Called things off with a guy and now regret it!

[lipvixen2011]

Okay I have been dating this guy I met on a online dating site for the past 2 months but have been chatting for the past 6 months. It is a long distance thing, he lives in Las Vegas and myself in California. Both of us are okay with the distance since that is our "norm" I guess. Anyway, I've gone to visit him 2 times since talking and I was there for a few days each time and we've gotten along great and talk about how much we miss each other when not together and text and talk at least once a day. All of sudden I've noticed he's been distant for the past week. I just left his place last Wednesday to come back home. He still texted but didn't call as much. So I started to wonder what was going on. I wasn't freaking out yet because the honeymoon stage doesn't last forever and can't expect him to call me everyday but some of you know (mostly women) that when you get in a routine with someone you kind of expect it. So I've taken my profile down, well not necessarily took it down but hid it out of respect which I would usually do when I start to get serious with someone and need I say we haven't had the official "boyfriend and girlfriend" talk yet but did talk about being exclusive when it came to dating. Is there such a difference? I didn't think so but anyway, today I logged onto the site to change my settings since I keep receiving notifications of emails and winks and I decided out of curiousity to go on to his profile and sure enough, he was online! You guys all know how that feels when you see that. NOT GOOD. I brought it up to him before about whether or not he was still looking and he said no, but will still go on and check his emails. Not sure why but ok.

 

So anyway, I just had enough of it today and seeing he had updated it a while ago, not with new pics but with just writing about who he's looking for. At this point I was already not feeling right about the kind of distant thing and not one to usually get mad if someone who still has a profile online but my big mouth decides to call things off. So I sent him a text this morning telling him "I don't think we should talk or see each other anymore and that I still do really like and care about him but I only want to date someone that only wants to date him and take care." Of course I was being irrational! I guess that's the Scorpio in me and damn it my love horoscope told me this morning that I should lay low and be patient on a matter that will arise today! I guess they are right sometimes. Okay so that was this morning around 11am. Never heard from him..not that I was expecting a response but of course after I started thinking normal again I felt horrible. I started to think things over and called him later after I got home from work. He didn't answer and I texted him asking if he could call me. Nothing. So I emailed him through his personal email acct. Nothing. My stupid butt loses all pride and texts him a while ago saying I'm sorry I wish I hadn't said anything like that and should have just talked to him about it. Now he won't respond to me AT ALL. He just last night texted me telling me he was thinking about me while out with his friends. So my question is, should I just give up and take it as a loss or be patient since he could be pissed or confused? Now I'm pissed at myself! I regret my decision and now he won't talk to me. I see that he's online right now but hasn't responded to anything I sent..what is a woman to do? BTW I am 33 and he is 34. Come on, I'm not the only person that has done something like this?? I hope??

[stray]

Stop. Regretting. Now.

 

I did online dating for two years. And I quit for one reason. They're always online, always creeping around for someone "better"; it never ends.

 

I found my ex online, the day we found out I was pregnant (yes it was his, and we (I) aborted).

 

But, point being, if they don't disable their account the moment you two become exclusive (even IMPLICITY), then dump them.

 

You did the right thing, trust me. This comes from a lot of experience in the online dating scene (and no, I'm not a hideous loser, I just got too lazy to meet a guy in real life - probably like yourself).

 

You don't have to quit online dating, but just keeps your eyes open. If you become involved with someone, let them know you expect them to disable their account. If they can't do that, then just know you're their "temporary fix". Sorry to break it to you.

 

You were not being irrational. What you did was perfectly rational. Don't doubt yourself.

Edited June 23, 2011 by stray

[lipvixen2011]

Thanks Stray. Usually people will tell you that you're overreacting and should just bring it up to him casually with out any blame or pointing of the finger but that alone itself can cause them to pull away. I too have been doing the online dating thing off and on for the past 10 yrs so I know the protocol of what to do in this situation (seeing him online). I won't normally bring it up to that person unless they give me reason otherwise. I just can't help but wish I didn't do it like that after we had a great conversation the day I left and he still texts me everyday since then telling me he misses me and can't wait to see me again. Now I look like the crazy person that seems needy and insecure which I'm not but geez! I do and I don't regret it but I think I regret the way I did it when he had no clue what was about to happen and that anything was wrong. Ok I don't regret it..lol..just next time I'll go about things differently when it comes to approaching someone with that situation. Ahhh..I was I could just talk to him. I definitely learned a lesson! I can't say I'm an angel because I have done that in the past and didn't take down my profile while dating someone but I wasn't looking to date anyone else but just an addictive thing where I had to check it. Oh well..I should have just brought it to his attention and if he didn't like what I had to say then I would have ended it..that's how it should've gone down..

[lipvixen2011]

Oh and I'm sorry for what you went through. That's horrible! I guess better to find out then than later??

