Deep problems with my mother

[felopez]

Ok, if you are bored/feel like giving some input be prepared as this is a long post. Here goes.

 

I find my mom extremely annoying sometimes. At first in the beginning of the divorce, I often tried to console her and help her through her problems, but she often did not follow my advice and would continue whining/crying to me. She slowly started becoming more paranoid, and overall emotional. It came to the point that she would become extremely mad/spiteful if I ever opposed any of her views on the divorce, including if I did not condemn my father for having a new girlfriend.

 

I started becoming more impatient/annoyed at her, so much so that I often would say she was not intelligent/stupid during our altercations. She often would come to me with something my father did and complain to me, not stopping when I asked her to. She would even call my university dorm room to whine about anything (why I was not calling her more often, problems with my dad, computer/lawnmower/etc is not working). She did this once before my first term calculus test and I became so depressed that I decided to give up on studying for it, resulting in a failed test. Engineering was extremely hard during first year and while my father supported me a lot, helped me, brought me to dinner so we could talk etc, my mom was just constantly acting paranoid and emotional with me. She even once said something in the vein that I would not pass engineering.

 

Once the summer came, I had decided to go to my home country for a few months (6 months before that), she was not going. The dog would stay at home with her, it was all arranged. A few weeks before I had to leave, she pulled out the fact that she had already bought a ticket (2 problems, 1 I wanted to get away from her, 2 the dog had no place to stay). She conveniently said that the dog was mine and so I would have to figure something out. I could not find anybody who could keep the dog at their house. Finally the neighbour, who is very nice, agreed to check in on the dog every day and give food/water/let it out to play in the yard and finish it’s necessities. Although this was good, the dog had to live in a dirty house for 2 months, without a bath, without haircuts, without checkups. When we got back the dog had a flea infestation and ear infections in both ears. After many months it has mostly gone away, although one ear has not gotten back to 100%. I’ve vocally blamed her for this.

 

Second year of university I decided to stay at home living with my sister and my mom. Residence was expensive and dad’s house is too small to live together, although he did offer to let me stay there. The year started off not so well, I realized that my mom was treating me like the new man of the house, and I questioned if the way she treated me was why my dad wanted a divorce. There were fewer fights, but I started becoming more explosive, because I would hold my emotions for many weeks before having a big fight with her. I have since that time thrown the remote, punched the wall once, kicked the door. She once was grabbing me and trying to corner me so that I would talk to her about my dad and I pushed her and open hand hit her in the shoulder blade so she would let me out of the room.

 

I often felt very remorseful about my behaviour (physical outbursts and cursing/calling stupid), but I also felt that she was pushing me to this point, since I have never acted this way to anyone else in my life. I have never even got into a fight with someone since back in preschool/1st grade.

 

(Today) One of the worst conflicts I’ve had with her was because she wanted me to sign a document that entailed legal matters about the divorce and her situation with me, and I told her I had to ask my dad because if he ended up disagreing with it I would be stuck with a larger problem to fix. She became extremely mad at this, deciding to cancel my credit card (which I never use, in fact I spend less than all my friends, and even my 12 year old little sister), sell the car and house furniture she was leaving for me (She did not actually do this, but she was threatening to out of spite). I did not understand her anger since I needed to ask my dad, or else I might end up in a very bad situation myself. After she yelled at me and basically went on a rant about the usual topics (dad, divorce, paranoid delusions), I tried to explain to her I didn’t want to anger anyone, I was just looking out for myself. As I explained in my nicest and calm tone (trying hard not to sound condescending) I noticed she seemed to be ignoring me (she was looking at the computer screen/ writing things). I asked her if she had been listening and she said in a arrogant tone that no she wasn’t. I then had had enough, and felt completely disrespected. I literally punched a hole through the door, spat in her face and stormed off into my room. At this point she came running to my door saying sorry, that she was listening, but just wanted to anger me and that she realized that was a bad idea. I simply cursed at her and told her I did not want to talk.

Later that day I went out for a bike ride to calm down, and while getting my bike she tried to hug me, ask for forgiveness, etc. She is going to leave in a few weeks to stay in my home country and is taking my little sister with her (one of the main points that my dad is fighting over).

 

I understand her hardships with the divorce, but I have repeatedly asked her to seek psychological help, which she denies needing. I feel that I have become a more irritable, impatient, explosive, sad person because of her. I am now feeling that I need to find a way to get over this, and somehow forgive her, but I actually am having a very difficult time finding out if that’s even possible. How can I do this? Am I completely in the wrong with my behaviour?

[proactivedreamer]

Is there anyway that your parents can help with an independent living situation? I would think the best thing to do is remove yourself from the situation with your mother. It would be in her best interest to seek counseling because she is clearly having a great deal of trouble working through the divorce. Her unresolved feelings are taking a toll on her and her children, and it would be helpful if she reconciled with the fact that she simply needs to talk about it. Divorce can be extremely painful, and it is evident that she is hurting. Perhaps if you tell her you will go with her to counseling, she might entertain the idea. Some people feel shame or attribute insanity to needing counseling, this is not so of course. Sometimes it really helps to talk to someone when things in your world are unclear and troublesome. In the meantime, think about arranging an independent living situation for yourself-that might alleviate your problems with your mother. Sometimes when people no longer live with their parents, they find that their relationship is better. Hope it all works out!

[Eve]

H'mmmm..

 

Did you ever see dad being violent towards mum?

