self reflection and philisophical rants

[PelicanPete]

Thanks Graceful I'll one up you by wishing you a good week! I haven't read any Carl Rogers, so thanks for mentioning him. I will have to learn a bit of his theories in my spare time.

 

Sometimes I will be relaxing in the evening listening to some music as I read books or browse LS, and a brief incomplete thought will rise from the wood works of my unconscious. A point in a song will trigger something, and this incomplete snippit usually badgers my thinking as it tries to manifest into a full idea. I've been losing sleep due to

music because at some point it summoned a familiar feeling. Gradually, my thoughts decoded the sights, the sounds, and the smells that went with it, and reminded me what I have been without for so long. I haven't been in a forest for a few months now. Perhaps this is the underlying reason that has been keeping me up the past few days.

 

Nature was one of my greatest teachers growing up, and still is to this day. Even though my childhood was quite nomadic and my family moved houses quite often, we always ended up living close by to some sort of wildlife. I would spend almost everyday in the woods, and it seemed to be the most consistent thing in my life. When I was a toddler I would run down the trails and climb trees, when my age hit the early double digits I would built forts and catch frogs, and my early teens I started teaching myself about the wildlife and plants that inhabited it. During my late teens I would always walk up the mountain with my dog, and we would just sit ontop of the mossy rocks with the manzanita trees and enjoy the elevated watch over the woods. Sometimes I would even bring a bedroll and camp overnight to watch the stars.

 

The last time I was in the woods by myself was several months ago. I unconsciously walked the twists and turns on the trails as I sobbed over the difficulties of my life. I would pass the dirty streams my dog would always drink from, and the distinctive oak tree I first kissed my ex under, and it all made me feel so alone. I forgot how silent the forest was without my old dog panting beside me and impulsively charging through bushes, and it just made me feel more vulnerable to all the life I was ignorant to off the trail.

 

I work by the water, but it's just not the same as the trees. I occasionally admire the large starfish in the shallow water, and I enjoy seeing the rare otter come up for air in between moored sailboats [even though sailors hate them]. I love the fresh breeze that comes off the water which makes the dock and the boats sway with the water, and I love watching the sunset on the bay as I'm walking home from work. Alas, it just isn't the same though.

 

I feel better from just writing that out, and tonight I will be able to sleep peacefully . Perhaps some day soon I will take a stroll in the woods for old time sake.

[PelicanPete]

So had a pretty eventful morning that I feel like sharing

 

I had an appointment with the eye doctor this morning. I hadn't had my eyes checked for 3 or 4 years and I needed new glasses since mine right now are literally falling apart, so I thought I should check if my prescription needed updating. I have some relatives visiting so they decided they wanted to come with me so that they can help pick out some frames.

 

So anyway, got to the eye doctors office and it turns out an old friend from high school works there. She takes the photographs of the back of my eyes and does the little pretests of peripheral vision, distance, etc. One of the tests was how well I could focus and I was staring at a picture of a farmhouse in a field of corn. Anyway, she finishes her tests on me, we catch up a little while were waiting for the doctor, and leaves when the doctor comes.

 

So going through more vision tests with the optometrist, and she sees that I filled out glaucoma under family history, so she wanted to do a test for glaucoma which was more accurate if she put an anesthetic in my eyes. I informed her I couldn't have any of the drops in my eyes that dilate my pupils, because I had a bad reaction to it when I was younger and felt very nauseous. She said that these ones were a different chemical compound so I agreed.

 

She put a drop of anesthetic in each eye to numb them, and a few seconds afterward I felt very anxious. I thought initially that I was just psyching myself out and overreacting and I was telling myself not to be a baby. The optometrist said we had to wait a few minutes for the drops to take effect, so we were just talking and she kept routinely asking if I was ok.

