Why do people cheat, if their SO is still having sex with them?

[GG2W]

Frogwife

 

A couple of interesting responses, I almost exclusively date married women.

 

What is interesting is that quite often they will even suggest trying sex acts that they admit that they have refused to do with their husbands.

[luvbun80]

lack of sex that a male searches (not a one-night accident) and has an affair.

 

Very few men ar having sex at home + an affair outside narcissists and serial cheaters.

 

Well I might be reading it wrong but to me it came of like you were asserting only women had emotional needs, which seems oversimplified.

[carhill]

Men have emotional needs, which are generally and traditionally satisfied through sex. Being somewhat of an anomaly, desiring emotional intimacy in ways atypical to most males, I've seen that dynamic play out, most markedly with my exW calling me 'abnormal' on many occasions. MW's also picked up on it and, akin to a 'loose' woman men smell for sex, MW's smelled the blood of the mind-fµck, or, perhaps more nicely, emotional intercourse. They got their orgasmic needs satisfied by H but, due to his typical male emotional distance, they were left wanting and saw myself as an 'easy' and 'safe' target, since I don't believe in extra-relationship sex.

 

Of the MW's I've known personally, and who have shared their 'bedroom' stuff with me (most have), I know of two whose husbands were having affairs and 'having' them too, albeit deceitfully (meaning they discovered this after d-day). So, IME, that represents between 15 and 20% of my data points. Why they do it is unknown to me, but common sense tells me they do it because they can. Like I said prior, 'happenis', meaning 'happy penis' disease. I see it I want it I fµck it.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Well I might be reading it wrong but to me it came of like you were asserting only women had emotional needs, which seems oversimplified.

and yes you are oversimplifying it, but I think the vast majority have affairs because they are not getting sex at home.

 

Not having emotional needs satisfied may result in an ONS but not long-term affair. Carhill is right emotional connection and validation for men is through GOOD sex.

 

Men who have sex at home and affairs are usually narcissists or serial cheaters only.

 

Now as for frogwife, I think there is a whole lot she will not admit too (just the screen name screams a lack of respect for her husband who is french) in terms of her relationship, why she cheated and continues to and his gaming addiction and condescending comments regarding her body needs to be explored and she is not being at all honest (though she may not know).

 

Frogwife I think you should start a thread if you want to discuss this further but be prepared for those who will attack you.

Edited June 28, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Shocking Pink]

The people I know who are french call THEMSELVES frog and have a good sense of humor about it. I thought the name frogwife was cute and not being mean to her husband at all, more like an inside joke.

It also kind of sounds like something out of an old fairytale.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

The people I know who are french call THEMSELVES frog and have a good sense of humor about it. I thought the name frogwife was cute and not being mean to her husband at all, more like an inside joke.

It also kind of sounds like something out of an old fairytale.

 

No it's derogatory..... I was born in Quebec and certainly would be very careful using it.....

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_ethnic_slurs

[Frogwife]

The people I know who are french call THEMSELVES frog and have a good sense of humor about it. I thought the name frogwife was cute and not being mean to her husband at all, more like an inside joke.

It also kind of sounds like something out of an old fairytale.

 

Yes, you are right... for French people (like my husband and French friends) it's funny and cute...those with a sense of humor... for the Québécois maybe it's different since they are looked down on by the French, so they might be a little sensitive.

 

As far as my marriage and my actions, they are what they are, they were what they were.

[Kidd]

Frogwife, I may be guilty of threadjacking here but I will try to stop judging and just ask...if you want to reconnect with your husband, I assume he would want you to be exclusively with him. Since he is making changes to meet your needs (although it sounds like you need more from him than just giving up his playstation habit), can you not also make changes and commit to exclusivity with him? You said that you love him and that your intent with joining LS was to reconnect with him; what changes are you willing to make to get there?

[Spark1111]

Part of the appeal of an affair is the taboo aspect and the more scummier a person is the more taboo it is. These people have a misguided concept of rebellion.

 

Excellent point Woggle!

 

Many a WS, IF they attend therapy long enough, will eventually get to the Family Of Origin (FOO) issues.

 

Often, they discover their low self-esteem is an direct proportion to the parent they had the least successful relationship with.

 

The secrecy of an affair, for many, is the acting out of a rebellion against that parent.

 

Unfortunately, many will begin to project those very same, unloving feelings onto their marital partner of the same sex as the disapproving parent.

 

It's complicated....Freudian....and unfortuantely, often true.

