2nd Marriages are NOT Easy!

[Mauschen]

Where to start...my marriage with my ex-husband was far from what I had imagined marriage to be. My ex is very selfish, emotionally and physically abusive, and cheated on me for several years with a woman he is now married to. I have ongoing child custody and support issues with my ex. This week we were in court again and we have 2 more scheduled court dates in the future. This is stressful for me.

 

My current marriage...my husband is a lovely man and I think had this been my first marriage, it would be a breeze. Our issues revolve around my past and limitations I have due to my children and interactions with my ex-husband. One major issue includes not being able to relocate to a different city (due to child custody and school issues with my children), which means my husband has a long 45+ minute drive to and from work each day. He is very resentful about his drive. He wants to move anyway, and I refuse because it could affect the parenting time I have with my children. He still pushes to move even though the house we live in is nice. He feels it is too small and he feels controlled by my ex-husband, who has fought in court to keep the children in their current school (and the ex has won on this issue only - I have "won" on other issues). My husband thinks the court system will just overlook a move, but I know they won't.

 

My husband is also resentful that his dog has to stay home alone all day. He used to live near his mom, and she took the dog during the day. He feels that his dog is being neglected due to being home all day alone and the fact that he doesn't get home until at least 6pm because of his drive. I usually get home at 4:30pm and take the dog out and pet him. He sleeps in our bed with us, but I know that may not be enough attention for him.

 

Other issues include my ex not bathing the children, not feeding them properly, and general neglect - all issues that we have to deal with upon the children's return to us. So, each time they are returned I have to bathe them, wash their clothing, spend one-on-one time with them. I removed my children from all of their activities because my husband thought it was taking up too much of our time - so no more swimming or soccer for now. And my husband still thinks I spend too much time with the kids and not enough with him. I feel torn and don't know how to make everyone happy.

 

My husband does not deal well with chaos, and my life is just chaotic. I have a lot of friends (whom I rarely see now), my kids have friends (whom they rarely see now), and they used to be in lots of activities (they are in none now). Every time we invite people over, my husband becomes distant and afterwards complains about how stressful it was for him and how they left such a big mess to clean up after. He feels resentful because he wants less chaos, and I feel resentful because of how much I feel I have given up to please him, and still he is not pleased.

 

The last issue involves more stress. I got pregnant recently (MUCH sooner than we had planned), and now it looks like I will miscarry the baby based on a recent ultrasound scan. My husband is so distraught over this and has been very depressed and cries each night. I am so emotionally worn out that even though I console him, I feel resentful doing it. I guess I feel like I am already sad about this and about many other things in my life, that I can't be of any help to him.

 

I want my husband to be happy, but I feel that I am doing everything possible to make him happy and to no avail. We are without the kids 3 nights per week, and I spend each moment with him, doing what he wants to do. I have no more time and attention available to give him, and he is not happy with the amount of attention I give. He told me that I need to find a way to give him more attention and that he feels I should have dinner ready for him when he arrives home since his drive is so long.

 

I never imagined that a 2nd marriage could be so difficult. My first marriage, despite all of the problems, was so much easier.

[reboot]

Your children > his dog

[Mauschen]

Yes, that is how I feel too, but my husband adores the dog. I think he COULD find a job closer to our current home rather than moving too. In fact, he was offered one a 20-minute drive away, but turned it down. I guess I can only see a couple of options: move or get a job closer to our home. And since moving could affect my child custody, I don't want to do it. Am I being fair here?

Edited June 24, 2011 by Mauschen
spelling

[reboot]

Didn't he know all this before he married you?

[Mauschen]

Yes, he knew that we would possibly be "stuck" in the city I own a home in due to child custody. I made an attempt to change schools through the court and failed. I think he thought it would be an easily-granted request due to my ex's ongoing neglect and abuse of the kids, but those are separate issues and the school change did not go through. I was never dishonest with him about this possibility. Also, my home is nice, I have no mortgage, and if he'd like to, I wouldn't mind finding a bigger home in the same area. Other than his drive and the dog, I am not sure why he is so negative about the city we live in. I honestly don't really care where I live (other than for child custody purposes), so I can't relate.

