History repeating itself...My story

[TurningTables]

Hi all. Well..Ive been posting here and there. Ive had a couple of threads asking questions and such. I really want to thank everyone for their input. Ive been in NC almost two weeks. I wanted to share my story. A little background on me: I am a 30+year old MW going through the separation/divorce process. My M has been on the downward spiral for a long, long time. I stayed for my children, but realized I cannot live without emotional/physical things I need.

 

My xmm/best friend and I have known each other for 20+ years. We went to high school together. We dated briefly,but I only saw him as my friend, so nothing ever came out of it, however, we were super close. I even considered him one of my best friends.

 

Fast forward to 2 years ago, I thought I had seen him out. So, I looked him up on Facebook. (does anyone know how many relationships have been ruined by social media?) Anyway, we began talking about our lives. We would talk about our kids, jobs, just ordinary stuff. It was like all these years didnt exisit. We fell back into an old pattern of friendship that we used to have. We moved from talking on Fb to texting. Sometimes we would meet up for coffee, see each other at school( we both attend the same college). It was nice to have my friend back in my life. During the hard times of my M, I lost all my friends, self esteem, everything due to putting my whole life into saving my M.

I began noticing he didnt spend much time at home with his W and child. I would often ask about this: encouraging him to go home..talk to her..spend time with them. He finally told me that the demise of his M had started a long time ago, and he was on the fence about what he was going to do.I advised him the best way I knew how. I shared with him of my experinces of my M. Slowly, but surely floodgates started to open and he began telling me things about his past, filling in the gaps. What I hear really startled me. I wanted to help him because at that point, I still only saw him as my friend. I became his sounding board and confidant and vice versa.

 

Unfortunately, about three months ago, I had a friend visit from another state. We went to lunch, and I was expecting my normal "lunch hello" text and my friend noticed. He went crazy on me when he found out my xMM was married and advised me that I was in too deep. I examined my feelings and realized we were having an EA and that for the first time in my life, I was physically attracted to him. It was a huge shock to me. I ran straight to my xMM and told him. He admitted to me that he didnt trust himself around me and that we needed to set some boundaries in order to keep the friendship ( like stupid people who think they can turn back time). This went on for another month or so, when I finally just couldnt take it anymore. I wanted it all and I was steps away from acting upon a PA. I wrote him long emails explained what I thought we should do. He needed to figure out if he wanted his M or not. If he did, we had to say goodbye. If he didnt, we could still be friends, because from what Ive learned on here, that it takes time to mourn the loss of the M, adjust to the new life and esp because he has a young child.

 

He informed me that he didnt know what he was going to do. I went to NC without telling him. I know he is never coming back to me. It sucks to lose my best friend.

 

Ive learned alot from this site. I know that my situation is a little different, because I know I wasent in a "love fog". I truly loved this guy from a friendship point of view before any romantic feelings came into play.I struggle every day with the way I left things and wondering if there could be any other way to have closure.But just like in my other thread, I know this would set me back and I dont want to go there.

 

I will answer any questions or comments or reflections. There is so much more to this story than I could ever type.It feels nice to get some of it out. I dont really have anyone else to share it with. So thanks;)

[Silly_Girl]

Can't be easy... Then or now. You have strength and that will serve you well.

 

I'm glad you're here.

[bentnotbroken]

Hi all. Well..Ive been posting here and there. Ive had a couple of threads asking questions and such. I really want to thank everyone for their input. Ive been in NC almost two weeks. I wanted to share my story. A little background on me: I am a 30+year old MW going through the separation/divorce process. My M has been on the downward spiral for a long, long time. I stayed for my children, but realized I cannot live without emotional/physical things I need.

 

My xmm/best friend and I have known each other for 20+ years. We went to high school together. We dated briefly,but I only saw him as my friend, so nothing ever came out of it, however, we were super close. I even considered him one of my best friends.

 

Fast forward to 2 years ago, I thought I had seen him out. So, I looked him up on Facebook. (does anyone know how many relationships have been ruined by social media?) Anyway, we began talking about our lives. We would talk about our kids, jobs, just ordinary stuff. It was like all these years didnt exisit. We fell back into an old pattern of friendship that we used to have. We moved from talking on Fb to texting. Sometimes we would meet up for coffee, see each other at school( we both attend the same college). It was nice to have my friend back in my life. During the hard times of my M, I lost all my friends, self esteem, everything due to putting my whole life into saving my M.

