My Best Friends Wedding...

[lindslax]

I have been best friends with my guy friend for over 11 years who has had feelings for me ever since we've known each other. He's currently engaged to be married next year. Recently, we decided to have a few drinks and one thing led to another and we both ended up having sex. None of us regret it but now I feel as though maybe I do have feelings for him as well but am stuck in this predicament on what to do next. He contacts me everyday just to say hi. We agreed to stay friends but he constantly brings up the fact if I regret what happened that night but he seems to like the fact it happened. I told him how I felt a few days ago and he explained that I was three years too late in telling him how I felt. He wants to stay friends, though but yet he keeps contacting me each and everyday. I get messages from him that he thinks I'm attractive and that night was amazing, etc. I have gone on with my days trying to just get over it, but it's not easy. I'm starting to regret having sex with him because of the situation. And am unsure on how to handle this. I know what I did was wrong on my end too but prior to the event we both would talk about just doing it before he got married because of the built up tension.

He has always suggested for us to hangout and I would always say no because I put myself in his fiancees position. My friends believe that he is in love with me as I am with him, but I always tell them that I'm not. Everytime I call or text him he always responds back and lately I have been drinking to get my mind off of what happened and he's been noticing that when I go out with my girlfriends I tend to text him more while having that liquid courage but the past few days I've been spacing myself from him because of not showing my true emotions for him.

 

I'm at lost...

[OWoman]

lately I have been drinking to get my mind off of what happened and he's been noticing that when I go out with my girlfriends I tend to text him more while having that liquid courage but the past few days I've been spacing myself from him because of not showing my true emotions for him.

 

I'm at lost...

 

This is not good. The situation is getting to you and you need to confront it and address it.

 

You've told him how you feel about him - he feels committed to going ahead with his M (by telling you you're 3 years too late in telling him how you feel) so you have your answer. He doesn't feel enough for you to can the wedding and become a couple with you, however much he enjoyed the sex.

 

He wants to keep you as a friend, but you clearly have crossed the line and can't now put him back in the "friend" box. So you're faced with a choice, at this stage:

 

* are you prepared to become the Other Woman, the woman who loves a man who is married to someone else, and who possibly has sex with him sometimes even though he is in a R with someone else?

 

If you are, there are plenty of stories here about what that might involve, so you can get a clearer picture of how things might pan out for you were you to do that. From what you describe, though, this isn't what you want - you're saying you're starting to regret having had sex with him because of the situation. That suggests that you're not altogether comfortable with being his Other Woman, in which case

 

* are you prepared to lose him as a friend?

 

It seems that those are the only two choices here - if you remain his friend, knowing that you have feelings for him, and that he has feelings for you even though he chooses another above those feelings, there is every possibility that you will remain the OW. The chances of erasing what happened and going back to "just friends" are minimal - the fact that you've already confessed your feelings to him has seen that ship sail.

 

You could, of course, speak to his fiancee and tell her that you had sex with her fiance and that you have feelings for each other, and clue her in so that she can make up her own mind about whether or not to go ahead with the wedding - but be warned, the chances are that that won't turn out very prettily. He will likely deny your claims, and feel betrayed by you and angry with you, and she may well believe him and see you as a stalker, and you may feel even more conflicted from the fall-out.

 

You need to consider your options and decide what future you can most easily live with, and then do the necessary. Good luck

[TurningTables]

I'm afraid I don't agree with you. I believe he's testing the waters, so to speak. Okay he may be whining and complaining a bit and maybe trying to sound "hard to get" (as if...) by telling her she's three years too late, but he's obviously pursuing her big time. He's engaged to be married next year, not next week. Plenty of time to reschedule plans if the opportunity arises.

 

If you have feelings for him, this is the time to explore them. Basically you're being given the opportunity to avoid becoming the OW two or three years down the line, by becoming the W or at least the girlfriend, before he's married this other woman. Grab your opportunity. You sound confused, and I hope you don't finally decide to give in to your feelings after he's been married. That would be a shame. Now things are much less complex. Approach this situation and explore everything as if you were both single, because, in a sense, you still are.

 

 

You have got to be kidding me, right? This guy is engaged! He is with someone else. Committed to someone else and you are telling her to go after it? Im sorry, but that is just wrong.Anyway...

 

Welcome to LS lindslax. Sorry to hear you are hurting. I am in a similar situation, although, my xmm/best friend is married. We've been friends longer than you and your friend has, however, we are NOT having a PA. Once you cross that line between friends and lovers, its very hard to go back. Bottom line here is that he is engaged to someone else. You gave him the details about how you felt. How did he respond besides saying "youre too late"? Did he tell you that he loved you? Did he tell you how he felt about the whole situation? I must prepare you that he might be "sowing his oats" before he takes the plunge. Have you thought about his finacee' waiting in the wings? What about her? These are the things that I wished someone would have pointed out to me before I went into a friendship/EA.

