Is my husband cheating

[Sansa]

Let me start by saying I love my husband and my family is the most important thing to me. We have been married 2.5 years and in that time our lifes have changed a lot we have both grown from these changes. The biggest change came with the birth of our daughter, she is one years old and the light of both of our eyes. Our goal was always to have one more since we started late in life we decided to have the next baby sooner than later so I am now almost five months pregnant with our next baby. My husband and I had a really strong bond but in all honesty I think that it diminished a little with all my energy going to our daughter. I think I have neglected him a bit and have been very overwhelmed with work, pregnancy, managing our home he is the one I neglected. And I do expect a lot from him but never have I stopped loving him. I was nieve thinking that maintaining our child, work, and home was showing him my love. So what made me notice the problem is his recent distance from me. He travels with his job and on his last trip he seemed he didn't care to talk to me. He stayed out late and even lied to me about what he was doing. He said that he was at a work function and couldn't call or answer my calls. Well then I found on our credit card bills a receipt for him going out . When I questioned him he said he was out with a group but I feel in my heart he is not being honest and I originally became emotional and freaked out. I never thought we were this bad off our to this point. He also has been acting very arrogant and just rude toward me. He says he doesn't want a divorce. We had a huge fight. Well he was flying out again the morning after I found out he lied to me neither of us got sleep I was hysterical. So I told him I was coming with him and I didn't care how much money it cost or about work or anything I told him at this point all I cared about was my marriage and family. He made it clear he doesn't want me traveling with him so I said then quit your job and get a non traveling job. He makes decent salary but so do I. I told him money was no longer of importance to me when it came to this situation. I called my mom had her watch my daughter and flew to join him. He was angry at first telling me he resented me. He is slowly coming around. I told him for now on my daughter and I would be joining him for his trips and that while he's working I'd occupy myself. Many of the people he works with take their families. He didnt like the idea and is upset but I told him I love him and that we have to fix this and that I want to be with him and be apart of his life. Since then he has calmed down. He introduced me to people at his event. And although he does not like the idea that I will be exscorting him he seems to be accepting it. While I've been on this trip with him I've found him in a few more lies. So I have pretty much taken control of everything whereas before the lie I trusted him and gave him a lot of freedom. I told him I want to make all flight arrangements with him and I didnt want him staying gone more days then necessary. At the se time I'm going to work on not taking him for granted and appreciating him. I just hope this works and that I caught it soon enough to save my marriage and family. Part of me knows I'm requesting a lot from him but at the same time I feel I need to not let him drift away from us. Im trying to be strong, mature, and smart. I feel this marriage is teaching me more than any other experience in my life.

[ThatGirl123]

Do not accuse him. Especially if you are not sure.

Yes if there is an affair it needs to end but accusing him of one is not going to help either way.

Also don't make demands. That will probably turn him off.

I think the biggest mistake in my marriage was we stopped doing the little things. Do something that shows him you care. I know it's hard and when I was where you are that wasn't what I was thinking about either but the little things probably matter most. But don't go over board either. I tried to be overly nice and I think my husband saw that as a fake attempt. It was sincere but it may have been too much.

[Mz. Pixie]

If he is cheating you can't build a big enough fence around him to prevent it.

[scarlett27]

wow what a horrid situation , thing is can u live ur life like this , dropping ur life and going on business trips just so u satisfy YOURSELF that he is not messing around > there are MAJOR trust issues here , i am suspicious the fact he could not call u text etc that is not good , also his behaviour had changed towards you - amd he is lieing and quite a few too , all is not as it should be check hisphone if u can x

[Tayla]

Welcome to LS new poster, may you find the support and concerning responses to your dilema helpful.

 

I agree that trust is an issue for you. No guy wants to have his wife tagging along when he is conducting business, its like following a mate into the bathroom and taking their urine sample. Seriously step back and honestly ask yourself who really has the problem here....A mirror might help you find the answer.

