wanted. I don't think she planned for it this way, but now she must live with this for the rest of her life. Whether things work out with guy or not she'll be linked to him for the next 18 years of her life. As far as I'm concerned, she just wrote me a golden ticket to start my life over. It scares me being 40, but I have faith. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 BH - I had to make a choice like this..a little lop-sided to be sure...my first exH wanted to come back after he made the OW pregnant. He was running from her and she put the child up for adoption....that was less than a year after I had a miscarriage with our second child and he left me on a hospital curb after emergency surgery for hours after waking up. I made the right decision at the time. It had nothing to do with you...it was her...work on you. Link to post Share on other sites
tentoughyears Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 my wife filed for divorce and a week later found out she was pregnant with OM's baby. i know it's not mine and was getting use to the thought that we were divorcing because i believe it was for the best, but now the bomb she has dropped on me is tearing me apart. i know this has happened to others on here and just wanted to know how you coped with such pain. i can't eat, sleep or even function at work. i have even had the effed up though of wanting to work things out, but that i will not do. please advise... I am new to this forum, but not new to these kinds of problems. Although infidelity was not our problem, my situation is a little uglier. Through the past 9 years of pain and strife I have learned one thing, maybe it will help you get a wider view of things. PEOPLE ARE CREATURES OF HABIT, IF THEY DO SOMETHING ONCE, THERE'S A VERY GOOD CHANCE THEY WILL DO IT AGAIN. If that child is not your's and you don't have any children together, the only thing you have to deal with is your emotions.... that's something that even YOU know can be dealt with. God bless & good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken_hearted Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 BH - I had to make a choice like this..a little lop-sided to be sure...my first exH wanted to come back after he made the OW pregnant. He was running from her and she put the child up for adoption....that was less than a year after I had a miscarriage with our second child and he left me on a hospital curb after emergency surgery for hours after waking up. I made the right decision at the time. It had nothing to do with you...it was her...work on you. You sure did make the right decision. I am going to follow suit. I must say it does feel good to get on here and air my dirty laundry with a bunch of strangers. Between signing up yesterday and today I already feel a tad bit better. Thank you everyone for you thoughts and support. There are a lot of good people in this world. Keep the faith. Link to post Share on other sites
Donewrong Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 so i just got a call from my mom saying that my soon to be ex is slandering me around town as being gay to justify why she stepped out on our marriage. i can't believe that i was married to such a callous woman. hopefully, this just makes me realize that this is the best thing that ever happened to me. That's all she has left to fight with since you have done nothing wrong - she did. She has lost her dignity and she is trying anyway she can to fight for some back. She wants someone to say oh dear..we don't really blame you for what you did. That's exactly what she is waiting for. Honestly, don't give 2 squats what anyone says or thinks. Your family and your supporters will know the truth and will be there for you. Anyone else - well they just don't matter! The only one that really matters anyway is you . Just YOU! She can say whatever she wants...but she won't get pregnant for another man while with you again. My thoughts are with you today. Do something fun for yourself today. You deserve it! Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 so i just got a call from my mom saying that my soon to be ex is slandering me around town as being gay to justify why she stepped out on our marriage. Who cares what she says Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Quote: Originally Posted by broken_hearted so i just got a call from my mom saying that my soon to be ex is slandering me around town as being gay to justify why she stepped out on our marriage. This is when you learn who has your back, who doesn't & who is just sitting on the fence. It's not easy but it'll be brutally honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Donewrong Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Quote: Originally Posted by broken_hearted so i just got a call from my mom saying that my soon to be ex is slandering me around town as being gay to justify why she stepped out on our marriage. This is when you learn who has your back, who doesn't & who is just sitting on the fence. It's not easy but it'll be brutally honest. Exactly..weeding out the weeds so to speak. Ha, call it spring cleaning! Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken_hearted Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 I'm really struggling today guys. I feel so betrayed. Could barely put my feet on the ground this morning. I forced myself to work, but have no drive. I am in sales so this is crucial b/c I don't have dual income any more. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I know the feeling of being at work and not being able to perform. That has plagued me for months.. here is what you have to do. Take a moment and make yourself realize - you are at work now.. you have a job a to do, you need to make money to sustain yourself. That's all.. try to keep your situation out of work. I know it's hard when you have so much drama going on in your real life. It is a tough balance but you have to do it to stay sane. Link to post Share on other sites
Donewrong Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Focus on something other than her...work first but when you have a moment where you find your mind wandering back into the depths of hell..re-direct it..start planning something to do for yourself afterwork. Something that might excite you..Go to a bar and grab a drink...go for a walk.. skydive, bungee jump..whatever gets your mind off the ****storm you are in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken_hearted Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) Yeah, I need to take that advise. I've been going home after work and sitting in my apt by myself b/c my social skills are out of whack right now. It's almost like I have a case of you can't have what you want, but deep down I know I want out and want to be happy again. I never realized the power of love until this. Eff me!!! I can't believe I didn't hear more people bashing her about this. Or telling me to get my head out of my ass and move on. I feel very weak and vulnerable right now about the whole thing. Why can't I just say the bomb exploded, eff her and keep on living. I feel as if she robbed my soul. Edited June 24, 2011 by broken_hearted Link to post Share on other sites
