sadden by reality

[IfiKnewThen]

so sad and sickened that i went and looked on the internet to see who my ex married.

 

i found their picture on a website he built. finally saw her. there they were . it was when they got engaged a year ago. sitting together , holding hands, kissing. him proposing to her...frame by frame, with captions of their words underneath, describing word for word how he proposed and each of them wrote a little script...of how they met and how much they are in love.

 

 

i thought it would be good for me to "see them" . well to see her. good how? i dont know...

 

reality maybe? but i am so saddened by this reality. and of course he is a new father too...through a previous marriage she had. so they now are married since December and have the house, the dog, the kid, themselves. the American dream. i feel i am in a nightmare and it's not because i care about him anymore the way i used to. its because of what could have been with us , and the disappointment in myself and how i messed up and how the dream is dead. and maybe...just maybe i could have handled it all somehow..if he were ever honest and caring about it. i wish he told me how dissatisfied he was back then, with me.

 

and he was such a dog about it in the end, that he even had the nerve to try to come on to me sexually on the phone while he was engaged to her at the time. what was he thinking? one last fling? so glad i didnt go there ..thats for sure. well just thinking out loud here...

 

wishing i didnt even bother looking. he really makes me sick. it sickens me how he went about it all. so cold...so callus and so almighty.

 

its so hard to get happy for anyone under those circumstances. and i blame myself for so so much. because i was wrong about so much in our relationship. but his silence and inability to ever really talk to me..was so absent and so horribly not there. he never said a word .

 

why did i bother to look? so aggravated with myself again.

Edited June 23, 2011 by IfiKnewThen

[coolheadal]

Yes I could never look back. Once I am gone in a week or too. I pushing it now, can't stand to be around her. As she can't stand to me around me. She started this. So coping is hard for me. But I could never go online and look at who she's with when that happens now but she won't say anything about it. Once they move on that's it. Your out of the picture. I use to cook for the two of us but she won't come home. Goes out and get men to pay for her meals. Enough about me.

 

Hang in there...

[IfiKnewThen]

i am sorry to hear things have gotten so bad coolheadal. thank you for writing your thoughts.

 

i heard a little voice inside of me saying....do look for something or you will find it.

 

i know that voice. its the voice of reason and i too believe God planted that voice in us for us to hear...even him.

 

 

and i know i should have absolutely listened to that voice. i was blessed he didnt have facebook and all that stuff that hurts other onlookers. i was curious who he married or what she looked like. it was so foolish of me , especially when i was doing so so well. there is no point in looking back. sometimes though i think you can try to desensitize yourself. sort of face the curiousity. but this time i think i should have listened to that little voice inside me. that voice has been most wise and its because i didnt listen to it, while with him, i also lost him and his respect.

 

 

i know this because he didnt treat me with any respect in the end. so it pays to listen to your inner voice and gut.

 

its nice you made her those meals. i have a feeling she will miss you someday. you cant help but miss the nice things people did for you.

 

i can also tell you that a woman also needs an ear. its awesome to cook the meals and all, and no small contribution at all. woman do need the trusting ear too. but i have a feeling you gave it. i thank you for giving me your ear today. i appreciate that . thanks again

[coolheadal]

Thanks.. And no problem I wish I could do more for you. It's a sad time for both of us here. Yes I did all those special things but she never said hey that's great stuff like that. Made me felt small and unwanted at times. She would say what you want a cookie. Always with the jokes with her.

 

I miss the times I would take her to the beach at night taking off your shoes/sneaker/saddles (bare feet) holding hands under the cool breeze of the ocean. I miss that. Going out to the ice cream parlor and grabbing a sundae to share with one or two spoons.

 

Now all of this is history. Yes GOD lead me to her but now it's time too let go!

I would take a drive in the car I had just finished working on but it's been raining for two days and where would I go! Can't go to her family and they won't stick by me only her. Those that married into her family are scared already!

