Is it normal for boyfriend to have regular "boy's nights"?

[nyc_guy2003]

I think that he is not really likely to cheat because:

 

- He is 30 and has never had one night stand, F buddy or FWB relationship.

- He doesn't like sexual promiscuity

- He only had 2 sexual partners before me

- He lost his virginity at 24

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but people who don't have as much sexual experience are more likely to seek it out at some point when they realize that they can get it. It's nothing more than human nature/evolution at work. Explains why people who get married in their teens or early 20s tend to get divorced at a higher rate. At some point you see all your single friends who are still young having a lot of fun and you want some of that for yourself.

[Star Gazer]

I even told him that it's totally OK for him to go clubbing

 

You told him it's okay?

 

Comments like that will lead him to think he needs your permission to do anything. :/

[Mme. Chaucer]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but people who don't have as much sexual experience are more likely to seek it out at some point when they realize that they can get it. It's nothing more than human nature/evolution at work.

 

I'm sure you're right (except for the inclusion of "evolution," which has nothing to do with it. And also, there are many, many exceptions - people who actually CHOOSE to keep their sexual experiences minimal, for various reasons, valid to them. Not every man or woman needs to "sow wild oats."

 

And, this has nothing to do with "CHEATING." A person is either susceptible to falling that way, or they are not.

 

Not EVERY person is interested in having as many sexual experiences as possible. Just like not every person who has exposure to drugs ends up a real druggie.

 

Explains why people who get married in their teens or early 20s tend to get divorced at a higher rate. At some point you see all your single friends who are still young having a lot of fun and you want some of that for yourself.

 

I think you are very young and looking at this through young eyes. Really, people who marry very young mostly divorce because they lacked all the different types of maturity and self knowledge required for a successful marriage when they married.

 

From what ES tells about her boyfriend, I bet he's had bazillions of chances to be a man-whore but he has chosen not to do that with his eyes open. If his relationship with ES does not lead to marriage with her (perish the thought! It's just hypothetical, ES) I would bet money that he still does not go out and run rampant with oat-sowing.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hi!

 

I think you should ignore Pierre. Listen to the guy who's been happily married for 28 years, who goes out with his fellows about monthly.

 

Also, I understand how you feel - who wouldn't, who has read your posts over the years. Of course this is going to make you uneasy.

 

BUT, I think you need to try as much as you can to learn to trust the man you love and who loves you. Unwarranted lack of trust is a LOT more likely to undermine your relationship than him finally cheating on you.

 

If he's having fun, and he has always been "good," then try to learn how to let him enjoy these boy times without getting all dramatic about it within yourself and here, and with him also, of course.

 

If I get the picture of this guy correctly, he is NOT going to cheat because it's against his ethics - NOT because you have him on a tight leash, or he's terrified of your emotional reactions. But tight leashes and draining emotional scenarios could harm any relationship.

 

A while ago, while you were talking about the "red flag" of his lack of serious relationships, I had a sense that this could be not a red flag at all. From what you've shared, it could very well be that he is "marriage minded" and conservative, even old fashioned that way; doesn't take intimate relationships lightly; not seeing himself as a "serial monogamist" or any kind of a player. So, when he gets involved and realizes that this girl is not one he would see himself with lifelong, he might feel honor bound to end it right away.

 

Is he Catholic?

 

Anyway, as I always say, and you ALWAYS hate me to say: don't be so self indulgent of your emotional binges! So far, you have clearly given a lot more positive than negative to this relationship, but doing things like checking all his messages when he has been a very good boy can lead to trouble, even if he really believes he doesn't care. Boundaries and privacy are things everybody and every relationship need.

 

He is not Catholic but that's exactly how he explained it. He said that as soon as he realizes that the girl is not the one he would marry, he breaks up the relationship - he simply feels that it's leading her on to stay any longer. He just takes relationships VERY seriously.

 

As I said before, I feel that he is unlikely to cheat - but if he were to meet someone with whom he had some sort of outwordly "love at first sight" experience - he would leave me.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but people who don't have as much sexual experience are more likely to seek it out at some point when they realize that they can get it. It's nothing more than human nature/evolution at work. Explains why people who get married in their teens or early 20s tend to get divorced at a higher rate. At some point you see all your single friends who are still young having a lot of fun and you want some of that for yourself.

 

I disagree. He was single for 5 years before he met me and was going out with the same group of friends almost every Friday and Saturday night. He never had one night stand. He always tells me that to him sex is too intimate of an act to do it with complete stranger.

