Can I really lower my standards anymore?!

[iris219]

If this is true then you need to start upping the standards on YOURSELF. you don't think you have a great personality? better get one then! that quote makes me think that you might have low self-esteem and perhaps you think men don't pick up on it. But the smart ones can see it a mile away and often think it's unattractive.

Could this be the issue?

 

I don't have low self-esteem, but sometimes I doubt I'm cut out for a relationship simply because it never seems to happen.

 

Sometimes I think I'm too normal (i.e. boring). Dating me would be fairly drama free (again, boring), and I've noticed how a lot of men put up with so much drama in their relationships and seem to like it.

[Shaun-Dro]

I don't agree with this. I think my personality, wit, and sense of humor are my strong points.

 

Or maybe I'm wrong and I have a terrible personality. I will say I can off as cold and aloof, even though I don't mean to.

 

 

 

Hmm... you may be on to something here. If this is the case, then it looks like there's not much I can do.

 

 

 

Why would this matter? You said it's not related to beauty. I dress well and sometimes I wear skirts. I have a really good body and guys will turn and look or stare at me, always. I agree with you when you say it's not entirely related to physical beauty, though.

 

Once you stated the "cold and aloof" aspect of your character that's the reason for your failure. Learn to become more approachable and maybe you'll get a break.

[welikeincrowds]

Okay, so so far as potential answers, we have:

* Stop being such a cold bitch

* Stop thinking you're that great

* Be more dramatic

* Enter therapy

 

...to the problem of:

 

* I haven't found someone suitable to date

 

What methods are you using to try and find a date?

What are you currently doing to meet new people in general?

Approximately how big (population) is your city?

[Cee]

I think it's only a matter of time that you'll meet someone. Keep practicing patience and accept dates from whomever asks (that you find remotely interesting). Give them a shot for a couple of dates. It also helps to flirt and show interest in a guy. Some of them are too shy to approach.

 

That worked for me. I was talking to a guy who kept giving me the eye, but wouldn't ask me out. I flirted with him and showed obvious interest and he asked me on a date. I didn't know then that coffee date was going to lead somewhere, but it did. It is the most loving and sane relationship of my entire life.

 

It'll happen. Just keep putting yourself out on a limb.

[LadyFlame]

I have the same problem; not that I have an issue attracting a man, but more a problem keeping them. Everyone of them, no matter how hard they tried, have described me as a soul-drainer; so I'm yet to meet a man strong enough for me and doubt I ever will. They range from the handsome to the ugly, the intelligent to the stupid. But none are actually as strong as me or stronger than me. So I've pretty much resigned myself to a life alone (with animals preferably) because I'll never lower my standards; I expect only the best in terms of loyalty, honour, trust, sex, plus they need to put up with my jealous rages and unpredictable mood swings. In return, I give back 110% in EVERY way possible. Shame such a man doesn't exist.

[oaks]

In return, I give back 110% in EVERY way possible.

 

Maybe you're trying too hard.

[welikeincrowds]

But none are actually as strong as me or stronger than me. So I've pretty much resigned myself to a life alone (with animals preferably) because I'll never lower my standards; I expect only the best in terms of loyalty, honour, trust, sex, plus they need to put up with my jealous rages and unpredictable mood swings. In return, I give back 110% in EVERY way possible. Shame such a man doesn't exist.

 

Why should you expect this?

 

You've described many strengths to your personality, which I commend. Yet what I've bolded does not reflect strength, but weakness. (Although I haven't missed the possibility that you could have been being hyperbolic.)

 

I would be concerned that an assessment of your personality, in the context of a loving relationship -- which, I'm sure you agree, is intended to enrich the soul -- is that you are "soul-drainer". (That is not a very light description.)

 

That it is a chronic issue suggests to me that you should explore this problem more, inwardly. After all, you said it yourself: the variables change wildly from man to man, but the problem remains -- and the most consistent factor is you, and how you are described.

 

Perhaps you and iris have the same problem. But from what I've read so far, it sounds like you two have different issues, with different causes.