[xxoo]

Do you really think he expects you to change these realities, or is he just complaining?

 

About the dog--can you hire a dog walker to come midday?

 

Moving--does he want you to move against the court's judgment? That seems very risky and unreasonable.

 

Or, does he want you to try again for a different court decision? I could see doing that, even if you believe it is pointless. He will see that you took some action to at least try. (not saying that you haven't already tried, but he might appreciate the efforts)

 

He is currently complaining about not having enough time with you, but he wants to have a baby. Does he understand that will mean substantially less time for him for a long while? As you know, babies are needy!

 

I am very sorry about your apparent miscarriage

[silktricks]

I could be a thousand miles off base... but what I heard in your post was this:

 

You are cut off from your friends

Your kids are cut off from their friends

Your kids cannot have after school activities because it interferes with his life

He is unhappy that he isn't spending enough time with his dog

He resents the time you spend with your children

 

You say that all of your marital problems are due to your first marriage - uhm no, I don't think so. It really seems like your current husband has some control issues. I would STRONGLY suggest some marriage counseling, as to me this doesn't look good for the future....

 

2nd marriages are VERY difficult when there are children involved. It takes a tremendous amount of energy for the person in the middle (that would be you ) to be able to sort through the problems - and there are ALWAYS problems. I wish you the very best.

[Glinda]

The court was correct. Why should your kids be inconvenienced by changing schools just because you took on a new H? Why can't you new H get a job in your city instead of forcing upheaval upon your children? Haven't they been through enough?

 

I am very disappointed that you have forced your kids to give up their activities for the convenience of a man who is not their father. The kids come first. They should not have to give up their activities to please a man who didn't fully realize what he was getting into by marrying their mother.

 

I suggest he and his dog get an apartment 45 minutes away. Or better yet, he can just move in whith his mom who takes care of the dog. He can always come home on weekends until he finds another job nearer the kid's school.

[musemaj11]

Parents must always put their children first. I ****ing hate people who get involved with people with kids but refuse to accept the kids.

[DaisyLeigh]

He knew all of this going in. It is not like you married him and all of a sudden sprung the kids on him.

 

I say tell him that this is the way it is and if he cannot deal, then he is free to move back close to Mommy.

[carhill]

My ex is very selfish, emotionally and physically abusive, and cheated on me for several years with a woman he is now married to.

I never imagined that a 2nd marriage could be so difficult. My first marriage, despite all of the problems, was so much easier.

If you really feel that way, that a marriage with a man like your first husband was 'easier', then IMO end this now and make it better for everyone. If I were a friend of your H's and heard him relate that perspective to myself, that's exactly what my response would be.

 

If your selfish, abusive and cheating ex-husband who now controls aspects of your current M through the children were to die tomorrow, what would you do?

 

Did you and your current H cohabit prior to being married? If so, for how long?

 

How old are your children? What precludes them from participating in social activities without your presence? Heck, when I was a kid, the only time I saw mom and dad was to eat and do my homework, past the age of seven anyway.

 

What do you want?

[RepairMinded]

1st husband = bad boy

 

2nd husband = nice guy

 

*****

 

Nice guys finish last.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, that is how I feel too, but my husband adores the dog. I think he COULD find a job closer to our current home rather than moving too. In fact, he was offered one a 20-minute drive away, but turned it down. I guess I can only see a couple of options: move or get a job closer to our home. And since moving could affect my child custody, I don't want to do it. Am I being fair here?

 

Kids come first and if he isn't willing to understand this, be supportive and by your side, BE a loving step father and part of your family, it's time to re think the marriage. If you move and he gets his way YOU WILL resent him as time goes on.

 

Though I dont understand why you don't have full custody seeing as your ex is a knob and has crappy parenting skills. I hope you are documenting this for the courts and for your lawyer!