I began noticing he didnt spend much time at home with his W and child. I would often ask about this: encouraging him to go home..talk to her..spend time with them. He finally told me that the demise of his M had started a long time ago, and he was on the fence about what he was going to do.I advised him the best way I knew how. I shared with him of my experinces of my M. Slowly, but surely floodgates started to open and he began telling me things about his past, filling in the gaps. What I hear really startled me. I wanted to help him because at that point, I still only saw him as my friend. I became his sounding board and confidant and vice versa.

 

Unfortunately, about three months ago, I had a friend visit from another state. We went to lunch, and I was expecting my normal "lunch hello" text and my friend noticed. He went crazy on me when he found out my xMM was married and advised me that I was in too deep. I examined my feelings and realized we were having an EA and that for the first time in my life, I was physically attracted to him. It was a huge shock to me. I ran straight to my xMM and told him. He admitted to me that he didnt trust himself around me and that we needed to set some boundaries in order to keep the friendship ( like stupid people who think they can turn back time). This went on for another month or so, when I finally just couldnt take it anymore. I wanted it all and I was steps away from acting upon a PA. I wrote him long emails explained what I thought we should do. He needed to figure out if he wanted his M or not. If he did, we had to say goodbye. If he didnt, we could still be friends, because from what Ive learned on here, that it takes time to mourn the loss of the M, adjust to the new life and esp because he has a young child.

 

He informed me that he didnt know what he was going to do. I went to NC without telling him. I know he is never coming back to me. It sucks to lose my best friend.

 

Ive learned alot from this site. I know that my situation is a little different, because I know I wasent in a "love fog". I truly loved this guy from a friendship point of view before any romantic feelings came into play.I struggle every day with the way I left things and wondering if there could be any other way to have closure.But just like in my other thread, I know this would set me back and I dont want to go there.

 

I will answer any questions or comments or reflections. There is so much more to this story than I could ever type.It feels nice to get some of it out. I dont really have anyone else to share it with. So thanks;)

 

 

Social media isn't doesn't ruin relationships, it's folks with weak boundaries that ruin relationships.

[MissBee]

You did the right thing TT albeit difficult and painful. It is often much easier to slide down the slippery slope and "go with the flow" then find yourself in some predicament you didn't bargain for or end up in a world of pain far worst than the one you're feeling now.

 

Things have a way of working themselves out and I love the idea that when there is upheaval, it is to clean away old debris and what is needed and rightfully yours stays., You reconnected with him on FB after some time of being apart, and I think that if he is meant to be in your life, it will come back around. When I was an OW, I was bestfriends with the guy and we spoke every single day, multiple times a day and when we went NC, it felt very strange and I mourned the lost of the friendship aspects and not just the romance...but time came to prove that you do get over it and other things in your life replace it.

 

If he is your bestfriend and if he is a reasonable and understanding guy, he will understand your decision and not expect for you to put yourself in some compromising and possibly hurtful position on his behalf when he doesn't know what he wants. So you shouldn't worry too much about him feeling bad or having negative feelings towards you...even if he does...if he is reasonable, overtime it will make sense to him why. If not, I say, he wasn't that great of a friend anyway.

 

There's no way around the pain and the what ifs and the rollercoaster of emotions, but you clearly have a good head on your shoulders and seem pretty grounded. You'll be just fine.

 

((((hugs)))

[TurningTables]

You did the right thing TT albeit difficult and painful. It is often much easier to slide down the slippery slope and "go with the flow" then find yourself in some predicament you didn't bargain for or end up in a world of pain far worst than the one you're feeling now.

 

Things have a way of working themselves out and I love the idea that when there is upheaval, it is to clean away old debris and what is needed and rightfully yours stays., You reconnected with him on FB after some time of being apart, and I think that if he is meant to be in your life, it will come back around. When I was an OW, I was bestfriends with the guy and we spoke every single day, multiple times a day and when we went NC, it felt very strange and I mourned the lost of the friendship aspects and not just the romance...but time came to prove that you do get over it and other things in your life replace it.

 

If he is your bestfriend and if he is a reasonable and understanding guy, he will understand your decision and not expect for you to put yourself in some compromising and possibly hurtful position on his behalf when he doesn't know what he wants. So you shouldn't worry too much about him feeling bad or having negative feelings towards you...even if he does...if he is reasonable, overtime it will make sense to him why. If not, I say, he wasn't that great of a friend anyway.

 

There's no way around the pain and the what ifs and the rollercoaster of emotions, but you clearly have a good head on your shoulders and seem pretty grounded. You'll be just fine.

