sedgwick Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I was having a conversation with a friend recently about when someone breaking up with you says, "I'm sorry." I contended that they never really mean it, they're just saying it in the same way they say, "It's not you, it's me." She says it is possible that they do mean it, if for no other reason than they're sorry they're hurting you. What do you think? Did your ex say it, and do you think they meant it? Have you ever said it, and did you mean it? Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Mine said those words, I don't think they mean it and they're not sorry. Cold with no inner care inside that mine or heart. I am glad I am not that sort of person inside or out. I just have to cop with what has happen to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Finch Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Does "I'm sorry" mean "I'm sorry that we are breaking up"? No. But I believe it can mean "I feel empathy towards you because this is difficult and I do not wish you cause you pain, yet I know that it will and for that I am sorry". It can be easy to vilify the person who ends the relationship (and sometimes it is justified) but there are many people who do feel very badly that they are causing the other person emotional distress. For those people I think "I'm sorry" is a sincere expression of regret at being the cause of that distress. Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Mine told me she was unhappy, but how could that be. She wants go party and get drunk. Funny she was a heavy drinker until those Girls Night Outs started in 2010. The woman that hosted that party was a heavy drinker. Move that party moved out into the real clubs and such. So now if something better came along I get kick off to the side and then you get that unhappy and message spits out saying those cold words. Means break-up! That work might mean something different to others but you'll know later on after it's said though. Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 i was reflecting on our relationship, my EX never apologized for anything. Not cheating on me, not lying to me... over a year and a half... not one apology ugh Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I was having a conversation with a friend recently about when someone breaking up with you says, "I'm sorry." I contended that they never really mean it, they're just saying it in the same way they say, "It's not you, it's me." She says it is possible that they do mean it, if for no other reason than they're sorry they're hurting you. What do you think? Did your ex say it, and do you think they meant it? Have you ever said it, and did you mean it? Mine apologized too, sedg, but I have no idea why he did. Though I thought it was curious when I told him "Don't you say that to me," and he got upset. I've never apologized when I break up with an ex. I think it's a slap in the face in the wake of their pain. I'd apologize if my behavior post-break up led them on, but breaks that I initiate are clean. I never speak to them again. Link to post Share on other sites
OhMittens Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I was the one who ended it and I said I'm sorry many times. I was sorry that things just couldn't work out no matter how much we tried... we were just not compatible. I was sorry for hurting her because I was hurting too and still am. I was sorry for what I felt was me wasting so much of her life that she could have spent with someone who was more compatible. I was sorry that love and care just wasn't enough in the end. We tried for at least 3 years to be happy together, neither one of us wanted to end it because we did love each other. But we just couldn't be happy together, too much was off. When one of us was able to be happy the other had to bend way too far and it led to a lot of misery. She may not believe I was sorry, but I tried and we were unhappy for years. I didn't want it to end, it just needed too before any more long term commitments were made that we were not going to be happy with. You can read and reply to my story in my signature. Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 in the last two and a half years - - my ex apologized so many times the words came to have no meaning. why? - - because he would turn around and do the same thing that he apologized for anyway. so i doubt he actually meant it. and if he did -- who cares? saying "i'm sorry" doesn't wipe the slate clean. especially if you're only going to dirty it up again. a person can only take so much. Link to post Share on other sites
just_scott Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 my girl of 4 yrs just up and walked out of my place and my life . days later i went to her place asked her ''what's up ?' all i got was ,''i don't love you anymore'' , ''i'm not in love with you anymore'',''you did nothing wrong'' , ''it's not you it's me'' AFTER that she stopped by my place to pick something up , i said ''so that's it ?'' ''no chances to work things out ?'' i got ''scott we're not a couple'' , '' i'm not your girl '' OVER the phone i asked ''for a reason why ?'' i got ''their doesn't always need to be a reason for everything'' [ i disagree] we've been in N.C. about a month now .BUT we'll have to break N.C. sincei am moving and have told her she needs to get her things from here,SHE said she'd call when she had time to do that ... Link to post Share on other sites
