Looking for support and a kind ear

[Whistles75]

Hi everyone,

 

 

It is comforting to see there are others out there in similar situations. I have been too upset and sick about my situation to write a post about it. Even now I am so sad and raw that it is hard to go over it. I realized though I need to reach out and be a part of this forum.

 

 

My husband and I have been together 7 years, married for 3. For the first 5 years we were each others best friend and we were very in love. There has never been anyone else who made me as happy as he did. He is 31, I am 28. Two years ago we decided to have a baby, and at the same time he was just finishing law school. At about 6 months into the pregnancy I felt him completely withdraw emotionally from me.

 

 

Fast forward....last August after months of trying to figure out his detachment, ( he kept saying it was work, ect..) he finally let loose and told me he was no longer "in love" with me. Divorce was brought up....Anyway, I went into emergency mode and immediately got us a counselor. As the following months went by things got worse and worse. He is a terrible communicator and could not tell me why he felt the way he did, only that he had lost his connection to me and that something very vital was missing for him in this marriage. I internalized it all for months, which looking back now it was the worst thing I could have done. On St. Patricks day he left, and we have been separated since. We have been trying to work on things without really knowing what we need to work on, until 2 weeks ago - we had a break though. Or at least I should say I did. I should tell you that initially we were seeing the counselor together but we now see him separately.

 

Anyway, two weeks ago my husband and I ended up in a huge fight (which never happens), and during this fight it was obvious we were at the end. But something happened....I woke up! Yeah, right? Well not if it's too late. I finally understand what all of this misery is about. For years my husband has taken care of all my needs...he has fulfilled me in every way. I felt just as intense about him, but I never showed him the way he showed me. In fact looking back I became lazy, UN-appreciative, and sexually repressed.

 

Finally, I realize what happened to us. I haven't given on the same level he did because it's been a big risk for me to do so. In fact, when all this came out, I realized even then I felt scared to go beyond my comfort zone to show what I feel inside. Although it hasn't helped that he hasn't told me he loves me in a year and has not be interested in me sexually. That day really open my eyes. He said it felt so good to finally be understood, but I am so sad. The following day he came over and we went to brunch. After brunch we made love like five or six times, and napped together all afternoon. It was intense for both of us, and that has not happened in years. He said some really wonderful things and I gave him all of me. Later that evening he left me to think about all the things we talked about that day and the day before. He also told me to be honest with myself and really figure out if I am capable of loving him on that level. He doubts I can, and he believes I would be compromising myself to do so. I told him I need to find out what kept me from showing him my love on that level all those years first before I can figure out if I can change the way I behave about it. It is a huge risk for me, it would me going outside my comfort zone....but I can do it. I realized it will take building my confidence a little at a time, and learning not to doubt my self when I want to share with him. Alas, I don't think I will get the chance.

 

Since that weekend, my life has been hell. He was open and giving that weekend, I really felt like we had something good to start from. But now he barely speaks to me. He doesn't call me like he was, nor has he been over to see me or his daughter as well. I ended up breaking and calling him, and I get very upset because of how forced every syllable is for him. The coldness and just blatant unemotion has been a shock. I barely can get through the days, I went through one evening of pure sobbing and calling him and telling him how much I miss him. Nothing matters or makes a difference. He can't even stand to be around me for more than a few minutes since then because it gives him such anxiety. The only thing positive he has said in the last week is that he wants to take things very slow, and it's good that we are finally talking. Ha Ha, talking? He doesn' call or come over so how are we talking?