[counterman]

It is normal for guys to have regular guy's nights, it's stress relieving and of course he would want to hang out with his friends.

 

I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt. Trust him and if anything bad does happen, well, you have your answer. But worrying about something that is presumably non-existent, it's just gonna hurt you more.

 

If I had a girlfriend and she went to clubs regularly with her friends, I wouldn't mind. But if this gets in the way of our relationship or she does something stupid, then she's out of my life straight away.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This morning he woke me up at 9am with a text "Good morning my love, can't wait to see you today ".

 

He is also quite social and hates sitting at home by himself.

 

He just now texted me that he is going out for coffee with his brother and his male friend....

 

I am super nervous as he is meeting my parents today (it was supposed to happen last weekend but my mum got sick) - interestingly enough he was the one that asked me to meet my parents and not the other way around.

 

My mum is cooking dinner and she is sooo excited (he is only the second guy ever that I am bringing home). I am trying to get her hopes down. I keep repeating that this doesn't mean anything, that we could break up tomorrow. Doesn't help much :S

Edited June 25, 2011 by Eternal Sunshine

[keepsmilin74]

I still think that when this happens again (you unavailable the night he goes out with friends) keep an open plan that you might join him later when you're free. Then you have that option to be with him and have fun instead of stewing at home at 2am!

[Eternal Sunshine]

You told him it's okay?

 

Comments like that will lead him to think he needs your permission to do anything. :/

 

The thing is, I have been planning a girl's night out that will involve clubbing for a while now. As soon as I mentioned clubbing, bf got kind of anxious and immediately asked if he can come with. This was in front of my more assertive girlfriend. She straight away said "Sorry, no. We want to catch up with ES alone. We haven't seen her in a while." So later, he was a bit moody about me going clubbing without him. He argued that there is a difference between girls and guys going clubbing. When guys go, guy has to make a decision to go ahead and approach girls. Girls on the other hand will get approached all night.

 

So we agreed to ask each other for permission to go clubbing. We also agreed that few beers at a bar/pub with friends is different than clubbing and doesn't need permission BUT we need to tell each other when we are going, where, who with etc...

[Eternal Sunshine]

T-minus 2 hours till "meet the parents" *scared*

[nothappyjan]

T-minus 2 hours till "meet the parents" *scared*

 

hahaha same for me!!! Goodluck!

 

P.S I'm normally pretty cynical about most guys, but i truly believe you got a good one and im very jealous!

[nyc_guy2003]

I disagree. He was single for 5 years before he met me and was going out with the same group of friends almost every Friday and Saturday night. He never had one night stand. He always tells me that to him sex is too intimate of an act to do it with complete stranger.

 

This kind of reminds me of when someone's cheating, and they start trash-talking the girl they're cheating with to throw you off their trail. If he has that strong of a reaction to not having sex with strangers, there's a good chance that it's a front. Just don't want you to be blindsided.

[OpenBook]

He argued that there is a difference between girls and guys going clubbing. When guys go, guy has to make a decision to go ahead and approach girls. Girls on the other hand will get approached all night.

 

Yeah I've heard that one before. My exH tried to pull that crap on me when we were negotiating "free nights out". What he's really saying is that (in his mind) it's OK for him to go out & kick up his heels, but it's not OK for his woman to.

 

So I would look at this statement as a big red flag, and watch for other signs of jealous and controlling behavior on his part. I hope (for your sake) he doesn't turn out to be of the same ilk as my ex. They don't change their ways or their thinking.

[Ginger Beer]

By that I mean going to a bar with a bunch of friends and getting drunk.

 

My boyfriend is having one tonight. Every time he has one, it makes me nervous that he is going to pick up or something. Of course I don't tell him that

 

I mean, is it really OK for a person in a serious relationship to go to bars and clubs without their SO?

Granted, he wanted to spend tonight with me but I have a work function. It just wouldn't kill him to spend one evening at home

 

Not to mention that some of his friends are players and womenizers.....Agh.

 

No, it's not OK and there are far too many people who think it is 'as long as you trust each other'

 

Here is what I think; an agreement should be in place early on, what is acceptable and what is out of bounds. Bars and house parties are OK, clubs are not. We all know what happens in clubs, add alcohol and slutty friends to the mix and it just makes it highly likely something will happen.

