Haunted..(story length)

[Asystole]

Ok, at the huge risk of sounding like an idiot, I'm here to get some insight. This is a complicated story I think, and I will do my best to explain, but please don't burn me too terribly much, I know I'm not letting go or dealing with this in the careless flippant way of 'get over it'. It hasn't worked, I feel like I can't.

 

I was in a relationship several years ago that was very messy I suppose, but also had a lot of potential. Yes, I said the dreaded word. Potential. He was a unique guy. Maybe it appealed to me because I consider myself also to be an anomaly. He was an ******* to the outside world, had his problems, including alcohol. But for whatever reason, he chose to be more honest with me. This glimpse of the inner guy earned my respect. So we dated. And when he wasn't being extremely distant, he was the guy who I felt the most connection with. His view of the world was dark, like mine. I felt often like he was the only one who would 'get' me. I was going through a lot of crap myself, and I didn't feel like my perspective on life would traumatize him. I also felt oddly safe with him around, not something I ever feel around other humans. There was a lot of brutal honesty in our relationship. It was terribly refreshing, despite both of us being pretty new at relationships and not handling our lives together very well. Things were far from perfect. I was demanding, he was distant. His alcoholism became a real third wheel though. He got worse and worse. But the thread of our similar natures maybe kept us together anyway.

 

Short story, I moved away to go to school, like 3k miles away to CA from the midwest. I'd saved the money and finally started the ball rolling. He'd talked about coming with me. But he never did. Maybe it was his financial issues, maybe it was his record. Maybe it was fear of the unknown. We instead talked over the phone. He said he hoped we could get closer that way because it would be easier for him to possibly connect with me at a safer distance. He had issues with vulnerability I guess. We dated other people, though our relationship never exactly ended either. We were like best friends, atleast at the level we did talk. He drove across country on his harley to go to Las Vegas with me. Neither of us had ever been so it was ideal. He told me about his daydream of us getting married there and then going back to our lives. He asked me if I'd atleast considered it, and I said yes. I'm pretty anti-marriage, but admitting that I thought about it made him happy. He told me that he cried all the way home after that trip out to see me. I can only imagine those crocodile tears blowing away in the wind so that no one but him would know.

 

He got involved with a girl who sounded kindof crazy. But when he lost his liscense and was put in jail for another DUI she was a valuable asset for her ability to get him where he needed to go. But he treated her terribly. It made me angry. And he also asked me to hold him accountable for getting sober. I told him I wouldn't date him anymore until he was. I think it hurt more than he expected. I think he didn't expect me to say that. He stopped drinking. I told him to treat his girl better. He told me to date the 'nice guy' I'd met at school. That it would be good for me. And it was, but it wasn't my best friend. It wasn't him. He became increasingly difficult to talk to. He rarely answered calls, always claimed he was busy in regards to emails. I'd get a rare moment with him and he'd help me come up with project ideas for my classwork. Those moments meant so much to me. I had no one out in CA. It was very hard to be alone. I had a kindred spirit in him, someone who I could count on being there for me in my life. I expected that we'd never lose eachother, no matter what our relationship changed into. But it changed into silence.

 

He just stopped communicating. He would want me to send him things, but he would never respond. It made me insane. I felt abandoned by my best friend in the world. And nothing I said or did, no amount of yelling or pleading seemed to make him care how much he was ripping out my heart. So I eventually adopted the policy of 'I've got nothing to say until you have something to say'. I believe somewhere in this process I sent him a package with the random items I had kept of his, along with an angry letter of unknown length, fully equipped with psycho-chick momentum.. I'm not proud of that, but such silence makes me desperate, insane. 4 years into our relationship or whatever it was, and this is where it froze. I felt like I had to tell him the one-sided thing wasn't enough for me. Mostly because I couldn't understand it. I couldn't get a reason why. I couldn't get an acknowledgement. He was simply 'busy'. What happened to honesty? One can't truely be busy for a year or more. Especially when I was spending weeks at a time not sleeping just to finish final exam projects, how could he say he was too busy? The irony was painful.

 

So now, here we are almost 5 years later. I've let go, but time has done little to make it better. He remains a haunting figure in my dreams, representing that same safety and kindred identity. A silent support, especially when I dream about confrontations with my family. But in life, nothing. Until my old email account gets hacked. (I know, embarassing) It sends mail to many people, including him, about how I'm stranded out of the country with no money. When I read the email I feel bad enough to notify people of the false sender. I don't expect replys. But I get one from: you guessed it. Just 2 sentences about how he knew it wasn't me, and he's glad to know I'm not stranded etc. All this time I've honestly been wondering if he was dead by now and I'd never heard about the funeral. Considering what his lifestyle was like last time I actually communicated with him. Of course, just those 2 little sentences drove me into a tailspin. I'm usually a pillar of strength in many things, but this guy makes me weak. I sent a short email back just saying I was sorry about the spammer, and asked how he was doing. It's only been a couple days, but of course I'm obsessing over every day that goes by in silence. Too afraid that the tiny connection he offered me is all I will get. 2 days is unreasonable to get fussy over I say, but it doesn't help how I feel. I've written pages of bull**** about my feelings and all the things I want to ask him, and tucked them safely AWAY from the send email button. But I fear for my resolve. I'm like an addict who just got a flash of her drug of choice.

 

My question to you, dear reader, is WHY THE ****. Ok let me rephrase that. Why. Why would he withhold himself from me like this. I didn't demand all or nothing, I didn't end it. I just wanted some part of him in my life and to be somehow a part of his. And he's taken that away from me indefinitely, and with no reason given! I need to understand!

[proactivedreamer]

We can only speculate as to why he decided to discontinue contact with you. Maybe he felt a deep shame or he experienced a major shift in his life, and thought it best to fade into the background of your life. None of us, here, can give you a reason that may appease your feelings because we don't know him, and we have only been given glimpses of your relationship with him. People withdraw from relationships for innumerable reasons. I know what it is like to have someone walk away from something you may perceive as a good thing. Sorry you are hurting...

[Asystole]

It goes without saying that no one can speak for him. I think I'm only asking because a bunch of maybe's is much better than the blank space in my head. I'll never know the truth unless he states it, but I can appease my brain by chewing on options, instead of living on empty.

 

Thank you for your wishes, and your response.

[Movingthrough]

From the view of another guy and someone who over thinks everything, i can tell you there is something going on that may be very simple or a whole other thing in itself. Meaning; its either as simple as "We dont live around each other, its not going to work right now so thats it", or he has something else going on (his own problems or met someone else).

 

When you were describing him driving home and crying, the first thing that popped in my head was that was his way of letting go. With what you both have going on it doesnt seem like it can work right now, so instead of dealing with the pain, he was able to let it go. I can tell you that when it gets to the point you are at where you are freaking about a response and all that, you probably wont get one. Usually when you have those feelings you know the truth and the fact that he hasnt talked to you in months is proof its not going to work out.

 

You are also dealing with someone who has alcohol problems, enough said. There are people out there that when they know something isnt going to work out they just let go. Yeah someone like me thinks thats immature but i feel like thats what he did. I dont think it means he hates you or doesnt think of you etc etc, but it was probably too much to deal with at this point for him. He emailed you back saying he was glad you were ok, which is proof he cares, but sometimes caring isnt enough. My ex showed me many times she cared, but it never went anywhere and we dont talk. Its a weird thing i know, but when breakups happen, well, its weird.

Edited June 26, 2011 by Movingthrough