 

Anyway you cheer up and think in your mine there are people who have the same copping to do as you do. Face book I try not to use it. Just sad time to see her on it smiling!

Edited June 23, 2011 by coolheadal

[IfiKnewThen]

you know what? youre absolutely right when you say, people have the same coping to do as i do. thats really so true. and it helps to know others came out the other side too. i hate to see others sad, but its true we are not alone in our grieving process.

 

it's been a year and i was doing decent..trying to move forward and take all the good out of life. will try to look at it as just a little set back. it really doesnt help to see their face and to see someone else next to them to boot. it just does no good to look back. period.

 

so i will have that thought in my head that i am not alone. thats a good suggestion.

 

 

you guys sound like you really shared some wonderful times together. i know we cant see it, but God willing we will enjoy life that way again somehow. healing is a process, i know. there are times you can look back with fondness, and times you can get upset. it waxes and wains. but it helps to know others have been there and are there now and others have come out the other side just fine and even stronger and happier : )

 

it sounds like there were some family issues over there on your girlfriends end. and that can really interfer with a relationship too. i miss his family, too, but of course, they are supportive of their sons happiness. i do get that. when we loose someone we lose all the hopes and dreams (with that) and lose the family too. but some families add insult to injury.

\

anyway lesson learned , a bit late. dont look . dont torture yourself. there is the old saying though that seeing is believing. maybe what hurts is now i believe it more . anyway thanks again for the positive feedback. it did help

[IfiKnewThen]

ps to Cool...

 

when you said: Made me felt small and unwanted at times. She would say what you want a cookie. Always with the jokes with her.

 

i have experienced this before and to really stinks. no one should mock what you do for them and joke about it. i really know what you are talking about here. i would get that all the time..(from someone else, other than this person i am speaking of now)

 

you want someone to naturally recognize and appreciate what you do.

 

also when you said "GOD lead me to her but now it's time too let go!".

 

i believe this about life too. it says in the bible there is a time and season for everything. the thing is you have to know when and which is what. is this the time, etc..because it does say:

 

a time to tear down and a time to build,

 

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

 

Ecclesiastes 3

 

i too believe there is a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.

 

i wish i just did all the right things at the right time, instead of just the opposite. seems i did all the wrong things at the wrong time. now i just ask God to guide me and give me peace and strength and hope. and heal me from missing anyone.

Edited June 23, 2011 by IfiKnewThen

[coolheadal]

Actually she's the wife. Just started to give me issues and I get told that dreaded word! I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE! ONLY AS A FRIEND! You could knock me off my chair when I heard that. My whole life with her just flash right by my head. Trying to cope with this on my own was bad enough. This site and you have make it better for me to try to cope with this.

 

As I had said we all can stick together here as we all have the same issue going on copping with these type of real life situations. GOD can help us stay strong though this. Just keep the faith!

[IfiKnewThen]

i'm sorry:(

 

yes, lets keep the faith. there's always tomorrow ....

[mtd4249]

IfiKnewThen - looking at photos of your ex with his new partner has clearly indicated you're not fully over him/relationship. It has opened up a not completely healed wound ... I did the same thing recently, when I decided to sort through photo albums containing 16 years of memories with my ex. It was so painful it literally made me sick to my stomach! I've learnt that there might be a time to look back on the past but now isn't that time .... but the time will come when we are desensitized enough to look back and cure our curiosity about what happened to our ex's. For instance, it's been some 16 years since my ex ex cheated on me and she recently made contact through Facebook. I can look at photos of her and her husband with no emotion ... eventually, we'll all get to that same point with our recent ex's but not right now. I think what we're dealing with is the "ghosts" of our ex's in our hearts and minds .... I made a separate post about my dramas with "ghosts" of my ex in this forum on Coping. Take care

[Sugarkane]

I totally get where you're coming from OP. When this happens I always feel puzzled. Like why are they trying more with the next person? Will he not say how unhappy he is and just leave her one day too? Its pretty low of him to be engaged and make a pass at you. What a jerk!