[June16]

You made the right decision at the earliest possible time!!!!

 

I wish I could've ended things with my ex at the 3-month mark when I saw him uploaded a new photo to his profile.

 

I then confronted him about it and he did close his account later on. However, there was a part of me always questioning if he would set up a new profile. And I was pretty sure he had another two profiles created (without any photos) during the rest of our 1.5 years relationship.

 

The whole thing really comes down to whether you can trust your man anymore. For me, I couldn't fully trust mine anymore and I planted this thought in my head that someday when he finds someone better, he would just leave me in a snap.

 

Can you imagine how much anxiety it caused me during the entire relationship? I became so paranoid every time he didn't call me back within 2 hours ( my ex likes to put his phone on silent all the time). And I couldn't help checking if he logged in on a daily basis. It was such a waste of time and was very mentally exhausting.

 

I don't think I will ever use online dating again since a lot of the guys who were on the site 2 years ago are still active and looking. I just don't want to waste another 1.5 years with someone like my ex.

 

So you should really think about whether you will be able to fully trust him anymore. If you can't , you'd better break it off now because without trust, a relationship would be a nightmare.

[lipvixen2011]

Thanks June16! I totally understand what you are saying and it's better to find out now than later down the road after investing more time and feelings but I wish I would have just brought it to his attention and I never have before so he didn't see this coming. He probably figured since we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend why take it down. That's my take on it since I did the same thing before when I dated someone on the website and we weren't official yet. I kept mine up and occassionally checked it. It's a shame I let my anger get the best of me and did it the cowardly way. I wish texting was never invented! I would have saved me a lot of explaining and regrets. Who knows, he maybe would have taken it down if confronted about it the right way. I guess I'll never know! He's such a sweet guy too..not a sweet talker or charmer but just plain sweet. I guess time will only tell! He never did anything to make me not trust him but yah, seeing that kind of hurts. I now know next time to not jump to conclusions and call things off just like that out of nowhere! Ugh..this just bites.

[lipvixen2011]

Oh the next morning! That moment you wake up and realize it's all real! I'm surprised I even fell asleep lastnight. Still nothing..no text or response to my email. Saw that he was online this morning (I'm not but I can check withouth actually having to log in)..Not sure what to think at this point knowing that it's only been less than 24 hours since this whole fiasco went down yesterday. Now I'm really kicking myself in the butt! People say I did the right thing but I know darn well I could have handled this situation differently and just asked to talk to him about it knowing we never had the discussion really before and when we did kind of talk about it, it was earlier on when we first started dating. I could have at least gave him a chance to answer or explain why he is still on instead of calling things off with him just like that. What to do..what to do?

[stray]

I know you wish you had ended things in a civil and mature way and had not come across as insecure. Yes, we ALL in hindsight wish we had done that with our exs instead of acting "psycho". However, you need to realize WHY you acted "psycho". You're not a crazy person, you can distinguish between fantasy and reality, so what happened?

 

His words said one thing, but his actions said another. There was a discrepancy. You tried to rationalize it, you tried to justify it, but your gut feeling (let's call it "reason") said there was a discrepancy.

 

This is a common mind fu*k called the "push-pull" game (google it), and online guys are notorious for it. I once dated a guy online (only several times for obvious reasons). He was a "catch" so to speak - gentlemen, good-looking, educated, "normal". After a couple dates I got a long email from some random chick, she was rambling and sounded totally crazy and claimed her and this guy were in a relationship and that she had stalked our date. I looked at her facebook, and the chick was a nice, normal looking girl, and she was a SURGEON. First I thought, "omg, she operates on people and she's totally crazy!". But THEN, I realized, "no, no...THIS guy has caused her to act crazy. This dude had reeled her in, and totally fu*ked her up". I stopped talking to him immediately.

 

But the point is, if you're typically an emotionally stable person, then when you're in an honest and open relationship, you won't feel psycho. You felt crazy because your mind thought "this guy is pretty cool, I don't want to lose him", but your reasoning said "you're getting fu*ked over." The only thing you can do at this point, is recognize in the future that you're going to meet men (especially off the internet) who are essentially, emotional and physical con artists. It's very upsetting, I know (I KNOW). But...now you know their walk and the talk, and just make sure you never get ripped off again.

 

Do not contact him. He will contact you when his next 12 online skanks fail to live up to his expectations. But he'll have to do his online skank fest before you hear from him again. BUT, when you DO hear from him again, you will take that opportunity to tell him to fu*k off. Don't think he's going to find the love of his life, he won't. If he's 34 and still online daily, then he's essentially, a complete loser. You will find love first. I promise.

