Separated. Where do I go from here

[ThatGirl123]

My husband of 3 plus years (lived together 4 before that and no kids) and I have been seperated for a few months now. Things got really bad and we both decided we needed space. He moved out.

a little background:

I will try to be brief with my story here..

So marriage was pretty good but somewhere along the way we both stopped trying and lost communication and spent more time at work and just didn't spend quality time alone with each other. anyway he started hanging out with other people and started to really dislike me and being around me. Which slowly led to me feeling abandoned which made me act out more and so on. One of the people he hung out with happened to be a single woman. You see where this is going so I will stop here. I will say I have no actual proof nor did I ever have hard evidence just a feeling and proof that they were "friends"

But I am pretty sure it's more than just a platonic relationship.

He says he still loves me and I still love him.

We have spent plenty of time together since the separation. Maybe 2-3 times a week on average.

I really enjoy the time with him and I think he does too.

 

Towards the beginning of the separation I told him how I felt about his being friends with her. I tried not to accuse as that had just led to fights in the past. I simply told him it hurt me too much for him to be friends with her and that I think it would be better for our relationship if he would not be. At first he was angry like I had accused but then I think he understood where I was coming from but did not stop seeing her. I should say spending time and only to my knowledge I am assuming since I still see the occasional pone call to her number. Maybe I should have put my foot down at this point but I don't believe in ultimatums and don't think they work.

 

So recently he has seemed very comfortable with me. The best since the separation. We are able to talk and have fun but we usually refrain from talking about the marriage or the future. And I was feeling really good about everything.

 

I will stop here I obviously have more to tell.

 

By the way before people say divorce him he's a liar and a cheater I am well aware I have this option but I am here in an attempt to save the marriage not advice on endng it.

[ThatGirl123]

Okay so the reason I am here.

 

I have gotten the feeling he considering moving back in. He has not said so specifically just I had a feeling. Also, up untill a few days ago I assumed communication had stopped with her. I didn't see any phone calls and I had talked to him or known where he was most every night.

 

So a couple days ago I noticed a phone call.

 

And then I saw his phone while we were out and a text from her said when will you be home?

 

The phone call I didn't care about. This text got to me. It doesn't sound like whatever it is is over. But why would he at the same time be wanting to come home?

 

After the text he stuck around for about an hour and didn't text her back.

[oldguy]

Have you considered a counselor & would he be willing to see one with you, is that even an option? Your both sort of over your heads here, which is why your asking strangers for their opinions here. Separation is merely a punctuation mark between marriage & divorce. Period or comma. You need to take action unless your comfortable with the way things are. Hmm, sounds like I should be writing for fortune cookies. Go see someone, a professional, a relationship counselor.

Edited June 23, 2011 by oldguy

[Spark1111]

Okay so the reason I am here.

 

I have gotten the feeling he considering moving back in. He has not said so specifically just I had a feeling. Also, up untill a few days ago I assumed communication had stopped with her. I didn't see any phone calls and I had talked to him or known where he was most every night.

 

So a couple days ago I noticed a phone call.

 

And then I saw his phone while we were out and a text from her said when will you be home?

 

The phone call I didn't care about. This text got to me. It doesn't sound like whatever it is is over. But why would he at the same time be wanting to come home?

 

After the text he stuck around for about an hour and didn't text her back.

 

Okay, I think it is reasonable to assume that he is possibly living with her and she may be the reason he separated.

 

The fact that he didn't leave you may indicate he is tiring of her. She is starting to place demands on him as any woman who thought she was in a committed relationship would do.

 

The fact that you do not bring her up at all is brilliant. Good move in that relationship drama fuels a dramatic relationship (theirs), and you don't want to have the nagging devil horns placed on your head when the halo get placed again on her head.

 

You two are spending time together and just enjoying each other's company like you use to.

 

Is he having a mid-life crisis? Does he want to be 21 again with no relationship demands made on him by ANY woman?

 

I think you need to figure out what YOU want in your relationship and express it to him.

