DDINNYC Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 My husband and I have a very polarized relationship. The good times were great and the bad times were horrible. We got married after 5 months of intense and passionate dating. We had to get married because I was having immigration problems and we pretty much set ourselves up for failure from then on. There were a lot of insecurities and miscommunication. We both have a lot of problems we need to work on individually; however, we did love each other a lot and all the good times are great memories that we will always cherish. Our fights started within a couple of months of marriage and were really bad last summer (we got married last year). But slowly things got better, but we still had fights that left us both emotionally exhausted and damaged. In February one such fight made my husband want to move out. We went back and forth on it for three months, during which he started acting out and saying horrible mean things. Throughout, I tried to work on things on my end with a therapist. Finally in the last month, he started softening up and we started working on things together. He seemed like he really wanted things to work and was talking very optimistically about the future. We agreed that we would separate for a while and in that time we will see a marriage counselor. I finally moved out and within one week we had a huge fight and my husband came right out and said that he is done. He wants a divorce. He refuses to talk about his decision and I chose not to try to convince him against it. I am just trying to move on with my life, and we are in the process of filing the divorce documents. I believe that there is no use in fighting this, and it is actually better to get a divorce as the very fact of being married was putting a lot of pressure on us (we both put a lot of pressure on ourselves to make it work, especially because we did not want to look stupid for having got married within 5 months). My immigration issues are also resolved. I plan on moving on and building a new life. However, I do want to know if there is any hope for reconciliation in the future. When I think of the loving words and things he said and did in the month prior to my moving out and of course in all the good times we had before February, I feel there is hope. When I think about his anger in the three months and the anger with which he conveyed that he wants a divorce, I feel like there is not. Many times I feel like if he had some time to cool off, things would be different. We have only been married for 15 months and together for 20 months, but in many ways I feel like with work individually (it would behoove us to work on things individually no matter who we are in a relationship with), and working on communicating better we are perfect together in many many ways. Am I delusional or is there any hope at all? If there is hope how can I make it happen if he is so angry right now and does not want to talk after the divorce is finalized? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DDINNYC Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 Any insight will be greatly appreciated... Link to post Share on other sites
broken_hearted Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Unfortunately, I am going through a divorce myself, but mine is a Jerry Springer episode. I truly believe that if things are meant to be that you can reconnect again down the road. Time does heal and people go through things like this every day and reconcile. I can tell you that what you were doing wasn't working, so maybe in given time one or both of you will realize that this isn't what you wanted and you can try counseling. I would also like to add that you do need to move forward b/c if you are sitting around waiting for things to happen you'll most likely be very disappointed. I'm no expert at this as I explained I am going through the pain myself. I feel for you and g'luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author DDINNYC Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 Thank you for your feedback. I was going through several emotions: fear, sense of loss, anger, regret, and hope for reconciliation. For some reason, today I am stuck on the hope. I do plan on moving on and getting my life together. I am hoping that with time either I will just forget about this hope for reconciliation and enjoy my new life, or something will work out with my husband. But yes, you are right, I cannot be stuck on this and keep waiting around. I will never truly move on that way. Link to post Share on other sites
BetterDays Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Thank you for your feedback. I was going through several emotions: fear, sense of loss, anger, regret, and hope for reconciliation. For some reason, today I am stuck on the hope. I do plan on moving on and getting my life together. I am hoping that with time either I will just forget about this hope for reconciliation and enjoy my new life, or something will work out with my husband. But yes, you are right, I cannot be stuck on this and keep waiting around. I will never truly move on that way. Yes, couples have reconciled. Does it happen often? Based on what I've read on various forums, including here, it does not happen often. And if it does, it's not always rewarding. There can be hope but don't let hope consume you. You have to move on and work on yourself. Based on the fact that you two fight often, I would say that learning how to resolve conflict without anger would be a good start. It would be good if he would work on that too but you can't control what he wants and thinks. But, maybe if you change, he might be open to change as well. I hope you get what you want and it's good for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DDINNYC Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 Yup. I am really trying focus on learning and growing for the better from this experience. I guess, I just need to work on taking care of myself and making positive changes on my behalf and not think so much about reconciliation. If it is meant to happen it will. If not, I will be a better person from all of this and hopefully build a better relationship with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereButUp Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 This was so similar to my own situation I had to register and post - how are things for you now? My ex gf seems to be carrying an excess of resentment atm and I'm wondering if it will ever subside to the point that she'll be open to reconciliation... We had the same polarity within our 20 months - the good times were amazing and the bad times were just ugh. Too attached to each other, not enough love left for ourselves. Gave it all, but we REALLY loved each other. I'd like to see us get back there sometime in the future - I can relate to the hope you're feeling, seemingly against all odds... Link to post Share on other sites
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