[Woman In Blue]

And ALL this drama with the kids and the ex-husband and the court battles and being court-ordered to stay living in the town you're currently in is EXACTLY why I won't date a man with kids. I don't blame your husband for feeling resentful. It sounds like your whole freakin' lives revolve around YOUR constant battles with your kids and ex-husband. What man WOULDN'T get real sick of that? I'm a female and I wouldn't put up with this crap from a man.

 

He's acting like a baby and demanding attention and stuff simply because he feels he has ZERO control over your lives. And that's exactly what he's got - ZERO control. That would suck for anyone.

[Loni]

Have you tried offering your X to waive child support in return to moving? Give him more Summer and Holiday time?

[Mauschen]

 

Did you and your current H cohabit prior to being married? If so, for how long?

 

How old are your children? What precludes them from participating in social activities without your presence? Heck, when I was a kid, the only time I saw mom and dad was to eat and do my homework, past the age of seven anyway.

 

What do you want?

 

Carhill and others, Thank you for the responses.

 

We did not cohabit prior to marriage.

 

My children are 6 and 8, so they'd need me to drive them to activities. Or hire someone to do it, which I am thinking about.

 

I know my husband is being difficult about some things, but I try to see things from his perspective too. I am sure it is not easy to move in with me and 2 children, change his whole life (he has never been married and is in his mid thirties), have a new terrible drive to work, etc. He has gone from being a bachelor who can do whatever he wants to having an instant family with severe limitations (not being able to move, etc).

 

I want my marriage to work. My husband is a good man - he is kind, thoughtful (most of the time), smart, educated, has a good job. He is good to the children and spends a lot of time playing with them, reading to them, etc. They are very attached to him and would also be devastated if our marriage were to end. So, I want this marriage to work for both me and the kids. I don't think any of us can take any more loss. So, divorce is NOT an option, but helpful ways to solve problems are options.

 

So, based on some responses, I have hired a dog walker to come walk my husband's dog during the day. And I am also going to hire a cleaning service once a week temporarily. I know I could spend money on other things (or save it), but my relationship is more important than the money.

 

After my miscarriage, I will take precautions not to get pregnant again until my husband feels more comfortable with our new life together. I know he wants a child of his own, but I think waiting a while is a good idea. I am going to be 35 this year, so I can't wait forever, but I think I have some time.

 

So, I've solved the dog-walking problem and the house-cleaning problem. Now I have to get my kids back in activities and deal with our inability to move. I don't think there is much I can do about my husband's commute time to work, unfortunately.

[TigerCub]

Yes, he knew that we would possibly be "stuck" in the city I own a home in due to child custody. I made an attempt to change schools through the court and failed. I think he thought it would be an easily-granted request due to my ex's ongoing neglect and abuse of the kids, but those are separate issues and the school change did not go through. I was never dishonest with him about this possibility. Also, my home is nice, I have no mortgage, and if he'd like to, I wouldn't mind finding a bigger home in the same area. Other than his drive and the dog, I am not sure why he is so negative about the city we live in. I honestly don't really care where I live (other than for child custody purposes), so I can't relate.

 

If your ex abuses your children, why isn't this being brought up in the hearings, why the hell is he even getting any custody at all?

 

As for your current husband, I think he feels like you ex is controlling HIS life, because you have constant issues with him, and he wont let the kids change schools, etc. So I think that your H feels that the ex is getting his way and that he (H) is getting screwed over.

 

Everyone is making fun of how your H feels bad for his dog - I don't think its that ridiculous, people without kids see their pets as their kids and we feel bad for them if they are being neglected.

 

I'm not saying that a dog is more important than your kids, but the dog is very important to your H.

 

As another poster suggested, maybe hiring a dog walker would be a way to at least solve that issue.

 

But I honestly think it goes way beyond that.

 

As for you, I understand that you're under a lot of stress and that you're trying to please everyone, but pulling your kids out of their activities is just mean. They've been through their parents divorcing, their ********* dad abuses them, their step-dad resents them, maybe just maybe they need a little outlet and a break.

