OK, I'm at a loss and I need some help! I'll take whatever I can get!

[superman10]

Ok, my girl and I were together for nearly 5 years, officially 3 though. I'm not worried that there is no love left...because that is not the issue.

We just recently broke up and it has not been an easy thing, for me at least. Sometimes it seems as if things are getting back to normal, but then she backs up again. I dont know what I have to do. I know she misses me, but I dont know how to make her miss me more. For instance, she checks my instant messenger profile AT LEAST once a day. Theres always stuff in there saying that I love her and miss her....blah blah blah. I work at a bar in the town she lives, but she never comes in there. She says she always hears about me hangin around with other girls, when it just ends up that I was talking to a girl. The whole issue is ironic because most of when I do talk to other girls, its mostly about her and trying to get input on how she feels. Its been about a month now...to the point that I miss her enough that I have unintentionally isolated myself from nearly everyone. I have a small interest in another girl now, yet nothing has happened, mainly because of how I feel about my ex. Not even a kiss. Now she asked me who this girl was and I told her it was just a friend, and she flipped, sayin " yea, you probably F***** her all ready!" WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT!! It kinda makes me feel good when she checks my info and stuff, as if she just wants to see what I've been up to. The main problem was that when she was with her friends and vice versa the other would get upset...then when I did make an effort to hang out with them...shes the one that came to me and said she was uncomfortable with me being there.

I'm not going to lie, we had a fairly verbally abusive relationship, but it finally took its toll, and at least I got the help i needed to be better towards her and everyone else in my life. But I still have those other people...and not the person I love and want the most.

Please HELP me get her back. What can I do to make her miss me to the point that she can forget everything that happened and look at the present and the future. A big problem is that even other people outside the situation have noticed that her friends have been talking out of her mouth...and they all seem to think she loves me a lot...she has issues that she needs help with and refuses. I have issues that she is the only person I feel comfortable talking to about...now i feel like I have no one.

[kimberlee]

I read everything that you wrote twice,

I know for myself when I am unsure of what I am feeling I would check on my ex b/f, What would make me miss him even more is when I seen the changes, like you said that she checks your profile everyday, well she is checking and reasurring herself that she still has a chance to be with you, I would change it, the old saying,

"never know what you got until it is gone" really for girls that is true. i know alot of girls that do the same thing, The minute that she thinks that you are gone she will want to see you tralk to you be with you. If you are always there for her then she knows that she can always get you back. I hate it because it seems like such a game, but it does work. I know it does and many other girls do also. Right Girls?

Good Luck

[LuvHurtsme]

Superman, I was recently in the same situation until a few days ago. Kimberlee is right. Act as if you have put it past you. For the moment she knows she can go back to you, so she is secure in being away from you. But as she suggested, add a little spice to your profile and it'll hit her that your trying to move on. You guys will get back together, the kind of bond a relationship of 3 years has built up doesn't just fade. However I warn you now it may take some time.

 

BTW could you tell us why you guys broke up?

[superman10]

Hey guys, thanks for the advice. I actually have done that kind of stuff...like sprucing up my profile, but it usually just falls back into the I love yous...and stuff like that.

As for the one question...there are I would say a lot that lead to us breaking up. Mainly just knit-picking at one another. When we first started going out, we were both 4 years younger. There was one instance of cheating on my part. But technically, that was before we were officially together as a couple. But I realize it hurt her and it ended up hurting me too.

One major problem, which maybe you could help out with is that anytime we would fight, she would bring up stuff that happened in the past. It really hurts, but the thing I cant understand is why cant she move on to something else. Whats in the past is in the past, theres nothing either of us can do about it.

I really want her back...with all my heart. She just turned 22 and I am going on 26. In my opinion, its time for the high school games to stop. HELP ME GET MY GIRL!!!

 

Also, are there any suggestions for the profile???

 

Thanks

[Becks84]

I agree with them, but don't do anything stupid. If she ends up finding out about you doing who-knows-what with other girls, she may just become very angry and move on herself. JUst be careful what you do. I do think though that she needs to know that you are okay so that she can no longer find comfort in the fact that you are obsessing over her. SHe will keep dragging you along and confusing the heck out of you for as long as you let her. I'm sorry I dont remember, did you say you've talked to her and told her how you feel? Well if you have told her everything thats on your mind and what you truly feel, then that's all you can do for now. Good luck!!