 

According to the doctor, I fainted for a few seconds while we were talking. I don't even remember at what point I fainted at, but I do remember being unconscious. I have a strong memory of being at that farm in the picture during my eye exam, it was like it was reality, as real as being conscious and alive. There were figures at the farm that I have no idea how to describe, and things there my mind doesn't even know how to classify. The only words that come to mind is that they were everything at once. It only lasted a few seconds, and then I regained consciousness. I was very slouched in the chair and someone put a stool under my feet. I had no idea who I was or where I was, my consciousness felt like the dream compared to the farm. I couldn't talk or think and didn't even recognize the people in the room as being human, but after 2 or 3 seconds everything I knew came flooding back to me all at once. I was a dizzy and dehydrated, but I was able communicate and function like it never happened. The doctor told me I had a bad reaction to that kind of anesthetic, and that it was a very good thing I had only two drops of it. Had I ever gotten a cavity at the dentist or something and was injected with anesthetic, that dosage would've definitely killed me. I guess it's a good thing that happened.

 

So anyway, I got an updated prescription and bought some new frames so I get my new glasses in a week! While I was passed out, one of the employees put some new nose pieces on my current glasses so that was nice of them . I also get my paycheck this week! So I'll be making another faithful trip to the bank sometime soon. Hopefully I'm lucky enough to get bank babe as my teller

[PelicanPete]

I've been struggling with something in my head since I had that reaction to anesthetic a few days ago. It feels like there is something peeking up from the ocean of my unconscious staring at the shore. On top of it, I am a bit frustrated from my trip to the bank today. I went there a bit later in the day when it was less busy, and she wasn't there. I'm discouraged but I'm not giving up. I'll go back tomorrow morning.

 

The friend I talked about in an earlier entry also was recently car jacked a sports car and crashed it on the freeway during a high speed police chase. The car is totaled but the airbag saved his life. He spent a few days in prison and now has numerous court dates. I'm worried about him. I feel like I'm his only hope and that I'm failing him.

 

I feel like I'm missing something, that there is something I am not acknowledging which is causing me to feel this way. I pulled out my old journals and notebooks feeling that somewhere in those pages holds a trigger to solving my problems. I'm just going to make a list of things I wrote down that stands out to me.

 

-It dooms ourselves to think of the greater good.

-To understand anything, you must first understand how it develops.

-The source of hysteria is an idea.

-Happiness is accepting my individual neurosis

-People are more alike then different

-Psychology is the manifestation of love

-Hell is not realizing hell is inside of me

-Anger defeats anxiety, acceptance defeats anger, anxiety is created from rejection.

-All of this effort to understand me, for the goal of trying to understand you.

-Only when I take a step back do I see the bigger picture.

-Sit, or walk, but do not wobble.

-Only through change will I see myself

-Free will is a higher truth than science.

-Experience comes before living.

-Take what a person brings to you and work with it.

-Tyranny of perfection is making everyone sad.

-Force yourself to act in a way you want to become.

-Why do I try to swim upstream when I can just float?

-Depression and happiness are habitual.

-I am internally content but I still feel cold.

-You cannot step in the same river twice

-Form exists from my expectations

-Define something by what it does, not what it is made of.

-Wisdom only grows when your not looking.

-Not everything is going to float

-Why does it feel like I don't belong with other people

-Why do I compare? I compare too much, for too much.

-Respecting someone is more important then loving them

 

Those were some of the climactic ideas that I ended up writing down. The rest are dream interpretations, reflecting on struggles in my life, poetry, and some random spurts of creative writing. I feel a bit more at peace with myself reading about who I was years ago and noticing the evolution to my thinking. I have resurrected some old ideas I forgot about from making that list, so now it is time to see if they will manifest into anything.

 

If the stars align and I am able to talk to bank girl tomorrow, I will be sure to write about it.

[PelicanPete]

Well, I did it! I finally managed to talk to her after about a month of attempts. Things went much better then what I had expected for the simple introduction I had hoped for.

 

I introduced myself after talking to her for a bit to which I learned her name, because not only is she beautiful, but she shares the exact same career goal as I do. She ended up telling me about a place she volunteers at related to what were studying, and wants me to sign up as well.

 

I feel great about how things have turned out so far and I am proud of finally overcoming that frustrating hurdle, but as time has gone on my doubts are becoming stronger.

 

I'm going to go down to where she volunteers at and try to sign up for it, but aside from that I don't know what to do for my next move. Time is of the essence, and I can feel myself preparing for disappointment regarding a relationship with her. I don't have any pressing reasons to go to the bank, and I'm afraid I won't see her when I'm volunteering so I'll never get another chance.