1784 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) It's amazing just how truly different people are. I guess in the end it doesn't really matter what any of them say, it matters what they do. Having said that, my ex NEVER said she was sorry. Ever. She never apologized for anything. Her claim was "I feel how I feel". Awesome. So if you kill someone it's justified because you were feeling anger towards them at that very moment, right? Right. I think that expressing feelings is a responsibility like anything else. You can't just go around expressing your feelings whenever the hell you want. Your words and actions affect other people. Just because you feel something doesn't mean others should fall prey to how you feel. Feelings are not facts. Feelings are abstract and should be treated with care. Another thing my ex used to say (which KILLED ME) was, "I'm sorry YOU feel that way". This would be in direct reference to something SHE did. Yet she would still remove herself from involvement in how I took it. She was only sorry that I was feeling hurt. She wasn't sorry that she had the leading role in me feeling that way. Anyway, my point is that saying sorry, not saying you're sorry... it doesn't really matter all that much. It's just two words that mean nothing if there's no action to back them up. When someone is truly sorry you'll know it. You'll feel it. Other than that those two little words can be very empty. Edited June 24, 2011 by 1784 Link to post Share on other sites
thelovingkind Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 The last words from my ex were "I'm sorry." I believe it. I don't think he's sorry for breaking up with me, but I think he's sorry for hurting me. Breaking up with someone is not reserved for *******s; even good, caring and well-intentioned people have to do it from time to time. Link to post Share on other sites
OhMittens Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Breaking up with someone is not reserved for *******s; even good, caring and well-intentioned people have to do it from time to time. And it's even harder on us It's hard to be strong afterwards and it's hard not to try and comfort the person after having to do so. I was so sorry for hurting her as I said in the post above, but I knew that the pain now would save a lot of pain in the future as we just were not happy together. Link to post Share on other sites
shortee143 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 My ex said sorry for how he handled the breakup and his behavior towards me post breakup. I got my "apology" 3 months after we broke up (him and I were in contact due to mutual friends), but it was a load of bull. He did it to clear his own conscience. A week after his apology, he thought it respectful to have sex with a girl in a room right above where I was hanging out. So in my case- I at first thought it was sincere, than found there were lies and it was just for his own sake. I am sure some can be generally sorry, but not always!! Link to post Share on other sites
1784 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 This is an interesting yet sort of pointless topic. I don't mean that in a bad way. What I mean is that saying "I'm sorry" really has nothing to do with "I don't want to be with you anymore". Every person has the choice to either be with someone or not. It's always a choice. Every day. And to be perfectly honest, whatever your reasons are, at the end of the day if you don't want to be with someone, you just don't. Nothing after that really matters. If you don't want to be with me then there really isn't much else I need to hear (or should need to hear). You're sorry? Sorry for what? Following your gut? Doing what you think is right for you? Do you understand what I'm saying? Sure, it's a nice 'thought' but if you've decided to leave me, part ways, etc, "I'm sorry" just isn't going to make a difference. Don't get me wrong, I'm one of the most polite people I know. It's how I was brought up. I consider other people's feelings almost to a fault. But saying you're sorry for breaking up with someone is sort of unimportant. When you have a deep and lasting relationship with someone saying "I'm sorry" is just such a miniscule sentiment. It won't make anything better. It's too personal and too close to your heart to make any kind of difference. They're just words. Those two words can't make up for anything. If I stepped on your toe, sure... I'm sorry. But you don't want to be with me anymore? You don't love me anymore? You give up? I'm sorry is almost insulting. I'd rather you just go. Obviously you think 'this' isn't worth it to you anymore and "I'm sorry" isn't going to make anyone feel any better. So as a sort of polite aside, yeah, you can say it. But it's pretty empty as compared to the overall gravity of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