[Becks84]

What's in the past needs to stay in the past for there to be a present and a future. Maybe that's why things have never been the greatest with you two as far as the arguing and bickering. SHe seems to have some kept-in resentment from a long time ago that she has issues with letting go. I think she wants to forget about the cheating incident, which is why she stayed w/ you for so long, but is having trouble doing so. I am in such a position. I want things to be normal with my boyfriend again after his "sort-of" cheating incident. The comments and the sarcastic remarks constantly come out of my mouth. I feel some resentment, but it goes away more and more each day it seems, as he sits there and takes the treatment I give him about this I am however working very hard on trying to put this in the past and leaving it there. I am giving myself time; however much time I need, as this is a recent thing that happened. But I know we cannot have a healthy relationship and carry on as we were for the 2 years before this if I do not truly let this go and put all my trust back in him. I joined LS for such advice on letting this go, I am reading relationship books, and other things of the sort. SO ANYWAY...back to you...try and take care of yourself and move on in some areas of your life; hopefully she will come around. As cheesy as it sounds, if it is meant to be, it will be. Best of luck to you.

[superman10]

Hey guys, thanks again for all of the advice. I too have been reading my relationship books and stuff, trying to better myself. Its getting to the point that I feel like I am the only one of us trying to do that. I know she is suffering as much as I am. I'm not saying that I am doing anything with anyone else...because I'm not. I cant do it, just because I know it would still hurt her. That is something I just dont want to do. I am going to Disney World next week, on a trip that WE together were supposed to go on. At first I was hesitant to go without her...i mean my mom and brother will still be there...but we planned this for a year together and I still am going to be thinking about her the whole time I am down there.

Please help me....I mean, what can I do, put in my profiles, ANYTHING .... I am trying to seem like I am ok to at least her, even when I know that I am miserable!!! I guess I'm kind of using the trip just to get away from here for a while. Hopefully while I'm gone shes thinkin about me being there without her...I dont know...I'm just tired of being sad all the time.

[superman10]

Well just an update for you all. My trip to Disney World is coming tomorrow evening. The trip that WE as a couple were supposed to go on. I'm hoping she is going to be up here missing me. Recently she just checked my info on my instant messenger for the 128th time. It makes me feel better knowing that she is checking up on me. I havent actually talked to her, but when I did on the phone, shes accusing me of being with other girls and stuff. It really pisses me off. I know we love each other so much...but it gets so frustrating...

 

 

Let me know what you guys think. I want this girl back sooo bad, I'll do just about anything.

 

Thanks

 

Superman!

[Lilyann]

Superman,

 

I went through this EXACT situation. I need more info to help you out.

[superman10]

Hey, Lily...and all, thanks for wantin to help me out. For more info, read the very first post...if you need more, message me on AOL instant messenger. My screen name is FEARTHEHANKY - or Dreamreaper010. What do you wanna know??? Just feel free to ask!

 

Thanks

Superman

[Lilyann]

I don't have aol so I cannot instant message you. LOL your situation sounds all to familiar. Tell me why the two of you broke up to begin with? Where are the two of you in your lives? As I said I need this basic info then I should be able to give you some advice. At least from my situation.

[Blah Toolz]

I'm pretty much going through the same thing right now, except I haven't been able to get away from her -- because we're in the same classes. I'll just have to see what time holds for me when the summer hits, and I won't have any excuse to see her. What I have to realize though, is that I've told her all this stuff about how I still love her and she keeps stringing me along -- giving me false hope, like alot of the others have said in the topic.

 

Here's a question though, how do you check who has viewed your profile on Instant Messenger? LOL.

[superman10]

I can check who views my profile because it is through a subprofile....sorry!!!

 

And she has just checked it for the 130th time.

 

Lily....we broke up because we both continuously knit-picked at each other. We hated when each of us would go out with our friends. Then when we were supposed to give each others friends a chance, i hung out with her and hers....well shes the one that came to me saying that she felt uncomfortable with me being there. So all I could say was damn!!!

We tended to have an equally verbally abusive relationship...constant name calling and stuff. I found out and realized that I was doing things to her mainly because thats what I was used to, either getting it done to me, or growing up around it...i.e, my parents divorce. The biggest thing I then realized is that I love this girl with all of my heart...and I would do anything for her. So I confronted it, got help..talking to others, reading books...making myself a better man....for her, and for myself. While exploring all these "skeletons" in my closet, I realized that there is so much that I need her to help me confront and talk to about...but shes not there. I do know that we are both still in love with each other. April 30th would have been 4 years....I am 25, she is 22. I am leaving for OUR trip to Disney World, unfortunately without her. But I know we'll be missing each other. Hopefully with 1500 miles between us...we can think to ourselves...and try to figure things out..