 

The one detail that I wasn't able to learn in our conversation was if she boards or commutes to her university. It is in a different city, and if she has a dorm there then there is a small chance we would work out. I'm starting to feel like that is going to be the case.

 

I guess I just have to stay positive.

[PelicanPete]

Sorry for not updating for awhile! I've felt a little sprinkle of every emotion, which leaves an end result of being content with that hint of wishy-washy . I wanted to wait to post until there was an end result, but I guess half the beauty of writing is watching something half finished shape itself into the final product.

 

Of course it's about bank girl

 

After developing a plan of focusing on the preferred end result, I finally asked her out. She replied with a grand smile and immediately scribbled her phone number on my receipt. I told her I'd phone her that night and we said our goodbyes. I walked away realizing that the war I was fighting within myself was only a minor battle, and the real victory was still far from my grasp.

 

Work was eventful that night. It turns out someone threw out rotting flesh in our outside garbage can a couple days ago. My co-worker hurried inside giving me news about how roughly 200 maggots lined the inside of the trash can before she almost puked from the stench. Strangely I couldn't stop smiling. I must have looked like such a maniac. The smell didn't affect me as I poured water along the walls of the can, and when all of the larva were in the water at the bottom of the can, I realized that this was nothing compared to what I grew up to seeing in the forest. After pouring bleach in the bottom and letting them sit, my co-worker watched from afar as I poured the fluid and maggots down the outside drain.

 

When I got home I called her number, and it went to her voicemail. I was a bit distracted that night, so it wasn't til I was lying in bed trying to sleep did I realize I forgot to leave her a number to call me back .

 

I spent the next day joking around with my buddy at work. Absolutely nothing to do until near the end of our 6 hour shift, so we just drew pictures and reflected on funny past memories. When I got home I decided to give bank girl another call. It went to voice mail [like I predicted], and I joked about forgetting to give her my number and that it would be pretty hard to call me back without it. I told her to call me back whenever, and carried on with my evening.

 

Honestly I wasn't expecting this. I was so focused on step 1 I didn't anticipate step 2's possibilities. Perhaps she's busy, perhaps she's playing hard to get, perhaps she was just being polite and I'll never hear from her, perhaps I'll get a call from her today, who knows . I was initially a bit bitter about this, and I realized it was because I couldn't control her. I wanted things to be simple, to go my way, that this wasn't my style. Now I have come to terms with it. I'll trust her decision - whatever that may be. I took control of a situation, now it's time for me to let her have a turn. Moments like this make life interesting.

[PelicanPete]

What a challenging day it has been. I am physically and mentally beat up and exhausted, but I haven't felt such a feeling of accomplishment in a long time. I guess the best thing to do is start at the beginning.

 

My and my life long best friend Zack decided to go on a hike today. We've been looking to do something together for quite a few weeks now, but since we both work all the time and have opposite shifts it makes spending time together difficult. We planned this day out a week ago, so this morning I picked up Zack from his house and we traveled to a mountain I wasn't entirely familiar with. Zack said it wasn't too challenging and said that the top had an amazing view. We left my car with a water bottle for each of us, Zacks Iphone, and a ziplock of trailmix, and began our trek.

 

The trails were almost as wide as roads and posed little challenge for me and Zack. We plowed uphill effortlessly with Zacks memory guiding our direction. Both of us are in great physical shape with "cardio for days", and before we knew it we were at the top in about half the time the signs suggested. The view was phenomenal, but both of us were a little disappointed with the difficulty of the hike itself. We ate the bag of trail mix at the top of the plateau while drinking our water to stay hydrated, and after about 20 minutes of soaking in the scenery we decided to descend down a different route to keep things interesting.

 

The trail we took was pretty much straight downhill of loose dirt. Both of us were crackin' up as we plowed down the hill wildly relying on tree trunks and branches to slow us down, wondering who the hell made such an awful trail which was just begging for a broken ankle. When the trail finally evened out, we came to a fork in the road. Since neither of us had ever been down there, Zack pulled out his Iphone to check it's GPS to find out where we were on the mountain. After a few minutes, he said that the left path would lead us to the side of the mountain opposite to where we parked, and that our best bet would be to go right. So up the right trail we went.