[LadyFlame]

Look, I only expect back what I know I can give out. If I'm willing to be 100% faithful, I expect it back. If I'm loyal, I expect it back. If I'm honest, I expect it back. If I'm willing to have that person's back, then I want the same. If I'm willing to please them sexually, then I expect the same back. If I put up with their psychotic jealous fits, then I want the same back and if I deal with their mood swings (or equal to it) then they deal with mine. I'm being perfectly reasonable.

 

There are MANY relationships out there that don't last because people don't establish high morals and loyalty at the beginning; so when the cheat cheats, or the liar lies, or the coward runs, the one on the receiving end gets ****ed over. This in turn causes them to have trust issues etc. Or else, turns them into cheats, liars, cowards themselves. I say no one in strong enough for me because NO ONE has shown me they're capable of giving back to me what I give to them. I am NOT willing to compromise my morals, just because there are so many weak men out there.

[iris219]

Okay, so so far as potential answers, we have:

* Stop being such a cold bitch

* Stop thinking you're that great

* Be more dramatic

* Enter therapy

 

...to the problem of:

 

* I haven't found someone suitable to date

 

What methods are you using to try and find a date?

What are you currently doing to meet new people in general?

Approximately how big (population) is your city?

 

I live in a city of about 100,000. It's a college town and a place where people come to retire. To meet people, I just live my life. I go out, I talk to people, but there aren't many age appropriate single men where I live. There are also very few with professional jobs because there's virtually no job market here. I ask people I know to set me up but they rarely know any single men in my age range (32).

 

Of course, if I wasn't such a bitc-, single men would magically move to my city just to date me. My coldness can be felt miles away.

[thatone]

Look, I only expect back what I know I can give out. If I'm willing to be 100% faithful, I expect it back. If I'm loyal, I expect it back. If I'm honest, I expect it back. If I'm willing to have that person's back, then I want the same. If I'm willing to please them sexually, then I expect the same back. If I put up with their psychotic jealous fits, then I want the same back and if I deal with their mood swings (or equal to it) then they deal with mine. I'm being perfectly reasonable.

 

There are MANY relationships out there that don't last because people don't establish high morals and loyalty at the beginning; so when the cheat cheats, or the liar lies, or the coward runs, the one on the receiving end gets ****ed over. This in turn causes them to have trust issues etc. Or else, turns them into cheats, liars, cowards themselves. I say no one in strong enough for me because NO ONE has shown me they're capable of giving back to me what I give to them. I am NOT willing to compromise my morals, just because there are so many weak men out there.

 

not really, because all of your situations are "ifs". you can't pick and choose who you are gonna be on any given day and expect men to read your mind.

 

you have to be the same person every day, then you'll probably have no trouble finding one who is compatible.

[grkBoy]

I can’t get a man to save my life! It’s so frustrating. I know I have good qualities, so I’m not sure what the problem is. In the past I had higher standards, but I’ve lowered them, really lowered them. The last guy I liked wasn’t a great catch (on paper), but I liked him so I overlooked these things. In looks he’s average at best, he’s barely employed, and he drinks a lot. And HE doesn’t seem that interested in ME!

 

I see women who are out shape, uneducated, uninteresting, unemployed with perfectly normal men (men I’d date if given the opportunity). I'm none of those things. What’s going on here? Can I really lower my standards any further? One of my good guy friends told me I was going to have to be willing to “date down” because it will be hard to find someone equal to myself in the town I live in. I’m perfectly willing to do this, but how much lower than underemployed, possible alcoholic can I go?

 

You're looking at "lowering your standards" in the wrong light.

 

1) An alcoholic bum is more than lowering standards or "dating down", it's making a bad choice period.

 

2) What kinds of men are you pursuing and what's available?

 

3) What do you personally want in a man?

 

4) Do you think you come on too strong? Too bossy? Do you think you intimidate men?

 

5) What do you do/Where do you go to meet men?

 

6) Would you ever try longer distance? Maybe even one day move away if you met Mr Right from afar?

[scarlett27]

sounds to me like you are DESPERATE to find someone , just an idea - but why not be happy and work on urself - why do u need a man to make u feel happy ??? just chill out about it and it will happen

[musemaj11]

The OP simply wants someone she feels physically attracted to. Its fair. I don't see why people are giving her a hard time over it.