Edited June 23, 2011 by stray

[lipvixen2011]

Stray you 're too funny! LOL..You've definitely had some horror stories that's for sure! Thanks for your input though and it is really appreciated and I don't think I can compete with such stories! Anywho, yes I am 95% emotionally stable. The other 5% that I'm not it's probably that time of the month lol but the things I'm nagging about now, I have done already. So after I got upset yesterday all I could think about is wow, I just totally stuck my foot in my mouth. I used to be worse than he was. I have been blamed before for being online when I wasn't just by checking my emails through my personal email. I know he has one of those smart phones too like myself and as soon as I would click on something with (match.com) it brought me online and I had no idea. So a guy before that I was dating gave me hell about it and all I could think was damn, I haven't even logged on to that site for over 2 weeks? But seriously I'm old enough to know I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions, especially when we've never had an argument and things have been running just fine. So here is what he sent me in a email this morning..

 

"hmmm, that's pretty amazing that you saw me online yesterday at all since I was at the bombing range from 8am until 8pm.

but whatever, im glad you jumped to conlusions instead of asking me why I was online (which would've been impossible).

 

I'm off to the range again today, but maybe you'll see me online again. who knows.

 

I wish you the best and hope but nothing but great things for you."

 

Okay...that came at 6:24am this morning PST..I know at the range they don't really get service since it's so far out in the middle of nowhere but they can still check email or go online. That was his response to my I'm sorry email but not asking him back. I responded telling him I'm sorry and I didn't want things to end. This is when the NC will start. It actually started last night but after I got the email this morning I had to respond since he hadn't responded to me at all yesterday..now I know why. Umm..maybe he's just pissed or maybe he's done with me?:(

[June16]

wow, Stray, you are an expert on this matter!!!!!

 

My ex completely turned me into a "psycho" towards the end of our relationship and we didn't finish on good terms.

 

Although I never went to the point of stalking him, in my mind, he must have talked (in a romantic way)/seen a numerous of girls from the dating site.

 

I felt mentally screwed over by this guy and I wish I never apologized for those hurtful things I ever said to him whenever he pushed me to the edge and gave me the reason not to trust him. He deserved every single word I said.

 

I gave him so many chances to explain why he was still on that site because I couldn't see why someone so sincere and caring towards his parents could do such shady things. And this is the reason why I stayed for so long in that crap.

 

Trust me, lipvixen2011, you don't want to go down the same road as I did. Things could end for you and him way worse down the road than ending it now.

[lipvixen2011]

You guys are too funny. There was nothing bad that was going on between us is the thing. I can see if we've had this talk over and over again but we never did except one time in the beginning about whether or not people should keep their profiles up. That was it. Need I remind you guys it's only been almost 2 months. My dad slapped me upside my head when I told him what I did and my guy friend just laughed at me and said I overreacted and that I should have just asked him since things were going fine and no sign of real danger except he has been a little bit distant due to work. He works 6 days a week and is a Master Sergeant/Instructor and I can now recall him telling me he was going to be busy when I was there during these next couple weeks before the 4th because of training and it's not like I hadnt heard from him at all or he hasn't called me. I pretty much know the difference when I'm being f&*ked over and me overreacting. Again we are not officially together..haven't made that committment yet but just dating and said we didn't want to date anyone else. I didn't take my profile down right away until a week ago after I got back. I'm sure it said I was online plenty of times while I was still checking emails. So that's why I'm pissed at myself. I used to get so upset with guys that would get on me about that. So that's where I am right now..even my guy friend that has been on match says you can't expect a guy to take down his profile when he's only dating you and yes I totally overreated and I could have handled it better. How can I go from the night before him telling me he missed me and was thinking about me and me telling him back the same to less than 12 hours later that we shouldn't talk anymore and yada yada?? To me that's just plain cold. Even the guys that have confronted me about that before never said what I said to him. They just flat out asked me and at least gave me a chance to explain. I know I'm not making excuses for anybody but I can honestly say I am in the wrong..my dad told me I am one to jump to conclusions too fast..must be the Scorpio in me!

[lipvixen2011]

Why is that that people on here tell me I did the right thing and my family and friends are shaking their heads at me??? They know I have done this before and totally freaked out. Not with him but with other people in the past. Not a lot of times but it has happened. Actually not to long ago I was dating someone I haven know for 20 years and I totally assumed something and freakout out on him and he told me I was crazy and not to assume stuff because I do that a lot. He is also another person that was on match and kept his profile up for quite awhile while dating this girl, now they are official and he finally took it down. I told him what I did and he even said "SEE, you probably just ruined this one too with your darn jumping to conclusions self!" HE told me the only time I should actually get upset is if me and my current guy are in a relationship that's official. Until then, it's alls fair love and war. We are all in 30's..we all should know better. I'm not one to be bitter and think the next person is going to screw me over..usually if I feel that coming I'm smart enough to get out quick before it does. This time I know I messed up and if I have to hear it one more time from my family I'm going to go insane!