 

After following this clearly defined trail for about 2 or 3 minutes, it just stopped and split into various unkept deer trails. Looking at our GPS, Zack said both of those trails were leading in the complete wrong direction. We were bored and fairly disappointed with this hike so far, and were only in the woods for about 45 minutes at this point of what we planned an afternoon on. Looking at our GPS, Zack suggested we should just bush wack to make things interesting. Being very comfortable and experienced in the wilderness, I agreed without hesitation.

 

Using Zacks' GPS on his cell phone, he pointed us in the direction towards the car. We started off by scaling down a dried up waterfall, hurdling over large rocks, climbing over downed trees, and plowing through overgrowth and spider webs down a straight descent. It was rugged terrain but we were having fun. I held both of the water bottles and Zack had his cellphone guiding the way. We had a rush of accomplishment and happiness after reaching the bottom and realizing what we just climbed down, and decided to keep pressing forward.

 

We bush wacked through bushes up to our waist for awhile. We were laughing and enjoying ourselves. Had this had been part of the plan, I would've worn something different then a t-shirt and shorts. After going straight NE, we started to come to a steep hill with no top in sight. Zack said we had to climb up it, and at the top we should come out around where we parked. I took the lead and started running up the hill of loose leaves and dirt like nothing. It was riddled with overgrowth, branches, bushes, roots, and rocks, but I was able to trek it with ease from all the experience I had from childhood. Zack wasn't as confident as me, so I would occasionally stop and tell him places to avoid stepping and spotted him incase he fell. About half way up we came across a shoddy deer trail, and chose to follow that instead since it led us in the right direction. It was all a lot of fun until we finally reached the top of the hill.

 

Zack made a bit of an error reading the map. What he thought was where we parked was actually the base of a mountain. We reached the top of the hill to discover a 50ft cliff face blocking our chosen route. We were about 45 minutes into the bush with no main trails for miles, we ran out of water a long time ago in 30c weather, and Zacks' cellphone only had about an hour left of battery. I took a look at the GPS and told him that it looked like we could just follow the cliff face going east and there would be a gap between the mountains where we could get by, so we started going east.

 

This shoddy deer trail was steep and overgrown. The ground was covered in dead leaves and soft dirt which often slid down the massive hill with a step. We groped any tree close for reassurance as we crashed through bushes, for falling down the hill could very well be fatal. About half way to the gap, Zack was having second thoughts and stopped to check his phone on our location. I stopped about 5ft ahead of him and watched him stare at his phone, when suddenly he yelled "F**K" and reached for his leg. I watched as the ground under that foot slipped and revealed quite a few pissed off wasps. Turns out Zack was standing on a wasp nest, and was just stung 4 times. I threw Zack in front of me and we started hauling ass down the slim and unruly goat trail, crashing through bushes and recklessly hurdling over large rocks and logs. I could hear the buzzing right behind me as I was pushing Zack to go faster, Zack was cursing under his breath from the pain in his leg and eventually we ran out of energy from our panicked sprint after about 2 minutes. Thankfully the wasps either gave up or we ended up losing them, because they were no longer chasing us.

 

Zacks leg was pretty swollen and was experiencing pain from the stings. I let him walk in front of me from that point on, since that one leg wasn't as reliable as it use to be. It would occasionally give out on him if too much weight was pushed on it, so I was always there to spot him from falling down the hill with no bottom in sight. We finally reached where the gap in the hill was, except there was no gap and no way past the mountain. We both started to worry, we were in the middle of no where with no trail in sight. We eventually came to the decision of backtracking down the hill and taking an alternative route that would let us come out of the wilderness with about a 10 minute walk from the car. We made a pact of sticking with this plan, and sticking directly north no matter what the terrain.

 

We cautiously started going down the hill. The leaves and loose dirt made things slippery which required two hands to keep us balanced. I would give Zack my stuff and slide down the hill using a tree to catch myself, Zack would throw the stuff down to me, and he would slide down the same route with me as a spotter. We were extra nervous of running into another wasps nest, but thankfully we made it down with generally no problems. When we reached the bottom of the hill, we started north.