 

If so, what happened?

 

Take care,

Eve x

[spiderowl]

I can well understand your upset at having to cope with your mum while she is going through this stressful time. She is not coping herself and does need psychological support. She is trying to get this from you, but of course your loyalties are divided (which she's bound to find hurtful) and you are not in her position, at her age, following what's happened. I think what you need is freedom to be yourself with your peer group (which is what we all need at your age) and what she needs is an understanding companion. This is just not working.

 

What concerns me too are your angry outbursts. It may help you to work out why you feel so angry with her. Is it because she's not coping and is putting pressure on you, or is there more to it than that? Only you can know. I can appreciate that you are in a difficult and stressful situation. You don't appear to have a lot of empathy for your mum at all but then maybe I wouldn't if I felt I was having to be her counsellor and take on the role of male in the household. But, I think your mum probably deserves more respect and understanding. She may well be seeing a lot of your actions as failure to care, just as you are seeing her in a similar manner.

 

I think she would be very upset if you left but maybe that's what you need to do. Have you asked your mother why she has refused psychological help? What reasons did she give? Sometimes people reject ideas when suggested but they are actually listening. Even if she rejects the idea of seeing someone to help her get through all this, she might be listening and considering it. If you can find a list of therapists she could see at no or low cost and leave them on the table and explain to her how she can contact them, you never know, she might follow it up. She must know she is suffering and want help.

 

It seems like you should try to spend less time with her if possible. Think about ways you can move out and become more independent, otherwise this situation is going to stress you more and more. You don't want to end up being violent to your mother and yet you are saying, effectively, that this is the way things are going. It may help you to seek counselling yourself. You need support at this time and someone to unload these worries onto. A skilled counsellor can help you sift through things and work out a better outcome for you and maybe your mother too. It's well worth considering. Ask your doctor if there are any therapists you could be referred to.

 

I hope things improve for you as this sounds a very unpleasant situation.

[felopez]

H'mmmm..

 

Did you ever see dad being violent towards mum?

 

If so, what happened?

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

No, my father never laid a hand on anyone in my family.

[felopez]

I can well understand your upset at having to cope with your mum while she is going through this stressful time. She is not coping herself and does need psychological support. She is trying to get this from you, but of course your loyalties are divided (which she's bound to find hurtful) and you are not in her position, at her age, following what's happened. I think what you need is freedom to be yourself with your peer group (which is what we all need at your age) and what she needs is an understanding companion. This is just not working.

 

What concerns me too are your angry outbursts. It may help you to work out why you feel so angry with her. Is it because she's not coping and is putting pressure on you, or is there more to it than that? Only you can know. I can appreciate that you are in a difficult and stressful situation. You don't appear to have a lot of empathy for your mum at all but then maybe I wouldn't if I felt I was having to be her counsellor and take on the role of male in the household. But, I think your mum probably deserves more respect and understanding. She may well be seeing a lot of your actions as failure to care, just as you are seeing her in a similar manner.

 

I think she would be very upset if you left but maybe that's what you need to do. Have you asked your mother why she has refused psychological help? What reasons did she give? Sometimes people reject ideas when suggested but they are actually listening. Even if she rejects the idea of seeing someone to help her get through all this, she might be listening and considering it. If you can find a list of therapists she could see at no or low cost and leave them on the table and explain to her how she can contact them, you never know, she might follow it up. She must know she is suffering and want help.

 

It seems like you should try to spend less time with her if possible. Think about ways you can move out and become more independent, otherwise this situation is going to stress you more and more. You don't want to end up being violent to your mother and yet you are saying, effectively, that this is the way things are going. It may help you to seek counselling yourself. You need support at this time and someone to unload these worries onto. A skilled counsellor can help you sift through things and work out a better outcome for you and maybe your mother too. It's well worth considering. Ask your doctor if there are any therapists you could be referred to.

 

I hope things improve for you as this sounds a very unpleasant situation.

 

I think you are both right in saying that I should move out. One of the problems is that my mother actively seeks conflict with me, no matter how much I ask her not to bring up the divorce questions to me.

 

I think I do empathize with her feelings, but after it's worn me out so much that I no longer sympathize with her. And this is what bothers me most, since I know that she is my mom, she deserves a lot better than how I treat her. I'm actually quite ashamed at what I've done, but at the same time, I've only done things when my mind could not take it any longer. Like I said before, noone else in my life has ever brought me to such an angry outburst.

 

There is also the fact that she is taking my young sister with her to my home country, which my father also opposes. It is a dangerous country, and she'll be half way across the world. I fear that I'll lose a sister (not literally) more than anything.

 

Thanks for your inputs, they're greatly appreciated.

[Emilia]

Your torn feelings are completely understandable. Your mother tries to manipulate and control you, she is your mother but you also have to face the fact that she has a certain kind of personality. She takes advantage of her power over you and how she can make you feel bad. The reason why you get angry is because instinctively you recognise this but you don't know how to handle it as she is not listening. It is very unfortunate that she is taking your little sister to your home country, to an inhospitable environment. You must be very anxious about that.

 

Unfortunately your mother is probably not sane (sorry) or self-aware enough to recognise her own behaviour and correct it. She was probably raised in a society where women have a weak position and are only able to get anywhere by manipulation.

[Emilia]

You should definitely move out. Your parents' divorce is not your fight.

[felopez]

You should definitely move out. Your parents' divorce is not your fight.

Thanks for the input, I really appreciate it