 

Why do people go to clubs anyway? It's for the opposite sex, it always is.

[nyc_guy2003]

Agree with the above posters. I don't know what it's like in the rest of the country, but in New York City if you're a guy and you're going to a legitimate nightclub, one of two things have to happen for you to get in:

 

1) You have a high female-to-male ratio in your group, and the females have to be good looking and well-dressed (ie. tight dresses and heels)

 

2) You have to pay for bottle service, which runs up to $1000 for a bottle of citron in the top clubs in the city. Normally if you're dropping that much on a bottle, you will have hot girls coming up to your table for free drinks all night.

 

Long story short, men don't go "clubbing" just to hang out with their guy friends.

[carhill]

I find it a bit disconcerting that a man who prides himself on his respect and desire for healthy relationships would align himself with 'players and womanizers' for friends.

 

IME, people generally gravitate towards like-minded people to form serious friendships.

 

If most of his friends who he's going out with are married/LTR and you've been out with them and feel comfortable with them, then 'boy's nights out' shouldn't rise to a greater concern than any other issue. I for one am hoping that the 'players and womanizers' aren't married/LTR as that portends a darker future for things.

 

Where I live, within my social circle of male friends, all of whom are married, when we want to have a 'boy's night out', we take over one friend's home, kick all the females out, and set up the bar and BBQ and have a good time. An added benefit is no one is ever tempted to drive drunk and the bar never closes

 

I hope the parental meeting went well and I'm sure you can resolve this. I merely wished to voice my perspective based on decades of having male friends and being a man. Hope it works out.

[nyc_guy2003]

I find it a bit disconcerting that a man who prides himself on his respect and desire for healthy relationships would align himself with 'players and womanizers' for friends.

 

IME, people generally gravitate towards like-minded people to form serious friendships.

 

If most of his friends who he's going out with are married/LTR and you've been out with them and feel comfortable with them, then 'boy's nights out' shouldn't rise to a greater concern than any other issue. I for one am hoping that the 'players and womanizers' aren't married/LTR as that portends a darker future for things.

 

Where I live, within my social circle of male friends, all of whom are married, when we want to have a 'boy's night out', we take over one friend's home, kick all the females out, and set up the bar and BBQ and have a good time. An added benefit is no one is ever tempted to drive drunk and the bar never closes

 

I hope the parental meeting went well and I'm sure you can resolve this. I merely wished to voice my perspective based on decades of having male friends and being a man. Hope it works out.

 

This guy speaks the truth. I am married but have a high proportion of single friends my age, given that I live in New York City. Whenever I hang with my single friends, the focus of the evening is always about meeting chicks, talking about chicks, scoping chicks, etc. When I hang with my married friends it's a more sedate "let's go to any dive bar and just catch up" type of mood.

[make me believe]

Just between me and the whole LS, I already checked his phone, FB and e-mail.

 

Wow. Does he know that you did this? It is seriously f*cked up to invade his privacy like that. I would honestly dump somebody who did that to me, especially after only four months and with the way he seems to spend 90% of his time trying to reassure you about his feelings/the status of your relationship. It is SOOOOO not ok for you to do sh*t like this.

 

A boys/girls night out is ok once in awhile. I'm not ok with clubs if you're married or in a serious relationship (it doesn't make sense to me) but a casual bar or a night at a friends house is no big deal. My husband's thing is metal shows and he goes to one every couple of weeks and will stay at the bar hanging out with his friends after the show until it closes. He keeps in touch via text a couple of times throughout the night but he definitely doesn't feel the need to text me constant reassurances like your poor BF has to. And my husband's friends are all good guys -- I agree with carhill that it seems strange that such an allegedly upstanding guy like your BF would hang out with people described as womanizers and players.

[Star Gazer]

I find it a bit disconcerting that a man who prides himself on his respect and desire for healthy relationships would align himself with 'players and womanizers' for friends.

 

IME, people generally gravitate towards like-minded people to form serious friendships.

 

If most of his friends who he's going out with are married/LTR and you've been out with them and feel comfortable with them, then 'boy's nights out' shouldn't rise to a greater concern than any other issue. I for one am hoping that the 'players and womanizers' aren't married/LTR as that portends a darker future for things.

 

Where I live, within my social circle of male friends, all of whom are married, when we want to have a 'boy's night out', we take over one friend's home, kick all the females out, and set up the bar and BBQ and have a good time. An added benefit is no one is ever tempted to drive drunk and the bar never closes

 

I hope the parental meeting went well and I'm sure you can resolve this. I merely wished to voice my perspective based on decades of having male friends and being a man. Hope it works out.