 

We plowed through the bushes and uneven ground, hopping over downed trees, rocks, large roots, and ditches. All of the bushes and branches were scratching us up and clinging onto us, but we tanked through them regardless. We were sticking north no matter what. We came across two barbed wire fences which we got through by throwing a large log ontop and walking over that. Zack turned his phone off to save battery, and we went through the bush about a half hour until we hit yet another mountain.

 

Zack checked his phone, and this mountain was once again blocking our way to go north. There was however, a deer trail hugging the cliff face which seemed to gradually elevate. We followed it hoping that it would let us by. It was our last hope and we were betting everything on it. We were covered in sweat, dehydrated with no food or water, covered in scrapes and bruises, relying on his phone for directions which was almost out of life, and were both running on just will power. At this point we had been stuck in the wilderness for 3 hours, and the 30c heat was becoming too much.

 

The trail just ended at the side of the mountain, but thankfully I spotted a steep hill covered in bushes which we could climb to get to the top. We both got on all fours and started manipulating through the brush, until we finally reached the top. We started pushing north through bushes and branches that were almost as thick as a wall, until we finally came to civilization. All that was stopping us was a 20ft chain fence with the chain twisted into spikes at the top.

 

I gave all my stuff to Zack and went first. The gaps weren't large enough for a foot hold, so the only way to get up was by using your arms. Gripping the top of the fence was a challenge, for the chain spikes were gouging into my hands. I managed to heave my legs up top and moved into a crouching stance before jumping, but suffered a cut on my hand on the way down.

 

Zack threw the stuff over the fence and started to climb it, but was completely exhausted and unable to lift himself up. I encouraged him on the other side and let him catch his breath before he tried again. He took a run at it and was able to scramble up to the top. He got one leg over, but was forced to catch his breath with his hands digging into the spikes. He was able to muster the strength to get his other leg to the top and jump down, at the cost of tearing the back of his shirt.

 

We were so relieved to be walking on pavement and past houses again, and felt extremely proud of ourselves for keeping our composure and overcoming the wilderness. It was stupid of us to go off the trail, but in the end I'm glad it happened. I enjoyed the adventure we embarked on, and I'm glad of all people it was him with me. Neither of us complained, neither of us showed fear or doubt, and both of us were physically and mentally up to the challenge. I'm probably never going to go off the trail of an area I don't know ever again, but by doing so It only made Zack and I closer friends. Once we got to the car, we immediately drove to a gas station and bought some water to rehydrate ourselves before I dropped him off and headed home.

[PelicanPete]

It's been almost a week!

 

Bank girl has yet to phone me back, so I'm assuming she's not interested. It's been over a week after all . I must admit I was initially a bit disappointed, but I guess in the throws of expecting her to call me back I lost my attraction to her and stopped caring. Even if she miraculously ends up phoning me back, I realized I don't want to be with someone like her. It was rude of her to say yes and just ignore my calls, it only shows she lacks the maturity I was initially attracted to. I would have preferred if she just said no in the first place.

 

A few days back I was thinking about giving her one last call to see if she'd answer, but I don't think she deserves any more effort from me. In the end, I set a goal for myself of asking her out, and I did just that. No regrets, no shame.

 

Anyway, I recently started carrying around a notepad and a pen in my back pocket with my wallet. I notice myself always coming across these interesting ideas through out the day. Because I never write them down or acknowledge them, they tend to sink back into the fringe of my consciousness as soon as the rest of the day presents itself. So far it's been quite productive for myself, which is partially why I haven't had as much of a need to post in this thread lately. New scenery spawns new ideas and new perceptions. My small cluttered room can only inspire so much. Saying this makes me feel like an artist, except without the talent

 

So on this breezy and sunny day, I decided to go for a nice stroll. After walking for some time, I eventually came across a nice bench and decided to have a seat, where I was privileged with a view of the surrounding mountains and harbour. It was there my stream of thought flowed into the topic of life, and I decided to write down what I was thinking. I was copying down what I wrote, but I noticed it has a lot of poem potential. so perhaps I'll leave it til next time. I haven't written a poem for years, so maybe that can be my task for tonight. If I feel it's good, maybe ill share

[Graceful]

Even if she miraculously ends up phoning me back, I realized I don't want to be with someone like her. It was rude of her to say yes and just ignore my calls, it only shows she lacks the maturity I was initially attracted to. I would have preferred if she just said no in the first place.

