Is it normal for boyfriend to have regular "boy's nights"?

[phineas]

ES, I hope you give serious thought to the fact that you need him to text you all the time while out with friends for one night, just to make you feel secure. =/ I mean, it's sweet of him and all, but it should really not be something you need just to have peace of mind while he's gone.

 

Yeah, I'm older so maybe that's why but I wouldn't want to deal with the stuff her BF is dealing with.

 

He's supposed to be out with his friends having fun but instead his nose is in his phone trying to keep his GF from having a mental breakdown because he is out of her site for a few hrs.

 

Some guys do this thing where they get a GF then fall off the face of the earth.

They let the GF lock them down & not go out with friends anymore & they wind up friendless because well, you don't abandon your friends & life for a chick.

[AlexDP]

By that I mean going to a bar with a bunch of friends and getting drunk.

 

My boyfriend is having one tonight. Every time he has one, it makes me nervous that he is going to pick up or something. Of course I don't tell him that

 

I mean, is it really OK for a person in a serious relationship to go to bars and clubs without their SO?

 

Granted, he wanted to spend tonight with me but I have a work function. It just wouldn't kill him to spend one evening at home

 

Not to mention that some of his friends are players and womenizers.....Agh.

 

Yes, it is. I have a friend who has been in a relationship for 5 years, but I always go clubbing with him. And he's usually the one who approaches girls and talks to them most (but he does so to help me hook up). He enjoys going out with friends and he enjoys talking to people. His girlfriend is never with us, because she doesn't enjoy clubs. But he would never even dream about cheating. It's about trust I suppose. Beware though.. some people you can trust, others you cannot. There's very little advice people on this forum can offer, apart from the knowledge that yes, a lot of guys who are committed to their girlfriends will still want to have a boys night out.

[AlexDP]

Yeah, I am being silly. He is in the bar now and has been texting me all the time. His friends are going clubbing later but he said he just wants to go home to sleep. I even told him that it's totally OK for him to go clubbing and he said "Nah, it holds no appeal to me anymore"

 

Don't do that texting stuff. It hurts the both of you. It makes you emotionally addicted to each other. If he's out with his friends, he should focus on his friends. It's cute that you have this intense relationship and I'm all for being close with your significant other, but this is creating codependency. Do not depend on another person. I learnt the hard way . No seriously, especially in this narcissistic era, there are a lot of people who do depend on others. It's no good, dear.

[Eternal Sunshine]

BTW guys, I never asked him to text me while out with friends and I never initiated it. I suppose he can sense my insecurity and that's why he does it.

 

He joked just now that friends are calling him whipped. So I told him to just stop texting and enjoy the night! Then added: love you sweetie. He didn't text back after that. Should I be worried? (I kid, I kid )

[AlexDP]

BTW guys, I never asked him to text me while out with friends and I never initiated it. I suppose he can sense my insecurity and that's why he does it.

 

He joked just now that friends are calling him whipped. So I told him to just stop texting and enjoy the night! Then added: love you sweetie. He didn't text back after that. Should I be worried? (I kid, I kid )

 

Then when he does text, you tell him not to and to have fun.

[Els]

BTW guys, I never asked him to text me while out with friends and I never initiated it. I suppose he can sense my insecurity and that's why he does it.

 

He joked just now that friends are calling him whipped. So I told him to just stop texting and enjoy the night! Then added: love you sweetie. He didn't text back after that. Should I be worried? (I kid, I kid )

 

It is not about whether you asked him to or not; it's about the fact that you were on the verge of a breakdown due to him being on a simple outing with friends, questioning your relationship, etc, UNTIL he started texting you the whole night. Had he not done that, you would be going deeper and deeper into your previous train of thought. Am I right?

 

What's going to happen the next time when he goes out again and DOESN'T text you the whole night this time? Will you be able to accept it?

[nyc_guy2003]

On the flip side, even the most seemingly upstanding men in society (ex. Al Gore, John Edwards, etc.) have found ways to cheat. Edwards met his baby mama in a hotel lounge after a campaign function where they only exchanged glances for like literally two seconds. I'm not saying all guys or even most guys are susceptible to cheating, but this kind of stuff does happen to the best of us. Ways to test his fidelity:

 

-the obvious methods -- check cell phones, email, facebook, etc.

-taste his penis -- if you can taste latex, saliva, or private parts, and you haven't have sex with him recently, then that's a good indication someone else did. I actually have a friend who caught her bf this way.

-hang out with him and his friends one night -- if they act differently around you than they usually do, chances are something happened when you weren't around.

