Should he tell his W?

[Eirene]

Hi everyone

 

I've just lost a long post due to my internet connection how frustrating!

 

But there have been some really insightful and considered posts on this thread and I am much more focussed on my course of action now.

 

My gut feeling is not that he is lying to me or that once committed, he will not do what he says.

 

It is just that he seems to be expecting me to wait around while he takes some considerable amount of time to sort out his separation and divorce (yes I have asked about that and I haven;t had an answer - yet). The only agreement so far is separation.

 

The problem with that I see is not the waiting per se, it's that if I continue to see him during this time, he will probably assume I'm OK with it taking ages, to continue to be seeing each other in secret, and that I'm not that bothered.

 

But I am bothered about it. I want to be with him properly, openly, and I need more reassurance from him than I am currently getting that he will follow through and that he won't allow it to take longer than is absolutely necessary.

 

So, I am not going to see him (we have agreed not to at the moment, anyway) until I can feel more confident about the situation.

 

I will leave it up to him whether he tells his W. I believe that the truth generally does out at some point, but I won;t force the issue.

 

I do recognize a lot in what some people have said about my possible motivations, and I think I need to consider those more carefully.

 

Thank you again, everyone

[MissBee]

:laugh:my my my you kiss enough hogs and one of them will turn into the prize pig at the fair. If I were to entertain 50 married men one of them would darn tootin leave the homestead.

 

'Tis true

 

I think one of my very posts here was in response to someone making the accusation that people act like As can never turn out well, and my response was to use the analogy of the lottery. Of course it is quite possible to win the lottery. Possibility and probability aren't the same. Anything is possible....however, less things are probable.

 

There's an entire documentary show called "How The Lottery Changed My Life", which is about people who beat the odds and won the lottery and live marvelous lives now. I'm sure many people are hooked on that show, pinning their hopes and dreams on the lottery as their ticket, when in all probability, they most likely won't end up like those people. But keep hope alive, I do, I watch and think hmmmm it COULD be me

 

Betting on an affair for your happily ever after is like betting on the lottery to start living your fabulous, wealthy life. You're better off finding someone else or getting a job/being an entrepreneur or something. If you do win ofcourse everyone is going to point out that it's different and congratulate you for your success...but it doesn't change the fact that it's not the norm. If I were to go into an affair, I'd rather assume it wasn't going to work out and have life surprise me if it does, than to think it will.

Edited June 24, 2011 by MissBee

[MissBee]

I was an OW for quite a few years. Believe me it is not an urban myth. There are all sorts of sites for people in affairs populated primarily by women. The stories are unique yet the same. Girl meets married boy who is unhappy in his marriage. He is staying for his kids, finances, W is unstable. I even heard a couple of stories that he is staying for the pets. Then there is the ever popular no sex.

 

No one joins any of these sites unless they are sorting out demons and heavens knows I have my own. Really HOW are just that because people who are really happy and secure with what they have have no need for support boards. you can stick a smiley face emoticon on a post but it does not change the truth that by and large affairs suck for a single woman and the ripples spread far and wide.

 

Forget about the W for a minute (I know not popular). Affairs even if they work out leave you with....issues. It's why I am here and why everyone else here is, well, here .

 

I completely agree...

 

My stance will always be that choosing to be involved in affair speaks to some type of issue, even if that issue is unbeknown to you.

 

Is there a chance that some people in affairs are perfectly, healthy, well adjusted and the affair isn't speaking to some problem...maybe...maybe that is a small minority of people...I am sure it is not most though.

 

My first advice to anyone involved in any kind of dubious relationship scenario, affair or other, is to first step back and take an honest look at the self. We're very good at looking at the other party's involvement and a vast majority of other things that don't have anything to do with our selves...our true selves...If after you have honestly done that, it's concluded that you do not have some type of unspoken issue, then by all means carry on. But until then...I can't really celebrate your affair as some sort of healthy option, like liking tall, dark and handsome men or something.

[fooled once]

I think it's an LS urban myth that OW think this. I hardly EVER see it said by an OW here. I know I said it at one point, long ago and I was told 'everyone thinks that!', maybe they think it but it's not often in an OW's OP.

 

We must be reading different sites then. It is stated MANY MANY times that 'their' MM is different, and honest, and truthful and IS leaving....and then years and years go by and, shocker, he doesn't.

 

Many even start their threads with "I believed my affair to be different UNTIL I started reading here..." Heck, many at the "other" site will beat their chest to declare how "their" MM is different and how there is no cookie-cutter answer and how each MM is unique.

 

I was an OW for quite a few years. Believe me it is not an urban myth. There are all sorts of sites for people in affairs populated primarily by women. The stories are unique yet the same. Girl meets married boy who is unhappy in his marriage. He is staying for his kids, finances, W is unstable. I even heard a couple of stories that he is staying for the pets. Then there is the ever popular no sex.