Feelings drain out of me, too, when I am not treated the way I feel I deserve to be treated. Just think, if more people really tapped into their feelings in a relationship, let alone in the aftermath of a breakup, so much pain and suffering could be eliminated. Many people on LS have been treated deplorably by an ex, yet they still want a second chance. Or they still have the feelings they once had after the shabby treatment. Or they can't let go after the deplorable treatment. There is something off-putting about the idea that people allow themselves to be treated poorly and still want to be with the perpetrator of the poor treatment. Just think about that. Alas.

 

Not that bank girl goes into that category, P-Pete, not to that extent, anyhow. But even if you chalk up her lack of response to immaturity, that's reason enough to question the idea you could have had a relationship with her, I mean -- you're just out of her league, you know? It's not that it's unfair to YOU, it's unfair to HER.

[PelicanPete]

 

Not that bank girl goes into that category, P-Pete, not to that extent, anyhow. But even if you chalk up her lack of response to immaturity, that's reason enough to question the idea you could have had a relationship with her, I mean -- you're just out of her league, you know? It's not that it's unfair to YOU, it's unfair to HER.

 

Thanks Grace . I'm not looking for a relationship once again, I got bank girl out of my system. In the mean time I'm enjoying self discovery and learning more about me. Sometimes you just have to take a step back and look at things from a different angle to realize where you are.

 

 

Well I have a lot of mixed thoughts right now, but I haven't really had much peace or time to write them out. Tonight after work when all is quiet may be a good time.

 

In the mean time, I came across an unpublished song by one of my favorite artists. He never finished it and just called it "untitled", but it is beautifully written and speaks volumes to me.

 

Take the pain until it all rings hollow

We learn to loathe the truth as it shines

I already see a ghost on the sidewalk

Kissing in the hereafter

 

And your hands are in your pockets as you face her

And your bodies both frozen by the door

Only one knows they're watching you die

They're there from hereafter

 

Young life crushes each young love

If anything, life is for somebody else

You can hardly live it for yourself

And the man you love just doesn't

Know who, just what he's after

 

Chances are you wouldn't even

Recognize the man I am now

Chances are you wouldn't even

Recognize the man I am now

Chances are you wouldn't even

Recognize the man I am now

 

He'll make up any excuse

To wear the reins you can't control

The knife wanders through me so slow

It cuts between us as we grow

Ooooh

 

I only wish I could write my feelings like that. I guess it's time to start practicing.

[PelicanPete]

My updates are spreading thin, but I was busy with school and writing that thread on breakups. Anyone wants to read it, feel free to check the break up forums or my signature.

 

Anyway, my courses started this semester and they seem very tedious compared to my previous ones. A lot of homework that isn't necessarily challenging but time consuming. Aside from having to commute an hour each way to school I enjoy it. The campus is much larger compared to my previous one, so when I first got there I admit it was a bit overwhelming. I always felt like I was being watched while I was there, it probably has something to do with it being the first day back. I noticed there are a lot of people my own age that go here compared to where I use to go, who knows maybe I'll make a friend. Finding somewhere to park is a bit annoying lately, but its all worked out ok so far.

 

I ended up working with Lunges tonight. It turns out she's studying psychology as well, and was surprised to learn that I studying to become a counselor. She didn't think that it was a good fit for me and that she saw me as more of an academic then a people person from what she knew about me. I asked her why she thought this, and she started to list all of these assumptions about who she thinks I am. It was interesting to hear that she thought I lived an upper-middle class life with a happy childhood and two happily married parents. She didn't think I'd be able to relate to a lot of psychological issues like depression or abuse because I hadn't experienced it first hand like she has. I asked her why she thought I was so sheltered, and she replied because I'm always so happy.