 

I advise against "checking" his cell or his credit receipts, right there is a red flag that you are stepping over a trust issue. Dang place yourself in this guys shoes, you are changing in roles, as parents and its not an easy role to fullfill, then he has to be the bread winner, contend with the rat race, and come home to a wife that is being a wee bit suspecious (SP?) without evidence? I don't know if I would want to live in that environment.....

[2sunny]

that level of control and manipulation may just push him further away... causing more distance and resentments.

 

are you planning to follow him around like his Mommy forever just to create an illusion that he isn't cheating?

 

IF he intends to cheat = he will definitely find a way to make it happen... whether you know it or not.

 

is he cheating? probably... your gut instinct didn't kick into high gear for no reason. HE should be making the effort to earn YOUR trust back... and to be sure he's making effort to be sure you know he's faithful. he should be willing to show complete transparency in every area that you wonder about. IF he's not cheating - then there's no reason to get angry when asked about anything he's doing, where he is, who he's with...

 

you are going about this backwards.

[Sansa]

Thank you to everyone who has responded. He lied to me about where he was when he was away on his business trip and he was acting very funny. He originally told me that he was in a mandatory dinner and then a cocktail party. He wouldn't return my calls during this time which he usually does. When asked about it we got in an argument and he was saying nasty comments to me he's never said before. These little comments and just slurs have not stopped since. It is hurting me everyday. He tonight told me he likes to get away cause he gets his space and he likes it. He has never said this before. I told him if he loves his family and wants us then he won't be getting that kind of space. He said well deal with it whatever that means. He says he doesn't want a divorce, I asked him what's bothering him and he says were fine but I know otherwise. He isnt touching me and seems to be avoiding me physically although I'm trying to make an effort

[2sunny]

some of his behavior you describe sounds as if he's already cheating. you can't make him do anything.

 

so stop trying to rope him in and hold on with a tight grip... that will definitely push him further away.

 

work with the words and actions he's giving you.

 

since he wants space - kick him out! tell him to leave... especially since he doesn't intend to spend time with you and when he does - he's mean with his words. that would never fly in my home.

 

he needs consequences to show him he can't treat you poorly and you will take it.

 

those consequences should include him being away from the family to be sure he wants to be included in your future - or not.

 

when he becomes willing to do anything and everything to make the M better (not worse) - then and only then do you stand a chance of having a better relationship.

[Mauschen]

I am actually in disagreement with many who have responded to you.

 

I think your husband's behavior is strange and catching him in lies is enough for you to have lost trust in him.

 

So...is he cheating? Maybe. But I wouldn't accuse him of it if you don't know for sure. You can keylog the computer, check his cell phone records, and hire a detective to follow him during one of his trips. I know that all sounds extreme, but you will get your answer.

 

And what will you do with your answer? Begging and pleading with him will just push him away, as will following him all over the planet on his trips.

 

Visit marriagebuilders.com and read the book His Needs Her Needs - both very helpful.

 

You have to make yourself more attractive and exciting than a possible affair partner, not more needy and difficult o be around. I'd suggest looking as good as possible, going to workout (I realize you're pregnant), and involving yourself in lots of activities. Stop calling him and following him around, but be loving to him when he is near. He will probably wonder what you're up to.

[Mauschen]

Great advice from 2sunny, by the way.

[Tayla]

some of his behavior you describe sounds as if he's already cheating. you can't make him do anything.

 

so stop trying to rope him in and hold on with a tight grip... that will definitely push him further away.

 

work with the words and actions he's giving you.

 

since he wants space - kick him out! tell him to leave... especially since he doesn't intend to spend time with you and when he does - he's mean with his words. that would never fly in my home.

 

he needs consequences to show him he can't treat you poorly and you will take it.

 

those consequences should include him being away from the family to be sure he wants to be included in your future - or not.

 

when he becomes willing to do anything and everything to make the M better (not worse) - then and only then do you stand a chance of having a better relationship.

 

 

Or....Or....it "COULD BE", that his behavior is typical for a guy who feels cornered. I don't cast stones unless the target is moving, the guy has made NO gesture (movement) that he is cheating, yet leave it to some to jump on that assumption. Gosh how your legs must tire from jumping to such conclusions based on minimal data and unwitnessed behavior....