 

No one joins any of these sites unless they are sorting out demons and heavens knows I have my own. Really HOW are just that because people who are really happy and secure with what they have have no need for support boards. you can stick a smiley face emoticon on a post but it does not change the truth that by and large affairs suck for a single woman and the ripples spread far and wide.

 

Forget about the W for a minute (I know not popular). Affairs even if they work out leave you with....issues. It's why I am here and why everyone else here is, well, here.

 

Good post. Definitely agree with the bolded.

 

I am constantly amused by OW who "know" how someone else's marriage is going, what is being discussed and what the outcomes of those discussions are. I think so many like to think they are "in the know" because the MM told them so. And yet, we can easily read the Infidelity section and we see time and time again that when a cheater is confronted with the wife and told "hit the road Jack", he begs and pleads for another chance, throwing the OW under the bus, backing up over her and running over her again and again; stating how it was just sex, how she stalked him, how it meant nothing to him, blah blah blah.

 

Eirene, I know you want to believe everything he says, and isn't it coincidental how NOW you two are 'taking a break' when the whole leaving discussion is going on. Of course he is expecting you to wait around. He has had numerous opportunities to end his marriage and he hasn't. If he loves you, like you believe he does, he would NEVER want you to feel like you are nothing but a secret lover. But, he continues to stay married. I know you really want to believe it is due to a small child, but honey, MANY MANY men divorce with a small child. Heck, how much time is he spending with that child anyway when he is on the phone with you or with you? Obviously not enough to make him care or he would NOT be having an affair.

 

You have already shown him that you are willing to accept it; because you didn't end the affair before you slept with him. You chose to continue to sneak around and he chose to lie to his wife. He probably knows he has to throw you a bone every now and then to look like he is really separating, but until you see the actual papers or see one of them moving out, it is all lip service.

[Eirene]

FooledOnce I am divorced with a small child too so I know it is possible to do it and the world doesn;t fall apart

 

That would never be an excuse that I would accept, and he knows it. There is no excuse he can give me for not ending his marriage, if he wants to be with me properly.

 

I do also acknowledge I was not in the best place emotionally when I got into this. I was on the rebound from another relationship and MM was a comfort to me at first. I think we both agree we got into this for the wrong reasons but now having got to know each other, we both agree we'd like to make this something permanent in the right way.

 

I think time apart might give us both the opportunity to get some perspective on whether we both really do feel that way and it's not just the affair talking.

[Breezy Trousers]

FooledOnce I am divorced with a small child too so I know it is possible to do it and the world doesn;t fall apart

 

That would never be an excuse that I would accept, and he knows it. There is no excuse he can give me for not ending his marriage, if he wants to be with me properly.

 

I do also acknowledge I was not in the best place emotionally when I got into this. I was on the rebound from another relationship and MM was a comfort to me at first. I think we both agree we got into this for the wrong reasons but now having got to know each other, we both agree we'd like to make this something permanent in the right way.

 

I think time apart might give us both the opportunity to get some perspective on whether we both really do feel that way and it's not just the affair talking.

 

Single with child? On the rebound? Be careful. Lots of MM find single women with children to be super easy targets for affairs. Such women are often seeking security through MM and are more likely to make themselves sexually available to MM. MM know that and play into it.

 

Even if you win MM, try to look at it long term. A co-worker of mine was in your situation 18 years ago -- single mom -- and her man left his long-term marriage and kids to be with her. Within several years, she saw what she "won" was an emotional four-year-old. In the 10th year of their marriage, she learned he was cheating on her. She began cheating, too. It's an awful situation now. They are still "married," for what it is. She's very unhappy and certainly not in love with him. She loves the security but not him. She barely tolerates him. It's a sad way for people to live.

 

People who don't have the emotional maturity to deal with the first marriage aren't going to suddenly demonstrate that in the second marriage just because they rearranged the furniture -- not without lots of therapy, anyway.

 

Women in affairs need to look hard at their situations. Often, there's a vulnerability -- single mother, subordinate, age difference, recent loss of spouse -- not too far away.

 

Miss Bee wrote:

 

My stance will always be that choosing to be involved in affair speaks to some type of issue, even if that issue is unbeknown to you.

 

My first advice to anyone involved in any kind of dubious relationship scenario, affair or other, is to first step back and take an honest look at the self. We're very good at looking at the other party's involvement and a vast majority of other things that don't have anything to do with our selves...our true selves...If after you have honestly done that, it's concluded that you do not have some type of unspoken issue, then by all means carry on. But until then...I can't really celebrate your affair as some sort of healthy option, like liking tall, dark and handsome men or something.

 

I agree with Miss Bee. Most people won't do this until a crisis, though. I would add that most women on this site, myself included, don't have the clarity to address these issues until we're out of love fog or have been in NC for a long time. It's impossible to have much clarity while you're in the EA or PA. You're too caught up in the roller coaster.