"Ghosts" of the Ex Haunt Me

[mtd4249]

Hi ... I've posted my story here before, so I won't go into great detail to not pain those who have read it before - but, in brief, I was with my ex for 16 years and 5 months ago she came home one night and said she was "unhappy" and needed "space". She took leave from work and went to another city where her family lives, under the pretence she was coming back after 3 months. I hadn't driven her away - I didn't cheat on her and the relationship wasn't abusive. In fact, we never argued and there was no sign she was unhappy even though she has since told me she was feeling that way for most of last year. In any event, after she left things were clearly not right - she was very coldhearted the day she left, she would talk very briefly on the phone to me every other day, and when I sent her flowers & a necklace in the first week she was away she was clearly not appreciative (and later told me I was trying to manipulate her with these gifts! Hmmmm). After about 2 weeks, I discovered she was having a phone sex fling with some guy she met online during the first week she was away ... and from there, things went downhill fast. Although I was willing to open the door and work on the relationship rather than throw out 16 years, she folded and never returned.

Anyway, the net result is she has left me abandoned in a city where we moved to about 5 years ago. We came here so I could get a secure job, with a view to us starting a family. But, the move meant that we were away from both our families and our friends (quick digression: the closest I have ever got to a reason she abandoned me is she missed her family and was "bored" - cop outs!). I definitely over-invested in her - she was both my partner and best friend, and I never really developed a network of friends here -- in my mind, the definition of commitment was me only needing her and I was 100% committed to her. I now realize that's one mistake I made! As my best friend, her and I did everything together over the 16 years of our relationship -- we had so many vacations overseas (in fact, just 8 weeks before she told me she was leaving we were on vacation in America during which time she seemed so happy - but she has later told me she was using the vacation as a test to see if she could get enthusiasm for the relationship again!).

Her and I had done so many things and come so far over the years - we had established the foundations for a "forever" relationship - and those memories are haunting. With the looming splitting of assets, the other night I decided I would sort through the photo albums -- bad idea!! It was like seeing my life flash before my eyes and I physically couldn't do it .... it was too painful. But, the memories of those years are not just in photos but in my mind and they keep flashing back. And, the "ghosts" of my ex seem to haunt me everywhere .... we built a new house together about 3 years ago and I "see" her everywhere in it; when I drive around town I "see" her at the places we went to; I can even "see" her in the two dogs that we raised from pups. It's this psychological battle that is all-consuming and I realize that I need to exorcise these demons before I ever properly move on. Obviously, I can't just sell the house and move towns for various reasons. Maybe the "ghosts" that haunt me are a mental weakness of mine -- maybe the "ghosts" are so haunting because I was so deeply invested in her and after 16 years it's going to take a lot longer than 5 months to lose them?

Does anyone else have or had the same experience with "ghosts" of the ex? How long are those "ghosts" going to be haunting?

[0hpenelope]

Sixteen years?

 

Still having my difficult moments and my relationship wasn't as long as yours lasted. I'm really sorry to hear that... What good things do you do for yourself when you're going about with your day?

 

Oh man... I feel for you, I really do.

[mtd4249]

Ohpenelope -- yeah, 16 years .... gone in a flash! Seems she is having a major midlife crisis meltdown (drinking, nightclubbing etc. at 36 years of age). It's a real shame because we had everything set to start a family, had travelled the world together, and as far as I was concerned there was to be no one else for me for the rest of my life! She shouldn't have been but she was everything to me .. my partner, my best friend, my life! So, it's like everything has collapsed around me ... I could never have done this to her and abandoned her in a town where she had no one (especially if she had done nothing wrong). And, despite the fact she has done the wrong thing to me and hurt me so much, I find myself still haunted by her "ghosts" and they're like a road block to recovery. Without her, it seems like life has no goals anymore ... I've lost interest and motivation in everything that once made my clock tick! I know this can't go on forever ... it's already been 5 months and it feels like a lifetime of suffering. I guess I loved her too much - perhaps less than she hoped but more than she will ever know.

[0hpenelope]

I think that, given the time you spent with her, 5 months isn't that big of a deal to spend feeling bad. I personally don't think so.

 

But I believe in accomplishing little things day by day, something that will make you feel good about yourself. If there are things that you did for yourself w/o the ex around, I hope you'll get back to them. I'm not sure if you fit in this category, but some people actually feel guilty about doing things that they enjoy post-break up. It's something I've observed that has always struck me as interesting. "Oh, I don't feel like it" or "Oh, I just don't think that it will be helpful at this time."

 

Just doing something else to engage the mind, in spite of the mind being occupied with the thoughts of the ex. Do you think you'd be able to do that? A small project or maybe a walk in a park once a week? Biking? Picking up a new hobby that's always interested you? It's tough, it really is, but I had a whole lot of moping with small pushes to force myself out of the dumps. I'm usually a cheerful person so being sad feels really unnatural and I like to get out of it as soon as I'm able.

 

Just one perspective. I hope you find others, too!

[mtd4249]

Ohpenelope - thanks for posting again. I think you're absolutely right about forcing yourself to do something each day is a step in the right direction. And, as you say, it's hard ... in fact, despite knowing that's exactly what I need to do, I fail to do it! Before this 16 year relationship, I was in one for 7 years (she cheated on me) and it took nowhere near this long to start feeling an improvement and maybe the recovery time is in proportion to how much was invested in the relationship and how long it lasted. My work has been really good and given me the last 5 months as leave - in the sort of work I do there's no way I could have kept my mind on the job otherwise. But, it's a double-edged sword .... it also gave me lots of time to think and get into bad habits (like waking up late to avoid facing the day!). It sounds weak and I know it's classic escapism .... there are even nights when I go to bed and think "tomorrow, I'm going to do XYZ" - then the morning comes and I feel like crap. I think a whole bunch of factors have led me to where I'm at ... not only am I dealing with the breakup of a long-term relationship in which I invested all of me but the isolation in a town with no family and only a couple of friends has made the hole seem so much deeper; and when I look to the top and think "tomorrow I'm going to start climbing out of here" I slip right back to the bottom of the pit. And, those "ghosts" just keep on pushing me down even further into the pit .... it's so easy knowing what to do, it's another thing actually doing it! It's pathetic I know!!!!