 

I think you need to set a deadline for yourself as to how long you intend to be separated before you end the relationship, fight to keep the relationship, or move on from it.

 

Will he consider IC or MC? If not, you should go to IC for yourself.

 

Also, read up on the 180. It is a way of behavior to make yourself stronger in the event your marriage ends.

 

Good luck to you.

[ThatGirl123]

Okay, I think it is reasonable to assume that he is possibly living with her and she may be the reason he separated.

 

The fact that he didn't leave you may indicate he is tiring of her. She is starting to place demands on him as any woman who thought she was in a committed relationship would do.

 

The fact that you do not bring her up at all is brilliant. Good move in that relationship drama fuels a dramatic relationship (theirs), and you don't want to have the nagging devil horns placed on your head when the halo get placed again on her head.

 

You two are spending time together and just enjoying each other's company like you use to.

 

Is he having a mid-life crisis? Does he want to be 21 again with no relationship demands made on him by ANY woman?

 

I think you need to figure out what YOU want in your relationship and express it to him.

 

I think you need to set a deadline for yourself as to how long you intend to be separated before you end the relationship, fight to keep the relationship, or move on from it.

 

Will he consider IC or MC? If not, you should go to IC for yourself.

 

Also, read up on the 180. It is a way of behavior to make yourself stronger in the event your marriage ends.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Wow thank for the awesome reply very helpful.

 

I'm not sure they are living together. Atleast not officially. She has her own place because I know where it is and I still saw her car there a couple times. Sometimes we would go out to a restaurant near his apartment.

 

But midlife crisis yes. Well maybe not midlife he will be 30 next year and I think that number scares him. He also is not ready to be settled down yet and that was part of the problem. In hind sight we shouldn't have married when we did. I was perfectly happy with the way things were we were living together and it was working. I knew eventually we would get married and at the time I thought we were ready we had been living together for 4 years. But I was all caught up in the fact that our parents (both his and mine) were not exactly happy with that and plus to be honest I wanted my wedding. Sounds lame I know but most mid twenties girls are probably like that. It wasn't like things changed when we got married but I think he felt more trapped which is ridiculous because we were common law marriage anyways. But here we are and he sees this woman who is single and still living that single life I guess that appealed to him.

 

I have read the 180. And I am trying to do those things. I have met alot of new people and started doing some new things since the separation and have kinda gone on with my life without him in it. Apart from our time together of course.

 

I think thats kinda where I'm at. Now that I know that there must be something going on with him and her I of course want it to end but I know that confronting the issue would just lead to problems.

 

I don't want the marriage to end but I am at a much better place with that possibility than a few months ago.

 

I think we really need to see a counselor but I also know that it has to be his idea. No I have not sought individual counseling but I don't want to mess with the mindset I am in now. I almost didn't even post here because I am in such a good place with myself that I was ready to just ignore the text but I think the text is just a reminder of what had happened and I'm glad I saw it. I think if I had seen that text a few months ago I would have thrown it in his face somehow and I almost did but I am so glad I didn't.

 

I think I may be getting towards the end of my separation okayness.(is that a word)

I don't mean we should move back in I just am thinking I need to know where it's going. The relationship has stayed the same. And we are more like good friends right now. (we have not had any romantic contact except once early on in the separation)

If we are going to get back together I want to start "dating" first. Maybe that is lame and maybe it doesn't work or separated people but it would make sense to me.

 

If he doesn't want to be with me I don't want to see him anymore. Which sounds harsh and I will have a hard time with that but I think its the only way I can move on.

 

My problem is how do I say this?

 

I have been toying with what to say and how to start that conversation for a while. The best idea I have come up is tell him we need to talk meet somewhere. (I don't want to bring bad memories to the house so not at our home) and point blank ask him "do you want to be with me?" I am just pretty sure his answer will be I don't know.

[RepairMinded]

Maybe I should have put my foot down at this point but I don't believe in ultimatums and don't think they work.

 

Why should he stop seeing the other woman if you continue to tolerate it?

