iris219 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I can’t get a man to save my life! It’s so frustrating. I know I have good qualities, so I’m not sure what the problem is. In the past I had higher standards, but I’ve lowered them, really lowered them. The last guy I liked wasn’t a great catch (on paper), but I liked him so I overlooked these things. In looks he’s average at best, he’s barely employed, and he drinks a lot. And HE doesn’t seem that interested in ME! I see women who are out shape, uneducated, uninteresting, unemployed with perfectly normal men (men I’d date if given the opportunity). I'm none of those things. What’s going on here? Can I really lower my standards any further? One of my good guy friends told me I was going to have to be willing to “date down” because it will be hard to find someone equal to myself in the town I live in. I’m perfectly willing to do this, but how much lower than underemployed, possible alcoholic can I go? Link to post Share on other sites
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Have you completely eliminated the idea of moving? Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorhurting Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I understand that you might be frustrated right now because it happens to all of us. This particular person was not interested for whatever reason it may be. It may not necessarily have to do with you. It is good to be open minded but don't think that you need to lower your standards to lower than low because of this particular experience. I am sure you are a wonderful lady work on becoming even more wonderful! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Define lowering your standards. Nobody should lower their standards but look at them and see if they might need readjusting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iris219 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 I couldn't move until I found a job. I work in a field where it's difficult to obtain a full-time position. Many people work part-time for years before becoming full-time, so I'm lucky to be employed full-time. I've applied for jobs in other places, but haven't found one. The field I'm in is pretty competitive. I would definitely move if I found a job even though I love the city I live in (except for the dating pool). Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I can’t get a man to save my life! There's a choice of guys in this very forum who can't get a woman. We could match you up! I don't think they are alcoholics, so that's a step up and you wouldn't be lowering your standards. Approximately where in the world are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author iris219 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 Define lowering your standards. Nobody should lower their standards but look at them and see if they might need readjusting. "Readjusting my standards" might be a more accurate way to put it. I've become much more accepting of traits and qualities that aren't ideal. That's what I mean by lowering my standards. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iris219 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 I am almost certain it has to do with your personality. I don't agree with this. I think my personality, wit, and sense of humor are my strong points. Or maybe I'm wrong and I have a terrible personality. I will say I can off as cold and aloof, even though I don't mean to. Some women have that "je ne se qua" that attracts men and it is not related to physical beauty. Some men have it too. There are ugly men that get beautiful women. Perhaps it is simply innate sensuality and i am afraid this is something that cannot be learned. Hmm... you may be on to something here. If this is the case, then it looks like there's not much I can do. I am almost certain it has to do with your personality. Some women have that "je ne se qua" that attracts men and it is not related to physical beauty. Some men have it too. There are ugly men that get beautiful women. Perhaps it is simply innate sensuality and i am afraid this is something that cannot be learned. Have you tried dressing up in a sexy manner. Guys like skirts and legs. Why would this matter? You said it's not related to beauty. I dress well and sometimes I wear skirts. I have a really good body and guys will turn and look or stare at me, always. I agree with you when you say it's not entirely related to physical beauty, though. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Well it might help us to know, if you don't mind sharing: What are your standards? What are your deal-breakers? What are your boundaries? Do your standards have a lot to do with cash-flow, status and looks? Do you discriminate heavily based on those 3 things? Link to post Share on other sites
Content Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Maybe you shouldnt think in terms of standards or being better or worse then someobdy think of it ive finding compatibility Going into it with the mindset of i have to lower my standards and find someobdy whos not as good as me sounds a little self absorbed Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 (edited) Aren't you the girl who said in a recent thread that you expect to be practically boyfriend/girlfriend after one date? Anyway, not to pick on you, but I don't think it's your standards. Instead, I think it's your *filters*. You (and the other women on here) seem to worship on the alter of "Chemistry" and it seems to cause you (and the other women on here) to make horrible choices. You probably turned down some guys who would make a good partner for you, and you're going for guys who are clearly wrong (such as barely employed, alcoholic). If you're just not meeting anyone period who has their act together, how about online dating? Edited June 23, 2011 by Imajerk17 Link to post Share on other sites