 

((((hugs)))

 

 

 

Hi MissBee. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. I guess what I am seeking guidance/advice about is how I left things with him. After I had sent him the email, he said he would think and talk to me soon. We talk everyday, sometimes all day ( lol) so I didnt hear from him after two days. He contacted me on facebook and we had a small awkward conversation. I texted him the next day to tell him that if he didnt know what he was going to do, then we shouldnt talk, because it just confuses the situtation even more. He took what I said wrong in meaning that I needed an answer that minute. He was all over the place. Saying that he didnt want to lose me and that we could talk in person. It went from there to he didnt know what he was going to do, so I should assume the worst. Then, He promptly told me that he wasent going to hurt me anymore or string me along. After he said that to me, I never texted him back. I just left it. I deleted my FB, ( we have too many mutual friends), skype, his #..everything. I basicaly disappeared from cyberspace. lol That was almost two weeks ago and I havent heard from him since.

 

You have no idea how close Ive came to texting him to talk it out. I just dont know what to do.

[MissBee]

I think it's pretty common to feel NC guilt...and sometimes the other person can kind of send you on a guilt trip, whether they realize they are or not.

 

Many times after I was firm with my ex and told him what my standards and expectations were and that I couldn't do certain things anymore...I would feel bad afterward and try to renege on what I had said. Like you, it comes down to not wanting to end on a bad note and not wanting this person to think you hate them and just overall the scariness of everything. But from an outsider's perspective...I don't think he took it the wrong way, he's following your wishes. He doesn't know what he wants and therefore you can't talk. I think sometimes though we want to be the ones who end it and say bye and not if the other person is the one who stops replying and kind of starts the NC before us...which is what is happening.

 

I don't think there is really anything to explain and talk about...like what would you say if you got the chance to speak to him? Think about it and if it is the same things you've already said, it probably is a mind trick.

 

Our minds sometimes play tricks on us during break ups/NC, where it's like we feel we need to climb Mount Everest to do something as trivial as to ask this person what time it is, when we have on our own watch! Been there, done that. I remember I would get myself into tizzies about whether or not my ex was misinterpreting my last action, or needing to text or call him and say this and that so that he wouldn't think this or that and overanalyzing every action he did and I did so it wouldn't be taken the wrong way. It was like OCD! Where you need to check and recheck a door 400 times to make sure it is closed, when it is! It's nothing more than your mind and not reality. I was projecting so much, and in reality, I don't think he cared to that extent or was wondering about any of the things I thought he was wondering or upset about...but I told myself he was in fact distraught and worried therefore I kept myself invested and always needing to correct the situation

 

You didn't seem to leave anything ambiguous....you've spelled things out, way before that FB convo. Who knows what he is thinking or doing, but it sure isn't "because of you". You told him your requirements and needs and he told you his position. I don't see where anything was misunderstood or how a new convo would clarify anything. Trust the process . He should know you well enough and like I said, nothing seemed to be ambiguous in your actions, so you not hearing from him for 2 weeks is him respecting your wishes....it's not a misunderstanding or something to be corrected, it's the very purpose of NC. Not being in contact. Could you imagine texting/calling him to say: "Hey, I know I wanted NC ..and we're in NC...but just wanted to check if it is in fact NC NC or just you not talking to me and are you mad at me or confused? Oh...you're not confused...ohh okay, well glad that's clear, back to NC."

Edited June 24, 2011 by MissBee

[TurningTables]

lol..I love your last statement. It brought a smile to my miserable sad face. I guess after all this time, I am finally letting myself feel the pain and the hurt that Ive hidden for the past two weeks. It really sucks.Its one of those things where you know your head is telling you one thing; your heart another.

I miss him very much. I do however, think that if someone is meant to be in your life, they will be. It always has a way of coming back around. Maybe all this pain and sorrow is making a way for something or someone else special to come into my life.

 

But thanks for listening to me ramble and complain! ;)

[fooled once]

Hi MissBee. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. I guess what I am seeking guidance/advice about is how I left things with him. After I had sent him the email, he said he would think and talk to me soon. We talk everyday, sometimes all day ( lol) so I didnt hear from him after two days. He contacted me on facebook and we had a small awkward conversation. I texted him the next day to tell him that if he didnt know what he was going to do, then we shouldnt talk, because it just confuses the situtation even more. He took what I said wrong in meaning that I needed an answer that minute. He was all over the place. Saying that he didnt want to lose me and that we could talk in person. It went from there to he didnt know what he was going to do, so I should assume the worst. Then, He promptly told me that he wasent going to hurt me anymore or string me along. After he said that to me, I never texted him back. I just left it. I deleted my FB, ( we have too many mutual friends), skype, his #..everything. I basicaly disappeared from cyberspace. lol That was almost two weeks ago and I havent heard from him since.

 

You have no idea how close Ive came to texting him to talk it out. I just dont know what to do.