shortee143 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 This is an interesting yet sort of pointless topic. I don't mean that in a bad way. What I mean is that saying "I'm sorry" really has nothing to do with "I don't want to be with you anymore". Every person has the choice to either be with someone or not. It's always a choice. Every day. And to be perfectly honest, whatever your reasons are, at the end of the day if you don't want to be with someone, you just don't. Nothing after that really matters. If you don't want to be with me then there really isn't much else I need to hear (or should need to hear). You're sorry? Sorry for what? Following your gut? Doing what you think is right for you? Do you understand what I'm saying? Sure, it's a nice 'thought' but if you've decided to leave me, part ways, etc, "I'm sorry" just isn't going to make a difference. Don't get me wrong, I'm one of the most polite people I know. It's how I was brought up. I consider other people's feelings almost to a fault. But saying you're sorry for breaking up with someone is sort of unimportant. When you have a deep and lasting relationship with someone saying "I'm sorry" is just such a miniscule sentiment. It won't make anything better. It's too personal and too close to your heart to make any kind of difference. They're just words. Those two words can't make up for anything. If I stepped on your toe, sure... I'm sorry. But you don't want to be with me anymore? You don't love me anymore? You give up? I'm sorry is almost insulting. I'd rather you just go. Obviously you think 'this' isn't worth it to you anymore and "I'm sorry" isn't going to make anyone feel any better. So as a sort of polite aside, yeah, you can say it. But it's pretty empty as compared to the overall gravity of the situation. Well said, and I agree. I would never want someone to apologize for not wanting to be with me. That is quite pointless. It it just life. An apolgy for one's behavior post breakup- yea I got that from the ex..but hey, to me, actions speak louder than words. So he can say sorry...pish posh, whatever his version of sorry means..But I agree with your point. Link to post Share on other sites
1784 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Yes, exactly. And I guess the main point here is that when dealing with a situation that's so big, emotional, personal, crushing, etc, the words "I'm sorry" just don't cut the mustard. That's like giving me a 5 cent piece of Bazooka gum for my birthday. Why even bother? "I'm sorry" at that point in time is about a 5 cent sentiment. Just keep it. I don't want it. Link to post Share on other sites
Thieves Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Obviously you think 'this' isn't worth it to you anymore and "I'm sorry" isn't going to make anyone feel any better. So as a sort of polite aside, yeah, you can say it. But it's pretty empty as compared to the overall gravity of the situation. Yes! I'm a pretty nice and understanding person, but this is basically how I feel. I think the reason why some people hate the whole "I'm sorry" thing is because those two words are so damn GENERAL that they couldn't possibly cover the incredible loss of the entire relationship. It's like running into a good childhood friend you haven't seen in years and seeing them just walk by with a general "Hey." Hey?! Is that all you could think up in all the time we've known each other? It's like preparing a huge thousand dollar birthday bash for someone special and when the moment finally comes, all you get from them is a, "Cool." What? Cool, is that it? After all I went through to prepare this thing? Empty words don't equal the effort put in! To say you're sorry is to regret, to regret is to somehow wish you could take something back that happened in the past. What exactly do you, the dumper, wish to take back? The time of the dumpee's you feel you've wasted? But what purpose would that serve? Were the good moments that you shared with dumpee not that great, so you feel it's better that the whole relationship never happened at all just because it ended badly? Can't always have the good without the bad. Literally to regret is: 1 a : to mourn the loss or death of b : to miss very much 2 : to be very sorry for <regrets his mistakes> So if you (the dumper) are sorry, if you really "regret", what exactly are you "missing"? The good times you had? Well certainly, but you're not sorry those happened, are you? And what exactly are you "mourning"? The loss of a relationship? Understandable. But obviously you think the positive outcome of the break up will outweigh the negatives, or you wouldn't feel the urge to break up with the dumpee. You know that it'll cause pain, so while you're choosing the right thing to do, you're also choosing to hurt the dumpee even more. It's not a helpless choice. You're saying it isn't worth the fight. So you (the dumper) don't regret. You're not sorry for hurting the dumpee. You can just relate to their pain. Big difference... As I say, "If you were really sorry, you'd still be with me." Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 A year later and I haven't gotten a sorry for being dumped by text, completely out of the blue. My ex ended it with "I should've dumped you a long time ago". And no sorry for all the lies and being stringed along all that time. I would bet taht my ex is now stringing someone else along, with his future faking. Link to post Share on other sites
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