Feelsgoodman Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I can’t get a man to save my life! It’s so frustrating. I know I have good qualities, so I’m not sure what the problem is. In the past I had higher standards, but I’ve lowered them, really lowered them. There are three possibilities here: 1) You great qualities are not as great as you think, or maybe they are, but you also have a lot of unattractive qualities too. 2) Your self-comaprison to other, supposedly less desirable women is not entirely accurate. 3) You have bad people skills and/or an unattractive personality that pushes people away. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelsgoodman Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I don't agree with this. I think my personality, wit, and sense of humor are my strong points. Ever consider the possibility that other people's assessment of your personality is somewhat different from your own? Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Aren't you the girl who said in a recent thread that you expect to be practically boyfriend/girlfriend after one date? Anyway, not to pick on you, but I don't think it's your standards. Instead, I think it's your *filters*. You (and the other women on here) seem to worship on the alter of "Chemistry" and it seems to cause you (and the other women on here) to make horrible choices. You probably turned down some guys who would make a good partner for you, and you're going for guys who are clearly wrong (such as barely employed, alcoholic). If you're just not meeting anyone period who has their act together, how about online dating? I 100% agree with the 'chemistry' comment. I used to do it and I see tons of other women lose good men because of it too. Link to post Share on other sites
TheLawmaker Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Uh, if you expect chemistry after one date...yeah, the Easter Bunny exists, too! I'm sorry, but there is no "love at first sight", it doesn't exist. And all you're doing by doing that is disqualifying yourself from ever being in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 (edited) I read what you posted in your last thread. Fair enough about not expecting a serious relationship right away, but instead about wanting to find out quickly whether there is a match or not. If you are as good-looking as you say, that should be enough to attract guys to you, at least initially. Everyone has a different 'type', but there are plenty of guys who are attracted to tall and slender. So I really don't think your 'je ne sais quoi' is the issue here, actually. It *might* be that you don't look all that approachable, but you can help yourself out in that regard by smiling and acknowledging people. You either (a) have to come in contact with more prospects, or (b) work on your filters, or both. In regards to (a), have you tried online dating? Otherwise if there really aren't that many eligible single guys where you live, you might have to move. Seriously. The best advice in the world won't work if there is no one to try it on. In regards to (b), just going by your feelings obviously isn't working. What kind of guy are you attracted to? You might have to revisit giving certain guys a second chance. To avoid "disappointment" in the guys you are seeing, you can tell them (and that you aren't feeling it for) that you aren't going to rush into anything. You know, the only way you are going to get different results is if you do things differently from the way you have been doing them. I mean, what's the definition of insanity again? Edited June 23, 2011 by Imajerk17 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 You were quite nasty in my threads and if that's how you are in real life, I am not surprised. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iris219 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 Anyway, not to pick on you, but I don't think it's your standards. Instead, I think it's your *filters*. You (and the other women on here) seem to worship on the alter of "Chemistry" and it seems to cause you (and the other women on here) to make horrible choices. You probably turned down some guys who would make a good partner for you, and you're going for guys who are clearly wrong (such as barely employed, alcoholic). If you're just not meeting anyone period who has their act together, how about online dating? Immediate chemistry is important to me. In the past, I waited for it to develop, and all I did was waste people’s time and disappoint them. I can either see myself sleeping with a guy or I'm repulsed by him. There's not usually anything in between. If I can't have sex with someone, they wouldn't make a good partner. 