 

If he answers these questions and still stays with her, you need to stay away from him. It will only bring you heartache and sorrow in the long run. Sorry I dont have better news for ya. Hopefully, everyone here can give some more advice. I know they've helped me a great deal. Good Luck to you.

[TurningTables]

Wrong though it may sound to you, this is a forum for OW and we don't want her to go down that road. That's why I am giving her this advice. The guy is with someone else, yes, but he is not married; and he willingly put his d**k inside her, and she willingly let him do it, and now it seems there are feelings on both sides, and it seems they've been there for quite some time. I'm not suggesting dishonesty or deceit, quite the opposite. But it's obvious some soul-searching has to happen, and that may mean more contact (not necessarily of a sexual nature) between them so that they both find out where they really stand, before the guy is married. I stand by what I wrote.

 

 

Sorry for h/j this thread but she is ALREADY the OW in the situation. As far as the soul-searching? Cmon! You know when you have feelings for someone and are attracted to them, its only a matter of time before things become physical. She needs to stop it NOW. You cant go back. Its next to impossiable.

[Mimolicious]

I partly agree with Red but come on Red, I think you are being a bit too overboard with your suggestion to conquest her friend. In reality, he is engaged to another woman, I don't see where he qualifies as being "Single" and up for "soul-searching", unless he feels like he is marrying the wrong person. Let him decide that based on what his fiancee is worth to him, not what someone he slept with is. I don't get why people make a decision benchmarked by a third party. Why not face the person who you are in a R with and either be with them for them or leave them for them!!! Like they say "Don't make a permanent decision based on temporary feelings"- the irony in that message...

 

I mean, maybe the OP is making something out of nothing. Doesn't sound like the dude is willing to back down from moving ahead with is wedding.

Sucks but in reality there are plently of single people out there. Please don't go being one of his bridesmaids now...

[MissBee]

You have got to be kidding me, right? This guy is engaged! He is with someone else. Committed to someone else and you are telling her to go after it? Im sorry, but that is just wrong.Anyway...

 

Welcome to LS lindslax. Sorry to hear you are hurting. I am in a similar situation, although, my xmm/best friend is married. We've been friends longer than you and your friend has, however, we are NOT having a PA. Once you cross that line between friends and lovers, its very hard to go back. Bottom line here is that he is engaged to someone else. You gave him the details about how you felt. How did he respond besides saying "youre too late"? Did he tell you that he loved you? Did he tell you how he felt about the whole situation? I must prepare you that he might be "sowing his oats" before he takes the plunge. Have you thought about his finacee' waiting in the wings? What about her? These are the things that I wished someone would have pointed out to me before I went into a friendship/EA.

 

If he answers these questions and still stays with her, you need to stay away from him. It will only bring you heartache and sorrow in the long run. Sorry I dont have better news for ya. Hopefully, everyone here can give some more advice. I know they've helped me a great deal. Good Luck to you.

 

Agree.

 

This may be some sexual tension and what not but it doesn't seem like some huge case of love IMO.

 

If he's engaged to someone else and messing around with you and investing energy to constantly say how much he didn't regret and enjoyed it...he needs to really go on somewhere and get his mind sorted out because that is a MESS and very tacky.

 

I think you should leave him to his own devises and set strict boundaries and not bother with all that. Would you want to be with him? I think even if he doesn't want to marry this girl and I think he shouldn't be marrying anyone right now, it doesn't seem like his head space is good for being with anyone at the moment. I can see the whole thing being a mess later on down, even if he called off his engagement and you guys dated.

 

You say you think you have feelings, this and that and it just doesn't seem like anything sure but some spur of the moment thing that happened that may have no substantial meaning for the future so is not worth you complicating your life over.

[Tenacity]

I partly agree with Red but come on Red, I think you are being a bit too overboard with your suggestion to conquest her friend. In reality, he is engaged to another woman, I don't see where he qualifies as being "Single" and up for "soul-searching", unless he feels like he is marrying the wrong person. Let him decide that based on what his fiancee is worth to him, not what someone he slept with is. I don't get why people make a decision benchmarked by a third party. Why not face the person who you are in a R with and either be with them for them or leave them for them!!! Like they say "Don't make a permanent decision based on temporary feelings"- the irony in that message...

 

I mean, maybe the OP is making something out of nothing. Doesn't sound like the dude is willing to back down from moving ahead with is wedding.

Sucks but in reality there are plently of single people out there. Please don't go being one of his bridesmaids now...

 

Agree wholeheartedly.

 

A commitment to another person is a commitment. Be it marriage, engagement, exclusively dating... if someone makes that commitment to another, and then breaks it without the other's knowledge, it's cheating.