 

 

I'm almost ashamed of my childhood. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to grow up so fast and I could've just been a normal happy kid. There were quite a few days I didn't hang out with my friends because I was afraid to leave my mom alone with my dad. There was a year or two where I would literally come home from school everyday to them screaming at each other, which would sometimes turn into my dad telling me how much of a disappointment I am. My dad would pressure me to pick sides, and my mom pressured me to become a man before my voice even dropped. I had to analyze my parents behavior and counsel my mom to divorce my dad at 13 even though I loved them both and just wanted to be a family. After my dad moved out adult responsibility was forced onto me. My dad spent my college fund on a new harley which leaves me to pay for schooling myself. I was initially accepted into one of the best universities in the country, but instead I chose to attend one closer to home so I could live at home to hopefully absorb a family vibe now that my parents are "happy" and back together. I didn't want to move out resenting and hating my family.

 

Of course I didn't tell Lunges any of this. I just smiled and said "assumptions lead to ignorance" and left it at that. I know nothing about people after all, maybe she's right . She seems to have all of the answers.

 

Ah, time forgets but I never will.

[PelicanPete]

Experience alone doesn't shape a person, their memory of the experience does. You cannot change if you do not remember what you are changing for, and you cannot be who you are now without knowing who you were prior. If I had no memory of who I was, my current self identity would have no foundation and fall apart. What makes us who we are is a string of memories which we interpret as we please, and how we interpret those memories depends on other memories, and what we remember from those memories changes over the course of our lives. Life itself isn't accumulative, but an individual is, therefore we as people make life seem accumulative. Life is just a background for the portrait which we create for ourselves.

[Graceful]

She didn't think that it was a good fit for me and that she saw me as more of an academic then a people person from what she knew about me. I asked her why she thought this, and she started to list all of these assumptions about who she thinks I am. It was interesting to hear that she thought I lived an upper-middle class life with a happy childhood and two happily married parents. She didn't think I'd be able to relate to a lot of psychological issues like depression or abuse because I hadn't experienced it first hand like she has. I asked her why she thought I was so sheltered, and she replied because I'm always so happy.

 

Hi P-Pete

 

Gosh, this anecdote takes me back to an assumption that was made about me by someone I didn't feel even knew me (well) at the time. This woman was someone I met on my first job out of college (she was a bit of a supervisor / mentor to me) -- she had been unhappily married, divorced and was on her second marriage (and it didn't seem very happy, either). Anyhow, one day a small group of female co-workers were talking about dating, and I mentioned that I wasn't dating anyone, and was fine not dating and enjoying myself. She looked at me, with a smirk on her face and said, "Oh, come on, Grace, you always have a boyfriend. You don't know what it is to be alone; you've never been alone, you always have someone ..." To say I was shocked is an understatement. Where did that even come from, she didn't know me on that personal a level, regardless of the truth behind her assumption (and it was not even close to the truth). I was torn between being defensive or just laughing it off, but I was very disturbed by the very notion that someone, ANYONE, was making an assumption about me. I know it was based on her own projected thoughts, and yet, it got me wondering how many other people made such assumptions.

 

I never forgot what she said or the way she said it. I distanced myself from her as best I could after that, needless to say.

 

Insofar as your own personal family issues stole some of your youth and your ability to live some of those teen years more "chronologically" -- I know that you are fully aware that you would not be the person you are today had you not lived though that. My ex lived through similar family strife and was also an only child. He escaped into literature, and therefore, became an avid reader, which was something I always liked about him, and I loved giving him books for gifts. Anyhow, you are to be admired for handling your family strife with the maturity and the innate gifts that you were given in the way you took responsibility, even though you probably wished you could just be a kid, and not forced into the role of an adult. But you handled it, and you are to be admired for that, as I admire that part of you, and some day, the right person will see that, too, not that you need that for validation, but it will be nice when it all comes together for you, just as you deserve. Take care. Grace

[PelicanPete]

Grace, Hello!

 

You flatter me with your kind words Madam. Thank you for relating to my experience. I admit it was hard to restrain myself from goin' off on her, but I knew I would regret it had I did. She is just a young ignorant co-worker after all .

 

 

 

I have a few things to share since I haven't been able to write that much lately, which all relate to my new classes.