 

I have fallen for a girl emotionally. I felt so comfortable w her that I wanted to be around her always. But at the same tim I wasn't attracted to her physically and in the end I realized that physical attraction is as important as emotional attraction.

[StoneCold]

Iris, I think I may know what the problem is........

 

 

You need to get over yourself

[RepairMinded]

I live in a city of about 100,000. It's a college town and a place where people come to retire. To meet people, I just live my life. I go out, I talk to people, but there aren't many age appropriate single men where I live. There are also very few with professional jobs because there's virtually no job market here. I ask people I know to set me up but they rarely know any single men in my age range (32).

Of course, if I wasn't such a bitc-, single men would magically move to my city just to date me. My coldness can be felt miles away.

 

The answer is found in the information about which I have bolded.

 

As a 32 year old woman you should not expect very much dating success in your own age range, say 30-35. Men of this age range are probably looking for women 5-10 years younger than yourself.

 

You might find one or two in their early thirty's. However they may be few and far between. Furthermore "good" men, desirable men, in their early 30's are hard to find because by then they are for the most part, already in relationships and therefore unavailable.

 

You would probably have better luck looking for somewhat older men, say 35-40, maybe up to 45.

 

However many of these men will be divorced and/or with children or may turn out to be cheating on their wives.

 

Why would you expect a reasonably good looking, sane, heterosexual, employed man in his early 30's to NOT have a girlfriend already?

 

Many many women in their early 30's who find themselves single just don't get it. Their "prime" years for finding a desirable partner are already behind them.

 

You will also not be desirable to many available guys your age or a little older, who might want to get married and have kids. If you get into a relationship right now, even if things progress pretty quickly, odds are marriage and children won't happen until 35 or even older.

 

You also need to realize that this "problem" that you share with every other unattached woman in her early 30's never gets better with the passage of time. It only gets worse.

 

Basically your best shot is to look for a divorced guy in his early 40's with kids who is looking for a step mom.

 

That's probably not what you wanted to hear.

[RepairMinded]

I have the same problem; not that I have an issue attracting a man, but more a problem keeping them. Everyone of them, no matter how hard they tried, have described me as a soul-drainer; so I'm yet to meet a man strong enough for me and doubt I ever will. They range from the handsome to the ugly, the intelligent to the stupid. But none are actually as strong as me or stronger than me. So I've pretty much resigned myself to a life alone (with animals preferably) because I'll never lower my standards; I expect only the best in terms of loyalty, honour, trust, sex, plus they need to put up with my jealous rages and unpredictable mood swings. In return, I give back 110% in EVERY way possible. Shame such a man doesn't exist.

 

Sounds like you would probably be very compatible dating a physically abusive biker, the kind of guy who would have absolutely no problem smacking you around when you act up.

[Els]

It irks me to no end when people make a list of 'qualities' about themselves, and then moan that 'lesser' women are getting men and they aren't. Ever thought that partnership extends much further than your looks, education, and employment? Maybe that fat unemployed woman has already lost 100 lbs, quit her job temporarily to take care of her ailing mother, has a heart of gold, doesn't put others down, and there was just chemistry between her and the guy. Maybe the girl who dropped out of high school actually has very good work ethics despite not being academically brilliant, and is kind, considerate and drama-free. There is so much more to a person than just a list.

Edited June 24, 2011 by Elswyth

[Untouchable_Fire]

I live in a city of about 100,000. It's a college town and a place where people come to retire. To meet people, I just live my life. I go out, I talk to people, but there aren't many age appropriate single men where I live. There are also very few with professional jobs because there's virtually no job market here. I ask people I know to set me up but they rarely know any single men in my age range (32).

Of course, if I wasn't such a bitc-, single men would magically move to my city just to date me. My coldness can be felt miles away.

 

Part of the issue might be your age. Also... dating a drunk isn't lowering your standards.

 

Open up to guys maybe 5-8 years older, and divest yourself of any stupid checklist style standards.

[threebyfate]

So how's the LS dating advice working out for you? Do you now feel like a worthless, ice cold, ugly, nasty, past your prime old woman?