 

Hope that clears some stuff up....thanks!!!

 

Superman

[Lilyann]

Ok, lets see...... where do I start. I dated a guy for 5 years and 3 years (officially). We also got into verbal fights and loved each other so much that we never wanted to be away from one another. However, now that I look back at our relationship I realize that what tore us apart was the neediness that we had for each other. We did not want to be away from each other because we were so in love with each other. I could picture myself spending the rest of my life with this man and baring his children. There was only one problem..... we spent to much time together and we did not have our own identities. Your ex is young as I was. You both only know each other. I met my ex when I was 18 he had just turned 21. I am figuring the age difference is quite similar.

 

I know that our situations are similar, but not exact. I do hope that my post will help you. Choose what pieces fit. I hope that you can fix the love between you. He chose to marry someone after only dating them for four months. This is after he proposed to me twice. Time is a key factor to this.

 

I believe that your ex is very curious as to what you are doing because she wants to be with you. HOWEVER, she does not want to be with you right now. She kind of knows what she misses, but the full reality of the situation has not hit her yet. Do not think about what you are missing at this time, what could or possibly will happen to your relation, and if she communicates with you. She wants to keep tabs on you, to she what it is your doing. She wants to see if you have moved on. IF you choose to do so she does not want you to, but rather wants you to ponder over her. Do not do this or think of what has gone wrong. This will only get you depressed. EVERYTHING IN LIFE HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

 

Your girlfriend appears to need time for herself to grow up, but she truly does not want to let you go during this process. She wants you, but again does not want to be with you at this moment. It could also be a possibility that she was feeling caged in. You did not mention how long it was that you had been Borden or even if you had broken up before.

 

The main advice that I can offer is do not weigh out what has happened. If you are constantly picking at what each other does or says you need a break from each other before it is a permanent break. My ex and I always picked at each other. If I am right is it always about the stupidest things??? Give her time to do what it is that she feels she needs to do. Remember that there is a four year difference between the two of you. Do not put yourself out on the line trying to make yourself a better person for her, do it for yourself. Be aware that if you completely open yourself up at this time, it might have the adverse effect. Try not to be needy or show her how you feel. Just try to be her friend. When she says that you are involved with another girl or whatever she is attempting to get a response from you on whether or not you would do that are not. IT is a complete female thing and an ego boost. she is wanting you to say baby all I want is you and only you. However, don't say this because you will become the putty in her hand. Try to be her friend, not her other half. Once you have this complete friendship, I think the rest will work itself out. My ex and I do not have the friendship, we are now trying to figure that out. I do not know how his wife feels about us being friends, but we have been for eight years. I DO miss him more than I have ever realized until I saw your post.

 

I hope that this has helped. Please let me know what you think and if I can help any more. Also, chose your IM to be nothing about her. afterall if is YOUR im.

 

Good LUCK!

 

Lilyann

[superman10]

OK sorry folks, me and my warped situation have had a lot of change, kinda...before I start thats to Lilyann cause your situation is almost exactly like mine.

 

Ok here goes....

 

After returning home from Disney and stuff...I've tried to avoid contacting my ex as much as possible...ALL contact that has happened has been initiated by her. Text messages...(I was the first one to get her new cell number..) She has called late at nights, usually when she returns from going out and stuff. I know that she hasnt been seeing anyone else. Slowly I have tried to go out on a couple dates, but nothing has ever happened, because usually when I do go out with another girl, I want it to be her...and it hasn't been.

 

I posted photos of my trip to Disney on the net, as well as pics of us, and our puppy and stuff...she said she was surprised that I put pics of her on the album and stuff because "I wouldn't have done that before"...I guess. Anyhow...she called me after viewing them and when I started discussing the trip to Disney, she said, "let's not talk about that...that upsets me." Is this because she knows she was supposed to go?????? When we do talk it usually ends up with her saying something about me and being with this supposed new girlfriend I have and stuff, which is not true...and she gets upset or pissed off and we don't talk for a few days, until at least the next time she calls me!! Everytime we are about to get off the phone, I always do tell her that I love her no matter what and I will always be there for her.

 

Last weekend, she called while I was over an hour away from home, saying that she was sick and having chest pains. I asked her what exactly she wanted me to do for her. She snipped back saying, "I thought you said you would always be there for me!" then she hung up!! Was this just a cry cause she was lonely or something? I don't get it!!! She hasnt called me since.

 

Its still hurts me everytime I think about her. I just really miss her as much now as I did 4 months ago. I dont know what I should to...help me out folks!!!

 

Thanks....

 

Superman