 

Its true that your H knew what he was getting into, but I don't think he realized the full effect of the mess until he was in it and it impacted is life and became a great inconvenience.

 

He's seeing now that you have way too much baggage and I think the resentment is only going to build. But you still need to do what's best for you children - there's no two ways about that.

 

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like this is gonna have a happy ending.

[TigerCub]

Carhill and others, Thank you for the responses.

 

We did not cohabit prior to marriage.

 

My children are 6 and 8, so they'd need me to drive them to activities. Or hire someone to do it, which I am thinking about.

 

I know my husband is being difficult about some things, but I try to see things from his perspective too. I am sure it is not easy to move in with me and 2 children, change his whole life (he has never been married and is in his mid thirties), have a new terrible drive to work, etc. He has gone from being a bachelor who can do whatever he wants to having an instant family with severe limitations (not being able to move, etc).

 

I want my marriage to work. My husband is a good man - he is kind, thoughtful (most of the time), smart, educated, has a good job. He is good to the children and spends a lot of time playing with them, reading to them, etc. They are very attached to him and would also be devastated if our marriage were to end. So, I want this marriage to work for both me and the kids. I don't think any of us can take any more loss. So, divorce is NOT an option, but helpful ways to solve problems are options.

 

So, based on some responses, I have hired a dog walker to come walk my husband's dog during the day. And I am also going to hire a cleaning service once a week temporarily. I know I could spend money on other things (or save it), but my relationship is more important than the money.

 

After my miscarriage, I will take precautions not to get pregnant again until my husband feels more comfortable with our new life together. I know he wants a child of his own, but I think waiting a while is a good idea. I am going to be 35 this year, so I can't wait forever, but I think I have some time.

 

So, I've solved the dog-walking problem and the house-cleaning problem. Now I have to get my kids back in activities and deal with our inability to move. I don't think there is much I can do about my husband's commute time to work, unfortunately.

 

I wrote all my stuff before seeing this.

 

Good for you for taking whatever steps you could to solve the problems that were fixable.

 

I'm sorry about you miscarriage, I do think that you're very smart to wait on another pregnancy until everyone is more adjusted and things are going more smoothly.

 

***HUGS***

[oldguy]

Where to start...my marriage with my ex-husband was far from what I had imagined marriage to be. My ex is very selfish, emotionally and physically abusive, and cheated on me for several years with a woman he is now married to. I have ongoing child custody and support issues with my ex. This week we were in court again and we have 2 more scheduled court dates in the future. This is stressful for me.

 

My current marriage...my husband is a lovely man and I think had this been my first marriage, it would be a breeze. Our issues revolve around my past and limitations I have due to my children and interactions with my ex-husband. One major issue includes not being able to relocate to a different city (due to child custody and school issues with my children), which means my husband has a long 45+ minute drive to and from work each day. He is very resentful about his drive. He wants to move anyway, and I refuse because it could affect the parenting time I have with my children. He still pushes to move even though the house we live in is nice. He feels it is too small and he feels controlled by my ex-husband, who has fought in court to keep the children in their current school (and the ex has won on this issue only - I have "won" on other issues). My husband thinks the court system will just overlook a move, but I know they won't.

 

My husband is also resentful that his dog has to stay home alone all day. He used to live near his mom, and she took the dog during the day. He feels that his dog is being neglected due to being home all day alone and the fact that he doesn't get home until at least 6pm because of his drive. I usually get home at 4:30pm and take the dog out and pet him. He sleeps in our bed with us, but I know that may not be enough attention for him.

 

Other issues include my ex not bathing the children, not feeding them properly, and general neglect - all issues that we have to deal with upon the children's return to us. So, each time they are returned I have to bathe them, wash their clothing, spend one-on-one time with them. I removed my children from all of their activities because my husband thought it was taking up too much of our time - so no more swimming or soccer for now. And my husband still thinks I spend too much time with the kids and not enough with him. I feel torn and don't know how to make everyone happy.