[0hpenelope]

and he was such a dog about it in the end, that he even had the nerve to try to come on to me sexually on the phone while he was engaged to her at the time. what was he thinking? one last fling? so glad i didnt go there ..thats for sure. well just thinking out loud here...

 

wishing i didnt even bother looking. he really makes me sick. it sickens me how he went about it all. so cold...so callus and so almighty.

 

its so hard to get happy for anyone under those circumstances. and i blame myself for so so much. because i was wrong about so much in our relationship. but his silence and inability to ever really talk to me..was so absent and so horribly not there. he never said a word .

 

why did i bother to look? so aggravated with myself again.

 

Wow! Or more like W:eek:W!!! Because he may have made the commitment with someone else, but if he's that kind of guy, I think the clear "winner" here is you. I hope people like him make sincere changes and honor their commitment to their spouses and family.

It's true that our healing comes at waves. The ex that brought me to loveshack a mere 3 years ago will not have that effect on me anymore, while I'm working on reaching that plateau of "I don't care" with the most recent ex.

 

I think that you expressing the hurt instead of repressing it, denying you're still in pain, is a healthy stage. I really think so. If you're mourning a "death," then that kind of grieving can take some time. But I will never think people at that stage are not moving on. They're doing the best they can and tomorrow will be another day.

[IfiKnewThen]

youre all so kind and supportive.

 

first off-mtd4249 you are so right. i was not clearly over him. i knew the facts but like i said, seeing is believing. and even then, i think i conditioned myself, for so so long, to believe that i had a future with him that, sometimes i still think it's "out there" when its not. its so weird. its like, you said ..its like a ghost out there. i seriously have to read your post in coping and will find it and read it, for certain.

 

sugarkane quote: Like why are they trying more with the next person? Will he not say how unhappy he is and just leave her one day too?

 

i wonder this too. he was so passive aggressive. kept everything bottled up. but like you said, they can try more with others, so maybe he would speak up the next time.

 

ohpenelope- i do agree healing comes in waves. i was doing real good so i thought, and then bam. so it comes and goes. i knew i was doing better when there were days i thought more about what i was doing than him. at times i would think about him for a few minutes, but then it was back to life. life took over my thoughts , instead of my thoughts taking over my life. he used to dominate my thoughts like 100% of the time. then it got so much better. seeing the pictures and his words underneath them, made me go to thinking on this stuff all over again. and i feel a dark cloud. but i also agree with you you said (you are so positive...thats such a good trait by the way)

 

quote: I think that you expressing the hurt instead of repressing it, denying you're still in pain, is a healthy stage. But I will never think people at that stage are not moving on. They're doing the best they can and tomorrow will be another day.

 

its true. i am still moving on. even though it waxes and wains. i just let curiosity get the better of me and i gave into my "still caring" feelings too. but, now i know, i was clearly not at all ready to see those photos. but i would have done far worse to see them last year. but it is kinda looming over me right now. its not good to put images in your head that dont need to be there. but i will continue to do my best and move on and stay positive. there good in both acknowledging and repressing. i wish i had repressed a little more. anyway i am going to work on myself more and more. i am still a work in progress. youre all too kind and good people i can tell. i made some serious mistakes, when looking back. trying to look ahead. thanks for the imput. i really do appreciate it.

[mtd4249]

IfiKnewThen .... here's a quote for you ---

A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it.

I hope seeing the photos hasn't opened up a wound that won't heal quickly for you ... take care

[IfiKnewThen]

it has opened a wound. . now i dont know what to do. i used to have nightmares, wondering what his new wife was like or looked like. and then the nightmares went away for a period of time and i figured i was def. on the road to recovery. afterall its been a full year and truly i was doing decent. not great but decent. i just got more busy with my world and thought positive.