 

I was going to say the same exact thing, CH... but I didn't want to cause ES to stress out any more than she already has.

 

I simply won't date a man who's friends are all players and womanizers, for the exact reason you stated. The fact that this guy is OVER THE TOP in his declarations of love for ES would cause me great concern as well... but so far he's seemed sincere and honest, and we're not there to evaluate first hand.

 

Also, like you, the men I know who are in relationships consider a guys day/night to be a round of golf and then usually drinking around a BBQ, or at most, at a local sports bar while yelling at the TV over the Giants game... but never clubbing. Clubs, for groups of men, are true pick-up joints.

[carhill]

A thought did occur, since I focused in on a small part of the OP's large story, that the 'players and womanizers' could be an exaggeration or projection of insecurities on the OP's part. However, as NYC_guy2003 pointed out, the single guys tend to 'go out' more so, if those are BF's friends, that could explain the 'clubbing' part without necessarily being players and womanizers, rather single male friends doing what they do.

 

In any case, the BF has choices, both in how he socializes and whom with. If he truly is a 'good guy' and 'relationship-minded' (my adjectives), his choices will align with his vision of what that means to him. As an example, as a much younger single man, I had both single and married friends and would socialize with both, often in very different venues. When I was LTR/M, I tended to socialize more with my/our married friends and was more 'couples-oriented' in my choices.

 

Perhaps the parental meeting went well and, in the final analysis, all this is moot. In any event, I wish the OP well

[Jono85]

to some of the women posting above...

 

a lot of my friends would happen to be players/womanizers as well. i've never cheated on a girl and never will. i tease them about their player habits all the time. i've grown up with these friends from elementary school. they're good ppl outside of sleeping around with different girls etc. i think it's a little presumptious to assume that b/c a guy has player friends that he too is a player. it's really not fair. a friend can be the best friend you can imagine, to you, but who are you to tell them how to live their life and settle with one girl etc.

 

i understand how this would worry you at first, but i don't think it's fair to toss guys for this and this alone. but then again you'd probably be doing them a favor anyway.

[Jono85]

A thought did occur, since I focused in on a small part of the OP's large story, that the 'players and womanizers' could be an exaggeration or projection of insecurities on the OP's part. However, as NYC_guy2003 pointed out, the single guys tend to 'go out' more so, if those are BF's friends, that could explain the 'clubbing' part without necessarily being players and womanizers, rather single male friends doing what they do.

 

In any case, the BF has choices, both in how he socializes and whom with. If he truly is a 'good guy' and 'relationship-minded' (my adjectives), his choices will align with his vision of what that means to him. As an example, as a much younger single man, I had both single and married friends and would socialize with both, often in very different venues. When I was LTR/M, I tended to socialize more with my/our married friends and was more 'couples-oriented' in my choices.

 

Perhaps the parental meeting went well and, in the final analysis, all this is moot. In any event, I wish the OP well

 

are you telling me you ditch your single friends when you get into relationships? lol. thats kind of disgusting. glad my friends aren't like that

[Nexus One]

I find it a bit disconcerting that a man who prides himself on his respect and desire for healthy relationships would align himself with 'players and womanizers' for friends.

 

IME, people generally gravitate towards like-minded people to form serious friendships.

 

If most of his friends who he's going out with are married/LTR and you've been out with them and feel comfortable with them, then 'boy's nights out' shouldn't rise to a greater concern than any other issue. I for one am hoping that the 'players and womanizers' aren't married/LTR as that portends a darker future for things.

 

Where I live, within my social circle of male friends, all of whom are married, when we want to have a 'boy's night out', we take over one friend's home, kick all the females out, and set up the bar and BBQ and have a good time. An added benefit is no one is ever tempted to drive drunk and the bar never closes

 

I hope the parental meeting went well and I'm sure you can resolve this. I merely wished to voice my perspective based on decades of having male friends and being a man. Hope it works out.

 

I agree with carhill that it seems strange that such an allegedly upstanding guy like your BF would hang out with people described as womanizers and players.

 

I was going to say the same exact thing, CH... but I didn't want to cause ES to stress out any more than she already has.

 

I simply won't date a man who's friends are all players and womanizers, for the exact reason you stated. The fact that this guy is OVER THE TOP in his declarations of love for ES would cause me great concern as well... but so far he's seemed sincere and honest, and we're not there to evaluate first hand.