[Spark1111]

Because having an affair is not necessarily about having sex. Usually it is about filling a "gap" in their relationship. Affair partners do not need to be fully rounded people who mesh well together in all aspects of their lives. They just need to mesh well in the areas the WS is missing in his/her marriage.

 

The truth! The sex is often not so hot; being wanted is.

[xxoo]

Men who have sex at home and affairs are usually narcissists or serial cheaters only.

 

I think you underestimate the number of men who have affairs as part of a midlife crisis, even while having sex at home.

 

I hope you are right! But I believe you are not.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I think you underestimate the number of men who have affairs as part of a midlife crisis, even while having sex at home.

 

I hope you are right! But I believe you are not.

 

In the OM/OW Section. Sorry I am an optimist and think the midlife crisis is overblown and is the result of bad communication. If a husband is getting sex at home and not begging for it and perceiving his wife considers it a chore, and they are attracted to each other, then they are not running around looking for it.

 

And again I am talking affairs, not an erotic massage or a mistaken ONS.

 

They do it because sex at home is no longer spontaneous and fun and the spouse has made it into something the husband thinks he has had to earn.

[thomasb]

I think you underestimate the number of men who have affairs as part of a midlife crisis, even while having sex at home.

 

I hope you are right! But I believe you are not.

That is not right in my case. I'm not NPD and cerainly would never have another affair. I have learned never to touch something hot enough to burn your very soul again!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Excellent point Woggle!

 

Many a WS, IF they attend therapy long enough, will eventually get to the Family Of Origin (FOO) issues.

 

Often, they discover their low self-esteem is an direct proportion to the parent they had the least successful relationship with.

 

The secrecy of an affair, for many, is the acting out of a rebellion against that parent.

 

Unfortunately, many will begin to project those very same, unloving feelings onto their marital partner of the same sex as the disapproving parent.

 

It's complicated....Freudian....and unfortuantely, often true.

 

Oh oh, I see this in my spouse....... I'm in big trouble..... Better work extra hard....:laugh:

[xxoo]

In the OM/OW Section. Sorry I am an optimist and think the midlife crisis is overblown and is the result of bad communication. If a husband is getting sex at home and not begging for it and perceiving his wife considers it a chore, and they are attracted to each other, then they are not running around looking for it.

 

And again I am talking affairs, not an erotic massage or a mistaken ONS.

 

They do it because sex at home is no longer spontaneous and fun and the spouse has made it into something the husband thinks he has had to earn.

 

I genuinely hope you are right, and will keep your words in mind when I read yet another depressing article about men and midlife crisis

[Frogwife]

Frogwife, I may be guilty of threadjacking here but I will try to stop judging and just ask...if you want to reconnect with your husband, I assume he would want you to be exclusively with him. Since he is making changes to meet your needs (although it sounds like you need more from him than just giving up his playstation habit), can you not also make changes and commit to exclusivity with him? You said that you love him and that your intent with joining LS was to reconnect with him; what changes are you willing to make to get there?

 

Hi Kidd - I haven't been with anyone since April. Does that mean I don't think about it, thinking about being with someone? No, I do think about it. But every time I am tempted to make a rendezvous with someone, I stop. For exactly the reasons you have laid out. My husband is making an effort, I am making an effort and so I am. I have to ask my self, too, why did he decide to "check out" of the marriage by sitting in front of a video game 50 hours a week? What was my role as a wife in him deciding that? These things don't happen in a vacuum and it takes two people to contribute to these situations.

 

We've been to marriage counseling and I haven't been with anyone since we started. I decided to stop therapy after a few sessions because I wasn't sure if I could remain faithful, but I did. We're just trying. He's making efforts, I'm making efforts we're doing the best we can.

[Kidd]

Hey, I think that's great. You had sounded like your infidelity was in the present tense which made little sense if you were trying to reconcile. I hope you find what gets you to that next step you need. Keep talking and soul searching. I hope that someday it will result in honesty about your a's. My wife had a long term emotional affair and we're reconciling. Painful to be sure but there's now hope for a new and much stronger marriage. It's possible.

[Lizzie60]

Just wondering if the person is still getting sex, why look for it else where aswell?

 

I didn't have time to read the whole thread.. but my pov on this matter is that it's not always about sex..

 

I think we live in a disposable society.. we want 'newness' all the time, we get bored with what we have all the time.. even if we have the best sex in the world with our partner.. we'll want to have 'new sex' with someone else..