DDINNYC Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Broken_Hearted -- You posted some kind words on my post. Thank you for that and I wanted to say hpw sorry I am for what you are going through. But I think you might have heard this many times from many people. It gets a little better each day. Some days feel worse than others, but you will get there. It is a phase in your life THAT WILL PASS. Just feel the pain and get through this awful phase. Lots of positive thoughts going out to you. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 BH When I was in your shoes I too had a problem of finding an interest that I could spend time with that would distract my obsessive thinking. My favorite hobby was not that much of a help, as it too reminded me of her. Then I got lucky and spotted a discounted book on gourmet cooking. I was already a decent cook, far better than the Ex, so after looking over a couple of the recipies it occured to me I can do this. Up until that point in time I was still on the infidelity diet, grab a snack here and there, if hungry some fast food. But after purchasing the book, I began to try some of the recipies, and they were easy and delicious. I had moved into a singles apartment complex, so it wasn't hard to find some female taste testers to impress. That was the first advantage, new ladies in my life. I also found that while I was preparing the meal I was not thinking about her. The seconds turned into minutes, and the minutes evolved into hours and days. That is when I began to heal. I did not try a gourmet meal every night, but I did go out of my way to avoid fast food and snacks and cook myself a good meal every night. Something that took a little bit of time and was good to eat. Also, every night before retiring I made myself a supper sandwich to take to work the next day. You know, with lettuce, tomatos, dressing, cheese, meats, etc. Not only was it better than roach coach and fast food, it was cheaper and better for me, and it gave me something to look forward to at lunch. Link to post Share on other sites
Donewrong Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 BH, How are you doing today? Did you keep busy over the weekend? Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken_hearted Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 feel kind of numb today. i am actually going to sit down and talk with my wife tonight. not sure what direction it'll go, but i told her i'd listen to what she had to say. its going to be very tough seeing her. i haven't seen her in 3 weeks. i miss her terribly and don't know if i should even give her the time of day to say what's on her mind. any help? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 feel kind of numb today. i am actually going to sit down and talk with my wife tonight. not sure what direction it'll go, but i told her i'd listen to what she had to say. its going to be very tough seeing her. i haven't seen her in 3 weeks. i miss her terribly and don't know if i should even give her the time of day to say what's on her mind. any help? I think that the situation is too raw to meet with her and that being around her is going to set you back to square one. If it's not going to benefit YOU, then skip it. The only thing you should be discussing at this point is financial stuff relating to the divorce, and that can (and should, for purposes of documentation) be handled by email. She fired you as husband. There's a "V" between your names on the divorce petition. You are opponents. Sad, but that's the reality you're dealing with. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 It's almost like I have a case of you can't have what you want, but deep down I know I want out and want to be happy again. I never realized the power of love until this. Eff me!!! This attitude will serve you well later in life; after you've healed. She can only steal from you what you allow her to steal. Keep what you need. Do yourself a big favor and avoid bars and clubs. The most depressing people in the world hang there and the rest are all couples. Not good. Treat her kindly...it will do your self esteem some good for her to look at you in wonder and amazement. I'm not twisted, but I knew the circle had come 'round full when my (mean, cheating, wanted to be single and 'live!') ex started blabbering about missing me. She didn't, but I saw that clearly because I spent my time healing instead of feeling bitter or full of self pity. Eat well. Work out. Sleep and pray for wisdom and a softened heart. The world is full of followers...it needs more leaders. Lead yourself out of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Donewrong Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 broken hearted, I see you were going to talk to your wife last night? I don't believe that was a wise decision considering where you are in the healing process. I think you need more time to continue to heal. Did you meet with her? If so how did it go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken_hearted Posted June 28, 2011 Author Share Posted June 28, 2011 i did meet her and let her speak. she was just very apologetic and sincere for what's she's done to me, my family and our friends. it was the first time i agreed to see her and hear her out, so it felt good to see her hurting too. as i have said, i don't know what the future holds if anything, but for now i need to heal myself and take care of me. i still love her and most likely always will, but any future with us would be almost impossible considering the circumstances. i will not completely rule it out because my heart is telling me different, but maybe time will change that too. thanks to everyone for caring and taking the time to post. Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 Can't let this go without jumping in... In my opinion there's nothing warped about Rob's advice or his outlook. And it isn't just because he and his wife successfully reconciled. Generally, people share is both the problems and success in marriage...but it only takes one to ruin the whole thing. As for the OP? Huge hurdle of overcome- Well Stead your reality is your reality. Link to post Share on other sites
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