 

Also, like you, the men I know who are in relationships consider a guys day/night to be a round of golf and then usually drinking around a BBQ, or at most, at a local sports bar while yelling at the TV over the Giants game... but never clubbing. Clubs, for groups of men, are true pick-up joints.

 

to some of the women posting above...

 

a lot of my friends would happen to be players/womanizers as well. i've never cheated on a girl and never will. i tease them about their player habits all the time. i've grown up with these friends from elementary school. they're good ppl outside of sleeping around with different girls etc. i think it's a little presumptious to assume that b/c a guy has player friends that he too is a player. it's really not fair. a friend can be the best friend you can imagine, to you, but who are you to tell them how to live their life and settle with one girl etc.

 

i understand how this would worry you at first, but i don't think it's fair to toss guys for this and this alone. but then again you'd probably be doing them a favor anyway.

 

I agree with Jono85 for the most part.

 

I also know people that are players/womanizers/cheaters, that doesn't mean I would cheat myself or that I act like a player/womanizer. 50% of all men cheat, it's hard, if not impossible to avoid knowing such guys. I know several of those guys since childhood, I have experienced adventures with those guys, they've grown into my heart.

 

I don't agree with how those guys treat women and I don't copy their behavior. I talk about it with them up to the point that they get angry. When you get at the core of it, every single one of them has been burnt by one or more women in the past, after which they changed their attitude towards all women. Often they're not bad guys in general when you really get to know them, but they are disrespectful towards women.

 

Does their behavior rub off on me? I see of course what they do, what you basically witness when seeing a player do his thing is a guy with natural talent to seduce a woman. I can't deny that even as a decent guy you can learn from that. It comes in handy when you're single and want to chase and catch the woman that you want to become your SO.

 

Hanging out with such guys does mean that you get a lot of "opportunities" as plenty of women will flock around them and you'll get all sorts of "offers" from those women, but it simply doesn't lie within my character to make use of those opportunities. And like I said, 50% of all guys cheat and 50% do not and just because the first group does it, doesn't mean they can convince or pressure the latter group to do it too. I and Jono are an example of that, we're simply in the latter group. It does not lie within our character and/or ethical framework to do that, regardless of who we sometimes hang out with. And I think the same is true for ES's boyfriend, it's not within his character to let himself get convinced or pressured by his friends into similar behavior.

Edited June 25, 2011 by Nexus One

[carhill]

Here's a few quotes from the OP:

 

"Whenever he went out on boy's nights previously he would always tell me how bad of a time he had and how happy he is to have left that part of his life behind."

 

"The thing is, I have been planning a girl's night out that will involve clubbing for a while now. As soon as I mentioned clubbing, bf got kind of anxious and immediately asked if he can come with. This was in front of my more assertive girlfriend. She straight away said "Sorry, no. We want to catch up with ES alone. We haven't seen her in a while." So later, he was a bit moody about me going clubbing without him. He argued that there is a difference between girls and guys going clubbing. When guys go, guy has to make a decision to go ahead and approach girls. Girls on the other hand will get approached all night. "

 

"I do have major trust issues. He asked me few nights ago "Do you think that you will ever be able to trust me?" I honestly said "I don't know"."

 

 

I'll dig a bit deeper as required, perhaps into her past threads; I'm seeing inconsistency and a budding double standard.

 

It's up to the OP to decide what her boundaries are and how she enforces them. Had Mr. BF said 'Sure hon, I hope you enjoy your girl's night out. I know I always do when I go out with the guys', I'd have more of a smile on my face. Instead, he is clearly asking her if she will ever be able to trust him and is 'moody' when called upon to trust her. ETA, that even that (him enjoying himself) is suspect because he indicates at one time he does and at another that he's so happy he left that part of his life behind.

 

I sincerely want SACWA to succeed and be happy; that said, I call them as I see them and no gender escapes my microscope

 

P.S. and I honestly didn't see this thread from the OP until just now editing. It's worth a read, IMO.

Edited June 25, 2011 by carhill

[nyc_guy2003]

100% agree with carhill. A guy who has to constantly claim that he's not cheating, not doing anything wrong, has no desire to b@ng hot chicks, etc. is overcompensating for something. Sort of like guys who constantly g@y bash and make g@y jokes and later you find out that they're indeed g@y.