[ThatGirl123]

On your last point, I don't think you should ask him. I may be wrong in advising this, but for me any question you ask him about the relationship makes you vulnerable and that seems to have many connotations, mostly negative. Personally, I think its about actions and just as your actions need to tell him you're an independent woman who actually may want him in her life, but certainly doesn't need him; his actions need to be telling you that you are his priority. Full Stop.

 

Maybe, just as Spark suggests, its better to be telling him what you want, rather than asking him what he wants.

 

He seems pretty comfortable right now with having good times with you and not having any consequence for this other woman?

 

Ok. So I want to show him that I an be on my own and I don't need him. But that I want to be with him and I want our relationship to be (fill in the blank)

Then I think I should also listen to what he has to say.

 

So do I repeat that I will not be with him if he continues to be friends with her?

 

Well he claims she is a friend and I have no hard evidence of otherwise. But what consequence would there be? He doesn't get to be with me?

 

See I want to ask him if he wants to be with me because I just want a straight answer. I just want him to tell me where is heart is and if it's not in the marriage than its easy fir me to just walk away. I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me. But he has repeatedly showed me otherwise by not just leaving by not telling people he was separated by wanting to continue to spend time with me.

 

Why should he stop seeing the other woman if you continue to tolerate it?

 

I don't tolerate it but I'm not going to give some ultimatum either because ultimatums never work. They just make both parties angry because neither person gets what they want. If I give him an ultimatum he feels trapped and do you think he's going to go with the person who makes him feel trapped? Even if he truly wants to be with me? It just doesn't work I don't believe in it. He knows how I feel about her and if he still chooses to be "friends" with her than why would I want to be with him. But he needs to come to the realization himself that it won't work if he is friends with her and choose to end the friendship and fix his marriage or end the marriage.

 

I realize I keep saying friends I know quite well it is more than this but I certainly don't know the extent of the relationship.

[ThatGirl123]

I feel he needs to earn that right and whilst he may have done in the past, his actions right now and in the recent past don't seem to show you or your marriage an acceptable level of respect, commitment or concern.

 

You said yourself that you won't get a straight answer from him. He will tell you that he doesn't know if you ask him if he wants to be with you or not. So why give him the opportunity to continue to not commit to his marriage by asking a question that gives him the chance to not answer in a straight manner? There is nothing you can ask him that will make him answer you 'yes' or 'no'. Only his actions will give you the answer you need and right now his actions arent' giving you the same message they are giving me.

 

So I guess I just assume his answer is no until he proves otherwise. This is hard as I like spending time with him. I'm not always the one to invite but maybe I should stop inviting him to do something and wait for him to ask me. This would be a good 180 also.

 

Just as you feel that he has repeatedly shown you that he loves you (if I understand you correctly) by wanting to spend time with you etc. I feel he has repeatedly shown you that he is not showing you that he loves you by not spending the time a husband would with his wife and by continuing to have a woman in his life who's relationship with is inappropriate.

 

Um I know that he still "loves" me. He has said it before. I know that he still cares for me. I also know that he wishes things could go back to the way they were. Or atleast some part of him does. He has expressed it to me. He also has expressed that he is not sure he can get over what has happened. The fighting the hurt we've both been through. But after he says these things he turns right around and does something to show me he cares. I agree that his actions are not those of a husband, obviously, but they are also way better than when he was still living here. Of course our relationship was in such turmoil then.

 

You don't have to give him an ultimatum (although I personally think there is a time and place for them), but you could remove yourself as an option and give him some time to see what he could lose by his own mistakes.

I think that is the right idea. Rather than giving him the ultimatum I should just choose a time that I feel is it and remove myself. Suddenly become unavailable. Then if he asks just tell him the truth that his actions have told me that he does not want to be with me. And if he does want to be with me than I am open to talking to him about it. And then and only then if he comes to me and says "I want to be with you" will I give him an ultimatum and say it will not work if you are friends with her.

Now I just need to decide on when.

 

Thank for the advice.