 

I'm taking a first year Math course. I was at first nervous doing Math since I've never had a very mathematical mind, but it has turned into my favorite class this semester . I got 100% on my first test after a bit of studying, so I guess I've developed a bit more logical thinking since high school. I'm actually really enjoying it, so who knows, maybe I'll take another Math course next time I get an elective.

 

My psych course I haven't really been enjoying. It's all about research methods, and the whole course is pretty much based off a research experiment I have to develop. I have a general idea of what I'm going to do it on, but I need to start skimming through some scientific journals to see if I can narrow it down to a thesis. Also I think APA modified their format since my last psych class so I'm going to have to read all that crap . I know it's going to be a ton of work so I'm a bit stressed out over it. Once I get a better idea of what I'm going to do I'll be fine, I just need to talk to my prof next class.

 

Aside from the course work, the class dynamic itself is interesting. Lunges boyfriend is in the class, and I'm under the impression he doesn't like me very much. Lunges is always complimenting me, finding reasons for physical contact, giggling at basically anything I do, and I'm stuck carpooling with her to my other class. Honestly she bothers the hell out of me, but since I work with her there's not much I can do. So because of this, Lunges boyfriend just gives me the stink face when he sees me .

 

There was one more thing I noticed. I've been sitting in the same spot for every class since the semester started with no static partner to sit beside at my table. Last class I arrived a bit earlier, and there was someones books in the spot beside mine even though there were free seats and empty tables everywhere. I sat down in my spot, and a minute later an attractive young lady sits down in the spot beside me. After we exchanged hellos, I was reading over the homework and I could just tell she was trying to think of something to talk to me about. She had her hands in her lap looking down at her book and kept looking over in my direction and looking at me from the corner of her eye. Sure enough, she initiated something to talk about, and it was actually refreshing talking to her.

 

Anyway, that's all thats been on my mind right now. I'm a bit stressed out but that's good, it's a challenge which is exactly what I'm looking for.

[PelicanPete]

I've always been so happy with all of my accomplishments and my progression as a person. I take pride in myself and who I am. But there has been this frustration that's been slowly building up inside of me that I can't seem to squelch, and part of that battle is identifying it. I am always faced with that awkward struggle to try to explain even to myself what is troubling me, but I guess that in itself is a solution to my problem. I'm going to stop caring what people might think of me and just say it.

 

Ever since my early teens I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I've had this identity that my peers were still searching for, and because of that I always felt that disconnection from them. Because I felt disconnected, I started spending more time alone, and through learning myself I felt even further apart from my classmates. Ever since my early teens, I always felt like I was destined for greatness. It isn't just a fantasy that comes and goes, but a mindset for me. It's never gone away, almost acting as a background for my thoughts.

 

When I first realized that this mindset wouldn't go away, I became fearful. I have always been scared of the responsibility this thinking might lead me to, and I've always tried to ignore it Even though in my later teens I would face great struggle, I always had the sense that it was necessary for who I am meant to be. Every obstacle I've come to I always knew I would overcome stronger without a doubt in my mind, it was always just the action of getting there.

 

Getting over my ex was one of my bigger emotional struggles, but even through out the whole process I just knew I would overcome it, in fact part of me enjoyed it.

 

I guess for the first time in 7 years there is no struggle or conflict in my life. For once in my life there is no personal suffering, and I find myself trying to develop ways to grow one of the only ways I know how: through suffering. I notice myself thinking of scenarios that promote suffering, because I already know whatever I put myself through I will remain strong. I'm trying to make things hard in my life, and I am craving the great responsibility that I once feared.

 

Even though I am a full time university student with a part time job and other responsibilities, I just feel like it's too easy. I thought it was going to be a challenge going to this better school, but it's all the same. The challenge is never trying to understand anything in the class, but actually sitting down and doing the tedious repetitive work for the classes. This isn't enough for me.

 

I've always been straight A's in almost all of my university courses without a full effort. I rarely read, but I often find myself developing deep psychological theories which I later learn already exist at 20 years old. I know what I am meant to do with my life, and I know the outcome of pursing that, I just don't know the process of getting there. What I do know is that this life I am living now is too easy for me. It feels like I am not being who I am meant to be, and it's causing conflict inside of me.

 

If anyone is able to relate or has comments, please share.