 

But I have to say that a lot of times, men do not get the amount of sex they NEED.. therefore seek it somewhere else..

 

Plus, these days, there are tons of opportunities to meet new people.. therefore all the chances are out there to meet someone who might flirt with us.. therefore sending us 'weird messages' even if we never thought of cheating..

 

These are a few reasons why people cheat.. there are zillions.

[2sure]

Just wondering if the person is still getting sex, why look for it else where aswell?

 

I have to tell you that when I first this I thought to myself that the answer to that was pretty clear to nearly everyone ..

 

But maybe not. As a previous OW several times over...all of the MM I was involved with had what they described as a basically happy marriages, wonderful wives, an active sex life with them etc etc etc.

 

They wanted an affair because they wanted MORE. More attention, more sex, more ego stroking, more time for just themselves. whatever. Just MORE.

[Frogwife]

Hey, I think that's great. You had sounded like your infidelity was in the present tense which made little sense if you were trying to reconcile. I hope you find what gets you to that next step you need. Keep talking and soul searching. I hope that someday it will result in honesty about your a's. My wife had a long term emotional affair and we're reconciling. Painful to be sure but there's now hope for a new and much stronger marriage. It's possible.

 

To me, it feels like it's in the present tense because I still go back and forth... I had made plans to see someone tonight, but I cancelled last night and it felt great to do that... fortunately thinking about doing it and actually doing it are two different things, so I'll just keep having that control as I move forward... a month ago, I would have acted on it, now I'm not, so baby steps.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

 

I have to tell you that when I first this I thought to myself that the answer to that was pretty clear to nearly everyone ..

 

But maybe not. As a previous OW several times over...all of the MM I was involved with had what they described as a basically happy marriages, wonderful wives, an active sex life with them etc etc etc.

 

They wanted an affair because they wanted MORE. More attention, more sex, more ego stroking, more time for just themselves. whatever. Just MORE.

 

Narcissists or serial cheaters. Been a while 2sure (and heck lizzie60 in the previous post), that's like hitting the daily double.....

 

I am not trying to be nasty, but your choices in men generally bring out those two types of cheaters.

 

While I do not deny a male in a mid-life crisis may try to see how far he can get with someone, i.e. spomeone who will stroke his ego, only those getting little at home take it to the next step.

 

I remember a thread where someone asked whether the OW was better looking and was surprised to hear most claim she was not. Again I naively consider the only reason someone wants to cheat with someone not as attractive as their spouse is because they are getting very little at home.

Edited June 28, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Spark1111]

Narcissists or serial cheaters. Been a while 2sure (and heck lizzie60 in the previous post), that's like hitting the daily double.....

 

I am not trying to be nasty, but your choices in men generally bring out those two types of cheaters.

 

While I do not deny a male in a mid-life crisis may try to see how far he can get with someone, i.e. spomeone who will stroke his ego, only those getting little at home take it to the next step.

 

I remember a thread where someone asked whether the OW was better looking and was surprised to hear most claim she was not. Again I naively consider the only reason someone wants to cheat with someone not as attractive as their spouse is because they are getting very little at home.

 

Well, I guess that is your opinion, based on your perspective.

 

I take it neither you nor your wife has cheated? If that's the case, I can understand why you think that.

 

However, another myth is the looks of the OP.

 

They were willing, period. They too have their unmet needs, dont'cha think?

 

Because there were times in my marriage when he was sick and incapacitated, and the last thing that crossed my mind is that I would cheat because I was getting so little at home at that time.

 

Cheating is a mind set that has very little to do with sex, most of the time.

 

I defer to the people who have cheated, been cheated on, and all the expensive therapy we have been through for the answers.

 

You will notice a pattern if you read here long enough. Cheaters, who claim they were deprived sex, often cheat again, and again, and again unless they discover the underlying root cause of it.

 

You mean to say they can't get laid enough in SEVERAL relationships?

 

I don't buy it.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Well, I guess that is your opinion, based on your perspective.

 

I take it neither you nor your wife has cheated? If that's the case, I can understand why you think that.

 

However, another myth is the looks of the OP.

 

They were willing, period. They too have their unmet needs, dont'cha think?

 

Because there were times in my marriage when he was sick and incapacitated, and the last thing that crossed my mind is that I would cheat because I was getting so little at home at that time.

 

Cheating is a mind set that has very little to do with sex, most of the time.

 

I defer to the people who have cheated, been cheated on, and all the expensive therapy we have been through for the answers.