 

In this case the only person who may need to do any 'soul searching' is this man. If he wants to end his relationship it should be on the basis of the RELATIONSHIP, not a third party.

 

I mean, think of it this way. Would you really want to be committed to a guy who didn't have the cojones to get himself out of a relationship that he was only halfheartedly committed to, and instead decided to handle it by sleeping with someone else? What's to say he wouldn't eventually do that to you?

 

If he slept with you because he's in love with you and wants to be with YOU and not her, then he's going about it exactly the wrong way and I would not trust such a man with my own future. And if he slept with you because he wanted sex, then there certainly is not anything good that can come with pursuing him further.

[MissBee]

Agree wholeheartedly.

 

A commitment to another person is a commitment. Be it marriage, engagement, exclusively dating... if someone makes that commitment to another, and then breaks it without the other's knowledge, it's cheating.

 

In this case the only person who may need to do any 'soul searching' is this man. If he wants to end his relationship it should be on the basis of the RELATIONSHIP, not a third party.

 

I mean, think of it this way. Would you really want to be committed to a guy who didn't have the cojones to get himself out of a relationship that he was only halfheartedly committed to, and instead decided to handle it by sleeping with someone else? What's to say he wouldn't eventually do that to you?

 

If he slept with you because he's in love with you and wants to be with YOU and not her, then he's going about it exactly the wrong way and I would not trust such a man with my own future. And if he slept with you because he wanted sex, then there certainly is not anything good that can come with pursuing him further.

 

Brilliant post!

[Tenacity]

Brilliant post!

 

Thank you MissBee I have learned so much from your posts, and those of others here. This site has helped so much.

 

At this point in my healing I hope that I can give something back, and maybe prevent someone else from going through the hell that I have gone through in the last several years.

[fooled once]

I have been best friends with my guy friend for over 11 years who has had feelings for me ever since we've known each other. He's currently engaged to be married next year. Recently, we decided to have a few drinks and one thing led to another and we both ended up having sex. None of us regret it but now I feel as though maybe I do have feelings for him as well but am stuck in this predicament on what to do next. He contacts me everyday just to say hi. We agreed to stay friends but he constantly brings up the fact if I regret what happened that night but he seems to like the fact it happened. I told him how I felt a few days ago and he explained that I was three years too late in telling him how I felt. He wants to stay friends, though but yet he keeps contacting me each and everyday. I get messages from him that he thinks I'm attractive and that night was amazing, etc. I have gone on with my days trying to just get over it, but it's not easy. I'm starting to regret having sex with him because of the situation. And am unsure on how to handle this. I know what I did was wrong on my end too but prior to the event we both would talk about just doing it before he got married because of the built up tension.

He has always suggested for us to hangout and I would always say no because I put myself in his fiancees position. My friends believe that he is in love with me as I am with him, but I always tell them that I'm not. Everytime I call or text him he always responds back and lately I have been drinking to get my mind off of what happened and he's been noticing that when I go out with my girlfriends I tend to text him more while having that liquid courage but the past few days I've been spacing myself from him because of not showing my true emotions for him.

 

I'm at lost...

 

He is playing with you. You are taking it that he loves you. He doesn't. If he loved you, he would have broken the engagement and he hasn't.

 

He enjoyed sex with you and knows he can convince you to do it again. He likes that you are flattering him and giving him attention. Just because a guy texts you doesn't equal he loves you.

 

If you have no problem continuing to be a hidden lover, keep having sex with him. You will continue to fall more and more 'in love' with him and when he walks down the isle to marry his fiance, you will be beyond heartbroken.

 

Wrong though it may sound to you, this is a forum for OW and we don't want her to go down that road. That's why I am giving her this advice. The guy is with someone else, yes, but he is not married; and he willingly put his d**k inside her, and she willingly let him do it, and now it seems there are feelings on both sides, and it seems they've been there for quite some time. I'm not suggesting dishonesty or deceit, quite the opposite. But it's obvious some soul-searching has to happen, and that may mean more contact (not necessarily of a sexual nature) between them so that they both find out where they really stand, before the guy is married. I stand by what I wrote.

 

Uh.. Red, she is already the other woman UNLESS the fiance knows about her and has told her fiance to keep having sex with her. He is ALREADY committed to someone else. Many men willingly put a 'd*ck" in any woman willing to let him. His having sex with her doesn't equal that he loves her or wants her - it means he is horny.

 

We have no idea if he really has feelings for her. She may have misinterpreted his actions. I don't recall her stating that he has TOLD HER he loves her; and again, he obviously doesn't love her enough to end his engagement.