[Nexus One]

Your BF will act in the bar just like his womanizing friends. Make no mistake about this. He will also be tempted to cheat on you.

 

You must be new here. One does not tell something like that to ES, so I've learned the hard way.

 

ES relax. It's true that 50% of men cheat, but the other 50% does not and it seems to me that your guy belongs in the latter group.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Just between me and the whole LS, I already checked his phone, FB and e-mail.

 

I found absolutely nothing. In fact, he talks about me a lot (and it's all positive). He also sent my picture to his inter-state friend and talked about how hot I am. There are no girls in his phone, except for a couple of female friends that I have met and all their talk is infrequent and innocent.

 

I heard nothing from him in a few hours since my last text but am calm and not tempted to contact him.

 

I think that he is not really likely to cheat because:

 

- He is 30 and has never had one night stand, F buddy or FWB relationship.

- He doesn't like sexual promiscuity

- He only had 2 sexual partners before me

- He lost his virginity at 24

 

I honestly think that he would only cheat on me if he met someone that blew him away and was ready to break up with me.

 

P.S I also checked his internet browsing history. Nothing remarkable. Some vanilla porn but that doesn't bother me.

Edited June 24, 2011 by Eternal Sunshine

[oldguy]

It's like he knows what I am thinking.......

No, he doesn't, none of us guys do

 

He has just sent me this msg unprompted:

 

I can feel you even when I am alone <3 You are the one that I think of always. You are the only one that I want. You are the one that I will love forever.

 

Then he sent me a link to Tina Turner's "You are simply the best"

Aaah, how freakin' sweet is THAT!

 

Maybe he is planning to cheat and is sending me this out of guilt?

I'm sure that's it, he's in bed with another woman but excusing himself to test you out of guilt. You crack me up.

I HAVE to stop thinking like this

 

As for 50% of men cheat, is that the latest for North american men? JK. Men who do cheat usually don't go public, that is, they usually don't hook up when their out with their buddies. The might do other stupid things like try out lame pick up lines but probably not even that. I'd worry more about driving home from a bar or club than picking up something there

[RovingReporter]

ES, behavior like this is so tiring. He's going to leave you soon unless you get your act together. Real talk.

[oldguy]

I'm sure that's it, he's in bed with another woman but excusing himself to test you out of guilt. You crack me up.

 

I meant "TEXT", not "test".

[Eternal Sunshine]

ES, behavior like this is so tiring. He's going to leave you soon unless you get your act together. Real talk.

 

No, because I only posted on LS and he doesn't really know how insecure I am about his night out.

[EasyHeart]

If he's going to cheat, he'll find a way to cheat. If he's not going to cheat, then he's not going to cheat. Whether he goes out with his buddies is irrelevant.

 

Let the poor guy have some fun. Everyone needs friends/interests outside of the relationship.

[bittersweet memories]

You're always invited but he'll still go even if you can't. That's reasonable, I have to admit, though I wouldn't like it either... I have the same issues

 

 

 

I would feel the same too. I don't have a problem my SO having a beer with his friends but going clubbing is a different story.

[RovingReporter]

No, because I only posted on LS and he doesn't really know how insecure I am about his night out.

 

 

Uh, yes. The constant reassurance will drive any man out of his mind.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I ended up texting him "having fun cutie?"

 

I couldn't resist

 

We exchanged about 5 texts. He is at this bar/club place and says he is talking to his friend about his recent break up. He responded to all texts right away. Still, he said that he is having a really good time. Whenever he went out on boy's nights previously he would always tell me how bad of a time he had and how happy he is to have left that part of his life behind.

 

I jokingly texted "I hope you are not picking up ;)" he responded "no way, I like you too much". But he misspelled most words which shows that he is clearly drunk :(

 

I will see him tomorrow....but still I feel a bit :S about the whole thing.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Does BF knows this is hurting you?

 

No - I even encouraged him to go out earlier today.

 

I can't actually say: "You are not allowed to go to bars and clubs with friends" after only 4 months together.

[anne1707]

No - I even encouraged him to go out earlier today.

 

I can't actually say: "You are not allowed to go to bars and clubs with friends" after only 4 months together.

 

 

ES - you can't actually say that no matter how long you have been together. You are not his jailer. You can tell him how you feel but you cannot tell him what he can and cannot do.

[GorillaTheater]

ES - you can't actually say that no matter how long you have been together. You are not his jailer. You can tell him how you feel but you cannot tell him what he can and cannot do.