 

but i was a bit curious. then i saw those pictures of their engagement. and the worst is how he spoke of how he prayed for her to arrive. it made me feel so useless. its all the words underneath the pictures. its that HE made this website for them. its how fast he got engaged and married her. he says it was all of 4 months for everything. its how he was still coming on to me while engaged...and not in a nice way. its how i didn't know all of this (that he was engaged) and he kept it secret. and i know he doesn't sound like a nice guy....but he was so awesome to be for the years we were together. and i had my flaws. but now, its how he didn't care about me anymore so he didn't care how low he went after that.

 

i never thought he would be that disrespectful. anyway, after the first day of seeing the pics, i thought to myself, well i wont have those dreams anymore because there is no need to wonder now about who she is , etc.

 

but last night i had a nightmare again. in the dream i was trying to win him back or get to talk to him or reknow him again...or have him reknow me, as i am now. i am so different now. learned so much. but in them dream he still looks for her and waits for her. its so horrible. i also feel sad during the day. but i am back to applying my survival skills. but i dont just merely want to survive. i want to be genuinely happy and not live in this deep regret of all i did to ruin that relationship. anyway just venting here. gonna need lots of prayers.

 

anyway thanks for your replies

[fiat500]

he married her in 4 months? and he was still coming on to you while he was engaged?

 

the writing is kind of on the wall with this one.

 

sounds to me like his try hard american dream marriage will be a hard illusion to keep up in the future

[coolheadal]

Same here.. I shouldn't think about it but cheating is a big NO in my book. I knew this was going to happen I did see it in a dream I had. Those dreams do come out with the experience of feeling sure that one has already witnessed or experienced a current situation,. Like able to see beyond the range of ordinary perception, but that's all I can do. Can't change things but I've seen it happen.

[0hpenelope]

it has opened a wound. . now i dont know what to do. i used to have nightmares, wondering what his new wife was like or looked like. and then the nightmares went away for a period of time and i figured i was def. on the road to recovery. afterall its been a full year and truly i was doing decent. not great but decent. i just got more busy with my world and thought positive.

 

but i was a bit curious. then i saw those pictures of their engagement. and the worst is how he spoke of how he prayed for her to arrive. it made me feel so useless. its all the words underneath the pictures. its that HE made this website for them. its how fast he got engaged and married her. he says it was all of 4 months for everything. its how he was still coming on to me while engaged...and not in a nice way. its how i didn't know all of this (that he was engaged) and he kept it secret. and i know he doesn't sound like a nice guy....but he was so awesome to be for the years we were together. and i had my flaws. but now, its how he didn't care about me anymore so he didn't care how low he went after that.

 

i never thought he would be that disrespectful. anyway, after the first day of seeing the pics, i thought to myself, well i wont have those dreams anymore because there is no need to wonder now about who she is , etc.

 

but last night i had a nightmare again. in the dream i was trying to win him back or get to talk to him or reknow him again...or have him reknow me, as i am now. i am so different now. learned so much. but in them dream he still looks for her and waits for her. its so horrible. i also feel sad during the day. but i am back to applying my survival skills. but i dont just merely want to survive. i want to be genuinely happy and not live in this deep regret of all i did to ruin that relationship. anyway just venting here. gonna need lots of prayers.

 

anyway thanks for your replies

This really... Oh gosh, I don't even know what to say. You know, whenever I read LS, as useful as it is to be reminded by others' experiences why breaking NC isn't good, it also makes me sad. Because it really, really hurts to see someone we love move on w/o us. I haven't talked/seen/etc. to my ex for as long as yours has been married, but I am more resolved to never break NC. It's not worth the pain. Your pain reminded me of that and I'm grateful, but I wish you weren't hurting.

 

Who knows what's going on with your ex... really. We really don't know what's going on w/ them. When a friend of mine waxes romantic about our mutual friends who got married almost a year ago, I bring him down back to earth by saying "Oh yeah, but you never know." He thought I was implying something (that they weren't happy, trouble in paradise, etc.), but I explained to him that the world sees the good stuff - them getting along, trips, smiling pictures, etc. What we don't see are the closed doors: their arguments and their individual insecurities with each other. I think they're happy and as someone who loves them, I will believe they are happy, but really, what do I know?