 

Scrub all the nastiness out of your mind. Now let's start over. From what you've stated, you should have no problems attracting men. So, let's consider this the starting point.

 

One thing that's been a recurring pattern in my life, is the less I was looking for a relationship, the more men flocked and bam, one was usually worth having a relationship with.

 

Also at 32, you're at your prime. Believe it. You know what you're capable of doing, you know what you want. With this in mind, don't lower your standards. If you're lowering your standards, guys know you don't view yourself with enough value and when that happens, guys won't value you either. They can smell easy prey so their natural hunting instinct goes flat.

 

Now many of the guys on LS will tell you they hate to hunt. As you can see, they're also not dating or in relationships. Coincidence or....?

 

Anyways, just some advice from a 36 year old woman who was once your age, newly separated/divorced at the time and had no problems with attracting decent men to date. It did take going through a number of guys to find the right man though, so be patient and once again, don't settle, particularly for the bottom of the barrel.

 

Good luck!

[PinkInTheLimo]

In looks he’s average at best, he’s barely employed, and he drinks a lot.

 

Are you for real. you don't have to lower your standards, you have to up them.

Do things you like, go to places that appeal to you, be open to the people who cross your path. You will have a good time anyway and if you meet someone who you are really attracted to, all the better.

 

How do you expect a great romantic relationship to happen if your approach is not too be very demanding. Imagine telling your kids later that you started a relationship with their father because "he was nothing special"...

[musemaj11]

Women have made a pact with the devil. In exchange for exquisite beauty, their window to lavish male attention is woefully brief.

[Nexus One]

I can’t get a man to save my life! It’s so frustrating.

 

*Then I read on the next page*

 

I look in my rearview mirror and I see my ex coming up behind in his expensive German car. As I am coming to a stop at a light I realize I am right behind another ex.

 

See what I did there?

 

My personality, ... is complex and at times contradictory.

 

Yes.

 

Didn't you also recently make a thread about a guy who asked you out and of whom you thought he was a player? You seemed to have attracted him, did you not?

 

What would you consider the most unattractive qualities a woman can have?

 

- Aggressive and/or violent women

- Psycho's

- B*tches

- Psycho b*tches

- Sociopaths

- Judgemental women

- Women who love to argue and love drama

- Women who are always negative

- Women who willfully go after players and bad boys.

- Smoking women

- Women who are constantly occupied with their phones

- Women who drink too much alcohol

- Women who don't give a damn about other people

- Women who gossip a lot

- Party girls

- Girls that don't care about anything whatsoever but themselves

- Girls that have a "don't you even f*cking dare approach me and bother me attitude"

- Immature women

- Women that enable/encourage others into bad behavior (cheering on guys who are beating the sh*t out of someone or women who encourage their kid to hit another kid)

- Exceptionally loud women

 

Yes, to the first question. It doesn't even make sense. Help! How do I fix my broken filters? I'm not sure it's possible.

 

Step 1: Check if you're sexually attracted to the guy.

Step 2: Check if you think you could develop a crush on him based on his appearance. (people simply know this fairly quickly)

Step 3: Get to know his personality, then check if you crush on his personality. Additionally you should also check if he has an ethical attitude in life and towards other people.

 

Personally I can't develop a crush on a girl without being able to crush on her personality. Looks can draw me as a man towards a woman in the sense that I'd like to get to know her (personality). Her personality and attitude in life then can seal the deal.

 

Sometimes I think I'm too normal (i.e. boring).

 

Most guys do not think in ways like "my girlfriend is too boring". Whatever draws a man to a woman is the very thing that makes him think she's not boring.

 

Dating me would be fairly drama free (again, boring), and I've noticed how a lot of men put up with so much drama in their relationships and seem to like it.

 

Wrong in my opinion. There are guys who I know that put up with drama, but I don't know any guy that likes it. If you're drama-free then that's a plus.

 

Of course, if I wasn't such a bitc-, single men would magically move to my city just to date me. My coldness can be felt miles away.

 

If you want guys to hit on you then you should try looking at it from their perspective. When men see a woman they're physically attracted to and they'd like to get to know her, then they do an "approachability check". They ask themselves, is she open for approach? If you come across as cold or occupied, then the answer can be no. Whenever you want a guy to hit on you, put away your phone, whether you were texting, calling or listening to music, put it away.