 

I applaud you for ending the affair. I applaud you for realizing you didn't deserve the little he could give you. I am sure because you talked all day long (how do people do this and still work? How do people do this and still have a family?) you think you really knew HIM; the HIM that his wife sees and deals with.

 

I do agree that FB and social media are excuses so many use to get in touch with former boyfriends. I have never done that nor would I want that; seems so incredibly juvenille and immature to me. People are in our past for a reason. I have no need or desire to rekindle a relationship with a former boyfriend from high school. I like to think I have matured and grown since then and I know for ME, to do that would be an utter betrayal of my husband.

 

Stay strong. He told you his marriage was bad before you two embarked on the EA. And yet he still stayed. I do not understand how a married person can use the kids as an excuse to stay married, but not see that having an affair is any less hurtful for the family. The kids are used as why a cheater won't leave, but not why a cheater won't cheat. So incredibly hypocritical to me.

 

You are on a new journey; go forwards, not backwards. He isn't who you should be with. He isn't who you need. You need to focus on you; on healing YOU - not just from your failed marriage; but on what caused you to seek out someone from 20+ years ago.

 

Dive into LIFE - embrace it and do all the things you want to do. I don't recall seeing if you have kids; but its summer so enjoy the kids and the summer and all that.

 

Look inside yourself and remember that you deserve to be someone's priority, not their option. Never settle for 2nd best.

 

I think you did a great thing by breaking things off. He told you he was conflicted ( load of crap if you ask me) and he doesn't know what he wants. BALONEY. He wants you and the wife.

 

Good luck and keep posting here instead of contacting him. Write him a letter; get your emotions out and feelings onto paper -- but just don't send it to him.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry you're hurting..You did the right thing by walking away (for you, your heart and mental health). Anytime you feel an urge to contact him, come post here.

 

I wish you all the best and hope you feel better soon.

[TurningTables]

I applaud you for ending the affair. I applaud you for realizing you didn't deserve the little he could give you. I am sure because you talked all day long (how do people do this and still work? How do people do this and still have a family?) you think you really knew HIM; the HIM that his wife sees and deals with.

 

I do agree that FB and social media are excuses so many use to get in touch with former boyfriends. I have never done that nor would I want that; seems so incredibly juvenille and immature to me. People are in our past for a reason. I have no need or desire to rekindle a relationship with a former boyfriend from high school. I like to think I have matured and grown since then and I know for ME, to do that would be an utter betrayal of my husband.

 

Stay strong. He told you his marriage was bad before you two embarked on the EA. And yet he still stayed. I do not understand how a married person can use the kids as an excuse to stay married, but not see that having an affair is any less hurtful for the family. The kids are used as why a cheater won't leave, but not why a cheater won't cheat. So incredibly hypocritical to me.

 

You are on a new journey; go forwards, not backwards. He isn't who you should be with. He isn't who you need. You need to focus on you; on healing YOU - not just from your failed marriage; but on what caused you to seek out someone from 20+ years ago.

 

Dive into LIFE - embrace it and do all the things you want to do. I don't recall seeing if you have kids; but its summer so enjoy the kids and the summer and all that.

 

Look inside yourself and remember that you deserve to be someone's priority, not their option. Never settle for 2nd best.

 

I think you did a great thing by breaking things off. He told you he was conflicted ( load of crap if you ask me) and he doesn't know what he wants. BALONEY. He wants you and the wife.

 

Good luck and keep posting here instead of contacting him. Write him a letter; get your emotions out and feelings onto paper -- but just don't send it to him.

 

 

FO: I hope you guys know how amazing you are. Ive written that letter that you spoke of and came so close to sending it, but I checked back here to re-read what MissBee wrote to me and now you. I went back and deleted it. Its funny that you wrote that he wanted both of us ( me and his W) because both of my friends that know of about the situtation said the same thing to me. They basically called him a cake-eater, however, I dont think up until this point he realized what a toll it has taken on me to maintain this friendship. I have to give him kuddos though, he never made a physical move towards me, and he did at the end say he wasent going to hurt me anymore. Which means alot in my mind. As far as staying in a bad M because of kids, I can tell you why. I did it. I felt in my mind that I was giving my kids the best chance at a life with both parents. I went on, pretending, and living a huge lie. When the truth finally came out, everyone on the outside, was shocked. We looked to be the "couple that made it" but on the inside it was emotional mess.