 

Those are just pictures, girl. Seriously, just because two people are together doesn't mean they're both happy. They'll have their bad days together sure, but your ex is the only one who knows what's going on with himself - and maybe he doesn't either, though he thinks he does. Who knows!

 

It's okay to wallow right now, but I know you'll fight back when you're good and ready. I know you will. I have my bad days too and my relationship wasn't as long as yours, but I love(d) my ex and that always makes healing difficult. We'll get over our exes soon, though. We will.

[IfiKnewThen]

you guys are so awesome. very sweet. and to take the time to write and your input. it does help on this end. i actually felt better for it. thank you and bless you. i'm grateful for the input. and its true. not all things are hunky dorrie.

 

like you say who knows all that people experience on a daily basis

[mtd4249]

IfiKnewThen -- it seems we have two parts of our minds that need to recover from a breakup - the conscious and the subconcious. Sounds like both were healing for you but the photos you recently seen has reset your subconcious and you're having the nightmares. We can do things to heal our concious mind and create a surface of being happy, moved on etc -- but, if our subconcious isn't fully over the ex then it only takes some photos to open the wounds again. Same thing happened to me (I might have mentioned) .... last week I thought I could go through the photo albums to separate her photos from mine but it was too painful and since then I've been having dreams with her in them. We've ripped the bandaids off a sore that hasn't healed properly!

Do you think that you're worried about how quickly he got engaged and married because it seems like he's moved on to new happiness but deep down you feel you haven't?

And, I have always thought that people move on to new relationships quickly after a breakup for one of two reasons -- either they believe that finding someone quickly to replace their ex will bring them instant happiness (the rebound relationship) or they were never fully invested in the relationship with their ex (if you truly love someone, you can't go quickly from loving that person to simply loving someone else).

It might seem like you are in a worse position than him at the moment, it might seem like he's really happy in his new life .... but he's either on the rebound and we all know how successful that is - or he was never truly invested in you and probably won't be in this new woman either.

It sounds like you were truly invested in him and for that reason alone it's going to take time (and a lot of it) for you to be fully recovered.

[Sugarkane]

You know Ohpenelope is right. Just because they look happy in the photos doesn't mean much. Nobody posts their bad times and bust ups on facebook. I'm sure things will be different when they come out of the honeymoon phase.

[0hpenelope]

You know Ohpenelope is right. Just because they look happy in the photos doesn't mean much. Nobody posts their bad times and bust ups on facebook. I'm sure things will be different when they come out of the honeymoon phase.

Not just in Facebook or photos, but in general also. We tell people what we want to tell them, you know? I can have a bad day, but tell a friend "Oh, I'm fine! Today's great!" with a smile on my face. To a different friend, I'll tell them that I'm having a bad day and the other friend will not know.

 

We just never know with anyone. I take people at their word, but I also keep in mind that I really don't know what's going on with them.

[IfiKnewThen]

you all make a lot of sense. and mtd4249 you are spot on. my conscious mind was doing good. but i was conscious enough to know i have been trying to fight the feeling off of loving and wanting him or being so regretful of all i did. my conscience mind was trying to retrain the subconscious and mostly retrain my heart.

 

my subconscious mind however did not catch up. that's because my heart is still aching. i tried to convince my subconscious mind, through positive dialog...that i can do this. i can get over him. and as i did things to make me happy and at least function, my thoughts got redirected and temporarily distracted off of him. this was healing to the heart and subconscious mind.

 

but when i saw him in the picture with her and read his words of love that he felt for her , it put my head and heart in a bad place again. but i am getting back on track again.

 

love isnt something you just "get over". you are correct, and it takes time. so he had to be a lot less invested than me. and now i know he was. I am trying to put in in a place where i understand its over and allow myself to feel joy in other ways again.