 

I see women who are out shape' date=' uneducated, uninteresting, unemployed with perfectly normal men (men I’d date if given the opportunity). I'm none of those things. What’s going on here?[/quote']

 

This is a mistake I see many women make. Never compare yourself to other women, it's futile. It also tends to come with a judgmental attitude of other women, which doesn't just come across as judgmental, but also as jealous. Focus on your own strong points and peacock those, that's truly the best strategy.

 

I have a really good body and guys will turn and look or stare at me' date=' always. I agree with you when you say it's not entirely related to physical beauty, though.[/quote']

 

Physical beauty is the first thing that will make a man interested into knowing more about you. If you turn heads, then that means there must be something that stops men from making a move on you. Note that dressing hot tends to attract guys that are interested in (casual) sex and dressing tastefully yet beautiful tends to attract guys looking for women who they think could be girlfriend material.

 

When a guy turns his head there are likely 2 things he could think:

 

1. WOW hot. (there's sexual attraction, but he doesn't consider you as girlfriend material)

2. WOW beautiful. (you got it going on in more ways than one and he thinks you might be girlfriend material)

 

What women can do when they sense a guy might be attracted to them but seems to be doubting whether or not he should make a move is for the woman to pave the way for the guy to hit on her. I.e. being open, disarming, approachable and lighthearted.

 

Some girls know this. I can think of two recent examples where girls seemed to exactly know what they were doing and how the dynamics between men and women work. However that only works if your timing is right too. Do it right, do it at the right time and make sure he has the time for you so that he can focus on you.

Edited June 24, 2011 by Nexus One

[RepairMinded]

just some advice from a 36 year old woman who was once your age, newly separated/divorced at the time

 

Threebyfate, relationship expert.

[iris219]

So how's the LS dating advice working out for you? Do you now feel like a worthless, ice cold, ugly, nasty, past your prime old woman?

 

Scrub all the nastiness out of your mind. Now let's start over. From what you've stated, you should have no problems attracting men. So, let's consider this the starting point.

 

One thing that's been a recurring pattern in my life, is the less I was looking for a relationship, the more men flocked and bam, one was usually worth having a relationship with.

 

Also at 32, you're at your prime. Believe it. You know what you're capable of doing, you know what you want. With this in mind, don't lower your standards. If you're lowering your standards, guys know you don't view yourself with enough value and when that happens, guys won't value you either. They can smell easy prey so their natural hunting instinct goes flat.

 

Now many of the guys on LS will tell you they hate to hunt. As you can see, they're also not dating or in relationships. Coincidence or....?

 

Anyways, just some advice from a 36 year old woman who was once your age, newly separated/divorced at the time and had no problems with attracting decent men to date. It did take going through a number of guys to find the right man though, so be patient and once again, don't settle, particularly for the bottom of the barrel.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks TBF! I had a bit of a freak out yesterday, but I feel better now. Sometimes I get really worked up over an issue knowing that if I just take a breath, relax, and don’t dwell on it (i.e. make it worse), I’ll feel fine the next day. Maybe I’m not as stable and drama free as I think!

 

As a 32 year old woman you should not expect very much dating success in your own age range, say 30-35. Men of this age range are probably looking for women 5-10 years younger than yourself.

 

You might find one or two in their early thirty's. However they may be few and far between. Furthermore "good" men, desirable men, in their early 30's are hard to find because by then they are for the most part, already in relationships and therefore unavailable.

 

You would probably have better luck looking for somewhat older men, say 35-40, maybe up to 45.

 

However many of these men will be divorced and/or with children or may turn out to be cheating on their wives.

 

Why would you expect a reasonably good looking, sane, heterosexual, employed man in his early 30's to NOT have a girlfriend already?

 

Many many women in their early 30's who find themselves single just don't get it. Their "prime" years for finding a desirable partner are already behind them.

 

You will also not be desirable to many available guys your age or a little older, who might want to get married and have kids. If you get into a relationship right now, even if things progress pretty quickly, odds are marriage and children won't happen until 35 or even older.