 

You will notice a pattern if you read here long enough. Cheaters, who claim they were deprived sex, often cheat again, and again, and again unless they discover the underlying root cause of it.

 

You mean to say they can't get laid enough in SEVERAL relationships?

 

I don't buy it.

 

serial cheater and narcissist and yes I think they make up a very small %, but the ones who find all the tail available.....

 

The vast majority of males who cheat, or may have a ONS do so because they are getting little ego stroking at home and all the ego stroking the majority need is a willing partner at home who initiates some of the time and does not use laundry, cleaning up or dishes as an excuse.....

[Frogwife]

I assume H knows you were seeing other men. How did he take it? He seems to be in a weak position and willing to cooperate.

 

How old are you?

 

Are you sure you were able to have sex with your OMs without emotional attachment? That is hard to do for most women. IN fact, it would be hard to do for many men. If you had any emotional ties with Om this will prevent you from reconnecting with your H. How old is your H? Any chance he stopped having sex because he developed erectile problems? Maybe the video games were an excuse.

 

If you have a strong sex drive and he has none there is a problem and I would suggest a divorce. That would be better than having lovers, however, maybe you enjoy the thrill of extramarital sex.

 

I apologize, I missed this post yesterday. These are a lot of "set-up-type-y" questions... I'm sure I'm in for a nice little lambasting... but I'll answer them because I've been reading your (and others) reasons why you *think* women have affairs... what you *think* women are thinking based on behaviors you *think* you have witnessed or what they have *told* you... what people say when they are in difficult situations and want out of them and what they really think/feel can be two drastically different things.

 

All of this "family of origin", left-and-right armchair diagnoses of BPD, narcissistic personality disorder, hysterical bonding disorder, etc...are just psycho-babblely ways to make people feel better for wrongs that have been done. The reality is, every single person walking the face of this earth has something "wrong" with them - lack of love from parents, self-esteem issues, need for love, admiration, compliments or whatever...

 

To to answer your questions:

 

I'm 42 and my husband is 45. We've had sex four times in the last two years, no erectile problems to report. His gaming started immediately after his dad unexpectedly died of a heart attack and I think depression has something to do with that.

 

No, my husband doesn't know and he never will. There are pros and cons to telling and not telling and based on our history and my knowledge of my husband (and after reading the post of the cheated-on men here), not telling is the best option.

 

Yes, I'm *sure* I have no emotional ties. This seems to be a hard one for men to understand for some reason. The reality is, it's hard for *any* person (male or female) to have long-term sex with someone without feelings involved. Of course, I liked them men I slept with, especially the two (out of four) that I saw on a regular basis. But when that door closed and I was out of there, there was no thought of them in my normal life other than pleasant thoughts of sex. They were just for sex for me and me for them and we liked it that way. I was very upfront that I wasn't going to change my marital situation, despite constant questions from one about the "state of my marriage".

 

For the divorce issue. Long story short(ish) - My husband and I have been married just over four years. I'm in the process of becoming a French citizen and need to be married and have his cooperation. I moved from the U.S. for this marriage, (willing) gave up my friends, family, career, etc there and have worked VERY VERY hard in creating a life from scratch over here. I didn't speak a word of French when I arrived and my husband doesn't speak English, so it was VERY VERY difficult.

 

I worked hard creating a home for us , cooking meals, cleaning house, doing laundry (which I still do every day) making friends, finding a job. I have dealt with some physical abuse (for which I've filed a police report) and lots of violent outbursts from my husband over the years. Until I was in that situation (of abuse), I never understood why people stay, now I see how complicated and non-black & white it can be. Same with affairs. My "reward" for the struggles I've had is this citizenship because without it, I would have to leave France, where I have now put my roots down, if I were to divorce in the future.

 

I have no idea what our future holds. I've been a good wife and a bad wife. He's been a good husband and a bad husband. Each of us have made our mistake in our own way, violated our vows in our own way so we will just see.

[Frogwife]

...I just want to add this, too, even though I've totally hogged this thread of late... I appreciate what I read here (and on the OM/OW forum). I like that, even though I'm in the deservedly unpopular role of "wandering spouse", that people (Pierre, etc) have been cordial and I don't disagree with words like "despicable" etc. being thrown around. My intent is not to say what I am doing is right, but just to (perhaps) give insight into what goes through the mind of someone who decides to break their marriage vows - that not everyone is crazy or sociopath - but that people do sh*itty things sometimes, and right now I'm in that group.