 

I went to my counseling session today and the counselor gave me a smack in the face. HE said that if my husband wanted to be with me he would. That Michael does not want me nor loves me and I need to begin the process of becoming independent from him. He also gave me the impression that one of us is crazy. I mean he sees the both of us separately, and I think he's bewildered by where we are each at and how different we feel with this marriage. Why else would the counselor tell me what he did and be so brutal to me to get me motivated in ending this situation. I know I made mistakes but I am now at the point where I have to take a stand. My counselor told me to "stop being a door mat". But I feel if I take a stand I will be ignoring my husbands feelings about our marriage and losing him forever. I have stood by for months and have done the best I could with what I knew at the time. Also lately I am trying to give my husband space, and for the past 9 moths I have professed my feelings to him, over and over. I also have changed my behavior in many ways. I am a full time student right now and a mother and I am scared. I have been looking for a job in the last week.... My husband has not iniated the divorce so it looks like I will have to.... but I don't want to. What can I do?

[Arabess]

I think the most terrible realization a person has to face is that the person they once loved and trusted is no longer in their life. Everything that happened in the past or led up to this point is no longer relevant. The only thing that matters is the end result.

 

If he isn't calling, coming over or trying to patch things up with you.....I think you should follow the advice of your counsellor. As long as you hang on... how will you ever begin the healing process?

 

Certainly there is also a financial consideration. This is where an attorney will come in. Your husband may be avoiding a divorce more based on the financial contribution he will have to make, he will have to continue helping you with school as possible alimony, loose assets and pay for both attorneys. Don't mistake his hesitation him wanting to reunite. If he did, he would be making contact with you.

 

Yes it's HARD to deal with it all. Your whole life has become disrupted. You have to pull it together and look out for yourself and your child. You have many decisions to make.

 

There are quite a few people on LS who have been down your path or are on it now. Keep posting so you will know we are supporting you. Also, keep your friends and relatives close to your heart. They will also be there for you.

 

Arabess

[Whistles75]

Arabess,

 

Thank you for your thoughts, I have to say I hadn't thought of the financial aspect of this for him. I have been so consumed with trying to make this work, that part of it hadn't occurred to me. I am just starting to switch gears and this gives me something to think about.

 

Thanks,

 

Rachel

[reggio]

Whistles75 got it bang on.

 

You now have think about and take responsibility for your child and yourself. You cannot be responsible for him or his actions.

 

It will be hard at first but in time you will get through this.

 

You should consider continuing with some counselling and look to your family and friends for support.

 

You got my support.

 

Take care

[reggio]

Sorry, I meant Arabess got it bang on.

[Debster]

I wouldn't be so quick to throw in the towel.

Based on what your wrote, it seems like your husband has been hurting inside for a long time and feeling as though he has been doing all the giving. Maybe he wants you to start "showing him the money". I know you said you tried. But can you honestly say you gave it your all? Maybe your husband has become cold and unwilling to spend time with you BECAUSE IT HURTS.

 

I suggest going through counselling. Not marriage counselling but individual counselling. Find out why it is so hard for you to give of yourself emotionally.

 

The least you'll get out of it is that you would have learned something about yourself - something you can take with you to your next relationship. The most you'll get out of it is reuniting your family.

 

Isn't that worth it?

[Whistles75]

Debster,

 

Easter weekend as my husband and I talked, I realized and finally understood what he has been trying to say to me for months.

 

He has always loved and adored me, showing it in many ways. I have felt the very same about him, although I never have shown it in ways other than the obvious, and that's only been in the last year; making him dinner, keeping a house clean, getting laundry done. I think looking back I thought if I was available for him, being a good companion; to talk to or hang out with then I was doing my part. If I just showed how supportive I was by talking to him, than that was enough. Even though I felt mad in love with him, I just was too lazy, or scared to show him. I think it's a little a both. I always felt our relationship was too good to be true, and thought I didn't deserve someone like him. He also put forth most of the effort which allowed me to "fly under the radar" about giving it back. This is something that is was hard to see about myself. It took me awhile to understand what I have been doing. So when we spent the day at the park the day before Easter and talked.....It was like an understanding finally dawned on me. The shades came off and I got it.