 

You also need to realize that this "problem" that you share with every other unattached woman in her early 30's never gets better with the passage of time. It only gets worse.

 

Basically your best shot is to look for a divorced guy in his early 40's with kids who is looking for a step mom.

 

That's probably not what you wanted to hear.

 

Oh, I know all this. Welcome to my life! For the most part (where I live) the single men in their 30's are single for a reason. Smart, attractive, professional women in this town are all vying for the same 2 unemployed alcoholics!

 

I was just telling MY age. I don’t discriminate. Equal opportunity here. My age range is 28-50.

 

I am more than willing to date someone up to 50, possibly over. The best couple of dates I ever had were several years ago with a late 40’s eye dr. He was a great guy, but going through a divorce after 25 years. He was very needy and clingy. He had planned out our entire relationship and we had only been on a few dates (no physical contact at all). At 28, it scared the heck out of me. I actually prefer older men. I would love to find a guy like this now (several years post divorce). We met at the gym and he had a hot body (in addition to being a really cool guy)— and not just hot for a 48 year old!

 

Step 1: Check if you're sexually attracted to the guy.

Step 2: Check if you think you could develop a crush on him based on his appearance. (people simply know this fairly quickly)

Step 3: Get to know his personality, then check if you crush on his personality. Additionally you should also check if he has an ethical attitude in life and towards other people.

 

Personally I can't develop a crush on a girl without being able to crush on her personality. Looks can draw me as a man towards a woman in the sense that I'd like to get to know her (personality). Her personality and attitude in life then can seal the deal.

 

Nexus One, first I wanted to say thanks; I’m always so impressed that you (and several others) take time out your life to think about and analyze other people’s problems/issues. I have a lot of respect for that. You offer thoughtful advice, but more than that, just the gesture, the fact that my problem seemed important enough for you to allow into your life (I know it wasn’t!), and that it deserved thoughtful consideration is much appreciated.

 

It actually was his personality that attracted me. He physically wasn't exactly my type. There was something sweet and sincere about him. I need to step back and let things develop, discover who people really are before becoming emotionally invested in them.

 

I can attract men. Pretty much any woman can. But when you only met a few single men a year, it's tempting to want to grab one who seems adequate.

[LexiB]

The answer is found in the information about which I have bolded.

 

As a 32 year old woman you should not expect very much dating success in your own age range, say 30-35. Men of this age range are probably looking for women 5-10 years younger than yourself.

 

You might find one or two in their early thirty's. However they may be few and far between. Furthermore "good" men, desirable men, in their early 30's are hard to find because by then they are for the most part, already in relationships and therefore unavailable.

 

You would probably have better luck looking for somewhat older men, say 35-40, maybe up to 45.

 

However many of these men will be divorced and/or with children or may turn out to be cheating on their wives.

 

Why would you expect a reasonably good looking, sane, heterosexual, employed man in his early 30's to NOT have a girlfriend already?

 

Many many women in their early 30's who find themselves single just don't get it. Their "prime" years for finding a desirable partner are already behind them.

 

You will also not be desirable to many available guys your age or a little older, who might want to get married and have kids. If you get into a relationship right now, even if things progress pretty quickly, odds are marriage and children won't happen until 35 or even older.

 

You also need to realize that this "problem" that you share with every other unattached woman in her early 30's never gets better with the passage of time. It only gets worse.

 

Basically your best shot is to look for a divorced guy in his early 40's with kids who is looking for a step mom.

 

That's probably not what you wanted to hear.

 

 

This is complete garbage and unnecessarily grim, especially the bolded. You can expect to find a reasonably good-looking, sane, employed man in his early thirties who's single, for the same reason you can expect to find the female counterpart - life happens! Not everyone manages to find their life partner by this age, you know. And to imply that ALL men in this age group who are even marginally attractive and not nutjobs are already taken, also implies that every man who's single in his early thirties is a loser - one of the dregs of society. As someone who has many amazing male friends and family members who fit what OP's looking for, I can attest that this couldn't be further from the truth.

 

Her main problem is either internal (no offense Iris!) or location, but not general availability.