 

If you aren't suggesting dishonesty or deceit, why didn't you advice the OP to tell the finance? Why are you telling her to go for it; knowing that it is dishonest and deceitful to the fiance? Or does she not matter?

 

OP - unless you are content to be his side piece, walk away.

[carrie999]

Agree wholeheartedly.

A commitment to another person is a commitment. Be it marriage, engagement, exclusively dating... if someone makes that commitment to another, and then breaks it without the other's knowledge, it's cheating.

In this case the only person who may need to do any 'soul searching' is this man. If he wants to end his relationship it should be on the basis of the RELATIONSHIP, not a third party.

I mean, think of it this way. Would you really want to be committed to a guy who didn't have the cojones to get himself out of a relationship that he was only halfheartedly committed to, and instead decided to handle it by sleeping with someone else? What's to say he wouldn't eventually do that to you?

 

If he slept with you because he's in love with you and wants to be with YOU and not her, then he's going about it exactly the wrong way and I would not trust such a man with my own future. And if he slept with you because he wanted sex, then there certainly is not anything good that can come with pursuing him further.

 

I respectfully disagree with the bolded comments, only because of their background. In any other situation, I'd agree that he's got cold feet, is testing the waters, sowing his oats, etc.

 

He has probably been in love with Linds for the past 11 years, and finally decided to move on when he realized that her love for him was different. But when they ended up together that night, he probably realized he's not over his love for her is stronger than his love for his fiancee. After all this time, he finally "got the girl" he wanted so badly for all these years.

 

And his reaction right now probably one of two things: A) he realized after the encounter that what he felt for her had really died down and he's ready to be with his fiancee, knowing in his heart that she is the right one for him, or B) he "got her" and is now wondering if his feelings for her are actually reciprocated, or the only reason she did this was either jealousy (as a friend, not a male/female thing...just losing his attention as his "best friend") or because SHE is testing him. It is true that when someone is no longer available, suddenly they become more interesting.

 

That was my thought when reading your post, Linds. ARE you really in love with him? What drove you to sleep with him? Did you suddenly realize that he was your best friend and might be perfect for you and that you were oblivious to it all along? Did you develop feelings that weren't there before? Or might you just be reacting to losing his attention? I've seen plenty of my guy friends get married, and their best friends being the last to truly accept the fiancee. I think to some extent this is why the best man speech is usually peppered with jokes about the groom. Part of it is how guys interact, but the other part is solidifying their role in the the groom's life.

 

What do you think?

[Emme]

Ok this one is going to be hard... I know what thoughts might be going through your mind. When you say best friends I hope you do mean he is your sidekick... the one you always call when things go right or wrong. I don't know the emotions leading up to the escapade you both had but if the feeling of loosing him by him getting married is one reason, it's normal. Your case is exactly what I mean about people who are in love but don't know it until that love is in jeopardy. You feel his love will be gone from you once he's married. He is your friend and now you want more than he can offer you. Right now it can go in any direction but the question you have to ask yourself is, is he worth giving it a go. Meaning in your mind you haven’t made him out to be the guy of your dream because he listens to your every word and knows you inside out. Men are not the same person when they are in a relationship. A friendship is a completely different thing.

 

Honesty is a double edged sword sometimes. No one wants to walk the plank and step out first to say what’s really on their mind and that causes damage… eventually. You need to stop drinking, gather your thoughts about how you feel. Do you truly have feelings for him or are you just feeling the loss of someone that’s in a sense no longer gong to be yours? Tell him exactly how you feel, if you don’t you will regret it. He says your 3 years too late… that’s a cop out response. It does not answer the question if there are emotions there. It just dismisses him from answering the question. When he has given you the answer and tells you there can never be any “us” or “we”. You then have to let him go. Whether its loosing the friendship… so be it! You will have to move on or you'll possibly fall to his charms and be his woman on the side. The choice is yours though. I wish you the best in what comes next. Good luck.

[lindslax]

I'll explain this into more depth. He never realized I had "feelings" for him, until one night I made a drunken mistake and texted him that I loved him. By that I meant as in like a brother-sister type love. One thing led to another and since then he's been contacting me every morning just to say hello. Even though we were both intoxicated that night, he professed how much he cares for me and that I'm the girl he loved. By reading everyone's posts it seems that he might be the one having the issue of not sure of what to do. He implicated to me he doesn't want to know anything about me dating someone else or if I'm having sex with anyone else. It's just getting old of him continuously bringing up that night. I just want to have a normal conversation with him now, and I'm distancing myself away from him. I answer him with short statements and only respond back to when he communicates with me. He tells his fiancee frequently that I was the girl he used to like and that we never dated. Obviously his fiancee despises me. I just feel completely awful for her that I've done this, but with my best friend he doesn't regret the whole entire situation as a whole. I actually feel bad for him. I'm the single one without any attachments.