 

My husband does not deal well with chaos, and my life is just chaotic. I have a lot of friends (whom I rarely see now), my kids have friends (whom they rarely see now), and they used to be in lots of activities (they are in none now). Every time we invite people over, my husband becomes distant and afterwards complains about how stressful it was for him and how they left such a big mess to clean up after. He feels resentful because he wants less chaos, and I feel resentful because of how much I feel I have given up to please him, and still he is not pleased.

 

The last issue involves more stress. I got pregnant recently (MUCH sooner than we had planned), and now it looks like I will miscarry the baby based on a recent ultrasound scan. My husband is so distraught over this and has been very depressed and cries each night. I am so emotionally worn out that even though I console him, I feel resentful doing it. I guess I feel like I am already sad about this and about many other things in my life, that I can't be of any help to him.

I am so sorry

 

I want my husband to be happy, but I feel that I am doing everything possible to make him happy and to no avail. We are without the kids 3 nights per week, and I spend each moment with him, doing what he wants to do. I have no more time and attention available to give him, and he is not happy with the amount of attention I give. He told me that I need to find a way to give him more attention and that he feels I should have dinner ready for him when he arrives home since his drive is so long.

 

I never imagined that a 2nd marriage could be so difficult. My first marriage, despite all of the problems, was so much easier.

 

You have kids & he never has? I know this is the canned response but he & then you & he together could really benefit from some family counselling. He is probably feeling overwhelmed, as I'm sure you are too, combined with a feeling deep down he is the outsider moving into a family dynamic and then feeling guilty for feeling the way he dose. You need to get some family counselling, the sooner the better. They won't make day to day any easier but it should make them manageable & you may even learn to laugh a little at the end of the day. I hope things get better for all of you & hang in there.

[oldguy]

He's probably feeling a little closer to his dog right now too because it is one of the few things he feels like he took into the family & is his alone

[Mauschen]

Thank you for your responses.

 

The miscarriage was very difficult for us to deal with, but now that it is over, I have more energy to pay attention to my husband. I have been making an effort to have dinner waiting for him when he gets home from his long drive, and I have solved some other logistical problems.

 

Many here have asked why my ex has any custody at all, and I am simply just not sure. Child Protective Services have been called on him 4 times by the kids' school (they took one report only and did nothing with it), I have taken him to court where the judge told me that children of the ages 6 and 8 are unreliable (thus, anything they've said isn't taken into account in court). The kids have told several people that their dad hits them, kicks them, calls them idiots, stupid, swears at them, etc.

 

So after my ex sees the kids, I have to deal with my daughter telling me her dad hit her and my son, called my son a "wussy little girl" when he cried, and told them both to "shut the f*** up" when they are annoyed him. He constantly insults religious views to the kids saying, "what, did Jesus make you do that?" "Did the big man in the sky tell you that?" I understand that he may not share my religious views, but these comments are completely unnecessary. And, of course, he trashes me and my husband to the kids.

 

My son has started telling me he doesn't want to go to his dad's house anymore and he cries when he has to go. It really breaks my heart, but I am legally obligated to release the children to my ex. I feel like he is ruining them psychologically and I am completely unable to do anything about it.

[TigerCub]

Thank you for your responses.

 

The miscarriage was very difficult for us to deal with, but now that it is over, I have more energy to pay attention to my husband. I have been making an effort to have dinner waiting for him when he gets home from his long drive, and I have solved some other logistical problems.

 

Many here have asked why my ex has any custody at all, and I am simply just not sure. Child Protective Services have been called on him 4 times by the kids' school (they took one report only and did nothing with it), I have taken him to court where the judge told me that children of the ages 6 and 8 are unreliable (thus, anything they've said isn't taken into account in court). The kids have told several people that their dad hits them, kicks them, calls them idiots, stupid, swears at them, etc.

 

So after my ex sees the kids, I have to deal with my daughter telling me her dad hit her and my son, called my son a "wussy little girl" when he cried, and told them both to "shut the f*** up" when they are annoyed him. He constantly insults religious views to the kids saying, "what, did Jesus make you do that?" "Did the big man in the sky tell you that?" I understand that he may not share my religious views, but these comments are completely unnecessary. And, of course, he trashes me and my husband to the kids.