1) You great qualities are not as great as you think, or maybe they are, but you also have a lot of unattractive qualities too. I don’t think I’m great, not in looks or personality—just wanted to clear that up. There’s just not a lot of major things wrong with me. I’m the classic “good on paper” girl. What would you consider the most unattractive qualities a woman can have? Can you explain your personality in greater detail? I still think is personality. My personality, like everyone’s, is complex and at times contradictory. I’m often described as poised, but I’m not serious like some people think when they first meet me. I have a friend who compares me to Audrey Hepburn. I can be reserved (because I'm shy at times) and sometimes I think I lack warmth, but my sincerity, generosity, and willingness to help make up for that. People seem to like me. I will admit that I’ve been described as “different” and “quirky,” so I’m probably not for everyone. Maybe you shouldnt think in terms of standards or being better or worse then someobdy think of it ive finding compatibility Going into it with the mindset of i have to lower my standards and find someobdy whos not as good as me sounds a little self absorbed I used the language I did out of frustration and to make it clear that I’m not chasing hot, globe-trotting, millionaires who have lots of other women chasing them. I just want a regular guy. You were quite nasty in my threads and if that's how you are in real life, I am not surprised. I was sarcastic in one of your threads ONCE, which I felt bad for and tried to make up for by genuinely congratulating you on the status of your relationship. It was difficult to watch you try to sabotage something women like myself can only hope to ever have. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I don’t think I’m great, not in looks or personality—just wanted to clear that up. There’s just not a lot of major things wrong with me. I’m the classic “good on paper” girl. If this is true then you need to start upping the standards on YOURSELF. you don't think you have a great personality? better get one then! that quote makes me think that you might have low self-esteem and perhaps you think men don't pick up on it. But the smart ones can see it a mile away and often think it's unattractive. Could this be the issue? Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Immediate chemistry is important to me. In the past, I waited for it to develop, and all I did was waste people’s time and disappoint them. I can either see myself sleeping with a guy or I'm repulsed by him. There's not usually anything in between. If I can't have sex with someone, they wouldn't make a good partner. So you could see yourself sleeping with this average-looking dude with a bad job who drinks too much, but you could not see yourself sleeping with a lot of other guys who had more going for them? I will say this again--your filters are probably way off. You need to either do what you can to override/change them--or you are going to be doomed to be alone. What's the definition of insanity again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author iris219 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 Well it might help us to know, if you don't mind sharing: What are your standards? What are your deal-breakers? What are your boundaries? Do your standards have a lot to do with cash-flow, status and looks? Do you discriminate heavily based on those 3 things? I don't discriminate at all. A REALLY strange thing just happened to me as I was driving to lunch: I look in my rearview mirror and I see my ex coming up behind in his expensive German car. As I am coming to a stop at a light I realize I am right behind another ex. It was so bizarre! What are the chances? This ex remodels homes and was in his work truck. I won't go into detail about their personalities, but they are about as different as two people could ever be. I don't have a type. I just want to like someone and enjoy being with them. Link to post Share on other sites
kooki Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Hi Iris, According to your responses,I think you're great!!!! I have the same problem as you btw. We think alike. Add me as a friend if you like or message me privately. If you are very good looking, you may be intimidating to men. Keep that in mind. Be yourself, try to smile, be kind, but don't be a doormat. Keep your mind open and believe that one day you WILL meet the right guy for you. Be positive, people like to be around positivity, not bad energy. You don't need a guy to save you, or complete you, you need a man to compliment you and enrich your life. Chemistry is SO important!! I disagree with some posters here. Most of all, have faith, keep meeting people, date lots. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I'm sorry, but there is no "love at first sight", it doesn't exist. I disagree. However, I wouldn't expect to have it for most relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iris219 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 So you could see yourself sleeping with this average-looking dude with a bad job who drinks too much, but you could not see yourself sleeping with a lot of other guys who had more going for them? I will say this again--your filters are probably way off. You need to either do what you can to override/change them--or you are going to be doomed to be alone. What's the definition of insanity again? Yes, to the first question. It doesn't even make sense. Help! How do I fix my broken filters? I'm not sure it's possible. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Yes, to the first question. It doesn't even make sense. Help! How do I fix my broken filters? I'm not sure it's possible. Therapy - and you have to understand that this Chemistry business is just not correct. Link to post Share on other sites
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