 

I am still in love with him, that has never wavered, but he is not with me. He has been angry for months about it all....mostly I think because he felt crazy about what he feels and the fact that I did not understand what he was saying. He has brought up times I would fall asleep on the couch (for periods of time; months), the months of no oral sex, in fact he has been upset that I wouldn't let him pleasure me as well. When I got pregnant with our daughter (she's 18 months now) is when he withdrew because he says that was it for him.... I had withdrawn from him a million times and kept myself from him, that this time he just couldn't take it anymore.

 

Since August, I have put every effort forth to show him I love him and want him to stay my husband. He had an emotional affair at work from September to November which he says he ended. I am not mad at him for it....during that time I was internalizing everything he said and needed him to make me feel better about the pain his words and feeling had caused me. Now I look back and think to myself what a insensitive, selfish person I had become. I do understand that my childhood of no affection and love made me become the taker of it all in this marriage. I was greedy. Also I am scared right now because I don't know how to share myself totally, I am not sure if what I am doing is right? Not to mention I can't get much more vulnerable than this, so the risks for me are huge and scary.

 

Since we have been separated, with the advice of my Dad of all people, I have starting to make some lifelong changes. My Dad was the one that told me and helped me to start a schedule about getting the house clean...and he was also the one that told me to stay in school, right when I was about to drop my classes. No to mention my Dad apologized for my childhood and feeling horrible that he had some hand in my life going this way.

 

In the past 2 weeks life has been more difficult than ever. I am so raw and tired and depressed. My husband has given me no guarantee nor hope at all. He wants to take baby steps, but that's all he'll say. His replies to any of my questions about our future are terribly ambiguous. In fact when I have asked him are we moving in a good direction, he replys with "it's not the worst direction". I can not sleep most of the time and desperately seek a resolution to this, either we are over and I can begin the healing process or he will eventually come back and we can continue our life together.

 

He sends me mixed messages all the time. After that weekend he barely could speak to me and stopped calling me. Finally by the weekend he came by to pick up his daughter and apologized to me for his behavior. He said after that intense weekend he saw the counselor who had said something that really messed with his head all week. Never the less, Tuesday he came over to watch the kids for me so I could go to class and he was very sweet to me and borderline affectionet. But then when I got online later that night, he had changed his profile from "married" to "separated" that same day.

 

The counselor was very brutal. I can't stop his words in my head. He basically said to me I need to move on, get an attorney and begin the process of divorce because my husband is not coming home. I tried to talk to my husband about it, but he only says "I am sorry it went so bad for you". He has been treating me like a friend with his responses. It is killing me.

 

I am a good person, a good friend, a good mother. I am intelligent, fun, pretty, and interesting. My husband even says he has nothing bad to say about me.....I just don't meet his needs. He wants someone to love him the way he deserves, and he doesn't think I can do that. I will admit it is so hard to be consistent with my feelings and actions towards him lately. In fact the few times we have gone out for meals he is looking at every cute girl that passes....he never did that before.

 

He says he is empty and has nothing left to give. I am needing so much from him and doing everything I can not to show it...only giving to him.

 

The past few days I think to myself I am not going to make it...I am looking for jobs. He knows I am looking for a full time schedule so I can take care of myself and the kids, and doesn't say anything to me. I mean his salary is enough until I finish school. That's been the other red flag for me. The fact that we have to put our 18 month old in day care so I can work a min wage job during the week and bartend on the weekends. He says nothing, just only to let him know if I need him to watch the kids while I do interviews. He is an attorney and makes good money....I definitely want to work part time if we are getting back together, it's breaking my heart to put my daughter in day care if we don't have to.

 

I don't know what the next step is. He is coming over tonight to watch the kids for me. He said he would like to go to dinner first or something. But who knows, he could be moody, or just withdrawn, or maybe nice....I don't know what to expect anymore. It is very difficult to put myself out there right now because I keep getting hurt.....but if there is any chance in hell in saving this marriage I need to do it. For how much longer I don't know.

 

Thanks everyone who takes time to read my thoughts. I am sorry for how long this is....but it feels good to get it out.

 

Rachel