Thinkalot Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 OK hit me with advice please. Those of you who have found ways to let little things slide, without arguing the point, or holding on to the hurt and the upset...or proving you are right etc. Sometimes I manage it, but other times I tend to go on about things...and it creates more tension, and frustrates my bf...who would prefer to just let things go sometimes...and says I worry about everything too much... Sometimes I'll say "but this is important to me"...and he says "but EVERYTHING is important to you!". I also stay wounded after an argument for a while (especially if my bf has been yelling and swearing), and have trouble bouncing back and moving forward, even when we've said we're sorry. I've read books on communication and so on, but I'd love to hear your own methods and tricks. One friend said to me, "I just think- will this matter to me in a year or so...? If the answer is no, then I realise I'm best off letting it go". Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 how about laughing it off? i think laughter cures these small things beautifully. if you gimme an example of a small 'thing', i'll try to come up w/ a laugh abt it my 2c, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 A long time ago, when I had a spouse unit and we'd get into a dustup, eventually one or the other of us would twig about how silly it was and then start hurling kid insults like 'banana nose' or 'camel breath'. It would inevitably get us both laughing and we'd see how we'd lost perspective and how foolish the argument really was. Thinkalot, the trick is to try to not let things be 'important' to you that are really not. You cause yourself the worst trouble by taking too many things seriously. I keep falling into that trap in work situations because I, stupidly, keep thinking people (well, me, anyway) ought to do the best job possible when mediocrity is the order of the day. It is hard to let go of old perceptions about what's 'important' but it can be done. You just have to work at it. In the meantime, try humour. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted April 20, 2004 Author Share Posted April 20, 2004 Thanks. Sometimes AFTER an argument I will call him "poo bum wee"...like a kid would...and he'll call me "fart face" or something...and you're right...it works and makes us laugh. Little things I should let go might be...he shows little enthusiasm for something about which I am very excited and have expected him to share that excitement with me...I get hurt, because I am WAY too sensitive. I might say.."it would have liked it if you were more enthusiastic about this...you don't seem to care though". At this point in time, my bf is stressed out with work and other things, so he reacts with a bite like "Oh for god's sake..you'll pick on anything..."....and therein lies the seed of an argument over nothing! Link to post Share on other sites
billybobby Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 Regarding the 'getting over it' part. I think it depends on how strong you think your love is for your significant other... I am a male, and you can take this advice for whatever it is worth, but when my girl and I get into arguments, we usually can get down to the worst mud slinging you could ever imagine. But when all is said and done, we understand that when we fight like that, the heat of the moment causes us to undercut each other using horrid tactics that in the end usually mean nothing, and are used to prove a point that pretty much is useless in itself. I hope your situation gets better, and hope that you never have another fight, but since that probably isn't possible, remember, some people just fight dirty and the words are just that in fight. Only words. You have to decide which are worth listening to and which ones are not. Link to post Share on other sites
padparadscha Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 I find I have a similar problem where people say that I ask too many questions, or need to understand too many things. Or if an argument occurs I like to try to resolve it by asking a million questions about why the other person feels we needed to argue in the first place.This has annoyed my friends and they feel that I get too deep. I used to allow this to bother me until I realized this is who I was trained to be. In my academic life, I have been trained to ask, to analyze, and to piece together things from many different points. So naturally I guess I do this when I feel something is important to me. It annoys others because they rather let things go and not bother to go deep into why the argument came into play in the first place. My advice to you can only be what I know works for me. I always let the person know how very much they mean to me. I tell them that, “ although we are arguing you mean .... to me and right now I simply trying to get us in a happier place and trying to understand how we got here so we don't argue again. This might seem like a petty issue to you but it is effecting me.” At that point if the person is still unwilling to hear me out, I just hug them and and hold them and joke around about how I am not forgetting this but I am dropping the subject. I also resort to tickle torchure. I know it sounds crazy, but when you manage to piss someone off with your need to make a point or understand hugging and joking can lighten the situation and then you don’t leave feeling wounded and they don’t leave feeling lectured. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 Originally posted by Thinkalot I will call him "poo bum wee".. I guess that's the SWEET version of Little Sh*t A$$! It's soooooo cute...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted April 20, 2004 Author Share Posted April 20, 2004 Gee padpar! You sound a lot like me...that's how I handle things too...delving deep for the answers and the understanding and the 'why'. I've always been that way...and I am also trained to ask questions in my job (I'm a reporter). The problem is, when you couple that personality type with OCD (which I am overcoming) and sometimes the need to question and understand can actually become an obsession. It makes the letting it drop part, so much harder! Oh and 'yes'...last night my love and I had a barney and he hung the phone up on me (he's away for work for the night). I was upset and mad and tried to call him before bed...no answer on his mobile (or cell phone as you guys call it). This morning he calls and says he's sorry...he got frustrated and hung up last night (he'd has a bad day at work etc ), then his phone ran out of batteries! So it wasn't as bad as it seemed to be. I still felt upset this morning...but I've been cooling off and thinking of ways to laugh about it now. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 delving deep for the answers and the understanding and the 'why' Me, too, but I often do it either by observing or by researching. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted April 20, 2004 Author Share Posted April 20, 2004 Originally posted by billybobby we usually can get down to the worst mud slinging you could ever imagine. But when all is said and done, we understand that when we fight like that, the heat of the moment causes us to undercut each other using horrid tactics that in the end usually mean nothing, and are used to prove a point that pretty much is useless in itself. .... remember, some people just fight dirty and the words are just that in fight. Only words. You have to decide which are worth listening to and which ones are not. That is a great insight. My bf fights pretty dirty when he's mad and frustrated...yelling and swearing at me, and name-calling. I think understanding that that is happening within the context of the argument, and that it is not the 'real' person is an immensely comforting thought. I suppose many couples must stoop low to mud slinging in arguments. My skin is not thick, so the wounds stay with me...but if I look at it that way, maybe the words won't cut as much...and I'll calm down quicker too. Merry, I think that is similar to what you have told me in the past, only you worded it differently. Arabess, I can be sweet, and I can be a sh*t! Just ask my !! Link to post Share on other sites
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