 

As for contacting him on FB, I thought it would be cool to chat. Ive reconnected with so many friends that I was close to in high school on there. Its nice to see how people's lives have changed, to look at their kids and hear about their experiences. Its so funny because some people that you would never had thought would marry such and such..ended up together with like 5 kids. lol

 

Anyway, I know that each day I make it through with NC, I am taking a step forward. I am not sure about him though. He works with my brother in law and sees him every day so, Im pretty sure that it stays fresh in his mind what he lost. I am glad I dont have a reminder like that one.

[TurningTables]

Sorry you're hurting..You did the right thing by walking away (for you, your heart and mental health). Anytime you feel an urge to contact him, come post here.

 

I wish you all the best and hope you feel better soon.

 

 

WWIU: Thank you for your encouragement. You guys rock! :bunny::bunny:

[TurningTables]

Social media isn't doesn't ruin relationships, it's folks with weak boundaries that ruin relationships.

 

Bent: I read your backstory. I hope that you know one of your posts really moved me. I cannot remember where it was posted but I know it was something about you waiting in a dr's office? My heart went out to you. This made me think of how my xbestfriend/MM wife's side of the whole picture. I had thought about her as an afterthought and was ashamed of myself that I was hurting someone that didnt deserve it. I dont think that alot of OW/OM think about the other person in the situtation. There is always two sides of the story and alot of people are selfish ( me included) that dont realize the full impact of their actions. Its like a ripple effect.

 

As far as the social media, its like I said in my orignal post. I never set out for anything to come out of anything. IF I do re-activate my FB ( which will be a long long time coming) I think Im wiser.

[fooled once]

FO: I hope you guys know how amazing you are. Ive written that letter that you spoke of and came so close to sending it, but I checked back here to re-read what MissBee wrote to me and now you. I went back and deleted it. Its funny that you wrote that he wanted both of us ( me and his W) because both of my friends that know of about the situtation said the same thing to me. They basically called him a cake-eater, however, I dont think up until this point he realized what a toll it has taken on me to maintain this friendship. I have to give him kuddos though, he never made a physical move towards me, and he did at the end say he wasent going to hurt me anymore. Which means alot in my mind. As far as staying in a bad M because of kids, I can tell you why. I did it. I felt in my mind that I was giving my kids the best chance at a life with both parents. I went on, pretending, and living a huge lie. When the truth finally came out, everyone on the outside, was shocked. We looked to be the "couple that made it" but on the inside it was emotional mess.

 

As for contacting him on FB, I thought it would be cool to chat. Ive reconnected with so many friends that I was close to in high school on there. Its nice to see how people's lives have changed, to look at their kids and hear about their experiences. Its so funny because some people that you would never had thought would marry such and such..ended up together with like 5 kids. lol

 

Anyway, I know that each day I make it through with NC, I am taking a step forward. I am not sure about him though. He works with my brother in law and sees him every day so, Im pretty sure that it stays fresh in his mind what he lost. I am glad I dont have a reminder like that one.

 

I divorced my ex when my son was 6. There was no way in the world I wanted him growing up thinking what his dad and I had was a "normal" marriage. When I divorced my ex, I got sole custody, the house and ALL the debt. I reduced his child support to 1/2 what the state would order. I had a house payment of $1200 a month and I was bringing in $1600 a month. Daycare was $140 a week and I worked 30 miles away from our home. WE WERE DIRT POOR; but let me tell you, those were some of the happiest times in my life. My son and I had a good life; lots of friends, wonderful supportive parents/grandparents and each other. Life was tough monetarily, but I wouldn't change a bit of it. I then met my now H and he became a step father to my son and showed my son what a dad is; showed him what a H is and today, 13+ years later, my son is grown, owns his own home, is happy and well adjusted. He is a wonderful young man and his relationship with his stepdad is rock solid. He spent Father's Day with my husband, not his the man whose DNA he shares.

 

Do not ever settle for less than you deserve - never ever.

 

Good luck.

[FightClub]

Fooled Once,

 

Wow.

 

I didn't realize just what kind of situation you were in post divorce, I think that's amazing that you've lived and seen it from that perspective and the fact that your H is an amazing dad to a child that is not his own is also great.

 

It really just depends on the type of person you stumble upon in life after you reach a certain point.

 

To Turningtables,

 

I believe you did what you had to do to protect yourself, hold your ground in NC and just do what's best for you and the children, whatever is meant to happen in the future will happen but you have to focus on *you*, let everything that is in the past work itself out.

 

You never know what life has in store for you, it might just surprise you when you least expect!

 

-FC

Edited June 25, 2011 by FightClub

[TurningTables]

FO: All I can say is Wow! I am so glad that you have found happiness in your life. Thank for your for sharing.

 

 

FC: Thank you for the kind words. I am going to hold my ground. I am not settling for second best. I am worth sooo much more. lol