 

Absolutely correct. Your guy's been averaging one outing a month with the guys. That's what I do, after 28 years of marriage. It's very important in my book to spend time connecting with men. It's grounding to be able to share some laughs and called on your sh*t by guys you trust to ell you the truth. One of the biggest and most common mistakes men make is to let those connections slide.

 

My wife is out of town right now. Won't get back until Saturday evening. With all the kids we have, it gives her an opportunity to recharge and relax. Not only is there nothing wrong with that (other than perhaps the kids' dietary habits when dad's in charge of meals), but it's very healthy for her and ultimately us.

 

You gotta let this go. Seriously.

[sumdude]

Being cheated on and/or left for another woman is one of my worst fears.

 

I just hope that if it is going to happen that it happens before I have invested even more of myself.

 

Keep thinking like this and it will become a self fulfilling prophesy. Subconsciously you will act out in ways that will drive someone away.

 

If it does ever happen to you guess what? You will survive.

 

I did.

 

As far as it 'being normal' for him to go out with friends. I believe that not only is it normal but it is healthy and necessary for each individual to have interests and friends outside of the relationship.

[Eternal Sunshine]

ES - you can't actually say that no matter how long you have been together. You are not his jailer. You can tell him how you feel but you cannot tell him what he can and cannot do.

 

Yes, I can say how it makes me feel - but I feel like I have caused enough drama in this relationship already. I need to pick my battles.

 

He really wanted to spend tonight with me but I wasn't free so he is not really at fault. I can't expect him to sit at home when I am unavailable.

 

Another problem is that ALL his friends are single, so that's where they go.

 

A friend of mine told me today that I need to trust him until proven otherwise. She thinks that it would be hard to get anything past me (given my obsessive analysis of his every word).

 

It's now past 2am and he is still out (so much for wanting to go to sleep)

[anne1707]

But him going out with friends now and then should not even be classed as something to battle over. Yet again the poor guy has done nothing wrong but here you are complaining. My H is out tonight straight from work. It does not bother me at all because I trust him. He actually asked me to join him but I refused because it was with his friends and I did not want him to feel he had to "look after me". I want him to relax and enjoy himself. And then tomorrow I get to tease him about his hangover

[Eternal Sunshine]

Keep thinking like this and it will become a self fulfilling prophesy. Subconsciously you will act out in ways that will drive someone away.

 

If it does ever happen to you guess what? You will survive.

 

I did.

 

As far as it 'being normal' for him to go out with friends. I believe that not only is it normal but it is healthy and necessary for each individual to have interests and friends outside of the relationship.

 

Yep, that's actually helpful. If he cheats and/or leaves it's not the end of the world. I have been heart broken before and gotten over it every single time.

 

I guess that my line of thinking should be: if he loves me as much as he says that he does and is a man of integrity - he is not going to cheat.

 

If he is not either one or both of those things then I am better of finding out sooner rather than later.

 

I think I am going to be able to fall asleep now.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Hi!

 

I think you should ignore Pierre. Listen to the guy who's been happily married for 28 years, who goes out with his fellows about monthly.

 

Also, I understand how you feel - who wouldn't, who has read your posts over the years. Of course this is going to make you uneasy.

 

BUT, I think you need to try as much as you can to learn to trust the man you love and who loves you. Unwarranted lack of trust is a LOT more likely to undermine your relationship than him finally cheating on you.

 

If he's having fun, and he has always been "good," then try to learn how to let him enjoy these boy times without getting all dramatic about it within yourself and here, and with him also, of course.

 

If I get the picture of this guy correctly, he is NOT going to cheat because it's against his ethics - NOT because you have him on a tight leash, or he's terrified of your emotional reactions. But tight leashes and draining emotional scenarios could harm any relationship.

 

A while ago, while you were talking about the "red flag" of his lack of serious relationships, I had a sense that this could be not a red flag at all. From what you've shared, it could very well be that he is "marriage minded" and conservative, even old fashioned that way; doesn't take intimate relationships lightly; not seeing himself as a "serial monogamist" or any kind of a player. So, when he gets involved and realizes that this girl is not one he would see himself with lifelong, he might feel honor bound to end it right away.

 

Is he Catholic?

 

Anyway, as I always say, and you ALWAYS hate me to say: don't be so self indulgent of your emotional binges! So far, you have clearly given a lot more positive than negative to this relationship, but doing things like checking all his messages when he has been a very good boy can lead to trouble, even if he really believes he doesn't care. Boundaries and privacy are things everybody and every relationship need.