LuciaLove Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Long history of this one women's constantly openly flirting with my boyfriend of over a year on facebook. I'll try to keep it short: It culminated in her, upon my invitation to my boyfriend's surprise birthday party, replying to me with 'I won't be able to make it, but kiss him for me'. My boyfriend played the whole ordeal down, saying that she never flirted with him in real life, but on review of a couple of comments prior to us commencing a relationship there was mutual heavy flirting going on from both of them. In all fairness he stopped about a month into our relationship (ie. we became more serious) but she continued. Finally, after some unwillingness on his part he blocked her from responding to or viewing his post (did not unfriend) Things seemed to quiet down for awhile, until I realized that she was still constantly 'liking' every bloody comment he made on any of their mutual friends posts. He would delete the notification on his profile of her 'liking' so I would not notice. I do acknowledge that simply 'liking' comments does not a flirt make, but it's his attempts to hide it from me, and the continuation of the context of the past behaviour, is aggravating. So, in a moment of stupidity and anger, (please don't start bringing out the pitch forks because I know how stupid this is) I went into his facebook and unfriended her. I'm just fed up with this STILL going on. I figure, if he really doesn't care about interacting with her, and if there's really nothing going on he should not miss her on his friendlist or frankly even notice. Here's the question: Should I fess up or just leave it and see what happens? Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 IMO I do think that communication and honesty are important in a relationship. If you were in his shoes, would you want to know? I would advocate telling, but also making it 100% clear that you do have some insecurities about this woman (sounds like you've done that already). Basically, if the two of you have problems in the relationship, you both need to deal with them together. Have you asked him why he is hiding some of her FB activities? The answer is usually "because I know that it'll make you jealous and I don't want that" (which, in all fairness, is kinda true). Problem is, if that is the answer, he is basically infantilising you, which isn't a particularly healthy way for a relationship to work on his end. Having said that, do you think that you have some unhealthy jealousy issues? Like I have said... I do acknowledge that simply 'liking' comments does not a flirt make, but it's his attempts to hide it from me, and the continuation of the context of the past behaviour, is aggravating....this behaviour is quite condescending. Really, this is just something you two need to talk about. If you have done so and things haven't worked out, you can use that as a primer to see where the future of your relationship will go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuciaLove Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 Communication and honesty and openness is what I strive for in a relationship but at this juncture, and regarding this specific issue I feel like I have been denied this (ie. deleting comments, not telling me of the history of the relationship, playing down specific occurrences) Old - You are absolutely right. I KNOW that it will end with "because I know that it will make you jealous and I don't want that". I'm reminded of a quote where the jest of it is 'stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results'. The 'communication, honesty, openness approach is not working and not stopping this women from continuing. If by jealous issues I am having a reaction to another female openly disrespecting my relationship, then yes, I am jealous. I don't have an issue with any other friend or female that is respectful to our relationship or even the occasion 'hey handsome' from his opposite sex friends. It's the matter in which this women knows we're in a relationship, and continues to push for his attention. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) The thing is, it will be practically impossible for you to ever have a healthy relationship if this is his mindset. "because I know that it will make you jealous and I don't want that". "Daaww, is the itty bitty baby jealous?" IMO, it is not so much the flirtation itself (though that is an issue), but it sounds like he simply doesn't have that much respect for you. And he is possibly trying to keep his options open... ^ Think that is possible. Edited June 24, 2011 by OldOnTheInside Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuciaLove Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 The thing is, it will be practically impossible for you to ever have a healthy relationship if this is his mindset. "Daaww, is the itty bitty baby jealous?" IMO, it is not so much the flirtation itself (though that is an issue), but it sounds like he simply doesn't have that much respect for you. And he is possibly trying to keep his options open... ^ Think that is possible. You're right. Keeping options open for if and or when we don't work out, which is ironically probably going to be a contributing factor at this rate. I just texted him and told him. The stupid thing is now I'm on the defensive. Argh. Thank you for listening Old. You have some very good insight. Link to post Share on other sites
Finch Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 How he responds will determine what you do next. The problem as I see it is not this woman liking his posts on fb, or not even the possible flirting that may or may not occur, but rather his contempt for your feelings. If you had previously made it clear to him that you felt his continued contact with this woman was having a negative impact on your emotional well-being and the health of your relationship, then his choosing to ignore than is insensitive and could be ultimately destructive. Now that you've brought the issue to the table again, keep in mind that if he rants and raves about you being jealous and insecure it just compounds the diss to you. Instead of trying to muster up some sympathy, if he accuses you of being the problem he's using your vulnerability as a weapon against you and making it into your problem rather than a consequence of his behaviour. I hope the two of you can work this out. I do have to ask though - why were you even friends with this woman in the first place? And why would you invite her to your boyfriends birthday party? Were you, by chance, trying to keep tabs on her and her activities online? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuciaLove Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 Finch - I agree with your assessment that he show contempt for my feelings, and my concern for the well-being of the relationship. If a man was pursuing me openly knowing I am in a relationship 1.) I would put a stop to it right away and 2.) be angry at the audacity of the man in disrespecting my partner/relationship. It shows quite negatively on the pursuer. Actually, not if, there was a man that openly did that and I did exactly that. When I told my boyfriend he said that he did not care, since the man was no threat to him. I texted back that he doesn't approve of me altering his facebook without his knowledge, but that being said he 'will not re-friend her as there is an argument to be made that I should have defriended her awhile ago.' It was a surprise party so I went through his friend list and sent out emails to everyone saying something like 'friends old and new, you don't know me but M___'s birthday is coming up. It's a surprise and I would love to have you attend'. She's a part of one of his set of friends, not mine, or my facebook friend. But yes Finch, deep down inside I was (eventhough I sent the exact same email to everyone) trying to say to her ' I am girlfriend - awesome one at that - and the bigger person in inviting you.' That obvious eh? Observant of you to pick up on that. I do have to ask though - why were you even friends with this woman in the first place? And why would you invite her to your boyfriends birthday party? Were you, by chance, trying to keep tabs on her and her activities online? Link to post Share on other sites
keepsmilin74 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 So... you unfriended a continuously flirty girl on his facebook that he was flirty with before you were together, but mainly because you think he was hiding her "likes" from you. I don't see this as a big deal ... he was silly, you were silly. Ideally, what happens now is you fessed up and felt sheepish about it, he laughs about it WITH you, he apologises if he was indeed hiding her likes, you apologise for unfriending her on his account, he doesn't refriend her (at most sends a last message of "nice knowing you, i gotta do this for my girl, bye"), you both laugh about this silliness for years to come, the end It was a jealousy thing, and it happens (I'm a very jealous person, so I'm biased lol) ... but hopefully you can laugh it off. It doesn't have to be omg end of the world. Getting past this will be a good sign of how you guys will do in the long run. Goodluck Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuciaLove Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 Thanx keepsmilin! You have a very positive approach. He called me a goofball, and told me he loved me. So I think it turned out as you predicted, although to me it felt like OMG end of the world.. Thank you for everyone's input. It really does help to hear other people's insights and assessments. Link to post Share on other sites
keepsmilin74 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 SO glad for you!! As for positive, I'm here on LS to help work on my own jealousy. I can tell you it's waaay easier to preach than practise ... Lucky my H is also supportive -- "called me a goofball, and told me he loved me" -- aww, like that. I just need to keep that kind of thing in mind when the green eyed monster rises after my H does something "silly" too. Link to post Share on other sites
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