 

My son has started telling me he doesn't want to go to his dad's house anymore and he cries when he has to go. It really breaks my heart, but I am legally obligated to release the children to my ex. I feel like he is ruining them psychologically and I am completely unable to do anything about it.

 

I'm outraged reading this!

I can't even begin to imagine what your kids go though

I find it mind boggling that this stupid judge thinks that kids are unreliable, so what they can be beaten molested and whatever, I"m so f**kin pissed right now.

 

I'm so sorry that you have to just let them go to their piece of s**t dad because you're court ordered to do so. I'm so sorry for the pain you must feel.

 

Isn't there anything you can do legally to get a different judge to review your case?

[Mauschen]

Thank you for sharing in my distress over my children's circumstances.

 

The judge has assigned a guardian ad litem to provide their opinion about the situation and we have two court dates scheduled to go over the guardian ad litem's recommendation. Hopefully the guardian will have a different opinion than the judge. But, in the meantime, the children are with their father 3 days a week until at least October 18th, which seems like a long time to be enduring this kind of treatment. The unfortunate part is that the guardian ad litems are state employees with heavy case loads, so I am not sure how much time they spend on each case or how long it takes them to review information.

 

This has been a really long process for me, and I really felt that I had enough evidence of neglect and abuse before going before the judge. I had evidence of their father not picking one child up from the bus stop after school (daughter was outside in the dark and cold for 15+ minutes in the winter), not bathing them or changing their clothing (per teachers at school), and physical and emotional abuse (documented conversations with school counselor, teachers, and therapist). But the judge just stated that the children are not reliable. I was so sick about this comment that I wanted to throw up.

 

So, in any case, the saga continues with the custody. I am not even sure why my ex wants so much custody since he was already ordered to pay support (finally) and the amount would not change. I would think if you treat children so poorly that indicates you don't really want them. But what do I know?

 

The good news is that my husband and I are doing much better this week. I have a lot more energy now that I am not pregnant and I am in a much better mood (very helpful!). He has also backed down a bit on his desire to move and has started on some projects around my house (maybe a good sign of him thinking we're staying put for a while).

[TigerCub]

Thank you for sharing in my distress over my children's circumstances.

 

The judge has assigned a guardian ad litem to provide their opinion about the situation and we have two court dates scheduled to go over the guardian ad litem's recommendation. Hopefully the guardian will have a different opinion than the judge. But, in the meantime, the children are with their father 3 days a week until at least October 18th, which seems like a long time to be enduring this kind of treatment. The unfortunate part is that the guardian ad litems are state employees with heavy case loads, so I am not sure how much time they spend on each case or how long it takes them to review information.

 

This has been a really long process for me, and I really felt that I had enough evidence of neglect and abuse before going before the judge. I had evidence of their father not picking one child up from the bus stop after school (daughter was outside in the dark and cold for 15+ minutes in the winter), not bathing them or changing their clothing (per teachers at school), and physical and emotional abuse (documented conversations with school counselor, teachers, and therapist). But the judge just stated that the children are not reliable. I was so sick about this comment that I wanted to throw up.

 

So, in any case, the saga continues with the custody. I am not even sure why my ex wants so much custody since he was already ordered to pay support (finally) and the amount would not change. I would think if you treat children so poorly that indicates you don't really want them. But what do I know?

 

The good news is that my husband and I are doing much better this week. I have a lot more energy now that I am not pregnant and I am in a much better mood (very helpful!). He has also backed down a bit on his desire to move and has started on some projects around my house (maybe a good sign of him thinking we're staying put for a while).

 

I hope that the guardian ad litem is competent and will come to the correct conclusions that will favor your children.

 

It makes me sad that your kids are stuck dealing with their ********* father.

 

So you've mentioned therapists and school counselors, are your kids in therapy now? It might be a good thing to consider if they are not.

 

I'm happy to hear that things are getting better with your H.

 

I wish you all the best