The wife is over reacting...and smoothering and stalking him is not really healthy...

[2sunny]

Or....Or....it "COULD BE", that his behavior is typical for a guy who feels cornered. I don't cast stones unless the target is moving, the guy has made NO gesture (movement) that he is cheating, yet leave it to some to jump on that assumption. Gosh how your legs must tire from jumping to such conclusions based on minimal data and unwitnessed behavior....

The wife is over reacting...and smoothering and stalking him is not really healthy...

 

there was no assumption... - no jumping either. i stated his BEHAVIOR looks suspicious... as in looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, hmmm you may want to consider that it might be a duck???? distancing himself, lies and cover up are not good indicators that he feels connected to you.

 

he asked for space - i simply said go ahead - give him space.

 

good to know you only cast stones at a moving target...

[Sansa]

Thank you to all who have responded it has been very helpful. I orogionally tried to be sweet with him and understanding taking some blame for the troubles in our relationship. This approach actually only made my husband meaner and more distant toward me. It gave him fuel to fight for the things I was not welling to accept and it bruised my self esteem. Immediately noticing his response to my kindness I did a 360 and became very angry. I told him that I loved him but not enough to live my life the way he was asking me to. I told him that I refused to be in a relationship caring for two children and my husband leaving me every month for space. I told him it made me nauseas just knowing he has asked me to do that. I reminded him that he has lied toe and told him that because he has lied to me about several things I no longer could trust him. I told him I'd not live like this. At first he was very angry lashing out and he even told me he was going to leave the family if I didn't compromise about the travel. It hurt to hear him so that and I may have had a few tears in my eyes but even still I told him then leave us cause I am not welling to live this way. He threatened he'd take the house I told him whatever happens happens but I was welling to go through it. I continued angry all day and my whole body felt numb I couldn't look at him but I felt better personally with this reaction then when I was sucking up. So surprisingly on our way to pick up out daughter he says are you ready to resolve this issue. Cold and collective I responded by saying what issue your leaving me cause I won't compromise on traveling with you. He said I'm not going anywhere but I said but what. I told him my points I stood my ground I told him he was self centered to even suggest what he has. He really didn't have much of a fight in him like he did. He said fine if I agree you can come on ally work trips will that end this problem? I was shocked at his response and mortified. I told him that would be a start but that it was going to take some time cause I had gotten to the point of being emotionally disconnected from him. I don't see him the same way. So he agreed to this and he is trying all of a sudden to get us back on track which is just so strange. Something must have hit in his head. Any thoughts?

[frustatedme]

...So surprisingly on our way to pick up out daughter he says are you ready to resolve this issue. Cold and collective I responded by saying what issue your leaving me cause I won't compromise on traveling with you.

 

As somebody else had stated here, if he wants to cheat he will find a way to cheat, whether you travel with him or not. And, as a guy, I can tell you that what you are doing here, insisting on traveling with him, is smothering him, just like what some other people have said here. It will drive you away from him, not toward him, is that what you want? He asked to resolve the issue, why didn't you respond to that invitation? You need to sit down with him and ask him what the issue is. Try to talk as mature adults, no yelling or crying.

 

 

 

...He said I'm not going anywhere but I said but what. I told him my points I stood my ground I told him he was self centered to even suggest what he has. He really didn't have much of a fight in him like he did. He said fine if I agree you can come on ally work trips will that end this problem? I was shocked at his response and mortified. I told him that would be a start but that it was going to take some time cause I had gotten to the point of being emotionally disconnected from him. I don't see him the same way. So he agreed to this and he is trying all of a sudden to get us back on track which is just so strange. Something must have hit in his head. Any thoughts?

 

Please please please grab on this opportunity. You said it yourself, you got absorbed by other things (house, kids, etc.) and you didn't give him enough attention. I'm not blaming you, just trying to point to the issue here. He may or may not have strayed and do some stupid things because of that. But both of you have realized the issue here (lack of affection and connection between you). Go from there. Build that connection again.