 

 

anyway the bottom line is, he wasn't fully invested in me and that was my own fault. i was not in a good position or place. he was initially fully invested in me in the earlier days, but in the end, he had left me mentally along time ago , only i didnt know, and was he looking for a way out. he had lititamate reasons to get out but i wish he articulated it to me. and as soon as something (someone) really made him feel good and he felt they were a good match and that she appreciated him, he got engaged. and now hes married.

 

this was a complete contrast to how he always treated me and promised me a life so this was devastating to my heart and sensibility. he used to talk like ...even "if he died he would come back and haunt me (in a good way). that he would love me after death"...blah , blah blah. now i am haunted alright, . with memories.

 

maybe i miss his friendship the most. or what could have been. but its over and i have to focus on my life now and do better and be a better person. this is my biggest goal.

 

i was no picnic for him and i didnt have as much to offer when it was all said and done. it was a long shot and i ruined it. i have other blessings from God and i have to focus on that now and make those situations better.

 

anyway, its just really is all so true, that life is not what it seems. we project only what we want to or are able to. so no grass is that green.

 

its good to not look at pictures and things till you're really ready, or unless in some way its truly therapeutic for you to do so. <---if that makes any sense.

[Sugarkane]

Yes I could never look back. Once I am gone in a week or too. I pushing it now, can't stand to be around her. As she can't stand to me around me. She started this. So coping is hard for me. But I could never go online and look at who she's with when that happens now but she won't say anything about it. Once they move on that's it. Your out of the picture. I use to cook for the two of us but she won't come home. Goes out and get men to pay for her meals. Enough about me.

 

Hang in there...

You must have been a good boyfriend to cook meals! I wish I could find someone like that.

[mtd4249]

IfiKnewThen --- the idea that looking at photos can be therapeutic came up in a conversation with my sister last night and it's interesting to see how people deal with things differently. My approach to photos after a breakup is to get rid of them - I can't see myself anytime in the future flicking though photo albums and thinking how nice it was travelling with my ex through Rome, Greece or any other place we went. Those photos were like the mortar between the bricks of our relationship -- but without the bricks the mortar is useless. My sister, however, keeps photos from her past relationship and although she doesn't always look at them, she said when she does it empowers her because it lets her see how far she has come in her life and how she has improved. Personally, I don't see how that mentality works but in some ways I wish I had it .... at least, I wouldn't have broken down in tears a couple of weeks ago when I tried going through the numerous photo albums my ex and I put together over the years!

[Renard99]

IfiKnewThen --- the idea that looking at photos can be therapeutic came up in a conversation with my sister last night and it's interesting to see how people deal with things differently. My approach to photos after a breakup is to get rid of them - I can't see myself anytime in the future flicking though photo albums and thinking how nice it was travelling with my ex through Rome, Greece or any other place we went. Those photos were like the mortar between the bricks of our relationship -- but without the bricks the mortar is useless. My sister, however, keeps photos from her past relationship and although she doesn't always look at them, she said when she does it empowers her because it lets her see how far she has come in her life and how she has improved. Personally, I don't see how that mentality works but in some ways I wish I had it .... at least, I wouldn't have broken down in tears a couple of weeks ago when I tried going through the numerous photo albums my ex and I put together over the years!

 

I've got rid of the non descript or random pictures of my ex but I've kept the ones of us at friend's parties, days out and on holidays. Those pictures are part of what made me who I am. They're part of my past. I lived that moment, whether it was me holding the camera or me in the picture, I was there... and... by the nature of the relationship, so was she. Sure, looking at them hurts, but by destroying evidence of her, I am, in some ways, destroying evidence of me and I just can't bring myself to do that. The way I get around it is to simply not look. I keep them locked away in the hope that when I'm older, when the memories have begun to fade but the photographs haven't, I can look at them again and remember that glorious holiday to Italy in 2010 or the wonderful occasion of my 25th birthday, instead of all the pain and hurt that I feel now over what could have been.