dysfunctional families

[candi]

i could of easily written that post above from lisa "one foot out the door" i too grew up in a totally dysfuntional family, i was the youngest of three sisters and one brother at home and two older ones that already lived out of the home. there was only two years difference between my sisters and me but the other two were older then that. anyway, when i was four i was sent away to a sanitarium for five months with t.b. when i came home i didn't remember any one and it took along time to re-adjust. as we entered our teens my sisters took to hating me, literally, my mom stopped hugging us, i don't remember her ever telling us she loved us, but i'm sure she did. but my one sister really started hating me and i never understood why until years later. i got pregnant when i was sixteen and she started telling me that she hoped my baby would be born dead, that i would die, over and over again. my mom would tell her to stop but she wouldn't. i was so hurt by her meanness to me, but she was there when i went into labor and never again said anything like that to me, she even became my sons god mother. well six years later i'd find out why she said those things to me, it turned out that she had been raped by her boyfriend and got pregnant and had an abortion at five months, the baby was a boy and he was still alive. i never new! anyway, when we were younger i use to like to dress in the latest fashions which at that time were hot pants and tube tops, my sisters dressed in long shorts, peddle pushers and t-shirts or tank tops, nothing to expose their bodies too much, no cleavage. so for this i was called a whore, slut, bitch on and on for years, oh i use to wear make up too. i use to run to my mom when they'd pick on me, so i became "mommy's baby" and i emphasize "baby" very sarcastically. what was i suppose to do, take it and fight back i guess but i've never been in a fight in my whole fourty some years! so my point is that i am always looking for an escape as well. i have been in alot of counseling, they all say i have low self-esteem but i don't think it's that low. but i always want out of a relationship as soon as it starts going "too good" as long as it is chaotic and crazy i am happy. my current b'f is stable and predictable and i fight the urge also on a daily basis to flee from him or to start up something to make some excitement, a habit i try so hard to break but it is hard to break. i am also very claustaphobia but so is my youngest but she never grew up like i did, i made sure of it, but maybe i smothered her too much and that is why. so what do you think of that? is there hope for someone with my history. by the way, i get along great now with my sisters, two of them anyway, one is deceased, i hate my brother and get along so-so with my other sister and my oldest brother i like him alot cause he was never mean to me. what can a person do to overcome such obstacles? any advice would be appreciated! thank you, candi

[Deejette]

It sounds like you understand yourself very well. Sometimes people keep recreating the same situation they grew up with because it is the only thing they know. So if things get too good, they are uncomfortable, because they are not used to it. But if you know this about yourself, you can stop yourself from destroying your relationship with the nice, stable, guy, and from destroying your life as well.

 

You can say to yourself, "Today I am willing to change my old patterns of chaos and unhappiness. I will work to create a happy life. I am willing to forgive my brothers and sisters for the past and begin a new life of peace and happiness." If you say this many times a day, things will change for you, if you really want them to.

i could of easily written that post above from lisa "one foot out the door" i too grew up in a totally dysfuntional family, i was the youngest of three sisters and one brother at home and two older ones that already lived out of the home. there was only two years difference between my sisters and me but the other two were older then that. anyway, when i was four i was sent away to a sanitarium for five months with t.b. when i came home i didn't remember any one and it took along time to re-adjust. as we entered our teens my sisters took to hating me, literally, my mom stopped hugging us, i don't remember her ever telling us she loved us, but i'm sure she did. but my one sister really started hating me and i never understood why until years later. i got pregnant when i was sixteen and she started telling me that she hoped my baby would be born dead, that i would die, over and over again. my mom would tell her to stop but she wouldn't. i was so hurt by her meanness to me, but she was there when i went into labor and never again said anything like that to me, she even became my sons god mother. well six years later i'd find out why she said those things to me, it turned out that she had been raped by her boyfriend and got pregnant and had an abortion at five months, the baby was a boy and he was still alive. i never new! anyway, when we were younger i use to like to dress in the latest fashions which at that time were hot pants and tube tops, my sisters dressed in long shorts, peddle pushers and t-shirts or tank tops, nothing to expose their bodies too much, no cleavage. so for this i was called a whore, slut, bitch on and on for years, oh i use to wear make up too. i use to run to my mom when they'd pick on me, so i became "mommy's baby" and i emphasize "baby" very sarcastically. what was i suppose to do, take it and fight back i guess but i've never been in a fight in my whole fourty some years! so my point is that i am always looking for an escape as well. i have been in alot of counseling, they all say i have low self-esteem but i don't think it's that low. but i always want out of a relationship as soon as it starts going "too good" as long as it is chaotic and crazy i am happy. my current b'f is stable and predictable and i fight the urge also on a daily basis to flee from him or to start up something to make some excitement, a habit i try so hard to break but it is hard to break. i am also very claustaphobia but so is my youngest but she never grew up like i did, i made sure of it, but maybe i smothered her too much and that is why. so what do you think of that? is there hope for someone with my history. by the way, i get along great now with my sisters, two of them anyway, one is deceased, i hate my brother and get along so-so with my other sister and my oldest brother i like him alot cause he was never mean to me. what can a person do to overcome such obstacles? any advice would be appreciated! thank you, candi

[candi]

It sounds like you understand yourself very well. Sometimes people keep recreating the same situation they grew up with because it is the only thing they know. So if things get too good, they are uncomfortable, because they are not used to it. But if you know this about yourself, you can stop yourself from destroying your relationship with the nice, stable, guy, and from destroying your life as well. You can say to yourself, "Today I am willing to change my old patterns of chaos and unhappiness. I will work to create a happy life. I am willing to forgive my brothers and sisters for the past and begin a new life of peace and happiness." If you say this many times a day, things will change for you, if you really want them to.

[Tony T]

You have got many serious issues. One that will always interfere with relationships is your addiction to chaos. I mean you came from a Blue Ribbon dysfunctional family. It could take you as little as two and as many as ten years to overcome all the issues that have your family as their origin.

 

I urge you to read books on Adult Childre From Dysfunctional Families, books on Co-dependence, books on dealing with anger (you have a great deal of suppressed anger). Also read as many books by John Bradshaw as you can. He writes about alcoholic families but they applie to you as well. Put his name in your search engine at see what you can find. John Bradshaw had a PBS series called: Bradshaw on the Family about ten years ago. If you can find the tapes, listen to the audio tapes...or get the videos.

 

You will have to dedicate every breating moment of your life for the next few years to stabilize yourself, become a more functioning, calm, relaxed person without the anger, fear, etc.